392 10 4375 https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/75cb65bf93196f2e7a400df1458806c3.pdf 29cdc6b9622d7f519039f5b40da536c0 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Indoor smoking rooms available for Fall '03 Issue Volume 33, issue 11 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document 1 TheIssue IIVol. 33The University of Wisconsin-DarksiJe's StuJent NewspaperHenry GaskinsReporterStudent health atuw-Parkside will never be the sameafter the Student Quality of LifeCouncil (SQLC) announcedMarch 19,2003,the creation ofindoor smoking rooms, whichwill be ready at the beginningof the Fall semester,2003.The rooms will be well ven-tilated, according to SQLC,sothat non-smokers won't have toworry about second-handsmoke.More than' 12 smoking• rooms will be located through-out campus, in places like theWomyn's Center and the Den.There will also be three smok-ing rooms in the SportsActivityCenter.SQLC spokesperson AllieSealssaid that the rooms werecreated because many studentsIndoor smoking rooms available for Fall '03-:Cops on bikesAmber SmithEditor-In-ChiefDue to budget cuts at thestate level UW-Parkside's policesquad has been forced out oftheir squad cars and onto bicy-cles.Campus residents fear thatthe level of protection offeredon university grounds willdecrease significantly.Annabelle Johnson a straightedge student of UWP was con-cerned about the time it wouldtake police to reach the univer-sity apartments and break upparties." When I call to tell thecops about a party I expect thatthey are going to get there fastenough that party goers will notbe able to dispose of their alco-hol. On bikes it's going to takethem twice as long. That's a lotof time for students to slamtheir beer bongs and get rid ofApril 1-17,2003smoke, and a lot of them com-plain about the coldness of win-tertime.The cost of each smokingroom is $2000, and $750 permonth to upkeep them. Fundscome out of every student's seg-regated fees,and it is a primaryreason why tuition prices arebeing increased by more than15percent.the evidence."Dexter Yarbrough, Directorof University Police·and Safety,stated that"Yes,it might take usa few more minutes to respondto calls but this campus issmall in size and I am confi-dent that my staff will be ableto arrive at any scene in an'appropriate time frame, for abicyclist that is."UWP police officersseem to haveother concerns inmind including rainy days andwinter snow. Officer PonchoSmith said, "Wisconsin isplagued with deep snow andheavy spring rainsdbthey real-ly expect us to be peddlingaround when the ground is icecovered? I think that the policedepartment will lose a goodportion of its respect if weshow up at incidents soppingwet with our hair stuck to ourfaces."Yarbrough stated," We areappealing the budget cut.While I don't believe that ourcampus will suffer too much Ifeel it would be an unfair bur-den to our officers to exert somuch energy atwork."The outcome of the appealshould be public knowledge byJuly 27,2003. Campus TremorsKimberlee MyerReporterUW-P~rksideGeology professors haverecently reported thatthe tremors felt on cam-pus are due to a 50-pound goose. At anunusually large size, thegoose has been causingquite a stir in conversa-tion among studentsand faculty. Some saythey would like thegoose for Easter dinner-Home Economics stu-dents would like to pre-pare it for the hungry. One stu-dent stated "Boy, that goosecould feed a lot of people ...itmay be causing a lot of prob-lems now but in the end itcould feed a lot of hungrypeo-ple" But to catch a bird thatadds so much character to ourcampus would be detrimentaltoMI".Big"caught on camerato our image.The goose, howev-er, is highly temperamental; ithas been spotted wanderingthe campus grounds, hissing atthose passing by.Its short tem-per could possibly be related tothe large nest it built near hole17of the disk golf course.Unfortunately, the' gooseJoin The Ranger NewsErica GavinsEveryone is wanted, welcome and needed.Stop by The Ranger News office wyllie D139-Cor call 595-2287Jason PinkowskiDanielle SmirhKatie PruessingRangerHallTodd DrangstveitRoxanne MendezAndrea RenwickVikrampal SidhuRedelia SouterEvander Wilson11Open PositionsBeware ofMr. Bigdubbed as"Mr.Big"chaseddown one player" and atehis disc golf disc. Jon Doewas quoted as saying,"Dude, that disk cost me$8.00...there is no way Iam trying to get it back!"Furthermore, local author-ities have informed usthat several small dogs havebeen reported missing in thepast few weeks. "Mr.Big"mayhave accomplices who mightbe on a canine binge. Theauthorities further adviseAnyone can join at any timeeveryone to be aware of thisL--=-'--=--'goose and "steer clear of itspath:'Assistant EditorPage EditorsReportersSports WritersCartoonistsOpinion WritersDistriblltionlIMm~oYewcf~~fo~2003-2004·~ e>?nWa:l.1adoufi~2003-2004ConnieChiavercttiJessica Dial.YocelineEspinoza de VargasAndrea HigginsKayya ProkopSkyla RoperBrook StricklandFahimZiyad.9~.9TeabkCduadoufi~2003-2004· Katie Pruessing(Co-capr.)Bridgette Dei(Co-capt.) .Nina BrownBrook StricklandJessicaDuBoisRebecca WanagasStormie MitchellLena WilliamsConnieChiaverotti· Andrea RenwickAndrea HigginsJason WatersKayya ProkopChristine FerrerMyronUbI'Donna Minkley*Chamika Ellis. TarahTumerBrandon Hutchins, "ReturningOrientation leadersSponsoredbyStudent Life.9kJUkme>?dvuoufi~2003-2004Universiry ApartmentsJessica DiazDannie MooreMerranda HoustonKevin PowellBrandon hutchinsAmanda MorrisGustavo SalazarjeanniSimpsonJulian ThomasDeAira KennemerNicole PowersChris SemenasMichelle SimsMyronUbI!7kJUkm.9T~~ubnaroufi~2003-04Universiry Apartments:Andrea HigginsRangerHall:Alicia PiotrowskiRHAC:Denise Bonnett•. - This advertisement is not paid for with state appropriated fimds. g~~~esiege calm campus of UW.pflew from building top to build-ing top. Many others wereforced to walk on the grass toprevent the malicious hissing.A professor that asked toremain anonymous was morerecently forced to walkthrough the mud. Prof. JimmyMackleRoy said:"l had no otherchoice! They surrounded meand no matter how much Icried, they kept pushing meinto the mud! My wife's goingtokillme!"The decision to find outwhat was really happeningoccurred just before school letout. In his undergroundbunker, Chancellor Keatingbriefed his most trustworthyspy. Everyone thought thatStephanie Sirovatka-Marshallwas going on maternity leave.But this super woman that con-trols Student Life, StudentActivities, SOC and knows allthe budgets on campus is actu-ally Parkside's dark-sided spy.When she was asked howshe was able to infiltrate this~rterThe geese are readyingthemselves for attack. It mayseem absurd but there hasbeen too many "accidents" forChancellor Keating to ignore.April15 2002,was the firsttime knowledge came in aboutthe geese and their motives.Four students went for a strollthrough the woods. Only oneescaped to tell her horrificstory. KC Touse stated, "Theycame out of no where. Weheard them far off, but nothingcould have prepared us for theattack."KChad fallen behind to tieher shoe. When she looked upher friends lay in pieces as tengeese swarmed them. Luckyfor her, she was able to hide.But unluckily, she is foreverplagued by the gruesomeattack she was forced to watchin silence.Through out the year, attackscontinued. Several studentsfound themselves beingwatched by the geese as theyhostile regime, she hissed andstarted jabbing at me with hernose. Despite the tact that shehas retained some of the char-acteristics of this dominatingmilitia,she was able to stop theSBA(Spring Break Assault), butin the process blow her cover.She is currently ordered tokeep herself immersed insidethe campus walls.A recent video was sent toThe Stranger with OsmammaGoossein, the leader of thegeese. Inthe video he asked foronly one thing,"Wewill stop atnothing until we get yourschool's psychic, MadameEsmeCerridgynereDragonfhenersige. Her abilitieswill be ours."The Ranger,the sister news-paper to our The Stranger, hasrefused to give her up stating,"She is not even accurate! Thismust be some sort of trick toenter the campus and herunderground bunker, Which sohappens to be attached to theChancellor's:'Students are asked to videoi""7~~:l.lNatlon,,1Sturtr-ntCln'(llt<jn /l.g1n~!':'::~;" Hunger and HomelessnessThe19thannualHunger Cleanup!(Parkside's5'"Annual)Saturday April 5thtape/tape record any hissing,quacking, flapping or strategicplacing of the geese in orderfor the German, French,Russian,Spanish,and other var-ious international clubs todecode the messages. Thegeese are planting bombs thatcover the campus sidewalks,but the ground crews will bemaking their rounds to disarmthem with their newly pur-chased Super-Soakerhoses.'!'he Universityof WisconsinParksidecampus ison high alert.Thestudents,facultyand staffareasked to stay indoors despite thespring weather. Exitat your ownrisk. There is a scholarshipaward for anyone that is able tocatch, alive or dead, the50pound goose that is most surelythe geese's secret weapon.lassified FormRanger NewsName:...,....- _($O.25/wordfor students)Phone:_Tlle Annual Hunger Oeanup Is a national,one-daycommunity service work-a-thonlnw~ichstudentvolunteers raise money while wot1o::lngwith programs for the hungry and homeless. Similar to a walk-a-thoo the Oeanup mobHlzes thousands of students across the country who gather hourly pledgesITom~mllYand friendsfortheir volunteer work in local shelters and soup kitchens.Email:,__ ~_The funds you collect support:_(500/0)LocalAgencies andorcs.You choose the local organlzatlon(s)_(35%) National Student Campaign AgaInst Hunger and Homelessness._(15%). International Projects.SChedule:7:30M9:00 Meet at union Square(Check In,sireassignments, Breakfast)9:00 am Kick off(team photos, depart for worksltes)10:00 am-1:00 pm(Active at worksites)1:00 pm return to Campus for LunchAdas you would like to see it:IntereHed. sjgn up oraetmoreInfo.Bycontacting:. CttalTania Molina 595*3188 (latinagirI7702@yahoQ,com)Recruiting Committeeatr -OrrdltCasey Jones 595*2011 (casey.jQnes@uwp.edu)Volunteer Coonaor -OrStop by our table on the Union Brldgel~~~i?E,~{This form can be dropped at The Ranger News located inlower Wyllie Hall D 139C across form the Bookstore andCareer Center.For more information, call (262) 595-2287Payment must be made in full when ad is dropped off. ----_ .......-....=..-:;;-;;-=--..-;;;;;;;.- ...........========= ...._;;;;;;....-=-~~-----------.--The Ranger NewsPage 8,April1-17,2003...Ice tocool, thestage at UW-ParksideDisclaimerAmberSmythEditor in ChefAll items foundin the Strangerare fictionalexcept for theadvertisements.The advertiserswould like youto know the adsare for real.Have a goodday!would also be encouraged toattend. PAB feels it might beadvisable to refrain frombring-ing small children as,"we're notquite sure how racy the showwill become." .PAB usually offers freeactivities to he students butsince this is such a big namecelebrity they are going to berequired to charge a small feeof $8 per person. "We wouldlike to let the graduates attendfree, but again this is not goingto be possible so their fee willbe reduced to $4.11'11be totallyworth the price of admission.Morgan suggests buyingyour ticket early as the show isexpected sell out quickly.Hope to see everyone theirit will be an "ice, ice" time,The university of WisconsinParkside is happy to announce .a one time show featuringfamed 1990'srapper Vanilla ice.Sabrina Morgan, Presidentof the Parkside ActivitiesBoard(PAB) stated, "We havehad so many students inquire ifit would be possible to get therapper to perform at UWPManysaid that he is still their all timefavoritemusician,thoughmany are ashamed to admit it.The show will be held in theunion cinema on May 18,2003.Morgan said PAB felt thiswould be a great day to invitethe musicianasstudents grad-uating that day would be ableto go directly from commence-ment to the cinema."Itwouldbe a great way to celebrate theachievements of the gradu-ates." Families of the graduatesVanilla IceSlice ofLASlI'IA.