1 10 28 https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/913bec74f6b30be5090fa592839ac2b9.pdf 2cee49bf58b61ab2ca04dcc5cb48530c Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Text Any textual data included in the document UFO's land somewhere Page 2010 New disease discovered Teachers' AIDS Page 69 US invades Illinois Page 1-94 Disc aimer: If you believe this^you're stranger than we are! NO* /-^V j Beatrice Thursday, April 1, 1985 Free, obviously Vol. 13, No. 100 Helms buys Chancellor seat - appoints Watts and Falwell by Bye Birdie In a surprise move Monday, North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms, the arch-conservative head of the Senate Agriculture Committee, bought the position of Chancellor at the University of Wisconsin- Parkside. The post had been vacant since the sudden disappearance last week of Chancellor Alan Guskin. Guskin could not be reached for comment. In his introductory speech to students and faculty, Helms chuckled, "I've got a few little changes planned." The littlest of these, apparently, is that the university will officially defy the state's Indoor Clean Air Act. All classrooms, hallways and meeting areas will be designated as smoking areas, Helms announced, adding that each classroom will be supplied with a cigarette vending machine. While some students have questioned the wisdom of such a move, outgoing PSGA vice-president Paul Johnson predicted that student opinion would rally behind the new Chancellor. "I believe this is a decision we can all live with," Johnson said. "It isn't like there aren't going to be any non-smoking areas at all. I think Helms mentioned the power plant, behind the number two backup power generator, for example. Unfortunately, the new Chancellor made no mention of increasing the availability of co ffee. This is a point on which I'd like to see more deliberation." More controversial are the personnel changes which the Stranger has learned are being planned by the new administration. Several members of the faculty have already protested the selection of the Reverend Jerry Falwell to head the Life Science department. "What the hell qualifications has that man got in Life Science?" said one professor, who spoke on the condition that his or her name, department, gender, tenure status, address and hair color be kept confidential. "He's read every book on the subject he'll ever need to, starting with Genesis and ending with Revelation," replied Helms, who promised to find out every last little thing about the above professor and "deal with the problem as soon as possible." "The scientific theory of Creationism has most certainly been short-changed in American Higher Education," commented Falwell. "New evidence in favor of Creationism is being discovered every day. Why, archeologists have just unearthed the actual apple core from the fruit eaten by Adam and Eve. It did not evolve from a pomegranate, and carbon-dating dates it at not 25 billion but 6,000 years." Falwell also praised Helms' decision to institute a policy of opening each class period with a prayer. "With the record of education today, kids need all the help they can get," he explained. James Watts is slated to head the groundkeeping department. "I'm really looking forward to this job," the former Interior Secretary told the Stranger. "There is plenty of open space which the University is at present under-utilizing. That, what is it, wheat field on the east side of campus: who needs it? We could rent that space out to firms who need to dispose of their waste products. Studies show that the Pike River Valley could be rich in coal deposits, and extracting them could positively impact the tuition rates for decades to come. The new ROTC complex will obliviate the necessity of pruning that stupid forest my predecessors allowed to grow all over the south campus. But what I'm looking forward the most is the constrution of the MX missile silos between the inner and outer loop roads." There are more changes to come. Helms expressed concern with the Wyllie Library. "A lot of those books have got to go," he told a faculty meeting Monday night. "Decadence, immorality, and filth pervade those shelves. It's not just fiction — F. Scott Fitzgerald, James Baldwin and other inflammatory authors — b ut many of the so-called non-fiction books are dangerous as well. I've talked this matter over with Mr. Watt and clearly we cannot have all these discarded books lying all over the place, creating a litter problem. He and I agree that the most effective and ' environmentally soud means if disposing of the materials would be to burn them." The resulting uproar among the faculty was soon quelled by the beefed-up campus security force. Helms has stressed that the moral development of the students at P.U. is of prime concern to his new administration. In addition to the prayer time in all class periods _ a chapel will be added to the campus, taking the place of Union Square. Whether attendance will be mandatory has not yet been decided, said Helms. In a related matter, Helms expressed pleasure that the university has gotten rid of Gen Con. "That's a very dangerous game," he told a PSGA meeting Monday. "You get little children believing that they are demons, that they are suicidal maniacs, that they can become invisible at will and open locked doors with magical spells. Besides, have you ever seen any of those people? They're all GEEKS!" The Stranger has learned that the reason Helms has purchased the Chancellorship of P.U. is that he has changed his mind in regards to his efforts to buy the CBS television network and change its newscasting policies. Sources close to the Senator inform us that Helms seeks to win over the hearts and minds of persons aged 18-30, w hom he feels are ripe for the new conservative movement. Rather than forcing ideological change upon an established television network, the Senator feels that it is more cost-effective to force campus newspapers to promote the conservative line. The editorial staff of Stranger, however, maintains that the newspaper's integrity depends upon its independence from administration interference. Editor Jennie Tunkieicz (rhymes with munkieicz) has promsied that the Stranger will never knuckle under...(excuse me, I've got to answer the phone.) Hello? My transcripts? You can't... Now, just a minute... You wouldn't! You can't! You will? NO....anything but that! Wait! I'll tell you anything you want to know! I'll write whatever you say! You want to know who that professor is who doesn't like Falwell? Can I... Yes, sir. Certainly, sir. Of course, sir. Thank you, sir. Goodbye, sir. And in conclusion, the entire student body at Parkside is looking forward with anticipation and enthusiasm to the bright new era promised by Chancellor Helms, a right, true, Christian and upstanding human being — na y, saint, the boots of which I arp not worthy to lick the mud and scum off of with my own tongue. Let's all give him our full support. How about a nice round of applause for God's Gift to Parkside, Jesse "The Great" Helms! Let them eat it raw by All Means Last week a new food service took over the job of feeding hungry Parkside students. A spokesman for the Ralston Purina company said they will do all they can to insure that students are fed well. "We just recently expanded our operation to include running food operations for colleges," said company spokesman T. Ralph Bowouzer. "We are trying to move our image beyond that of just a pet food company." Bowouzer said that one way in which this image change will be accomplished is by the introduction of a new product: Purina College Chow. "New College Chow contains all the necessary nutrients needed for a busy college student. These nutrients are put together in a tasty, textbook-shaped nugget," said Bowouzer. "These nuggets have the additional feature of making their own gravy when you put water on them," he added. In an informal poll, ninety percent of students polled said they were unaware of the food sewice change-over, although most said they had noticed an improvement in food quality. Toss me a dorf by Bonds The Parkside Athletic Department, in conjunction with the International Person Tossing Federation, is sponsoring an event that could attract major attention to Parkside. The event is the "Dorf Throw," based on the popular and controversial dwarf tossing contests held in Australia. In this event, Parkside Ranger basketball star Erlan Wonderdorf will throw contestants as far as he can. A helmet and padding will be provided for the participants. The person thrown the farthest by Wonderdorf will receive free hospitalization at the instutition of his choice. The event will cost $5, with half the proceeds going to feed the residents of Ranger Hall. Entries are limited to the first 50 people to sign up. Entry forms are available at the Athletic Department office and major medical centers in Racine and Kenosha. Start Can you help Doug find his way through registration? L HO"] BOOKS FofJ 3 WEEKS ZL_J Default O/v Sro&E#T Loaw Sec-fion Closed TRY AGA/A// Finish V by Gones To have known him is to have forgotten him, but such is truly an unjust fate for one of the early pioneers of television spectery, Basil Wraithbone, perhaps best known as one of the original members of the Ghostly Trio of the Casper The Friendly Ghost series. Wraithbone, however, has been staging a comeback in recent years, and was gracious enough to grant me a recent telephone interview. "I was new to show business back then," the 120-year-old Wraithbone told me, speaking of his 1944 start with the Casper series. "In life, I had been a bassoon instructor in a little town called Shunk, Pennsylvania, but after my death in 1940, I passed on to other things." For a while, Wraithbone haunted a music store in Shunk, and that is how he came to break into show business. "It's the kind of thing you read about always happening to other people," he told me. "I was basically just hanging around the back room playing a bassoon, when this guy comes in and says to me, 'Hey, you play that thing real good.' Next thing I know, I'm in the theater, off-Broadway, in a musical revival of 'Spoon River Anthology.' I'd never been in a play before, but I decided, 'Hey! This is fun' and that's how it started." In 1944 Wraithbone got word that Famous Studios was planning a series featuring a friendly ghost, and he went to audition for the part. Wraithbone was turned down for the lead role, but ended up being cast as one of the series' regular villains. "They were looking for someone young, to appeal to the youth audience, for the leading role," Wraithbone explained. "Even with a falsetto, no one is going to believe I am a kid." And so the part went to Casper Wyman, then aged 43, a child vaudeville star who had suffocated to death in 1907 due to a large tomato thrown at him by an irate theater-goer in Toledo. In no time at all, the Casper series was a big success, and that is when the trouble started. Wraithbo- Chancellor applications sought Is a small liberal arts college what you're looking for? Are you bored? Do you hate Ohio? Would $62,000 a year help pay your gambling debts? Would you like your own private bar in your office? Could you tolerate driving an old station wagon, if it was free? Would you like a rent-free home where you wouldn't have to mow your own lawn or wash your own windows? If you can answer yes to two or more of the above questions, you might be qualified for the position of Chancellor — even if you can't read the questions, you may still be qualified. The Stranger is accepting applications for this rather dull, and certainly uneventful job. NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY! Be the first Chancellor on your block. 10-year employment limit. Get your application today! Wraithbone, seen here at the 1952 gala opening of "She's Working Her Way Through College" with Ronald Reagan, no longer regrets having downed so many martinis that he barfed all over the future President's nice white suit. ne started hitting the bottle. Hard. "I can look back on the films now and see how badly it was affecting my work," said Wraithbone. "I was hazy and blurred and kept fading in and out all the time. You look at the outtakes and you can see shots of me falling flat on my face through the floor. It was bad. Production schedules also suffered; Wraithbone would show up at the shoots late or not at all — and sometimes he would arrive for the shoot and still not show up, totally forgetting to become visible, which drove the make-up crew crazy. Finally, the management of Famous Studios handed him his walking papers. "They slipped right through my fingers. I was in shock. I couldn't even hold on to a piece of paper." Wraithbone described his fight to free himself from the bottle as "one of the most terrible periods of my afterlife," but well worth it, and now he is concentrating on his comeback. "It was difficult after living down the reputation I had made during my drinking years," he admits. He was turned down for parts in "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" and "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir," among others, but by the late 70's the industry was ready to forget Wraithbone's past. His big break came when Steven Spielberg asked him to make a cameo appearance in his 1982 film "Poltergeist." "There's no doubt about it, Spielberg is one of the greatest directors alive today," said Wraithbone. "He has a real feeling for the afterlife. At times it made me think he may have been dead once himself, and I mean that as a compliment." I asked Wraithbone why he turned down a role in the 1984 blockbuster "Ghostbusters," starring Bill Murray and Dan Ackroyd. "Murray and Ackroyd, they're two really funny men, and I really respect (Harold) Ramis, but I felt that film was demeaning to dead people. There's no understanding of what it means to be a dead person in society today. What of the future? "I'm looking at a number of scripts right now," said Wraithbone. "I've got one right here, called 'Jacques Brel is Deceased, Oh, Well, and Buried in Paris,' which looks mighty promising. It's a musical. That would bring me around full circle, I guess." More immediately, Wraithbone would like to return to visit Shunk, Pennsylvania, again. "I haven't been there in ages., it would be good to see my old haunts again." Do you have a small plot of unused land? \ An old garden? A window box? Now you can put these unused bits of land to work and help out your country at the same time. The U S needs MX Missile Sites. With 25 new missiles on the way we need places to put them. Fast. it's easy Just call or write and we'll send a grossly overpaid 8 government construction crew to your home within days to a begin work In just two years and 17 cost overruns, you'll have S a backyard to be proud of. And the best part is: your yard will ^ look just the same as before, except for the steel hatch and the 8 70 000 sq. ft. of poured concrete. 3 So if you want to help, just call 1-SOO-SKA-BOOM or write: ^ NUKE THEM RUSSKIES. Box 1000. Pueblo. Col. 81009. Spirited superstar from ghost to ghost Giant bagel attacks UW-P by Pass A 50 foot onion bagel invaded the campus today. Onlookers cried, "It was horrible, frightening!" A total of 30 people were injured as the leavened loaf lunked through the hallways. 15 people received squished appendages, and the other 15 wer e hospitalized for removal of embedded crumbs from their bodies. It is rumored that the bagel grew to its enormous size after an unknown student spilled radioactive coffee on it. The coffee was grown on a nuclear waste site as part of an environmental experiment program. "We were testing to determine the effects of nuclear waste products on waste-heads, so a college was the perfect surrounding. It's unfortunate that an innocent bagel was hurt in the process," said Nat Snora, Food and Drug Services Director at Sparkside. The National Guard was called in to stop the bagel from spreading terror across the city. The National Guard put a stop to the mammoth roll by freezing it in its tracks. But according to Snora the 50 foot frozen bagel will not be wasted. 25 aircraft flew the bagel to Ethiopia as Sparkside's contribution to famine relief. Snora said the Union also hopes to grow cream cheese and jelly by pouring radioactive coffee on the spreads. The humongous cheese and jelly will also be sent to Africa for use on the huge bagel. "Oy vey," said Snora. "A bagel without cream cheese is like an hour without a beer." Bagel attack captured by ace Stranger . Wraithbone Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Stranger, Volume 13, Issue 100, April 1, 1985 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1985-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/fa59c97a54fd682512ab69ab5a9215f7.pdf 055ab69cc26dd95926aa8fbc2cbe2e0c Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Steroids the Future of pro sports Issue Volume 1, issue 1 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document March 31,2017 BEARLY NEWS Volume 1 I Issue 1 I 7 BEARLY NEWS! Please, bear with us here. Steroids the Future ro snorts HUNTER FRENCH frenc019@rangers. uwp. edu Steroids. Stimulants. Human growth hormone. These substances have received a bad wrap from the sports community over the years, mostly because of the unfair advantages they offer to their users over other athletes. A new trend in sports However, this trend is changing. We are living amidst a new sports revolution. Many athletes are proposing a new solution to the performance-enhancing drug (PED) stigma: since the drugs are illegal due to the unfair advantage they give their users, a new sports league will be created, one in which performance enhancing drug use is not only permitted, but is required. The 'roid renaissance Imagine the Olympics with zero restrictions on what athletes put in their bodies. 