-ehl ...._...........~..Series.College and Life can beachallenge-letusprepare you for both.Navigating the Place Settingand Other Dining Etiquette:A Hands on ExperienceNeed a JobforFall?Check out the employment opportunities in:Residence LifeStudent CenterStudent ActivitesWednesday, April 2ndUnion 207, 4pmPosition descriptions and on-line applications now available at:hnp://www.uwp.edu/admin/union/employment/employment.htmlThis session will teach you the do's and don'ts of properetiquette. You will learn table manners, which areessential in the dining culture. This section will help youmake great impressions On professional or social lunchdates. Come learn the secret rules of the dining world.I·APPLY TODAY!SponsoredbyStudenr LifeSponsoredbyStudent ActivitiesTheUnivenityofWisconsin- Parbide provides services for patrons with special1M!f!ds.Please contact the Parkside Student Center for assistance, (262) 595.2345.This advertisement was not paid for with state appropriated funds. MORE INFORMATION DownloadundefinedFull Screen Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Stranger News, Volume 33, issue 11, April 1, 2003 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 2003-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Newspaper Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPAC124_20030401_stranger.pdf Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/d2b06043c7ce810c167367ea41a10321.pdf e7ef5218796a6305c02bc7232ee70f7c Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Text Any textual data included in the document > by Marcia Clark Moonlighting from the OJ trial Not affiliated with the Stranger staff By Nick Zahn john Stockwell chancellor of Spartanburg College, South Carolina and formerly provost/vice-chancellor and interim chancellor of The University of Wisconsin-Parkside, returned to UW-P Tuesday and to everyone's surprise demanded his favorite chair which at the time was in Chancellor Smith's office. "1saw him just go in there," said a source. Be started to pick it up (the chair) but when someone objected he just sat down in it and wouldn't get up. Smith was attending a meeting off- As an effort in increasing effective communications, Chancellor Eleanor Smith decided to declare Saturday, April I, "Totally Honest Day." Everyone, regardless of belief system, was asked to answer any question put to them with anything that comes into their minds. Chancellor Smith offered some examples. One of the Ranger staffers asked her, "How do you like being Parkside's Chancellor?" Rather than giving an equivocal answer, she decided to be completely candid and honest, saying, "You know, J really like Parkside, but I'd rather be in New York. You know, the lights, the cameras, the action!!! Fresh air, Times Square! Besides, I really can't find decent restaurants in Kenosha ...they just don't have campus at the time and has dec Ii ned to comment on the incident. He sat in the chair for about ten minutes. A mysterious phone call that lasted about five minutes resulted in Stockwell's leaving. "It's orange and cushy," Stockwell said later. "They don't have chairs like these in South Carolina. In fact I've never seen others like the one's in the Parkside Chancellor's area." "And they asked me if 1 had any experience," said Eleanor Smith, referring to her interview for the position of Chancellor of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside. "'I'm experienced alright,' I told them," said Smith referring to her time spent with Jimi Hendrix, at the time an unknown musician recording with Chas Chandler of The Animals in England. "It was mid- October of '67 that 1 went to England," said Smith. "I was trying to find myself. Anyway, I looked up an old Army buddy of my nephew's. This guy, Jimi, had been ~ in the Anny with my nephew only about a year when he was honorably discharged due to a parachute accident. We became friends. Who was to know that he would become a rock legend." g I even sang background vocals with a 'few other girls on Hey Joe. 'I'hat December Jimi and his group The Jim! Hendrix Ex.perience topped the charts with that tune. That was the extent of my musical involvement. Smith admits that she has plenty of stories about the days spent with Jimi and the band as they broke new ground, "but suffice it to say that harmless though they might be, that's not an image the . Chancellor of a university should provide," said Smith. decent Thai or Vietnamese food here!" When asked if her parents approved of her job, Chancellor Smith said, "Get real' J don't make enough money to support them in the style that they are accustomed to, and besides, I am not MIchael Jordan. The only tickets I can get them (to sporting events) are for Ranger stuff, not for the Bulls. so I'm up the creek! They are really big Bulls fans!" When asked about her policy on motorcycles, Chancellor Smith said, "I like them. but they don't like me. There are too many ways to get in accidents. Maybe I'll take up skydiving or bungee jumping, instead of being a pedestrian. There are less ways to get into trouble." When asked how she enjoys giving interviews, Chancellor Smith said, "They suck! Now go away! You've bothered me long enough!" Stranger News UW-P Police reform death penalty. "This has been something we have been advocating for quite some time now, and Governor Tommy Thompson has finally cleared away the red tape to bring this idea to its fruition," The UW-P Chief of Police said in his statement. "By 1996. all campus police officers with have the authority to shoot motorists immediately after they have been clocked by radar. thereby eliminating the actual issuance of citations and eliminating a lot of work for the county's court system. Traffic court wastes everybody's time. and the offender can't win anyway. This Hendrickson Finds Job as Soap Writer by Noah Dea By Mike Zurad AKA Nigle Thfnal In an effort to simultaneously increase student awareness and preserve law and order, University of Wisconsin-Parkside Campus Police will release their five-year plan on Saturday, April 1. Promising sweeping reforms and increased efficiency in the field of law enforcement, the plan is also quite controversial. Noting that the largest problem on campus is speeding motorists on Parkside's adjacent roads, campus police has decreed that moving violations are now eligible for the UW-Parkside super-senior Jim Hendrickson received the chance of a lifetime last Sunday. To leave this God-forsaken place and move to New York to become a soap opera writer. "It's my dream come true," said Hendrickson. ''When 1heard that One Life to Live wanted me to help develop Viki's alternate personalities, I was in seventh heaven." Hendrickson did not apply for the job. Soap guru Agnes Nixon, creator of One Life to Live, ALl My Children, etc.•reportedly called Hendrickson at home on the evening of March 26. Nixon, a distant cousin of the late President of the same name, apparently read about him in the Ranger News. "Agnes was much impressed with the depth of his understanding of the soap opera mentality," said Ima Fick-Tishus, Nixon's PR Assistant. "Unusual in a man. especially in one so young. He will be a great addition to our staff." "I was shocked, shocked Itell you," said Hendrickson. "I didn't even know she [Ms. Nixon] had a subscription [to the Ranger]." keeps everything clean, and enables our officers to actually use the firepower with which they've been endowed," the statement read, adding that "our officers are really excited about this proposal." In addition to playing judge, jury, and executioner, campus police will also undertake the role of investigators and detectives. Effective April I, 1997, campus police will have the responsibility of delivering all parking violations to the offenders personally. "Parking is an issue of great concern to Parkside students, and consequently we need to address this problem to better serve the "She knew my work backwards and forwards." he continued (though Itried to stop him). "She had noted my interest in Viki's MPD. and hinted that she might set me up with Laura Bonarrigo, who plays Cassie." Ranger staff members are glad for Jim's change-of-venue. "Now Ican have his desk," said Ranger Business Manager Erin Meranda. . "Cool! Now Ican be Managing Editor!" exclaimed Karen Diehl, ambitious News Editor. "Having my brother around was a drag," explained columnist Barb Churchill. Hendrickson's first day of work will be April 1, 1995. This means he will have to miss his classes for the rest of the year. Strangely, Hendrickson was unconcerned. "I'Il just turn in all the problems from my Calculus III book ahead of time," explained Hendrickson. "It can be done." Modesty may not be Hendrickson's forte, but we at The Stranger News are happy for his success. In the words of Hendrickson's exasperated father Roger, "I'm just happy he has ajob now." by A.I. I'm not on trial here UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN-PARKSI Parkside staff and students. It is for this reason that we propose to hand deliver all parking citations so that we can effectively communicate that Parkside police is a force to be reckoned with and feared. If we can't earn the respect of the Parkside community, then our only other option is to demand it," the statement read. Upon receipt of the parking ticket, the violator will be shot in either the arm or the leg, unless the transaction takes place in the pool area. "Flesh wounds have proven to be very effective in preventing repeat offenses in Eastern Europe as well as South She has fought her way back from lost love and drug addiction. In the process she has continued to fascinate children and generate fortunes for dentists. I am referring to, of course, Aunt Jemima. Last summer. she checked into the Betty Rubble Clinic for treatment. Only a few close friends knew she was trying to get off amphetamines. "Juan V. started her on them," said one Stranger insider. "After Ben left her [to open his Country Inn] she was devastated. She found that she needed a little pick-me-up. That nasty drug dealer was more than Secret Life of Breakfast Favorites happy to give it to her." Jemima's early life of domestic service is well known, -as is her courtship and marriage to Ben. What is not well known is the sense of betrayal she felt when be left her last April. "She made him what he was," said the insider. "Without her, he would have been Loner Ben instead of Uncle Ben, And who would want to buy Loner Ben's long-grained rice?" Mrs. Butterworth has jumped to Ben's defense. "It's not Ben's fault Jemima is so unbalanced," said Mrs. B. "Ben is youthful, down-to-earth, practical. Why, even without her, he's still richtasting." Jemima claims that Mrs. Butterworth is only defending Ben because she has a crush on UW-Parksidelncident Report by Tart's Inc (afraid to be affiliated with the Stranger News) UFO Sightings (University Freakin' Occurrences) during Spring Break **A certain Psychology Professor was spotted slinging beers at a local tavern while performing to the Village People's "YMCA" wearing a grass skirt and a tiara. **Library staff members have been seen repairing the xerox machines for their own private use. **The