'Roided runners would put Usain Bolt to shame. Stimmed swimmers would turn Michael Phelps into a fish out of water. We like these people because they are the fastest and strongest human beings on the planet. A new Olympics with enhanced athletes would wipe the slate clean with new records (unless returning athletes conform to the new policy as well), as well as giving newcomers a shot at gold. "It's the morally sound thing to do" In light of these new developments in sportsmanship, many sports conglomerates are making statements in regard to this new decision. Roger Goodell, the commissioner of the National Football League (NFL) has recently said "I fully support this decision. The NFL will be the first league to require PEDs for all of its players. I believe that it's the morally sound thing to do. Humans are at the top of the food chain because we evolved above the rest of the animal kingdom. This is the next step in the evolution of football." Goodell also stated that the NFL guidelines have changed in other ways, such as the doubling of the length of the football field to accommodate for longer throw distances. Saving smaller sports Under this new league, footballers will experience bone-shattering tackles, and hockey fights will end in mass casualties. This boosts ratings for sporting events, COURTESY OF VIRGINIA COMMONWEATH UNIVERSITY LIBRARIES football has come a long way since its establishment w The future is now hich will increase the funding these sports get. Smaller sports will reap these benefits as well. Fencing matches will escalate to duels to the death. Bowling balls will destroy bowling alleys when thrown down the lane at 500 feet per second. Curling will actually become relevant... whatever curling actually is. As time continues to drone onward, many struggle to keep up with the times. Many will wonder if the decisions made in this day and age make any sense at all. I urge those of you who think this way to open your eyes and see the truth, which is this: performance enhancing drugs will save the world of sports. Trump Puts white house on the market WILLAPGAR apgarO01 @rangers. uwp. edu President Donald Trump announced this Tuesday that he is planning on selling the White House to the highest bidder. "1 prefer if the bidding is done with Ruble," said Trump, who seems to be favoring Russian bids over American. Buying the dairy state "I have plenty of money. So much money. More money than we can fit in the White House. Enough money to cover all of Wisconsin, twice. I could buy that state, you know. Paul Ryan is such a joke to the Republican Party, I bet I could buy his whole damn state and kick him out." Trump proved his claim true as he has now bought all public and private property in Wisconsin. All UW schools have now been forced to rename themTrump puts the white house up for auction. selves to University of Trump, or UT, except for Parkside, which did not have the funds to replace "Wisconsin" with "Trump". American to Russian Paul Ryan spoke on the purchase as "bad business"—which might not be wrong. Since the Wisconsin purchase, all brewing companies have converted to Vodka manufacturers, and the state has now seceded from the rest of the union. Wisconsin currency has changed to rubles and the Packers have been renamed the "Putins". Trump and Parkside UW Parkside now serves as a modern historic site - seeing as it is the only UW school left. Trump has not been shy with his opinions on the school's inability to change its name, saying "Parkside? The bear school? The school where they kill bears? 1 don't care if they become a UT school or not. Either way, their degrees are and will always be valueless. Sad!" Trump has also not been shy on his opinions on what he calls "The Failing Ranger News"— Trump is quoted saying "Pathetic. they have no real news to report on. They have to hire satirist to make up articles just so people will read it!" The issues of Trump occupation in Wisconsin now threatens the nation as a whole—bidding on The White House ends on. Exclusive interview with God confirms "Life has no meaning" WILLAPGAR apgarO01 @ rangers, uwp. edu After centuries of denying interviews, the Lord has finally agreed to sit down with Parkside reporters and address many questions that have plagued humanity since its dawn. The only condition was not to publish any footage of the interview because cameras are considered to be "witchcraft". Life's meaning The Lord spoke on many things, including how "Plato is boring" and how he wishes Black Sabbath wasn't so against him. Perhaps the most shocking news we acquired was His view on the purpose of life. "Yeah there is none", spoke God. "Life has no meaning. 1 thought that video game, "The Sims," would be a hint." This struck us as shocking - we followed up with asking, "what about heaven?" to which He replied, "I don't know why you're all obsessed with moving in with me. All we do is play basketball and appoint kings to power. Now that most monarchies are over, it's pretty boring. Being a good person is cool and all, but I'd prefer people who can pay rent." Religious advice When asked about the various religions the Lord spoke, "Yeah, follow any of them. 1 don't care. I'm not like a politician; I'm not up for re-election. I'm God and that don't change. There's no right or wrong ones. Even atheist! You don't wanna believe in me? Well, 1 don't believe in you, either!" When asked what he meant, God clarified, "It's like believing in yourself. It's all about confidence. You'll never get a job if you think you don't deserve it, right Jason?" For readers who don't know, this was an obvious blow at our reporter, Jason Seige, who recently stuttered through the interview at the local Target. Following the insult, a brawl broke out, ultimate ly conceding our report. We still have many questions for the Lord, who revealed plans on starting a new YouTube account where he will be playing and reacting to the cult-classic online game, Happy Wheels. The new interview date is scheduled for April 17 - the day following Easter. In that case, we should just use our guns. 8 | SPORTS THE RANGER NEWS March 31,2017 Rangers season review girls and guys Sports Standings BRADY RUSSELL russe032@rangers.uwp. edu Another year of UW-Parkside basketball is wrapped up and once again the Rangers have success, and begin the learning process for the next season. Men's year in review For the fifth straight season, the UW-Parkside men's basketball team made the NCAA tournament but fell short of beating Bellarmine, a team now in the Elite Eight, 71-62. It was an up-and-down year for the Rangers, starting out 15-1 before losing three of their next five games and finishing the year with a 7-7 record, 22-8 overall. Nonetheless, the Rangers proved, once again, that they are a Great Lakes Valley Conference (GLVC) powerhouse, making the GLVC tournament in Evansville, Indiana, for the fifth straight year and making consistent appearances in the NCAA Tournament. A look ahead The Rangers are returning all but two players next season; however, those two players were huge for this year's team: Alexander Brown and Jake Verhagen. They averaged 27.4 of the team's 80 points per game last year; they averaged 47.4% from the field and 39.7% from beyond the arc. Their ability to score will surely be missed on next year's team, but many players now have the opportunity to step up. The Rangers are returning Kendale McCullum, who averaged 15.3 points, 6.1 assists and 4.7 rebounds per game, as well as their two big men Kyle Flanagan and Goran Zagorac, who averaged 16.3 The women's softball team huddled at points and 11 rebounds per game between the two of them. Role players like Espen Fjaerestad, Adam Bonk, and Chavares Flanigan are also returning. The future looks bright for the Rangers as they hope to continue their nin of success. Women's season in review The Lady Rangers finished the year 10-17, but their record does not do this team enough justice, as they made wonderful progress throughout the year. After starting the season out 0-9, the ladies went on to win 10 of their last 18 games and finished 8-10 in conference. Despite this record, they made the opening weekend of the GLVC tournament before losing to Rockone of their latest games. hurst 82-65, ending their season. They pulled off some close wins over teams like Indianapolis, McKendree and St. Joseph and suffered some close losses to teams like Truman State, Bellarmine and Southern Indiana. All in all, it was a productive and structuring year for the Lady Rangers. Looking forward Like the men's team, the Lady Rangers are returning all but two of last years team; their two losses are Forward/ Center Bailey North and the team's leading scorer, Brittney Fair. Brittney averaged 13.6 points, 2.8 assists, and 2.9 rebounds per game. Though she will be missed. Coach Yorg has a lot to look forward to, including sophomore •HIm * i COURTESY OF UW-PARKSIDE ATHLETICS guard Taylor Stephan, who averaged 6.2 points, 2.6 assists and 4.2 rebounds per game, and Lauren Boerger who came on in the second half of the season scoring wise and finished the year averaging 8.1 points per game. The team is also returning their two 6'4 centers Shelby Cheston and Clarisa Martinez, who, between them, averaged 9.7 points and 8.7 rebounds per game. With Fair gone, the team will look for a new scorer and that role could be filled by any number of players including: Olivia Montague, Blair Arthur or Asiah Lawson. The future for the Lady Rangers could have beaming success in the future if they keep up the grit and determination they showed all season long. UW-P Softball player spotlight: Carly Dundee JOSH STEWART stewa038@rangers. uwp. edu Carly Dundee is one of the key components of the 2017 UW-Parkside softball team, and is considered one of the team leaders. Dundee is a senior who is currently in her fourth season as a Ranger, and her career has been a success. A priceless leader Last season, while appearing as a pitcher, and infielder Dundee had made her impact and her presence felt on a game to game basis. The Kinesiology major led the team in almost every major category on the offensive and defensive side of the field. She was a sure thing every game as well, as she started in 48 games and appeared in all 49 on the season. A performance like that was able to show her true worth on the team. n Carley Dundee up to bat Once a leader, always a leader Dundee came to the campus straight out of her high school, Lockport High, which is in Homer Glen, Illinois, a suburb of COURTESY OF UW-PARKSIDE ATHLETICS Chicago. She was a perennial all conference player in her time there, and much like she does as a Ranger, she lead her team in all major categories at the high school level. On and off the field While the team is only 6-16 at this point in the season. Dundee has kept up with her team leadership. Dundee has led the team on and off the field, and her teammates look to her when the going gets tough. Dundee's goals Despite the disappointing start to her senior season, Dundee has always managed to stay optimistic for the long run: "This season started out a little rocky, but it's very helpful for us and our coach to see what works and what needs improvement."Looking ahead, Dundee hopes to the bring the team some more success and get the team record back to .500 on the season. The playoffs will be nearing soon and the team has high hopes that they can turn it around. She solidified her optimism in saying, "I think our season looks very bright!" Rangers dominate at wrestling championship BRADY RUSSELL russe032@rangers. uwp. edu The Rangers showed up in force yet again this year at the NCAA Division 2 Wrestling Tournament, with team leader Nick Becker winning his second straight National Championship. However, two other Rangers also made it far this year. Ronzel Darling and Arik Furseth were both knocked out before the semifinals but capped off tremendous seasons. Becker Wins, Team Finishes in 18th Nick Becker won his second national championship, defeating Blaze Shade in a rematch of last years title match and for the third time this season 8-4. Led by Becker and with help from Darling and Furseth, the Rangers finished 18th nationally with 23.5 points, Notre Dame claimed the crown with 103.5 points. Rangers Making Progress It shows that the Rangers still have progress to be made, but led by Nick Becker and with help from a young up-and-comer like Arik Furseth, the future looks glowing for the Rangers. The Rangers are returning 24 of their 28 wrestlers from last year and hope to build further towards a national championship. Darling and Furseth Darling lost his first match to Willie Bohince of Mercyhurst 8-4 after being down 6-0 at one point and mounting a furious comeback; he then won his second match 7-4 over Jaret Singh of Maryville, but ended his day losing Darek Huff of Adams State 7-0. Darling finished the year with a 30-6 record and ends his career at UW-Parkside with over 100 wins, a huge jump forward from his 2-3 record his first year at UW-Parkside. First Match Won Arik Furseth also had a good day to cap off a good year. Arik won his first match in his first ever appearance at the NCAA tournament, 2-0 over Bryce Shoemaker of NebraskaKearney. Furseth, the redshirt freshman, then lost to Dustin Warn er of Wheeling Jesuit 5-1 and finished his year losing to David Bavery of Notre Dame 5-1. Ultimately, Furseth finished the year with a 24-13 record. NCAA Div II GLVC East Con! Div Total Streak 2017 Men's Basketball 1. Bellarmine (7) 1-0 13-8 25-3 W1 2. Southern Ind. (15) 0-1 7-10 263 LI 3. UW-Parkslde CM) 6-7 21-6 L1 2017 Women's Basketball 1. Southern lnd.(20) 16-2 9-1 24-5 LI 2. Lewis 13-5 7-3 23-9 L2 3. Bellarmine (17) 136 7-3 226 L2 2017 Wrestling 1. UW-Parkslde > (3) 66 NA 13-2 W7 2. Maryville (3) 6-1 NA 10-4 W3 3. McKendree (5) 4-2 NA 18-6 W9 INDEX (#) = NCAA Div 2 rank $ = Conference Champions Sports Schedules Softball 4/1112 .pm„ 2 p.m. | University of Indianapolis (DH) 4/2112 p.m., 2 p.m. | aiSnt Joseph's College (DH) 4/411 p.m., 3 p.m. | Lewis University (DH) Romeoville, IL 4/8112 p.m., 2 p.m. | University of Illinois Springfield (DH) 4/9112 p.m., 2 p.m. | McKendree University (DH) 4/14112 p.m., 2 p.m. | University of Southern Indiana (DH) Baseball 4/1 112 p.m., 2 p.m. | aiSnt Joseph's College (DH) 4/2112 p.m., 2 p.m. | aiSnt Joseph's College (DH) 4/8112 p.m., 2 p.m. | University of Southern Indiana (DH) Evansville, IN 4/9112 p.m., 2 p.m. | University of Southern Indiana (DH) Evansville, IN Women's Track and Field 4/1 | All Day | Washington University in St. Louis Invitational St. Louis, MO 4/7 | All Day | Marquette University Invitational Milwaukee, Wl 4/13 ) All Day | University of Wisconsin-Platteville Invitational Platteville, Wl Men's Track and Field 4/7 I All D ay | Marquette University Invitational Milwaukee, Wl 4/13 | All Day I U niversity of Wisconsin-Platteville Invitational Platteville, Wl 4/15 | All Day | Benedictine University Lisle, IL Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Bearly News, Volume 1, issue 1, March 31, 2017 Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 2017-03-31 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/3248a8724bbd35fcdd2a4e2a412045d7.pdf 9fe6686c12131ef57ae01c87a83b5c88 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Gates to United Nations: We will crush you Issue Volume 29, issue 5 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document It you think this is real, seek professional help Gates to United Na.tions "We will crush vou!" APE Newswire Leagues of zealous microsoftians stormed across U.S borders Friday after Judge Jackson handed down his ruling. The U.5. military was caught unaware, and the microsoftians quickly took control of.the majority of the western seaboard. The Chief prosecutor in the landmark antitrust trial, John Lewis explained the situation. "It seems that Gates saw he was in trouble and secretly bought Canada a few months ago. Using Windows 2000: Mindcontrol Edition I", the evil overlord dominated the . Canadians and has been training them in elite military maneuvers and to use Windows 2000. Our intelligence indicates that the only reason they didn't attack sooner was that they had to keep reinstalling Windows 2000after constant crashes." Gates has set up his new empire on the ashes of the old Microsoft offices. New features include Windows 2000: Missile Defense Edition™, Windows 2000: Toxic Gas Edition TM, and Windows 2000: Torture Room of Extjeme Pain Edition™ among other ghastly 'editions.' Several attempts to infiltrate and neutralize Gates have failed. After securing this new territory, Gates flew to New York on the back of his mighty Mastermold robot to speak to the United Nations. "I am' Evil Overlord Bill, and 1 expect to be addressed as such," Gates said. "Your insolence will not be tolerated any longer, and 1 will take over the world. We will crush you. My dreams of squashing all competition and forcing computers users to exist on 64k of memory are at hand. Fear the 64k revolution!" Gates followed his speech with maniacal laughter and a note on the plug and pray capabilities of Windows 2000. American leaders were left in shock as Gates flew away riding his mighty robot. "We can't even mount a defense because all our computers had Windows 98 and they are all automatically updating via the internet to Windows 2000: World Domination Editionl"," said General Ed McKinley. Can America prevail and drive back this evil menace or will we all be forced to use eDOS (the e is for evil) and 64k of RAM? Sources say toplevel generals are in secret negotia tions with both the MacOS and Linux camps to put an end to the evil empire. As one Macintosh flyboy said, "we've been warning them for years that this was going to happen. Well now everyone knows the true evil of using Windows." New Executive parking spot in Main Place sparks controverSY, injury Jack Logan Chancellor Keating has sparked controversy with not only his new parking spot in Main Place, but also with his .horrendous driving. "It seemed as if he were aiming right for me," said and bruised and battered Jamie Freeman. "I started running when I saw the car coming and then wham, I was sprawled across the hood." A communications professor that asked to remain anonymous told the Strartger staff that he had asked for a budget increase the week before and "I was walking to class when 1 had the odd feeling that someone was following me, then 1 saw the car edge out from a side hallway and charge me at around 100 mph. 1barely jumped out of the way." He added, "Of course 1cancelled my request the next day. I'm not crazy." 8 ItroU think this iareal,"'k pro. feH1onalha1• ...... "anl/B In J Nitrous boosts performance, interest During the week of April 3, many students at Parkside reported feeling especially giddy and excited while they were in the main buildings of the schooL One student, Susan Arnold, explains "I was sitting in my Quantum Physics class and usually 1 just stare at the clock and try not to fall asleep, but for some reason, this week 1have found the class and the professor extremely interesting." This may not seem tike a bad thing. However, when 1,342similar cases were actually reported to university officials, the administration decided it was time to reveal the cause. The Director of Student Wellness on Campus, Dr. Reece held an informative meeting with concemed staff and students on Friday. Dr. Reece explained that, "I saw both the students and faculty just drooping. All the excitement was paying the price. Following recommendations from my staff, 1 decided to pump small amounts of nitrous oxide through the school's ventilation system for one week. Nitrous oxide is commonly used to make people . insensitive to pain, and many feel excited when they inhale it. This was a test to see what kind of results the gas would produce in our facility." After releasing his statement, Dr. Reece fielded numerous questions involving the safety of the gas and any long term effects it may have on the staff and students who inhale it. Dr. reece continually responded with Oswald Band 10 plav Main Evenl In a public relations coup, the PSGA has booked the world famous Oswald Band as the headliner for main Event. Fans describe their music as "just killer." Any CIA, cubans, mafia, n.w.o, illuminati, aliens, masons, or microsoftians that are looking for a patsy can contact Oswald at 262.555.5689 knowledgeable information that seemed to calm the crowd. Dr. Reece said, "I assure you that nitrous oxide is completely safe. Itis pleasant to inhale and it