elevator repairman for the Molinaro Hall elevator has been seen in the building ...rumor has it that a flat tire is what detained him for the past six months, tools in hand. **Parkside has decided to incorporate a valet parking system ...it will go into effect April 1st. ** Due to a budget cut, the faculty will park students cars during regular scheduled office hours. **The Tallent Hall Shuttle bus will be serving cocktails during peak run times-students must present their ID to receive a "Happy hour" discount. **For the next six months, Parkside Food Service will be serving dehydrated astronaut food to help relieve NASA's overstock due to infrequent launches ...in return, the next shuttle will be painted green. **Rats have been seen picketing outside of the cafeteria with "Will NOT work for food" signs ...union talks are pending. **Theater students sighted in NY replacing the entire cast of the longrunning production CATS ...the theater department is now taking applications for theater majors. '*They will be adding a 4 year cosmetology study to the curriculum. **10 a disillusioned state, a Parkside police officer was sighted over the break. writing numerous parking tickets to empty spaces. The said officer refused to believe that school was out OD break, and was heard laughing hysterically .......'1 will not be' ignored!' **Parkside nursing students will be required to take the aerobic dance class and a minor in cosmetology in order to keep their patients happy. **The Sociology Department will be doing a field study in Hades during the summer of ~97 in order to determine the distinction between Hell and Parkside. **Bookstore employees have been spotted highlighting the new books. **Prozac samples will be handed out by Student Health Services on April lst. and Central America, and it is our goal to match or exceed that level of efficiency achieved by other local governments in those regions of the world." Paying for this increased lever of service translates into a 900% inc in the price of a Parkside parking permit, from about 90 dollars to a $820 for two semesters. "Admin there is a downside to executing the offender prior to the collection of t fine. The elimination of the paperwork and the overhead associated with it translates into a greater percentage of dollars spent actual crime-fighting activities." him. "Mavis [Butterworth] always did hit on my man. Saying how thick and rich she was. How she takes more . to pour than maple. She mov in on my man, and I blame he for our divorce." "No one ever understood m relationship with Juan," continued Jemima. "He was there for me when Ineeded With him I was able to eet a needed jolt. Now I see that w unhealthy, but Ithink the college crowd can understand my need for speed." Senor Valdez was unavailable for comment. Aunt Jemima's book, Stic Situations, goes on sale April at the Darkside Bookstore. Reverse your copy today! **The first official meeting of the Students for Ethical Treatment of Coffee Consumers (SETCC) will meet this afternoon. **The Pre-Moo program has been discontinued. ** Auditions for tbe musical rendirior of "Rain Man" will be held next wee in the auditorium. **Tbe chancellor will be refunding overcharged tuition fees. Please submit your requests at student records. RANGER 1Box 2000 • 900 Wood Road' Kenosha, WI 53141 Delivered Subscriptions Avaiiable 414-595-2287 FAX 414-595-2630 Grand Poobah Nick Zahn Managing Poobah " Jim Hendrickson Business Poobah Erin Meranda Production Poobah R. George Wiggins News Poobah Karen M. Diehl Sports Poobah Scott Fragale Assl. Sports Poobah AI Heppner Entertainment Poobah Chris Sandstrom Photo Poobah Michelle Gaal. Calendar Girt Tiana Williamson Copy Poobahs Tabitha Brown, Amy Fiebig .__ Jennifer Randle Poobah Columnists Barb Churchill .. : C.J. Nelson ......................................................... Maria Smith Secretary Karen "Pebbles" Fraley -page 3 .. Stranger News Apri/1, 1995 union cafeteria kills famous Parkside's drummer by Robby Thompson Lars Ulrich, of the band Metallica, was invited to Parkside to perform a drum clinic last Saturday night. After performing in from of an audience of about seven, Ulrich was seen walking into the Union Cafeteria for a late night supper. Eyewitness testimony suggests that after eating a bite of the Union Cafeteria's surprise casserole, Ulrich started convulsing and dropped to the floor. Emergency medical help responded minutes later only to find Ulrich dead. Medical reports suggest no foul play. just foul food. Not only is food poisoning responsible for Ulrich's death, but shock also played a part in his unusually quick death. Medical examiners noticed an unusual look on Ulrich's face. This led them to believe that Give it a chance Math is Bot! by Delight F. deSilveri-Moon Math 111 takes Parkside by storm! Math 111, CoUege Algebra I, is a recombination of material from botb Math 101 and Math 112. The new mixture of information will become volatile and spark interest in mathematics, a much-maligned subject. According to VIP's (those Very Involved at Parkside), the course will change many minds about career choices. Many will decide to go on in mathematics despite the possible negative consequences. "If everyone becomes a mathematician, there could be negative consequences," said Bill Clinton, who feels he is a VlP, though he has never visited the campus. "Who would want to run the country, the factories, the businesses, if they could do higher level mathematics instead?" Tons of people- just tons- will want to get in on the numbers game, say some self-proclaimed experts. "The flood of new Math Club members will elect its club president Karl Liebe Homecoming King in a landslide," said Madame Zelda, Gypsy Mascot (0 the Faculty. "I see great things ahead for him. His numbers are impressive!" However, some in the campus community have expressed their concern. Thompson's budget cuts might prevent the absorption of all these new math majors into the department. "Everyone should write to Tommy Thompson and share their concern for mathematics," said Barb Churchill, one opinionated liberal. "I mean, let's face it: It's students that pay the bills. If students just raise their voices, it would help." The Dew course is going to share one inexpensive textbook with the reformulated Math 112 (College Algebra II) and Math 113 (Trigonometry). In all likelihood, the book will become very popular, and the UW-Parkside Bookstore will need to hire extra help for the extra business. "Along with Aunt Jemima's autobiography and Newt Gingrich's fascinating book-of-quotes, we expect this book to be one of our best sellers!" gushed one bookstore bigwig. "I want to stress that Parkside will continue to offer 25 majors other than mathematics," said ChanceUor E. J. Smith. "The State says we have to." "On the whole, I think this change will be a positive one," continued Smith. "Math is coo1." the odor of the surprise casserole caused not only his face to crunch up, but caused Ulrich to go into shock and pass away minutes later. When questioned, cafeteria staff said that the surprise casserole was actually about lWQ weeks old and should have been disposed of days ago. However, since nobody on the staff is a big fan of Metallica, they said they will feel no remorse. When the head chef was questioned as 10 how he felt about Ulrich, the famous drummer's death, he said, "He wasn't all that good anyway." Satan discovered I living (or unliving) on Parkside's 0-2 level by Passionflower Lovechild Staff Writer and Self-Proclaimed Resident Babe "It was horrible. J heard this this 'clip-clop,' like hooves striking concrete, so Iturned around and there he was. Satan was standing right behind me in the hallway," said Karen Diehl, senior at Parkside and News Editor of The Ranger News. Diehl and two of her roommates, Laura Beth Bublitz and Melissa' Hackbarth, were returning from the Ranger office at about midnight on March 18. "wewere walking through the D-2 level_ because it was cold outside and didn't want' to walk alone in the dark," said Hackbarth. "If we had ani y known." The three had just entered Molinaro Hall when they heard the footsteps. Satan had apparently stepped out of a dark passage to' approach the group from behind. When the women noticed his presence, he reportedly flicked his pointy tail and set fire to a waste basket. "We always wondered why it's always so much warmer on the D-2 level than it is everywhere else in the school," Diehl said. "We thought it was because the hot water pipes run along the ceiling down there. Now we know the truth." According to the three roommates, Satan tried dragging them into his dark passage, but they escaped before he could reach them. Satan was reached at his DM2 level home, but originally refused an interview. However, on Marcb 23 he contacted The Stranger and gave a statement. "It's not like I Artist's rendering was hurting of Satan anyone. I just get lonely. You know, it's awfully dull down there at night" When questioned about why he had kept such a low profile until this week, Satan replied, "See, the administration knows I'm. here. Iwork for them. Part of my contract ensures me a place to live, but it wouldn't be really great for the University's image if everyone knew (hat the devil lived oncampus. Besides, there's a waiting list to get .into the dorms." Satan also explained what kind of work he does for the University. "Just odd jobs. You know, I keep things from getting dull. My last big job was Gary Grace hiding something supervising the repair of the Molinaro elevator. I've also been a key player in keeping the food ... well, interesting. My long-term project is. maintaining chaos in the parking lots. That's no easy task, [ assure you, what with all those police officers hanging around." Satan assured The Stranger that he would not be harassing any more students. • "I've gotta keep this job," he said. Administration was refused to comment. In particular, Gary Grace, assistant chancellor for student affairs at UW-P was seen running to the shredding machine when reporters called on him. Usually The Ranger News encourages and invites Letters to the Editor, whether they agree or disagree wit.b a story or column, Also readers' viewpoints on campus/community issues can be venWtedhenthromuagnhy sulecthterlsetteexrsp.ress similar viewpoints, a representative sample may be published. Letters should not exceed 250 words ~d should be deh.vered to the Ranger office (WYLL D139C) before noon on Monday. leiters must be typed and double-spaced. must contain no misleading or libelous content, and must Include the author's name and phone number. Letters which fail to comply will be returned to the author. The Ranger News reserves the right to edit letters, _ . . But since this is The Stranger and all material is men! to be The Stranger News is a once yearly, April I pUbl~calion ~resen~d by ~mberS of the Ranger News. Any and alllnfo~tlon presented in the Stranger News is meant completely in jeset.e..rbere is nute or no factual basis for aD.y of the stones pUblls~d In ~lS, Issue, .and any ~d all names and characters menll~ned. while they may be in many ways similar to real persons. are fictional, If you happen to be one or more of the characters contained within this Issue. we Sincerely hope that you regard this issue with the light-hearted manner in which it was created. Thank you, and enjoy. EDITORIAL POLICY .. page 4 Hasenjager set to join World Wrestling Federation partner for the upcoming WresUeMania XLIII Fonner UW-P wrestler an.dI caught his