takes effect almost inunediately. It asia wears off rapidly, so soon after you stop inhaling it, you will begin to lose the feelingsthat the gas caused you to experience. The inhalation of the gas will not leave any lasting marks on the brain and will have no lingering effect." The positive result that the gas had on both the students and the faculty caused the administration to confront .the cost of the gas as compared to the benefits of long-term use. A.D. Mansfield, spokesperson for the administration, said, "We have all seen and felt the effects of the nitrous oxide on this university, but the price of the gas is steep and we will need to decide if the cost is worth the benefits." Many students and staff members who enjoy the effect of the gas believe that the benefits will greatly outweigh the cost. They mention the fact that the university will draw more students as word spreads and this means more incoming tuition. After hearing the statements by Dr. Reece, and the pleas from faculty members and students, the administration announced that they will continue with the research and make their final decision by the beginning of the fall 2000 semester. Graduate Nurses: Look to your Future, a future with endless possibilities, and a future with Aurora Health Care. Wisconsin's largest non-far-profit health care system Explore the VALUE of becoming an Aurora Nurse: • Job opportunities and growth in a variety of specialties/sites o. Competitive salary, benefits and incentive savings plan • Outstanding tuition reimbursement for continuing education such as BSN completion and advanced practice • Opportunities for practicing and shaping the direction of nursing practice • A self promoted clinical practice model • Access to our nursing research and educational training center • Unit specific CNS support and personalized orientation Our Metro-Milwaukee locations include: Aurora Medical Groups. Family Service of Milwaukee Friendship Village e Milwaukee Psychiatric Hospital St. Luke's Medical Center. SI. Luke's South Shore Sinai Samaritan Medical Center. West Allis Memorial Hospital The Visiting Nurse Association of Wh:~consin It's not too early to begin exploring job opportunities as a Graduate Nurse. Please contact us to set up an interview or to be mailed an application: Aurora Centralized Employment 3307 West Forest Home Avenue p.o. Box 343910 Milwaukee, WI 53234-3910 Nurse line: (414) 389-2602 Fax: (414) 671-8110 www.aurorahealthcare.org Equal Opportunity Employer M/F/D/V We support a safe, healthy and drug free work environment through criminal background checks and pre-employment drug testing. Ityou think thi. 1Ir.al,seek proten1onal belp "ange New TOJline seeks to end stereotypes Leo Roberts I Christmas may be nine months away, but toy manufactures are already developing the next big thing. Gaytypes Inc., a newcomer to the toy biz, thinks it has the next Furby and wants to educate at the same time. "We want American kids and kids around the world to know the truth aboutbeing gay. These toys will allow children to interact with non-stereotyped gay males so that less hate occurs as they grow up," said CEO Rick Sherman. "Most people don't know this, but Barbie was based on a German sex doll. We are just following the same business model of showing the truth and hope to achieve the same success. Just as Barbie looks like a normal woman, our action figures represent the average gay male." When asked what the average gay male looks like Sherman pulled out his market research which appeared to be several gay porn mags. "Gay men have huge penises. I'm talking about 2-3 feet long. We represented that in our figures along with the fact that gay men don't like to wear much clothing." Other distinguishing features include being extremely museu" lar, a tendency to wear costumes, and having tattoos Sherman added. "Our purpose is to not only bridge the sex gap with knowledge and understanding. but also to bridge the racial gap. We have at least one action figure for each ethnic group. I think we'll steal the show this Christmas and continue to work to end all stereotypes," said Sherman. Gaytypes can be reached at www.gaytypes.com or by phone at 1.800.555.6895. New bands storm pop music scene Chris Jackson Introducing the new teen acts that will dominate the year 2000.Forget the Backstreet Boys. Forget N'Sync. Hell, forget98 Degrees. Here are the groups that will blaze up the charts this year. First on the list is lesTalent. This new quartet were brought together by faith and a manager who believes in their ability. Before they release their first album in June, they will be taking singing lessons. "It's a little rough around the edges. Oh hell, it's a lot rough around the edges! But, everything should be ready for the album," said their manager, "This was never about whether they can sing. The girls will never notice because we plan on having the guys take off their shirts during concerts. Why do you think we have them spend so much time in the gym? Any sign of a gut and we're screwed!" The other group is Higher Voices. This quartet from Orlando is known for their high voices, which amazed people considering that all the members are in their mid-twenties. But their manager, Rich Innis, says their high-pitched voices should be no secret. "It's simple. They had their testicles cut off. We asked them if they think it's worth it, and they said they had no problem with it because they really wanted to be rich. Pretty clever, wasn't it?" To make sure that each group makes it big. all the members of each group have also sold their souls to Satan in order to make it. "Hey that's why the teen groups like the Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, and N'Sync hit it big. Does anybody really think that they made it on talent?" said Innis. Each group also has it in the contracts to give 50 percent of their sales to top 40 radio stations in order to play their songs every hour on the hour for months. The Ranger newspaper is looking for qualified candidates to fill all paid positions for the Fall 2000 staff - Assistant Business Manager Photographers Spans Reporters News Reponers Editor-in-Chiel Assistant Editor Business Manager Valuable resume experience and a fun place to work .• ,,", '-11" 9 ...... 10 ~ eli .... ~ ~ "" j If 1011think this isreal, seek proi'ea1onal help Red Ruffinsore I've had it up to here with these whiners who complain about building million dollar sports stadiums with taxpayers money. What's a few hundred million dollars wheri our civic identity is on the line? Our very way of life as God-fearing, sports-loving fans is at stake here and all these people can think about is paying for education and feeding the hungry! Let's get our priorities straight, pe0- ple! We need big beautiful new sports and entertainment complexes to emphasize the fact that we are proud of the cities we call home and proud of the teams that represent us. Does it matter that most of the people who attend sporting events at inner city sports palaces don't live-s-and therefore don't pay taxes-in the cities that build these monstrosities. Hell no! How else can we bring those SUVs in from the suburbs? And does it matter that most of the players who play at these stadiums and most of the owners who rake in obscene profits from them don't live in the cities from which they profit? Get serious! Given the choice between Milwaukee in February and Key West in February which would you pick? Speaking of Milwaukee, doesn't it do your heart good to see Miller Park rising toward the sky once again? Just think of all those corporate luxury boxes and club seats that will filled with happy baseball fans in2001. Just think of the $6 hot dogs and $7 beers those fans will consume, and the $9 spaces the cheerful parking lot attendants will be squeezing their sport utes ,range into. So what if it will wind up costing us half a billion dollars? It's worth every blasted cent for the joy of the watching the Brewers stink up the National League Central. It's worth every penny to see that roof roll closed when the temperature plunges into the suoArctic range in April ... and May ... and June ... and August...and September (we won't talk about October because the Brewers haven't played a game in October since 1982). Now look at what the Packers want to do. They want to build civic pride in Green Bay with a multi-million dollar shopping and entertainment complex adjacent to Lambeau Field. God bless them! I personally can't wait to buy a $10 green and gold yogurt at TCBY! I know you can't wait either. Now if we weren't spending taxpayer money on sports stadiums, what would we be doing with that money? Letting the taxpayer keep it? Heck no! We'd be spending it on better schools, on programs that feed hungry kids, on meaningful job training. What fun is that? We need to take our lead from cities like Baltimore and Cleveland. When the Orioles needed a spiffy new stadium; when Art Modell oozed into town looking for a news stadium, did the city worry that its schools were falling apart? NO! It built stadiums! Nice ones, too. When Cleveland had a gun held to its head by Richard Jacobs who threatened to move the Indians elsewhere if he didn't get a stadium; when the Cavaliers insisted they needed a new stadium; when the NFL dangled an , Sports Commentary let's Get Our Priorities Straight! Disclaimer The Stranger section of this paper is not based on any factual evidence. It is intended for entertainment purposes and to make our five readers laugh. Just because the geese droppings look like tootsie rolls does not mean you should eat them. The Stranger disavows any knowledge of existence being real and likes to pretend that this is just a really bad dream. expansion football franchise before the city's dazzled eyes, did the city worry that its school were bankrupt? Nope! Nope! Nope! Stadiums and an arena were built right quick, baby! Now don't get me wrong. I'm' all for education. Without colleges, there would be no football bowl games. Without colleges, there would be no Final Four in basketball. Education is important to sports fans. But fancy stadiums that produce multiple revenue streams are important, too! Happy billionaire owners and happy millionaire players are important, too! We just have to get our priorities straight! Going Home for the Summer? UW-Baraboa/Sauk County UW-Ban'on COU1ly (Rice UIkel UW-R;x1d du Lac UW-Fox YalIey (Meoashal UW-Manilowoc UW-Marathon COU1ly (Wausau) Pick UP college credits. UW-Waukesha UW-Marinelle Earn collega cred~s this summer at a University ot Wisconsin two-year campus in or near your hometown. . UW-MarshfieldlWood County UW-RIch1and (Richland centsll • Experience small classes taught by professors on campus or take classes online at www.uwcolleges.com - UW-Rock COU1ly (Jar1eSViIel • Ensure your credits transfer by consulting the UW Transfer Information Syslem (TIS) at www.uwsa.edu/tlsl UW-WashiIlglI:M ICounty For tradftlonal summer classes vlsft www.uwc.edu For onli'."\cla sees visa www.uwcollelles.com -, Call toll I_lor more information 1-888-11\1FO-DWC (West Bend) UNIVERSITY WISCONSIN COLLEGES The freshmanlsopboffiOTe OW campu$e5 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Stranger , Volume 29, issue 5, April 13, 2000 Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 2000-04-13 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/a7f9acc5d0ef3a5ce2250b9bddb55466.pdf e7ef5218796a6305c02bc7232ee70f7c Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Smith Rocked With Hendrix Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Stranger April 1, 1995 Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1995-04-01 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/a0ecbbc462646bc57c93e27df3767649.pdf 7da9bb5dae2367fdaf3d205808326746 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Follow-up to the Alberto Tomba Interview Issue Volume 22, issue 23 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Stranger News, Volume 22, issue 23, April 1, 1994 Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1994-04-01 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/01aa29450fee08e8bb225aa553ad30f3.pdf 7a4fff382537b6c66f9c699fe98d0ecf Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Radical things to occur with Chancellor Bart Issue Volume 0, issue 0 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The UW-Bartside Ranger, Volume 0, issue 0, April 1, 1990 Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1990-04-01 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/fc84d4945707bb155a28d98940e53bf8.pdf 5c3a8d810825ac8a2129161608bed50f Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Serpe celebrates in Mad-City Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Parkside Stranger, April 1, 1987 Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1987-04-01 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/af37a865f84451378a28c81af252c1fc.pdf 115c1087103488a2229c23e84ea34373 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. PSGA announces world takeover Issue Volume 3 cubic feet Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Stranger, Volume 3 cubic feet, March 31, 1983 Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1983-04-31 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/26911b8d6e95035e56235e19196571e4.pdf 1baf6c0fb5d91678c186f3358ca428cc Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Issue Vol. 2 cubic feet No. 1 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document Nothing that is contained in this issue of the Stranger is intended to be factual. All names, pictures, and references to real people are purposely coincidental. However, if you wish to take anything in this issue seriously, that is your own damn problem and since we are printing this disclaimer you ugly people out there can't do a thing to us, you bunch of morons. Day 368 of Reagan's convalescence Utellum Correspondence School ranger Vol. 2 cubic feet No. 1 Bombed in Union A bomb blasted the Union Square yesterday, the direct result of a terrorist attack by a group calling itself CRAP (Crazy Radicals At Parkside). The group claimed responsibility for the incident, saying that it was the only way it felt it could get attention in an apathetic school such as this one. Parkside Security was immediately called to the scene, however, several security personnel were already inside the Square at the table in the back corner when the bomb went off. No one in the building was severely hurt. When asked why the bomb was planted in the Union Square, a spokesman for the terrorist group said only, "It seemed like the thing to do. We thought of the library first, but we know there's never anybody there." No one has been arrested in connection with the incident since, of course, whoever planted the bomb didn't stick around to watch it go off. Damage to the Square is estimated at about $23.68, not counting tax. Why do birds exist? by Doug resuahnedE FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Did you ever wonder what birds think about all the time? Do they even think at all? Were they just put on this planet to spew mindless, albeit wonderfully melodic, soliloquies? I prefer to think not. After all, wouldn't it be a trifle selfish of th e human race to deny our feathered friends, or any other of G od's creatures, the existence of intelligence of any substance? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Just taking the liberty to merely listen to the birds and not trying to give them any feedback, or at least trying to understand them. Birds could be very much like humans, if they really wanted to. But it just so happens that they decided to journey upon a different path of existence. They took to the air, opening up to themselves a much more efficient mode of transportation than we humans have. They don't have to squabble with other groups of birds over such subjects as fuel prices or import tariffs. I'm sorry. I just can't go on with this masquerade anymore. Birds are totally ignorant beasts that often fly into windows because they don't have the ability to tell the difference between a wall and their nests, and if they did have any intelligence they'd be burning each other's nests out of hatred and jealousy. They would continually be having species riots between different factions. What a laugh! Birds being intelligent. Nancy Reagan gets new jeans by C.B. Everybody knows about Nancy Reagan's clothes, and of the controversy and condemnation she creates by accepting new ones. All the "great" designers get to write these gifts off. Nancy, in turn, gives these "gifts" to museums, where visitors are sure to beat down doors to see the famous frocks. Well, hey, we want a tax break too! So Stranger proudly announces that sweet ol' Nancy will be the first recipient of our own special brand of designer jeans. These jeans will carry the elite ESAD* label. We feel Nancy is worthy of th ese jeans and should feel honored to wear them. Hopefully, they will catch on, for there are several other people in Washington who deserve to wear the ESAD label. * Eat Shit And Die John Hingstson has a problem. He's a chain smoker. New Dorms Itranger photo by M. Mole The administration announced yesterday that plans are being made to open the Parkside Dormatories. A university spokesman said the dorms will be located near the Village, giving the residents a panoramic view of the beautiful countryside surrounding Parkside. The building (pictured above) will not need any renovating. "That's OK," said the spokesman, "because we don't have enough money to even buy a welcome mat." And now, the news in brief by the never ending searcher of truth and justice, Pat Chickensiak. The teaching awards committee announced last week that they have had to cancel this year's teaching award. Associate Dean Michael Chasis, head of the committee was quoted as saying, "We were too late, we finally located a teacher worthy of the award, but we discovered that he'd just been non - renewed. Apparently, he was the last one." In other news, hundreds of students waiting for the results of their English competency exam have staged a sit-in in front of th e room where the faculty committee is locked in a bitter debate Gross Out Students are real slobs r by Carol Burns What's a quick way to get grossed out? No, besides that. How about the feeling you get when you go to a drinking fountain and find assorted filth floating within? Many times this can happen to you when you least expect it: when you are running to some class after charging up the stairs; before a big test; or when you are just plain thirsty. Okay, so this isn't a pleasant subject, but it happens rather frequently at Parkside. The crud found in these drinking fountains is not the fault of the cleaning staff. God knows they do their best to keep Parkside one of the cleanest in the state. They can only do so much, though, and if students keep filling Up the "bubblers," who could blame them if they go on strike? Come on now! Let's have a little class. This is the Big Time. Do all you perverts out there have to spit your chewed gum into our drinking fountains? Can't some of you smokers walk an extra ten feet to an ashtray to dump your butts? Do you people get some