eye", Trevor Hasenjager said the former UW-P di hi If for lif d rea res rmse or be as stan out. Taylor and a WWF superstar. Hasenjager have been wrestling coach Jim working out together Koch said of the since the announcement Hasenjager departure, of their partnership was "Hey, if Lawrence first made official early Taylor called me up and last week. The unlikely asked me [0 wrestle with pair are scheduled to him against the likes of faceoff againstNick a Nick Bockwinkle, BockwinkJe and Bam Bam Bigelow or Milwaukee's own "the the legendary Crusher" in a tune-up "Crusher", I'd be there bout at Racine's in a second. This is Memorial Hall April once in a lifetime 15th before challenging oppnrtunity, he'd be for the Tag-team nuts not to do it." championship May 2nd. UW-Parkside UW-Parkside wrestler to join forces with Lawrence Taylor by Scott Fragale Fresh off his victory at the NAJA National Championshi ps last week, Trevor Hasenjager has opted to forgo his senior season at UW-Parkside for the pros. Hasenjager made the announcement immediately upon returning home from Nationals and receiving a call from former N.F.L. linebacking great Lawrence Taylor. «He said that he was our scouting for a Tag-team Wolff to pitch for replacement Brewers Wendy Wolff by Scott Fragale UW-Parkside women's softball player makes it to the show After an impressive start to the college softball season, UW-Parkside's Wendy Wolff has signed a minor-l~ague contract with the Milwaukee Brewers. Wolff. who jumped out of the blocks this season with a 10-0 reco-rd and a microscopic.79 era, signed a 3~year- $2.5 million contract with tbe Milwaukee club Wednesday. "I was upset when this whole strike thing first started, but that contract 1just signed made me forget how mad 1 was in a hurry. 1 don't know who is to blame for this strike, but I'd sure like to thank them for helping me become a millionaire. 1 talked to manager Phil Gamer yesterday and be told me I might even get to start on opening day, is this a great country or what," said the former UW-Parkside pitcher. .ports Jeopardy Students! Save 50°0 to -Do you earn less than 10,000a year? -Is you're GPA 2.0 or above? -Are you a full time student? (12 credits or more per semester) If you answered yes to these questions call Suzan Wright at 595-2277to see if you qualify for a tuition discount. Due to budget reductions only 20 will be awarded for the Fall '95 semester. 'That's it." said Pippen. "1 demand to be traded to the Washington Bullets, so 1 can play with Chris Webber." On the flip side, Ranger Walkers were thrilled. "Can I get his autograph?" asked Will (Worms) Leggett. "This is awesome," said Will VanAxen. "I guess basketball was just too easy for him." "He's so hot," said Sue Kisting as she fainted from the shocking news. "I've always wanted to be like Mike," said Dave Michielli, "Now, I get to train with him." The two-time ex-Bull has already purchased a team bus for the racewalking team, which has "Walk Jordan" painted on the side. In addition, Nike is planning a new line. of Jordan racewalking shoes. But just how good can the 32-year-old Jordan get? "The fact that he's 6'6'· will help," said De Witt. "It might take a little while for Michael to learn the technique, but once he does, look out." Will Jordan ever return for a third Stranger News Apri/1, 1995 What kind of Bull is this? time? "1 don't want to completely close that door, but it's almost shut," said Jordan. "There are no strikes in racewalking, so ('II really be able to focus." Jordan's first race will be at the Penn Relays on APril 29th. Nelson to settle baseball strike Army to find a resolution to the seven-month long strike. President Clinton answered questions concerning the Nelson appointment by saying, "He was the only other guy out there that 1 think can get this thing resolved. If he can't get it done, nobody can" . The president later added, "Plus, J'd really like him on my side in the upcoming election. He's a very influential person and his huge following cannot be taken lightly." Jordan quits basketball again for .....Racewalking by Al Heppner Air Jordan has been grounded. To the delight of Orlando Magic fans everywhere, Jordan announced yesterday that he is once again stepping of the court. This time, however, Jordan won't be swinging at baseballs, he'll be swaying around the track. But he'll have to keep his feet on the ground if he wants to be successful at racewalking, a sport in which one foot must maintain contact with the ground at all times. Jordan immediately puts the spotlight on a track-and-field event of which most people have never even heard. "I just wanted to try something new," said Jordan. "I know it takes time to become a good racewalker, but I'm willing to put in the work." He will train with Coach Mike De Witt and the rest of the UW-Parkside Racewalking Team. "This is the greatest thing to happen to the sport of racewalking," said De Witt. "We're thrilled that he's coming here." Bulls teammates were shocked. "I really thought he was back for good this time," said B.J. Armstrong. "This is really hard to take right (sob) now." Scottie Pippen was the most disgruntled Bull. Scott Fragale-Sports Editor I President Clinton appoints C.J. Nelson Ito mediate baseball negotiations UW-Parkside's own C.J. Nelson was chosen by President Clinton to take over the mediation duties formerly held by William Usury one week before the scheduled start of the baseball season. Nelson, the outspoken Ranger sports columnist, was weary of the appointment at first, but reluctantly accepted the job. "1 rarely take any stock in anything he (Clinton) has to say, but gosh darn it, I need my baseball". said Nelson. Nelson is expected to use the hardline negotiating skills he learned in the WISCONSIN I.,'~l',~~' So.....Y.OU RE NEAR THE END OF YOUR COLLEGE CAREER, TIME TO START THINKING ABOUT REPAYING STUDENT LOANS, LIFE INSURANCE, HOME LOANS, CAR PAYMENTS, AND ALL THE OTHER FUN STUFF THAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER. MAYBE YOU VE ALREADY KNOCKED UP SOME CHICK AND YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT TOO BUT DON T WORRY TH ERE SHELP! MICHIGAN HAS HELD ON TO THE UPPER PENINSULA FAR TOO LONG. TAKE BACK WHAT IS RIGHTLY WISCONSIN S FOR MORE I'NFORMATION, TRAINING, AND A RIFLE, CALLYOUR LOCALARMY NATIONAL GUARD REPRESENTATIVE AT 555-6496 NATIONAL GUARD Americans At Their Best! Original Format The type of object, such as painting, sculpture, paper, photo, and additional data Newspaper Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Smith Rocked With Hendrix Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Stranger, April 1, 1995 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1995-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English chancellor eleanor j. smith satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/913bec74f6b30be5090fa592839ac2b9.pdf 2cee49bf58b61ab2ca04dcc5cb48530c Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Text Any textual data included in the document UFO's land somewhere Page 2010 New disease discovered Teachers' AIDS Page 69 US invades Illinois Page 1-94 Disc aimer: If you believe this^you're stranger than we are! NO* /-^V j Beatrice Thursday, April 1, 1985 Free, obviously Vol. 13, No. 100 Helms buys Chancellor seat - appoints Watts and Falwell by Bye Birdie In a surprise move Monday, North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms, the arch-conservative head of the Senate Agriculture Committee, bought the position of Chancellor at the University of Wisconsin- Parkside. The post had been vacant since the sudden disappearance last week of Chancellor Alan Guskin. Guskin could not be reached for comment. In his introductory speech to students and faculty, Helms chuckled, "I've got a few little changes planned." The littlest of these, apparently, is that the university will officially defy the state's Indoor Clean Air Act. All classrooms, hallways and meeting areas will be designated as smoking areas, Helms announced, adding that each classroom will be supplied with a cigarette vending machine. While some students have questioned the wisdom of such a move, outgoing PSGA vice-president Paul Johnson predicted that student opinion would rally behind the new Chancellor. "I believe this is a decision we can all live with," Johnson said. "It isn't like there aren't going to be any non-smoking areas at all. I think Helms mentioned the power plant, behind the number two backup power generator, for example. Unfortunately, the new Chancellor made no mention of increasing the availability of co ffee. This is a point on which I'd like to see more deliberation." More controversial are the personnel changes which the Stranger has learned are being planned by the new administration. Several members of the faculty have already protested the selection of the Reverend Jerry Falwell to head the Life Science department. "What the hell qualifications has that man got in Life Science?" said one professor, who spoke on the condition that his or her name, department, gender, tenure status, address and hair color be kept confidential. "He's read every book on the subject he'll ever need to, starting with Genesis and ending with Revelation," replied Helms, who promised to find out every last little thing about the above professor and "deal with the problem as soon as possible." "The scientific theory of Creationism has most certainly been short-changed in American Higher Education," commented Falwell. "New evidence in favor of Creationism is being discovered every day. Why, archeologists have just unearthed the actual apple core from the fruit eaten by Adam and Eve. It did not evolve from a pomegranate, and carbon-dating dates it at not 25 billion but 6,000 years." Falwell also praised Helms' decision to institute a policy of opening each class period with a prayer. "With the record of education today, kids need all the help they can get," he explained. James Watts is slated to head the groundkeeping department. "I'm really looking forward to this job," the former Interior Secretary told the Stranger. "There is plenty of open space which the University is at present under-utilizing. That, what is it, wheat field on the east side of campus: who needs it? We could rent that space out to firms who need to dispose of their waste products. Studies show that the Pike River Valley could be rich in coal deposits, and extracting them could positively impact the tuition rates for decades to come. The new ROTC complex will obliviate the necessity of pruning that stupid forest my predecessors allowed to grow all over the south campus. But what I'm looking forward the most is the constrution of the MX missile silos between the inner and outer loop roads." There are more changes to come. Helms expressed concern with the Wyllie Library. "A lot of those books have got to go," he told a faculty meeting Monday night. "Decadence, immorality, and filth pervade those shelves. It's not just fiction — F. Scott Fitzgerald, James Baldwin and other inflammatory authors — b ut many of the so-called non-fiction books are dangerous as well. I've talked this matter over with Mr. Watt and clearly we cannot have all these discarded books lying all over the place, creating a litter problem. He and I agree that the most effective and ' environmentally soud means if disposing of the materials would be to burn them." The resulting uproar among the faculty was soon quelled by the beefed-up campus security force. Helms has stressed that the moral development of the students at P.U. is of prime concern to his new administration. In addition to the prayer time in all class periods _ a chapel will be added to the campus, taking the place of Union Square. Whether attendance will be mandatory has not yet been decided, said Helms. In a related matter, Helms expressed pleasure that the university has gotten rid of Gen Con. "That's a very dangerous game," he told a PSGA meeting Monday. "You get little children believing that they are demons, that they are suicidal maniacs, that they can become invisible at will and open locked doors with magical spells. Besides, have you ever seen any of those people? They're all GEEKS!" The Stranger has learned that the reason Helms has purchased the Chancellorship of P.U. is that he has changed his mind in regards to his efforts to buy the CBS television network and change its newscasting policies. Sources close to the Senator inform us that Helms seeks to win over the hearts and minds of persons aged 18-30, w hom he feels are ripe for the new conservative movement. Rather than forcing ideological change upon an established television network, the Senator feels that it is more cost-effective to force campus newspapers to promote the conservative line. The editorial staff of Stranger, however, maintains that the newspaper's integrity depends upon its independence from administration interference. Editor Jennie Tunkieicz (rhymes with munkieicz) has promsied that the Stranger will never knuckle under...