kind of weird thrill out of plugging up public fixtures? And another thing: All you rejects from "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" who like to clean out your noses with your fingers should know that you have cornered the market on gagging people. Of co urse everybody gets hungry when they have back - to - back classes, but you nose - pickers are going to have to try to restrain yourselves. Everyone praises self - reliance, but that's ridiculous. We are all adults, and there really is no place for this type of behavior at Parkside. Let's get these slobs to clean up their act before this school gets a bad reputation. as to what is correct. The faculty committee started the argument two months ago over the placement of commas, ahd they have gotten to the point where they must be force fed. Local area doctors have several times requested that the fight be stopped, but no one can seem to reach them. A plea has arisen from the spouses and relatives of the professors. Said S. Parakeet, wife of one of the professors, "All we want is to know that they are still alive in there." The Ranger will have more complete details on the subject next week. The Parkside security squad has had more than its share of trouble this past week. It seems that the entire squad was arrested by Kenosha authorities in connection with drug smuggling charges. According to police reports, the security force had an elaborate system of sm uggling in drugs to the Parkside Village. See next week's Ranger for more details. APPLICATIONS NOW BEING TAKEN FOR SPORTS EDITOR MAKE $3.35 per/hr. —12 Hrs./Week QUALIFICATIONS — Edit sport stories, write occasional sports stories, work well with others, be able to jump printing presses in a single bound, be innovative, courageous, single with no dependent children. Hate for all sports desirable but not mandatory. Inquire at the RANGER OFFICE WLLC D139 Farewell Follett Follies Stranger presents £ " ParkSid6 ' t0 "» •"** * *• theme from ..The I'm so mad we've had this time together, just to pay a lot for bad service. Seems we just get started and we pay a surcharge, comes the time we can say, good riddance. fvfit Athletic dirt revealed by Tammy Papermate This reporter has heard through very confidential sources, that Jim Cooky, coach of the Parkside wrestling team, will be announcing the engagement to the love of his life very shortly. The blushing - bride - to - be, affectionately known as the 'Crusher' to his closer friends is somewhat of a famous figure after his semi - weekly appearances on All - Star Wrestling. A few invitations have already been sent out. Among others, the 'Bruiser', the 'Masked Marvel' and 'Gorgeous George' have been invited. * * * The Parkside baseball team, newly dubbed the "Bad News Rangers" has had some pretty nice happenings as of late. This columnist is pleased to announce the signing of Kevin Biteher, former Ranger Shortstop to the Chicago Cubs. On Biteher's first appearance during Spring training, he attained the status of leading the league with a batting average of —.092. Way to go Kevin!! * # + In another light of Parkside sports, one of the main swimmers of the now defunct Swim Club has been approached by NGN movie productions to star in the up - and - coming new movie documentary of Esther Williams' life. After much snooping, or should I say investigating, it has been discovered that the swimmer with the initials of K. Z. (who wishes to remain anonymous) has signed the contract, and filming will commence sometime after his sex change operation. * * * Dick Freckle, the men's tennis team coach, was physically ousted from the Racine YMCA after trying to gain admittance to the women's shower room. Police reports have it that Freckle entered the building at 7:15 p. m. through a side entrance, and was discovered only after he had shot six rolls of Kodacolor film. Freckle will be appearing before a renowned judge in Racine on June 5. * * * This reporter has learned through VERY intimate relations with a certain Rat that the next men's basketball coach (if Bill Coalfield refuses to come to Parkside) will have the first name of Mike. I will learn the last name at my next interviews. Interuiew Godzilla and Gamera still battle it out by Dick Oberbruner Try as they may, Japan cannot get Godzilla, the prehistoric fire breathing lizard, and Gamera, the flying tortoise, to be friends. These two deadly giants have been using this island nation as their battleground for years. And Basketball budget increased by Karen Norweed Athletic Director Dwayne Whatthehell submitted the 1983 - 84 At hletic Budget to SUFAC last Wednesday. Although the new budget showed a marked increase in funds, the single major increase was for the basketball budget. The coaching position, which has now been vacated by Stephen Steves, will be filled by Bill Coalfield. The coach's salary will show a 110% increase from last year's salary with a sum of $75,000. Another new aspect of the budget will be that the players (for the first time) will be paid for their performances. They will be paid on a sliding scale for each game they play, they will start at $1,000 for the first win, graduating to $1,500 for the next win and receiving $500.00 in crements for each future victory. The players will also be penalized for losing games at $10,000 for the first game they lose, increasing by $5,000 per each game lost. Said Whatthehell, "We're hoping that this incentive program will improve Parkside's future basketball record. If this doesn't work, the basketball trainer, Hal Henderson has something else in store for those S.O.B.'s." As it stands now, there are many big names considering coming to Parkside next year. Obituary This week the Ranger staff is sad to announce the death of a fellow staffer, Karen Norweed. Karen, the former Sports Editor, was killed in a freak, tragic accident Wednesday when a large printing press crushed her. According to police reports, Karen was killed when a press "undamped" itself from the floor and "jumped" her. Karen has been the Sports Editor for the Ranger since the beginning of the fall semester, and she will be sorely missed by her fellow workers. One of her favorite sayings was, "I hate all sports." Funeral services will take place for the Smorlick High School graduate April 2, at the Swamp - Meridath Funeral Home at 2 p. m., open . visitation THE LATE, GREAT KAREN NORWEED Among them are Julius Erving, Meadowlark Lemon, Marcus Johnson, Kareem Abdul - Jabar and Fred Derf. Another substantial sum will be set aside for (in Whatthehell's terms) "Educational Assistance". Said Whatthehell, off the record, "We're going to buy those God - damned grades off of those S. O. B. professors or, if that doesn't work, I have confidential information that the local mafia (and you know who you are) will 'take care of it.' " Whatthehell further stated "if the Ranger prints one goddam word of this interview, you'll find your fricking printing press in a very uncomfortable spot." So, Ranger basketball fans, this season looks to be the most promising season in a long time. By the way, does anyone know where we can find another printing press? Register arms? by Emily Latellum What's all this fuss about arms registration? People all over the place are in a tizzy over whether or not they should have to register their arms. Well, I think it's silly. I've had my arms all my life, and nobody ever made me register them! If we let them make us register our arms, it won't be long before we'll have to register our legs. Next thing you know, they'll want a running inventory on the rest of our bodies! We have to nip this in the bud. Next time someone asks you if you've registered your arms, say "NO!" Tell them it's the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard! Tell them you have worn bare arms all your life. Tell them What? . . . Guns? ... oh . . . NEVER MIND! Tokyo, the capitol, always sustains the most damage. "I don't know why they use us hmm," snorts Mayor Fuji. "Every time the fight begins out in the hillsides. Then they gradually make way towards town, right uh huh." Tokyo has suffered uncalculable damage over the past 20 y ears. Fuji faults movie - makers for "egging on" the two behemoths for the sake of box office draw. "They've gone Hollywood," he lip - syncs. "Godzilla once dem and ed per s o n a liz ed sunglasses and we had to make some for him that's right." Godzilla claims Japan to be his turf. "I've been around a lot longer than he has" (referring to Gamera). This is true. His movie career spans the Japanese monster era. Godzilla was there from day one. The challenger, Gamera, came from outer space in search of another planet. "Yeah — I was looking for something closer to the sun. You know, the warmth and all. Earth is really fertile, and I like the Japan area. It has good climate and I especially like running through the rice fields and squishing the paddies between the webbing in my toes." Though quite concerned about the damage inflicted upon his city, Mayor Fuji is grateful to local architects and construction companies for their fine job of replanning. "We've been able to rebuild at an amazingly fast rate uh, thanks to complete cooperation from people of Tokyo." Asked about the troubles between he and Godzilla, Gamera responded: "He's ignorant. When I first came here I was looking for a place to stay. And, like I said, I enjoy this area very much. But the public thought I was attacking, what with the flames shooting out from my shell. But hey, that's just me. I have to get around. And they want protection, so they got that goon and it's been war ever since." War