(excuse me, I've got to answer the phone.) Hello? My transcripts? You can't... Now, just a minute... You wouldn't! You can't! You will? NO....anything but that! Wait! I'll tell you anything you want to know! I'll write whatever you say! You want to know who that professor is who doesn't like Falwell? Can I... Yes, sir. Certainly, sir. Of course, sir. Thank you, sir. Goodbye, sir. And in conclusion, the entire student body at Parkside is looking forward with anticipation and enthusiasm to the bright new era promised by Chancellor Helms, a right, true, Christian and upstanding human being — na y, saint, the boots of which I arp not worthy to lick the mud and scum off of with my own tongue. Let's all give him our full support. How about a nice round of applause for God's Gift to Parkside, Jesse "The Great" Helms! Let them eat it raw by All Means Last week a new food service took over the job of feeding hungry Parkside students. A spokesman for the Ralston Purina company said they will do all they can to insure that students are fed well. "We just recently expanded our operation to include running food operations for colleges," said company spokesman T. Ralph Bowouzer. "We are trying to move our image beyond that of just a pet food company." Bowouzer said that one way in which this image change will be accomplished is by the introduction of a new product: Purina College Chow. "New College Chow contains all the necessary nutrients needed for a busy college student. These nutrients are put together in a tasty, textbook-shaped nugget," said Bowouzer. "These nuggets have the additional feature of making their own gravy when you put water on them," he added. In an informal poll, ninety percent of students polled said they were unaware of the food sewice change-over, although most said they had noticed an improvement in food quality. Toss me a dorf by Bonds The Parkside Athletic Department, in conjunction with the International Person Tossing Federation, is sponsoring an event that could attract major attention to Parkside. The event is the "Dorf Throw," based on the popular and controversial dwarf tossing contests held in Australia. In this event, Parkside Ranger basketball star Erlan Wonderdorf will throw contestants as far as he can. A helmet and padding will be provided for the participants. The person thrown the farthest by Wonderdorf will receive free hospitalization at the instutition of his choice. The event will cost $5, with half the proceeds going to feed the residents of Ranger Hall. Entries are limited to the first 50 people to sign up. Entry forms are available at the Athletic Department office and major medical centers in Racine and Kenosha. Start Can you help Doug find his way through registration? L HO"] BOOKS FofJ 3 WEEKS ZL_J Default O/v Sro&E#T Loaw Sec-fion Closed TRY AGA/A// Finish V by Gones To have known him is to have forgotten him, but such is truly an unjust fate for one of the early pioneers of television spectery, Basil Wraithbone, perhaps best known as one of the original members of the Ghostly Trio of the Casper The Friendly Ghost series. Wraithbone, however, has been staging a comeback in recent years, and was gracious enough to grant me a recent telephone interview. "I was new to show business back then," the 120-year-old Wraithbone told me, speaking of his 1944 start with the Casper series. "In life, I had been a bassoon instructor in a little town called Shunk, Pennsylvania, but after my death in 1940, I passed on to other things." For a while, Wraithbone haunted a music store in Shunk, and that is how he came to break into show business. "It's the kind of thing you read about always happening to other people," he told me. "I was basically just hanging around the back room playing a bassoon, when this guy comes in and says to me, 'Hey, you play that thing real good.' Next thing I know, I'm in the theater, off-Broadway, in a musical revival of 'Spoon River Anthology.' I'd never been in a play before, but I decided, 'Hey! This is fun' and that's how it started." In 1944 Wraithbone got word that Famous Studios was planning a series featuring a friendly ghost, and he went to audition for the part. Wraithbone was turned down for the lead role, but ended up being cast as one of the series' regular villains. "They were looking for someone young, to appeal to the youth audience, for the leading role," Wraithbone explained. "Even with a falsetto, no one is going to believe I am a kid." And so the part went to Casper Wyman, then aged 43, a child vaudeville star who had suffocated to death in 1907 due to a large tomato thrown at him by an irate theater-goer in Toledo. In no time at all, the Casper series was a big success, and that is when the trouble started. Wraithbo- Chancellor applications sought Is a small liberal arts college what you're looking for? Are you bored? Do you hate Ohio? Would $62,000 a year help pay your gambling debts? Would you like your own private bar in your office? Could you tolerate driving an old station wagon, if it was free? Would you like a rent-free home where you wouldn't have to mow your own lawn or wash your own windows? If you can answer yes to two or more of the above questions, you might be qualified for the position of Chancellor — even if you can't read the questions, you may still be qualified. The Stranger is accepting applications for this rather dull, and certainly uneventful job. NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY! Be the first Chancellor on your block. 10-year employment limit. Get your application today! Wraithbone, seen here at the 1952 gala opening of "She's Working Her Way Through College" with Ronald Reagan, no longer regrets having downed so many martinis that he barfed all over the future President's nice white suit. ne started hitting the bottle. Hard. "I can look back on the films now and see how badly it was affecting my work," said Wraithbone. "I was hazy and blurred and kept fading in and out all the time. You look at the outtakes and you can see shots of me falling flat on my face through the floor. It was bad. Production schedules also suffered; Wraithbone would show up at the shoots late or not at all — and sometimes he would arrive for the shoot and still not show up, totally forgetting to become visible, which drove the make-up crew crazy. Finally, the management of Famous Studios handed him his walking papers. "They slipped right through my fingers. I was in shock. I couldn't even hold on to a piece of paper." Wraithbone described his fight to free himself from the bottle as "one of the most terrible periods of my afterlife," but well worth it, and now he is concentrating on his comeback. "It was difficult after living down the reputation I had made during my drinking years," he admits. He was turned down for parts in "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" and "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir," among others, but by the late 70's the industry was ready to forget Wraithbone's past. His big break came when Steven Spielberg asked him to make a cameo appearance in his 1982 film "Poltergeist." "There's no doubt about it, Spielberg is one of the greatest directors alive today," said Wraithbone. "He has a real feeling for the afterlife. At times it made me think he may have been dead once himself, and I mean that as a compliment." I asked Wraithbone why he turned down a role in the 1984 blockbuster "Ghostbusters," starring Bill Murray and Dan Ackroyd. "Murray and Ackroyd, they're two really funny men, and I really respect (Harold) Ramis, but I felt that film was demeaning to dead people. There's no understanding of what it means to be a dead person in society today. What of the future? "I'm looking at a number of scripts right now," said Wraithbone. "I've got one right here, called 'Jacques Brel is Deceased, Oh, Well, and Buried in Paris,' which looks mighty promising. It's a musical. That would bring me around full circle, I guess." More immediately, Wraithbone would like to return to visit Shunk, Pennsylvania, again. "I haven't been there in ages., it would be good to see my old haunts again." Do you have a small plot of unused land? \ An old garden? A window box? Now you can put these unused bits of land to work and help out your country at the same time. The U S needs MX Missile Sites. With 25 new missiles on the way we need places to put them. Fast. it's easy Just call or write and we'll send a grossly overpaid 8 government construction crew to your home within days to a begin work In just two years and 17 cost overruns, you'll have S a backyard to be proud of. And the best part is: your yard will ^ look just the same as before, except for the steel hatch and the 8 70 000 sq. ft. of poured concrete. 3 So if you want to help, just call 1-SOO-SKA-BOOM or write: ^ NUKE THEM RUSSKIES. Box 1000. Pueblo. Col. 81009. Spirited superstar from ghost to ghost Giant bagel attacks UW-P by Pass A 50 foot onion bagel invaded the campus today. Onlookers cried, "It was horrible, frightening!" A total of 30 people were injured as the leavened loaf lunked through the hallways. 15 people received squished appendages, and the other 15 wer e hospitalized for removal of embedded crumbs from their bodies. It is rumored that the bagel grew to its enormous size after an unknown student spilled radioactive coffee on it. The coffee was grown on a nuclear waste site as part of an environmental experiment program. "We were testing to determine the effects of nuclear waste products on waste-heads, so a college was the perfect surrounding. It's unfortunate that an innocent bagel was hurt in the process," said Nat Snora, Food and Drug Services Director at Sparkside. The National Guard was called in to stop the bagel from spreading terror across the city. The National Guard put a stop to the mammoth roll by freezing it in its tracks. But according to Snora the 50 foot frozen bagel will not be wasted. 25 aircraft flew the bagel to Ethiopia as Sparkside's contribution to famine relief. Snora said the Union also hopes to grow cream cheese and jelly by pouring radioactive coffee on the spreads. The humongous cheese and jelly will also be sent to Africa for use on the huge bagel. "Oy vey," said Snora. "A bagel without cream cheese is like an hour without a beer." Bagel attack captured by ace Stranger . Wraithbone Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Stranger, Volume 13, Issue 100, April 1, 1985 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1985-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/a7d30511f48ec221e69987d95c3f12c6.pdf 96bc0ac3efc8269524d901ef5529d482 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Text Any textual data included in the document I n a w o r s e c i t y o f W i s c o n s i n - P o r k s i d e V o l . X V II » N O . 2 3 K e n o s h a , W l Y ou w an t it. v o u g o t it .. . T h u r s d a y , M a r c h 3 0 , 1 9 8 9 D2 lev el to be con vert ed into parking complex by Jon He arr on Edit or-in -Che ef I t h as lo ng be en a st a n d in g co m pl ai nt of st u d en ts a n d fa cu lt y al ik e th a t P a rk si d e d o e sn 't ha ve ad eq u at e p ar k ­ in g fa ci li ti es . F o r ju st a s lon g, A dm in is ta tio n h a s sc of fe d a t th e no tio n of pa y­ in g fo r ad di ti on al p ar k in g . A dm in is tr at io n is no lo ng er sc of fin g. P la n s a r e in th e w or ks fo r pr ov id in g 2,000 m o re p ar ki n g st a ll s fo r th e P a rk si d e co m m un ity . M an y st ud en ts a r e fa m il ia r w ith th e D-2 le ve ls of th e ca m p u s. P re se n tl y , P a rk - si d e 's ba se m en t sp ac e is pr i­ m ar il y be in g us ed fo r st or ­ a g e . Ac co rd in g to th e ne w p ar k in g pl an (t h e br ai nc hi ld of C ar ol G ir sh , S tu de nt Ac ­ ti vi ti es s e c re ta ry ), th e D-2 le ve ls of G re en qu is t a nd Mo li- n a ro H al ls wil l be tr a n s­ fo rm ed in to un de rg ro un d p ar k in g f ac il it ie s. A fte r G ir sh pr es en te d th e id ea to C ha nc el lo r Sh ei la K a­ pl an , th e en gi n ee ri ng d ep ar t­ m en t w as co ns ul te d an d as ke d to in v es ti g a te th e fe si- bi lit y of th is id e a . As re p o rt ed to K ap la n, th e pl an co uld be im pl em en te d a t m in im al ex pe ns e in si de of fo ur m on th s. K ap la n ga ve th e gr ee n li g h t to th e M ob ile B la st in g a n d P a in ti n g Co m pa ­ ny la st M on da y to pr oc ee d wi th th e pr oj ec t. T h e es ti m at ­ ed co st of th e pr oj ec t is $115,660. M ob ile h a s be en co nt ra ct ed to do th e wo rk be ca us e of th er e st ro n g p er fo rm an ce re ­ co rd an d ec on om ic al bi d. S im il ar ly , M ob ile is on e of th re e co m pa ni es in th e s ta te th a t h as th e ca pa b il it y , eq uip ­ m en t an d pe rs on ne l to up­ g ra d e an d a lt e r ex is tin g 0 2 lev el, a s sh ow n ab ov e, is so o n to be tra ns fo rm ed in to un der ­ gr ou nd par kin g co m pl ex s tr u c tu re s su ch a s th e D-2 le ve l o f P ar k si d e. A cc or di ng to Be n Sc ru in g, P re si d e n t of Mo bil e, "W e be th e d a m n be st cu ns tr uc ti on cu m pa ny in d a a r e a ." S cr ui ng w en t on to ex pl ai n th a t th e pr oj ec t wi ll e n ta il a g re a t d ea l of bl as tin g an d gr ou ti ng . M an y of th e ex is ti ng w al ls wi ll h av e to be bl as te d do wn to ac co m od at e th e a c c e ss w ay s in to an d ou t of th e ga ­ ra g e a s w el l a s th e 2000 st a ll s. C on st ru ct io n is sc he du le d to be gi n d u ri n g th e se co nd we ek of A pr il. S tu d en ts a n d m ai nt en an ce w o rk er s a r e as ke d to av oi d us in g th e D-2 le ve ls un til co n­ st ru ct io n is co m pl et ed . E d it o r' s No te: Co ng ra tul a­ ti on s to Ca rol G ir sh for he r re ce n t pr om ot io n to D ir ec to r of S tu de n ts A ct iv it ie s! G re at id ea Ca ro l; ke ep 'e m co m in g! 5 0 0 lb. ba ge l a t ta c k s R es . Halls by Ay atu all ah Jon an d Cr aig Po ke alo t T hi s E a st e r S u n d a y . no t on ly Je su s a ro se . A 500 -po und ba ge l ar o se fr om th e d ep th s of th e Co ffe e Sh op pe d ee p fr ee ze r. A ya tu lla h Jo n an d C ra ig P ok ea lo t w er e w or ki ng in th e a d ja ce n t S tr a n g e r of­ fi ce (a ft e r a di si llu si on ed E a s te r eg g hu nt ) w he n th ey h ea rd th e u n m is ta k ea b le gr u m bl in g of a di sc on te nt ba ge l. T he ba ge l br ok e th ro ug h th e g a te cl os in g off th e ki tc h­ en an d he ad ed up M ai np la ce an d do wn th e co nc ou rs e. A ft er a m om en t of st un ne d co nf us io n Jo n a n d Po ke al ot m u st er e d th e co ur ag e to ch as e a ft e r th e b ag el . Po ke al ot ex cl ai m ed , "H ol y sh it , I th in k it 's h o rn y! I' v e n e v er se en a ho le th a t bi g in Acti on ph ot o! As s e e n Ea ste r Su nd ay , ba ge l he ad s f or Re s. Hal ls m y li fe .. .l et 's fo llo w i t ! " Th e co nc ou rs e w as e m p ty fo r th e ba ge l an d co m pa ny . If it w e re n 't fo r th e p ic tu re we w ou ld n' t ha ve pu bl is he d th is . T he ba ge l ex it ed th e co m ­ pl ex an d he ad ed fo r th e re si ­ d en ce ha ll s. F o rt u n at el y , fe w ha d re tu rn ed fr om E a s te r b re a k . B ag el m an ia en su ed . Ac ­ co rd in g to th e C am pu s P o li ce fi le , th e 500 -po und s of b ag el br ok e i n to 27 a p a rt m e n ts . T he la s t of wh ich w as 7C. A ft er sp en di ng 15 m in u te s, d u ri n g w hi ch sp or at ic , lo ud be lc he s w er e h e a rd , th e no w bl oa te d ba ge l em er g ed an d ro ll ed off do wn O u te r L oop R d. C am p us Po lic e O ff ic er B ig Bo b e n te re d 7C to fin d th e li ke s of hu ge b ee ra m id an d a sc a tt e ri n g of em p ty H a m m 's b e e r ca n s. T h re e ho ur s la te r th e b ag el w as a rr e st e d fo r u ri n at in g in P et ri fi e d Sp ri ng s P a r k . ; O E A LI ! DE A L! ! DE A L! ! DE AL !! DE AL !! DE AL !! DE A L! ! D EA L! ! D EA L! ! D CL IP TH IS CO UP ON AND RE CEI VE A FRE E IS SU E OF TH E STR ANG ER Ju st redeem t his at the neare st Stra nger ou tpost a nd g et a free Ranger, l expi res 3/31/89 invsD in va a in va a in va a in va a in va a in va a in va a i nv aa o 2 n a m > Ch an cel lor Kap lan an d R os s Pe ttlt rev ea l th e Pe ttit Bu re au cr ati c Memor ial Awa rd a t re ce nt di nn er pa rty . P ho to s of Pet tit will be hu ng in e ve ry cl as sr oo m an d off ice to rem ind all of th e wo nd er & glo ry of th e bu re au cr at ic sy st em . i n P a g e 2 . . . Rot 3 . . . Garb age 4 . . . .Vulg aritie s P a g e 6 . . . Tr as h P a g e 7 . . . Lie s E v e r y P a g e . .S e x 2 Th ur sd ay , Mar . 3 0 ,1 9 8 9 S tra ng er so ur v i e w Pa pe r a do pt s n e w p o li c y : n o m o r e lett ers to e d it o r W ith th e m on th s/ is su es of ex pe ri en ce I'V E co m pi le d, I' V E co m e to th e co nc lus ion th a t le tt e rs to th e E d it o r (M e) a r e a n u tt er an d co m pl et e w as te of in k, p ap er a n d sp a c e . T he re fo re , Th e S tr an g er h a s im pl em en te d a ne w- an d- im pr ov ed ed it or ia l po lic y. Th ou gh th e m ea su re is d ra st ic , it is co m pl et el y w ar ra n te d se ei ng a s no ne of yo u a r e in te ll ig en t en ou gh to p ut a co he re nt th ou gh t dow n on p a p e r. H en ce th er ef o re , by m an d at e of M e, T he S tr a n g e r we l­ co m es no vi ew po in ts fr om an y re a d e rs ; sc re w yo u a ll . M e/ w e no lo ng er gi ve a d am n (n ot th a t we e v e r d id ) ab o ut yo ur w or th le ss un in fo rm ed op ini on s. B es id es yo ur op in io ns d o n 't m a tt e r an yw ay ... be ca us e, a s yo u sh ou ld kn ow by no w , o nl y M y o pi nio ns a r e pe rt in en t. Ye s, th e p re te ns e th at I/ w e c a re to h ea r o r p ri n t yo ur m in is cu le co m pl ai nt s is a th in g of th e p as t. So th e re . F ro m no w on do n' t ju st si t th e re , sh u t up ! If you ha ve an y il le g it im at e o r foo lish co nc er ns , ke ep th em to y ou rs el ve s! If it 'l l m a k e you fe el b et te r, w ri te it do w n. ..t he n sh ov e i t ! R em em b er , yo u' ve go t no th in g to sa y — if yo u w er e in ­ te ll ig en t a n d le ar n ed lik e us , yo u' d be on M y/ ou r s ta ff . H av e a ni ce d ay . Oh y e ah , ap pl ic at io ns fo r My job a r e be in g ac ce p te d (d o n' t w o rr y th ou gh , you w on 't g e t h ir ed ). b y M E , t h e Ed ito r/G od -in -C hie f Sc um ba gs fa rt To th e E d it o r: I w an t to be th e fi rs t to sa y th a t th is d am n Ap ril F oo l's is su e is a se n se le ss , re pu g­ na nt w as te . Yo u sc um ba gs th a t pu bl is h th is di sg us tin g pil e of s h it (t h a t is an u tt e r w as te of st u d e n t fe es ) sh ou ld be as h am ed of yo ur se lv es . Why d o n 't yo u pe op le pu t hal f a s m uc h ef fo rt in to pr od uc in g a de ce n t ne ws ­ p ap er ov er th e re s t of th e y e a r? If you did , you w ou ld n' t ha ve a ll of th is en er gy to f a r t aw ay wh en Ap ril co m es ar ou nd . I t 's ex ac tl y th is ki nd of ra g th a t I ha ve to hi de fr om m y ki ds an d do gs . L e t' s gr ow up , hu h? M s. Pr ud en ce B it ch ow B uf u co mp lai ns — To th e E d it o r: I' v e go t th is pr ob le m an d I' m no t re al ly s u re how to de ­ sc ri be it . W ell , I liv e in th e re s( id ew ) h al ls an d I fin d th a t I' m gr ow in g qu ite clo se to m y ro o m m at e. I en jo y be in g w ith h im , I lik e th e wa y he d re ss es a n d ta lk s an d I' m af ra id I' m .. .w e ll , I. .. W ha t ca n I sa y ? I n e v er us ed to be lik e th is . An yho w, la s t F ri d a y ni gh t — it ha pp en ed . To m ak e a lon g st o ry sh o rt , I' v e co m m it­ te d a he in ou s si n a g ai n st m y pe rs on . W ha t ca n I do ? (n a m e w ith he ld up on re q u es t) E d it o r' s N ot e: WR ON G. Th e S tr a n g er do es no t wi th­ hol d n am es on re q u e st . Yo ur n am e is Fl oy d M as se ga il an d yo u liv e in do rm 2B, ro om 3, In n er Lo op R d. Y ou r ph on e nu m b er is 55 3-B IF F. So un ds li ke yo u' re a bu fu , F lo y d. G ee , al l we ca n sa y is d o n 't le t yo ur ne ig hb or s f in d o u t. L A & C Workshops O rg an iz in g fo r E x e m s Tu es da y, April 4 1:0 0pm -2: 00 pm Mee ts In WL LC 0150 How to Take Objective T es ts Tu es da y, April 18 3:0 0p m- 4:0 0p m Meets In WLLC D150 No reser vat ion s ne eded C L A S S I F I E D S T A F F D I S T I N G U I S H E D S E R V I C E A W A R D D ea dl in e fo r th e C la ss if ie d S ta ff Di sti ng ui sh ed S e rv ic e Aw ard n o m in a ti o n s is Ap ril 1 4 ,1 9 8 9 . C ri te ri a - N om in ee s s h o u ld b e th o s e w ho : 1. ar e carr ying or ha ve carrie d exce ptio nal wo rklo ads 2. show exc epti ona l perform ance 3. ar e en ga ge d in activities that prom ote th e w e ll bein g of the cam pus community and /or g e n e ra l publi c 4. exhibit exc eptio nal effort that enh an ce s th e individua l's work site, departmen t, and/ or unive rsity in gen eral. N om in at io n fo rm s a n d a li s t of el ig ib le c la ss if ie d st a ff a r e a v a il a b le a t th e Union In fo rm at io n C e n te r a n d t h e Li br ar y/L ea rn ing C en te r C ir cu la ti on D e sk . Issue Volume 17, issue 23 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. D2 level to be converted into parking complex Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Stranger, Volume 17, issue 23, March 30, 1989 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1989-03-23 Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/9d1ae70212bec5d79cccb52120d15a81.pdf 0297228da26febc7962d2c3cd6d22f27 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Text Any textual data included in the document -r niversity of Parkside- Wisconsin enosha, Wisconsin Volume 19-X Bill Horner by Dino Chiapet Gnews Editor Sheila Kaplan. UW-Parlcside Chancellor. has resigned due to the no-smoking policy which prohibits students. staff. faculty. and administration from smoking on campus. "I cannot continue to improve educational opportunities for students at UW-Parlcside if I cannot have a smoke once in awhile." stated Kaplan. "It's pretty tough being Chancellor. and not being able to smoke." Kaplan was caught smoking a $1.97 Monday, Aprilll991 3beiJa Kaplan Horner was involved in some controversy when he was UWParlcside Student Government President when he was accussed of having an affair with Maggie Frymire. who at that time. was involved with the present PSGA President Ken Schuh. "Sbe wanted me. I didn't want her. I had something she wanted . thatKen couldn'tgive 10her," said Horner. "I'm yet 10have my first college experience," said Horner. "You can call me a college virgin." As Chancellor, Horner is aI- 6 allBd itO paDltpltO:> INXS to rock Union Square Chancellor Kaplan resigns .. - _.. cigarette in the women's restroom by Gary Goetz, UW-Paricside's Assistant Cancellor for Administration and Sexual Affairs. UW -SyremPresidentKenneth Shaw called an immediate meeting with the Board of Rejects to select a new Chancellor ... After three minutes of talks, The Board of Rejects had selected a new Chancellor. "I am pleased toannounce that this is the first time any university in this country has ever had a student become Chancellor. Bill 'Horny' Horner. former PSGA President, will do a great job as UW-Parlcside's new Chancellor." said Shaw. According 10 the Board of Rejects. Homer was selected due to hisinvolvementon campus. such as founder ofUW -Parlcside' s "Uh, Ub I Take the Fifth Amemndment, and Ub Ub No Comment" movements. Most importantly, Horner is founder and chairperson ofUWParicside's "Uh, Uh Don't Smoke Organization." The Board of Regents respected Horner's dedication of quitting smoking after 65 years of doing so. When asked about his termination of smoking. Horner said, "Uh, Ub no problem." by Ludwig von Simpkins and Baronness von Terri Student Fees Allocations Committee chair Ken Shoe has announced that after months of .. misappropriating funds, the Parkside Activities Board has been awarded an additional $1.000.000 10 sign the rock group INXS to perform in Union Square. It is reported that INXS' s Lead Singer Michael Hutchence, who resides in London. England. is a distant cousin of Shoe. and that Shoe worked out a "crooked" deal with the band' s agent INXS was scheduled to appear at Carnegie Hall, but cancelled that appearance so they could perform in the Union Square on Friday night May 3. atS pm. Marie Boris. live entertainment chair for PAB, commends Shoe on his crookedness 10get the band here at UW-Paricside and thinks it will be SlnDger PboIo by Gwm Hedd Senior Jim Chomko, sporting the latest in professional fashion, pauses to wet hiswhisUe between two high-level interviews for his fu~ure.career in business. a smashing success. Boris also said. "This is the greatest thing 10 happen at UW -Parlcside since the Atletic Department hired AI Schiesser as head basketball coach." ~. INXS. which has cut several albums. is currently on tour promoting their new album "Y". and will be performing several songs including "Airhead Blonde". "Punt", "Devil In Your Shorts", "Mandy", "Kiss The Bust", "Faking AIl My Love For You". and "What You Don't Need". They will also be doing some popular oldies like "Wully Bully", 6 ~1l8d 00 paRltlJUO:) Inside ... Editorial .Page2 PSGARepon. .Page3 Lucifer'sLex .Page3 News , .Page4 . Residence Hall .Page4 Sports .Page5 NewProject. .Page9 Studenteatsfoot Page 10 Studentfataility .Page 10 Unclassifieds .Page 12 c Ranger , Page 2 Editorial ApriI!,I99! What I say goes! I bet when you walked by a Ranger stand today, you were very surprised 10 see a special edition avai1able for you 10 read The Rlinger ExecutiveCommiuee dec:idedin an emeIJleDCy session that because of all the !ale breaking news occurring, we would have 10 publisb a specia1 edilion. Itall started last week when Chancellor Kaplan resigned because of the newly enacted smoking policy. She decided she couldn't make it lbrougb a wboIe day's wort witbout pufting 011 a produclO. Since half of die administration is over in Europe bein&eDIeIlaiDedbytheRussians,the~ofRejectsdec:idedtheyhadlOtakethesituationinlOtheirownhands aad appoint a new t:bl!IJc.AoJlor. ACta' only a few mmUles of delibetalion, die Rejects appointed former PSGA Plesident Bill Homer as new c1lllnmllor. Owx:ellor Homer, ina televised address last week, stated that be has eligiOus1y quit smoking 10 accept Ibe appoiDtmenL Right after that incident, it was announced that SUFAC Chair Ken Shoe pulled off a quick move. and funneled $1,000,000 of illegal fuDds 10 dleParkside Activilies Board. These fuDds were used 10sign the British rock group U'oO(S 10 perform at UW -Parkside. It is also rumored that die bend cancelled an appeaIlIIIce at C-amegi~eHaUsodleycou1dperformatUW-Parkside. U'oO(S willbeperforminginUnion SquareonFridaynighl; - Talk about lIUIJIrises. Two !ale developing stories have been dug up by die Ranger fiom the Ath1etic DepartmenL UW·PlIrbide Head Baskelball coach, AI Schiesser, was named wistant coach 10 the Olympic basketball team. The big SlDJlrise about this is that Schiesser couldn't coach a pee-wee team 10one viclOry. and is lucky if be can lie hia own shoes in the morning. Despite that. we wish you luck. AI. Two UW -PlIrbide grapplers announced they would join the World Wrestling Federation under the team aame Bonanza. Jim Bezoae and Joel DullOn will wrestle under the names "Hess" and "LiU1e Joel". They are the taitofthe WWF. and are pegged 10 be champions by the time the WWF's Summer Slam rolls around. Go BonanzaI; Otherobservatioas havebeen madeof other new developments, and idiosyncracies have been notedofother people you may have seen or beard about on campus. Some are shocldng, some are expected. Most are untrue. by Ludwig von Disclaimer notice: The content of this special edition should be taking as what it is: merely a joke. Hopefully, all parties mentioned in this special edition will take it ina lighthearted manner. r=Jf J < Stranger, Page 4 News Aprill,l~ Residence Hall Expansion Project Underway byKenSboe Residence HaD Expansion Editor The scheduled expansion project 10 increase the residence hall complex 10houseanadditional 1200 students has begun, According 10 Deann PosheD, Director of Residence Life, "There has been a minorchangeinplans." Theproject plans originally. called 10 add 11 additional stories to buildings I and 7, and 4 additional stories 10 building 4. "Due to environmentalist concerns, we were forced 10 add the proposed floors below the current strucmre, underground," staled newly appointed Chancellor Homer. EnvironmentalislS claim that the proposed above ground expansion would destroy the beautiful landscape of the campus. The cost of the changes in the project are expected 10 reach an additional $4.00, and are expected 10 be allocated from student fee revenues, while thecost1On:sidents should increase $1400.00 per semester. Alvin Upsett stated "Let the environmentalists worry about the other 699 acres on campus. I need a place 10live on campus, and don'tfmditconvenient1Oputdown $2400.00 4 112 semesters in advance 10guarantee a room". "They are 100 worried about this place looking like a county park," stated resident Clyde Claustrophobic. "1 'd prefer they build the expansion above ground, like a nomtal university campus." Supporters of the underground project claim advantages. "'!be underground consbUCtion should decrease 9nergy consumption," Building seven of tbe residence ball complex before expansion projecL Artist's conception of building seven of tbe residence ball complex detailingtbe underground cbanges to be made, Slated G. G. Graced, Assistant Chancellorfor Reduction in Power Outages. "After last week'spower outage, this is a good idea." Campus Police officials stated that it would be easier 10 apprehend students under 21 years of age carrying alcoholic beverages into the complex. "Thiswouldpreventstudents from jumping out windows while we are approaching them," stated Faye Schouten, Campus Police Sergeant The project is expected to be completed by 4:07 pm lOday. BACCHUS changes mission statement UPI (DENVER, CO) The organization that has spent millions of do1lalsintimdinglOeducatecollege students on the consequenoes of alcohol and substance abuse has changeditsmission statement The BACCHUS·, whichSlOOdfor Boost Alcohol Consciousness Concerning the Health of UnivetSity Studerits, has changed its motto 10 Boosting Alcohol Consumption Can Help U Sleep. Betty Ford, former spokesperson for ,stated that, "It's no use trying to pound this crap inlO college students heads. We are better off promoting that they drink themselves silly untilAhey pass out on the floor and are 100 drunk 10 drive. Therefore, I have appointed Vince Neil, the leader of the heavy metal band "Modey Crue," to our spokesperson position. From what I have heard about his lOurs and albums, be will bea greatsuccess." Vince Neil was grateful 10 accept the position and quickly appointed Tammy Fay Bakec as thedirectorofcollegeaffairs. Vince Neil was quoted as saying in his newly appointed position, ''Like hey ya know, I really ain't got no drinking problem, like ya know. I drink, I get drunk, and I fall down. Like, no problem, hey?" Tammy Fay Baker was not available for comment at this time because she was preparing to defend her title in the Region 7 Jello Wrestling Competition at Back in Time, Racine, WL However, it is widely rumored she isin favor of a 13 year old drinking age and eliminating the federal liquor tax. It is also rumored that she is in favorofdistribution of illegal drogs as party favors. When Vince was asked about these allegations, he was quoted as saying, "Y cab;like man if the age is only for those young teenage cbickgroupies. Tbatwouldbecool caus' that's the age I like 'um. Now Igonnago have my breakfast, a bottle of JD and a couple hits of ·cid." The task of appointing new chapter direclOrs will begin immediately. Possible candidates include Drew Barrymore, Corey Feldman, Axel Rose, Roy Tarpley and Paul Schaeffer. Both Neil and Baker are on National Tom promoting their philosophy on how 10 party, and will be visiting your campus soon, """""""'" ~nly after Hussein failed towi!h. .draw in time 10 avoid disaster. "A similar failure on !bepan of Hussein's father likewisete. ;sulted in disaster,:' says .i Bassakrappapoppadupo1ls. THURSDAY APRll..l, 1991 SECfIONB Ranger coach chosen for ." Olympic Basketball team r Rlmger ' AI S endYMiUer,~,~rt'" chiesser most worthy us 0:.°';: (GorgeQ~~'c~oa1ch for 1992 hoops team ... not yet a. rot By TOM HANKs _ dye offer.. .ts.s'. W ,,$-J;[. Asst. SportsEd,'tor 10e Manum, Joerl~'~1 that :i::t:a=~~~~z~~~:m~e:~: sld, of the LBA'lii~jlPl-l UW -ParksidePhysical Education Department. " e been drafted bYlbel:la ,'!'ii,"" With this statement Athletic Director Wayne 1h CBA ' ,,'»1' ,K Dannehl announced ~t UW-Parkside head baskete ~~i}!t~1:j :~'~~~c~c:~~~~~~~:'s~:~~~~ good! Sba.wn, 'f4)iDjf~n~'pic Baskethall team. dog track rat hasbeena~~ nice:~~~ya::~:g:~;~~~e:s=:t~~ dOg races and has been in<£'("ffi!.l:cl" know about, urn,basketball." from aI1 wagering "',kX it' Schiesser, who just completed his third "interim" . 