indeed. Each time his scales are ruffled, Godzilla uncontrollably shoots fire from his mouth, burning a city block or two. "I'll have to watch myself on that. But this feud has been going on for years. I get anxious whenever I hear he's (Gamera) around. I seem to kill him off but he always comes back." The two can usually be seen battling it out on Saturday afternoons. Check your local TV listings. Sneaky Previews reviews "Big Green Thing" by Gene Shiksa and Roger Prevert Gene: Hi, I'm Gene Shiksa. Roger: And I'm Roger Prevert. On today's edition of Sneaky Previews we will devote our entire time to one movie, the new block - buster film, co-directed by Steven Spielberg, Ingmar Bergman, and Orson Welles, "Really Big Green Things That Eat People." Gene: Let's look at a clip of that movie right now. INSERT FILM CLIP Gene: Wasn't that marvelous? I think this is one of the best movies made in the last fifty years. Those big green things really are scary. The special effects are spectacular. The acting is uniformly excellent, especially from Shelly Winters as the unwed teenage mother. I recommend this movie highly. Roger? Roger: Are you nuts? This film is abysmal. The directing sucks, and the green things are terrible. You know Gene, you have no taste whatsoever, you balding geek! Gene: Is that so, fatso? You want to talk taste. You don't know what the word means. After all, you wrote the screenplay for 'The Valley Beneath The Cave Of The Ultrasluts' didn't you? Roger: That movie was art, you bozo. Gene: Art my Aunt Fanny. That movie belongs with our dogs of the week, speaking of which, here comes Spot the Wonder Dog. Spot: Woof! Roger: Get that damn dog away from me. Last week he peed on my leg. Gene: Just shut up you slob. Roger: I will not you freak. Gene: What are you doing with that gun? Roger: I've had all I can take of you. Take that! Gene: Ha ha you missed. You can't even shoot straight you . . . Arg! You got me! Roger: That's all for this week. Goodnight. Gene: Moan . . . thud. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Bombed in Union Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Stranger, Vol. 2 cubic feet No. 1, April 1, 1982 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Student publications Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1982-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Text satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/bf9b24229038acca94c60a42b8cf8b9e.pdf 5730ace875fcb01debee3abf1db1e3f4 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Issue Volume 3, issue 3 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. GOP Adopts New Logo- Hammer, Sickle Text Any textual data included in the document Written & Created by the Satirical GOP Adopts New Logo- Hammer, Sickle port vo UE O~ • The S a e Bashes ibera s, Too ~JngtllJt, lX- I'rl!~ido!nI Bllih tnlflm'iXoo his montlliy budSl!1 ~ 1_ "wlt..and roodc II$U1pI'i:ic annou~l1t that it ....as lime ror Ilis j:Ufl.y - tile ReilUllikllll Party - to cboo~ its image. Saying Ihal Republk-. (l"wy\\hcte wt:!f(j tired or ming a~%:lCiaied "",iln t1le ""llard14Wkill~ }"el unllctl.islllc COOl)'"'cl£pbUlll and that it was tinte to gt,1 II bl.1tl!l'im."SL 1haI1t"''Ul't.I£I)' repr($OOltlJ the perty' s ~tt.nlrllilllle!lt to the l!.H'ffij,<£~' .. President Bush then ~ his ~ch to unnil the new I«!pubtlQin flI«t), symbcll - a hamml!l' and .i"lde Mabloobact~unO. Bush ~d UlaI Inis new l»1Ilbcl1 will briog unity to the RL~ialO PlIny IiI;(, M\'er berM!. He l!J(pI'\!SSEd Itcjle l!tal the symbcll will be a mlly;n; point fOf' farmers filld wnrl..1!rs- ~ups thai tradiIiQfltilly~olt! ~iC30 • to unite to <:reate a IllIIWO or r:;ifllt$.md <!quality, In l'esplJo;;e to objccllolls Ihut IhC5iC symhob lOi:ght be 'lInliqlltllt."''', Bush ~ that they are "tried anO troo symbclls or wlllting flI!Ilple everywbew, 'I'VeoooolJfll,gC you to sWp minI! slu"csto,lthetl<. and to thlllWtlrr the shookli!. or the ul1tllSlcmploy'i1f .. Later in hi. budl:Ct .~ Bu'h w'C3loo hi ambilloo$~, t\1lich in 11U;,d: Tn, CUlli ror the commcn mao. mae welrare ror eH'f}onc, and bi.>plans Ie cootrol America's sltllloating i100llOm) by !lalti~ all inl'L1tion and ha\iOillhc " H:mlllellt ltlkinll OH::t lag<Jatd bllSin~s. ':lIN a lillie pusb. io bell' them alOll.g;thailiOft or thin;;." lit added. II worked ror the JlOSllll sl!f\i~ and U'"in '~slt.'lll" and \',111also work when :tppli cd to t'Ch'liI lotOl'eS. I'm JI111l>floping telh America' abw.od \\ If_ ;.,,,tem by handing 001 fl'!:l' Of sl>oe->iB';1ead or mooe}':" Ki!1l()s!ld, M -In 3pres; cOl1~ 1'C1ICt.MitT toda}. n·mb£r.> or The Stlte do! .ctcd llCClI>Jti UUt IhIly only ba>lI OfISt.'f\'lti"t;~~ Sit in the mticle adJ3~nt 10 tIu one, .lPn Slchl~ or The Stall! <Wd, ',\I doo't" t 10 gil'c IlK' imprcs>loo tlUl!"'\lc're biased, so _,btl\\ 3bout., b. \l,tmt's IlIedl!~ \lith tltal lihl!fal l'llIrixlse? I mean, the} un. do10\ L their trees ood 1llcirback}' . " Jon't the)''!'" the oollol'>3id m as~UC Hlice. ':\11\ ra utthew'ri,,'Nuploodfilf clIl,' but no oil iso't ~n~ 10make them 1lI1cllllllj' ter•.tm !right? Ilow W.IS tltatr' . Writer ",n J.lurpll). ,iltin~ to the ~.deol 'tdtlik, cblmcJ III "That ....a' JlI1!IlY ¥«d l:lId • rUTph)', "Btll don 'I (Ol'},,,t the} eal tdu anJ SO}, " . ..00 man, v.1I..!'- with pcoyWils? 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Ihld.d~·.waxed Il'IOLlStadlc .md j;llll1ly 1xl\\lu cap~.~'P.'lcltI::ln,gcalaWMlplillu,l)' clll:\\_od up b) l\!cFrecly s yootllrul exploit>., the kind >i:rhad a mind In.HX1rCTRtefie.rcel)'durill¥ the incidt:nL '13y Clod' \\'oonds, McFrcel}, You \\.\11f\'C1)tlur comcupp ..moc' The State Feeling Obsequious Today Donald Duck Bannned """ From NFL, Absence Of Pants Cited Fox Copyrights Reality The State Searches For Meaning Of 'Obsequious' e:tu.!l .....~¢:ut_l,tt ~,~ OR h~ \will 10>'lilt.f~ ~...,. .....~"~-.r."''''1III '''''-''' ~<-~ )loot ~ _ 1Ilftltlllll'" "tMU*' tIi"fil"~'..,~ .._.<~ lW,*'''l!!!> lllii., ~Sl$~(( llI!ll!ld «'IISldtt - .>It. ~liail3 .. mal Whit<; "\'Ie ~l",~. g/1d ~1i,1ri« p1ll\1l) h&l€i 1'*'1 CORREerlONS I'" iutrr .. 1'11< ~ ",,_Inw mdMfIIJ~,' mr f<9#!d liJ.<i(f_l!!!>~ik.'1 N~ .. ~ fell \llll' lite \(>w. ~...c.\l"n ~"'l>1>j1 ",I the llI!ll l_ l<'llS U em» IIIfa.;". M ..". ~ 11) b<t ~ i,,~1} lOll .- l:<!eIlO\ltKn' "f "Mio.,,' III". fit O~~ A"'MlN"- ~ "h'll& ~ #1'iIl!~II"Ij)t'_"'~ President Bush's Feeding Tube Removed l\b:dltnglon, DC - Arter ween of _ nons~ polilimli~n~lIli!1js_~1tSfiMlIYlS.'itlld Ulis flEtSl. Friday. PrelidClm Busfl' 5 feeding Woo was mlasl l'll1l'lOVed. D!!mOCfl1lJl lIrged the OOlOOt'a! sa)i~ tltat if the j1(esiOOIlI u'llSO'1 going to _ any dt!t:lent I1l1i1iootilpolicy tltJIN, ldrllSdy lOOI1th. illlQ bis ~ U!ln1.lhm the clIMces _ lim dlat be ever tt'Oldd. REpubJiOlllls in IIli!1 MollS/! tmll $_ f<lUshl f{lf IllJllm Ii) Im1:p the Pmridenl' $ feedilt$ tube in. Senate MlijOOt)! L«'idef Bill Frist said, "Li&l£o.the President bas a Ill! of lime left. He tlOOld wme up witll SOOll1IlIinlj.., 0libt?- I:li.ml«:I1'ltS _ impled by IIli!1 ram vicli)ty. bul stnl«l dlat them WllS still a lot Ii) aeoomplisIL Tile Ile&t tlJin,g. lJley said in \I. pr;:lSS rolCll.&~ _ tn move pt1<St lilis isslIIlllnl! OOIlIinue wi lh<ltlleI: lllllllill11. f_L_E_TT_·. 'E_R_' T_·O_TH_' E_.. _ED_I_T_O_R_I 11Wcukl\1\ 11\'$$ OUltag«! wili~ f~ll$ the latest il>S~ Qnlle RMg<;c INl<1\, JU<11ll'1 fulisllCd skimmil18 (JVer Ole SjlQrts s«tion. the OlItIlwliall 'li~1!ltentilkd roo SUIte ~ me in~ f~. 1 oould t\(l( ~n lilt . IOflliall:'4[edi~8 tllat ~ (It't.!' me. I ~ bclieve r W3ll $I,lbjecied t(; ihi l}'jle of Jl!~ll$ publillllUOO, Absurd ttoo4lioos tiM ~!lsical lflide$ me ~ State a \~ 0( #Xlpel' ood in};, TIw edilOl* of tltls II:~~ IXlUIIinot JltI). I""uple el\()I,Igll ~y to ~ such foolish ~lIq~ However.\\'OI\lsCiIllIlO(~n tl>ellpallin IIli!1imnl~ laugllt¢c 1 nllCllet\OOllll~ reMi~ll:~uttides, Ijust wish J \VOIlIdll&ve~d ~illl> IIeCUl)Ij OOMer, This litUff is ft,lCkln{l hil;l(i~ Best reOO ever, !Ini&hlfIXWlWdly YQ\l~. rOlln~wlll'lfiiil!f\ll N:Ilder 12:01 12:U 12:11 12:11 12:14 12:1$ 12:la 12:19 12::0 12:U 12:11 I2:U 12:lt 12:.\0 12:32 12:~ 12"1 12:U I~Q :<:'t 1:51 ,,-,':52 ~~ i:ilI) TIIank )Iou for brI8Jlng tlt15 dJsa.stllr Co _ attllnttOll. 'The Sfllte I$; to appea.r at lIle Tery earl ofThe, biller News, not anw (he!Ilmrl!!l!ilIrtIo1l. If we W01IldTlIil1t ImoII\lI till$; earlll!l!' aproflsf _lit ha",e been orpnlled. The Rallll!l!' wID be lItel1ed lm:Imdialley of lhetr mlstlOO!. As II rewlll'd fill' your oIlserm1lct! '1ft art< SIllldlll')lou two _poos f!li'1Wf1lft adml!islOn ttl Sweet Joe's tHOIll'SllCarI. S_t JOI/l's Is Ihe only pIace)'oo _ sUI view wild fOIllltrs alld klmllJ'!l>EIljoyt SympfwnU'~1(l1t.l'rJrl Kill by ~~ om",." aWi~lIj; portllllllOOS \I.~ ~!; (my OO\I!) $I."'" fans llpoll me \lll$Ullllt ~ooy ~jtC1tiSS lbe plllitls ~ a '\'~ i!pellkl>: my OOIflU!<meill !t~ of OO\llelbillg OlhN llMlthe lJlillS dial WlIS(OOI} mcllillU(l<Ii! mendiC\\1l1 FALL ~.'tral iIp'lWlt IHEIIAIE <!. ; ~m.e* _Mlil> ~ J\!f~ I'ilhvw. _SIIlllil> :l>IIld}1\ 11I11tCf' ~ ~~ ~""""'b ~~ $'I<~IJ«fdn.Joor Surali I.POETilv CORNER I MMttOll$. food of die gods sm~b<mlet CllI1lIIy dclt glib In thiS v.nrld of ;:uhnary daJl:ne6s j'lU _ my 11;"ooul ..mmnllbglll ucculmt Mel1tloaf IIlIlt.c: )'W 001 ot the {woo widl a vclvet ~IQ\'C: PIpiIll! hot yw penctrll(C my \'IrpD 1.a5te: t:ut:. "lilt )'QurmcatIMlIO\ e J f • Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The State, Volume 3, issue 3, April 1, 2005 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 2005-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Newspaper Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers satire