'l::t\;% Ji season as the Ranger's head coach, was selected by the breaking Plans for II24,~, ~:r;~~ac:~~~:~:~%d~t;;.chconsistsof 18 hole golf cOllISe~v~r~!fd Three years ago, Schiesser was hired as an "in- OyKgO;fcQa~h kt:~:~fi=tl.;=~a~~;:=} ~~:~:~~:~~ tho ap an·d. a\_i':dc ..It,~4¥Fj1iii£j, It is a bit of a surprise ~t Scheisser was selected for course an it Suviu """'~¢.~ the Assistant CoachingJO' b of the Olympic Baskethall ~=~==;==:' AI before theretumofli41i"'~';""'#f~ team, and coincidentally, Parkside Athletic Director ~:~r~:~rf~:YC::~ a Wayne Danneh1 is on the Olympic Committee Board Parkside game. Ai will get his which undoubtedly has much pull with the Coaches Selection Committee. chance to represent the United "I'm sure Wayne had nothing to do with my States of America as Assistant selection as Assistant Coach," said Schiesser. "1was Basketball Coach. picked for my success with my players and ability to handle myself through times of controversy." Questionable or not, Schiesser will be the Assistant Olympic coach and he will be coaching the best players in the world. In the 1992 Olympics, professee Olympics, B3 Grapplers to challenge for WWFcrown Bezotte, Dutton, pack bags for glory By BILL MURRAY Asst. SportsEdItor , The UW-Parkside Ranger Wrestling team was dealt a severe blow last week when lieshman heavyweight Jim Bezotte and sophomorelightweightJoelDutton signed contracts to wrestle in the World Wrestling Federation. Dutton (5'6", 140 Ibs) and Bezolte (6'6, 300 Ibs) each signed million dollar contracts with the Heenan Family which will take them through 1994. The two Rangers will form a new tag team which will be called "Bonanza" and their wrestling names will be "Hoss" (Bezolte) and "Uttle Joel (Dutton). "These two will be tag team champioos within a year," said team manager Bobby "The Bmin" Heenan. "Their combination of size and speed will destroy any tag ---=-=~team in the WWF." Heenan origina1ly just wanted tosignBezotte,butBezouewanted a package deal. "1 won't go anywhete without Little Joel," said Bezotte. Bezotte's main asset is a powerful move be caDs the ''TIlICIm," in which he uses bis opponent to "p1ow" the ring. Dutton, on the other hand, uses a move he calls the "Little Hammer," in which be flies off the top rope and kicks his opponent in the groin. UW·ParksidecoachJimKoch was shocked at the events, but 00- derstandsthelucrativesituationbis wrestlers are in. "I'm happy forthe guys because of the money and publicity they will be receiving, but their leaving is really going to hurtourprogram.I wasconsidering going along as their trainer but ] can't stand ~t weasel Heenan." seeWWF,B3 supposed to do once I cut the boy open," said an enthusiastic Dr. Brown. Once the area is exposed Lubkeman will be given a steel plate attaehCd with microscopic thread and tiny screws to hold the 3.2 pound piece of steel in syndrome• place. When Todd is sewn up, he will be moved to intensive care for at least a week. Then, lie will be given special attention in order to teach him how to walk again. Due to the extra weight on his head, it will take Lubkeman three to four weeks to adjust The metal plate will serve as a skull of sorts, keeping his brains where they belong and preventing him from unwarned narcoleptic attacks. "Were looking forword to having the big guy back and better than ever for us:' said Ranger teammate John Evans. "I just hope he doesn't try and head buttus after his firsthoop." Todd will have the very finest of care for the six hour surgery and three to four week stay in the hospital and is looking forword to being like everyone else on the team. "I'll just be glad when this is all over," said Lubkman. "I can't wait to get back on the court," Happy April Fool's Day Todd. Next Tune keep your eyes open on picture day. !Ranger Grapplers to In III exclusive telephone in- (tIVieW with the Ranger, former wwPcoIorc:ommenl8lOr Jesse the BodY Vc:.alUIa assessed the Heenan ac:quisilioD- "'Ibese two Bozos will be out oflbcJellueafteronematehl Booanzal Where's Michael Landon! LeI me guess. they're going 10ride into lhe ring on a horse 10 the Bonanza theme song. Give me a 1Rak'" Obviously "The Body" wasn't impressed. Vince McMahon, as usual. took the opposire side of Ventura, "I think the twO youngsters will tum some L--='==J:::'=:::::====~ • lID Bezotte =isser to give team his personalized touch siooaI athletes will be allowed 10 compete in the Olympics. This meaosduuourcoach Scheisserwill bele8Ching Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley. David Robinson and a host of professionalsconsidered to be among the best players ever. "Tbeopportunity 10learn from ColICb Schiesser is, well, a unique -. "said Olicago Bulls superstar Michael Jordan. Olympic Head Coach QlUck Daley was surprised but also de- IigbIed at !he opportunity 10 work almg sideof coach Schiesser. "I Ihiat AI is by far the most unique penon for the job. His innovative Style of coaching and rappon with his players is 10say the least. one in • million." Over !he course of the past Ibree seasons. coach Schiesser has IIIlld&: his unusual style of play famous among those who follow UW·l'arkside basketball. This approach will undoubtedly be tested bytheverybestofforeignteamSin next summer's showcase of the world's best basketball players. Parbide did not go 4-23 this seasondoingDOthing; the Rangers ran Schiesser's offense 10 perfection, using almost all the time on the 45 into WWF second shot clock before missing a wee pointer. This one of a kind approach 10 roundbaII will be the focus of the 1992 United Slates Olympic B'!Sketball Team's attack as the team seeks to avenge its otherwise disappointing Bronze medal finish in the 1988 games. Player personnel will be of utmost importance as the United States has so much incredible talent from which 10choose. Schiesser and Daley will be in charge of choosing the players which they feel can do the best jobs on the court representing the United States, "While I'm sure many people have the more popular superstars in mind, Michael Jordan, Magic, and Robinson, 1 am DOt against using some of the talent Isee in the college ranks," said Schiesser. "In fact, some of our Rangers, like guard Shawn Dunn have a decent chance of going 10Barcelona. • "We have a long way 10 go," said Schiesser, "choosing a squad, finding a hotel, and even picking an airline, but 1am confident that I can contribute all 1know 10 make the 1992 Olympic team the best it can possibly be." By BILL MURRAY AssL sports Editor Down here guys! UW-Parkside Baseball players look for $2 million in drug cash hidden under ball diamond. iii .. Harvey's Wallbangers ,The Kmg Iives on storm WI state Capitol for Rae ewa 1k e r s . canada is much WOISe. Besides, throw out the first blIUlIQl YIeet By IRWIN M.FLEfCHER you have to Imvel by sled-dog to anyway." Sports Editor half of the country, and I don't Next week is wbaI die lJad. In thei first visible protest think some of our underclassmen gersplan to play 1beir1Da8lllle1l . the :g was yanked from were ready for that." the new complex, wbicb baayeuo smceeaththe the UW-Madison Reports that the team drove benamed. SomeWlllkJemainab ::Cball ~, led by spiritual theirlmvelingvanstoFortMcC~y the~, includingiMla!latioa1i leader and former team member and stole some U:S. Army equip- addibonal res! rooms IIId tEat Harvey Kuehn, stormed the State' ment,includin~twoM-l tanksand booths. Capital Building and converted it an Apache helicopter, also helped . State ~orker,! Who were into a Hi-Tech baseball facility, to discount their rumored move- seized as ~ m die lII1act, The Parlcside race-walking team is scheduled iii get exciting new complete with a retractable roof ments north. are currently beiDg held in die uniform changes within the next year to bring in more fans. and more than 40 luxury boxes. "I'm sure a tank is a great bleacher area until a deciJial cao Race-walking, as you know, is one of~erica's most exciting "Thekids needed some way to thing if you've only got a couple of be reached as to what lOOOwilh spectator sports. Yet, each week many exciting race-walking events go vent their frustrations over the guys in it," said Ross Kopfer, a them. uncovered and unattended. whole issue," said an unearthly player for the team. "But we could "Well, we're goingtoboldllll In an effort to raise public awareness of this thrilling sport UW-P has Kuehn. "WecJearedoutwhatfunds only get two, and I wouldn't want to them for a wbile," said Uike. decided to have the race-walkers dress up like Elvis Presley. we had left, sold some pizzas, and to travel more than an hour with "They could come in bandy wIlea Yes, that's right White jumpsuits with rhinestones and spangles will boom we had the equipment we eight guys packed into one of those we open out Big.10 season. A big be the order of lhe day for all competitors. needed to get the job done." things. Ifonlymoreofus had taken place like this needs to be 6lled up When asked why the change to Elvis outfits, the Director of Race- Rumors had been circling lhe those driving classes." to give our players any home-field Walking Affairs here at Parkside, I, Walkfunny, said," To me, there is campus of an impending retaliation Reports from inside the Capi- advantage. And, we wae kind of nothing more exciting or challenging than a good walk. Except maybe a since the program received lhe axe tal Building say only Governor, debating on trading some oflhem brisk race-walk dressed like the King." by Athletic Director Pat Richter Tommy Thompson's office was for a new scoreboard." Although the idea to have race-walkers dress up as rock stars isn't a and the UW-Madison athletic spared from conversion. CasualtieswaesaidlObelislu, new one we think it's a good one. board. Initial reports had the team, "He pleaded with us to spare limited to a few groin pulls and Look what a similar idea did for lhe UW-Madison synchronized which earlier in the week seized theoffice.so wecuradeal with him hamstring pulls. swimming team did. They dressed like lhe Shirelles and more than military equipment from UW _ and put him in charge offood vend- It was also rumored thatGe ndoubled their attendance. Madison's ROTC program, rnov- ing. He promised he had some eral Norman H. Schwarzkopf, ,,!!!!!Good~~lu~ck~ra~ce-~W~alk~eiiirs:!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~1 ingagainstnorthem Wisconsin and connectionsthatwouldgetussome commander for Opemtioa D=t r. some Canadian provinces. But stadium secret sauce up here for Storm, was cheir IIIIll1ys iD !be head coach Steve Land cited our hot dogs," said assistant coach planning stages for what basbcea weather was a determining factor. Daryl Fuchs, who has been named dubbed 'Operation Sky DmIe'. "You think basebal1 weather Cheif of Concessions. Schwarzkopf was unmilIblc fir here is bad in March and April, "Heck, we need someone to comment Mudwrestling now the hit as baseball is dropped By JAMES NEEDSAKLUE Collllllllist So, you want to be a Sportswriter? Tough Break, The Ranger Sports staff does not need youl Good Luck. l'BM {R.!UIJl.er.9Ltlilete ffiWeek Scholar, A lete, "T" pursues excellence mM and the Ranger would like to salute inlmmural basketball star and Ranger letter to the editor writer Chris Toliver as our Athlete! Sportsman of the week. ' Chris was selected due to his outstanding sportsmanship and leadershipqualitiesintheLBA intramural basketball league and his informa- tive and facbtal writings displayed in our news· paper each week. Chris is currently averaging 16.6 ppg for lhe Funk (911), which is currently 7-1 and in fIrSt place in the Eastern Di- vision of the LBA. Toliver, the team's cap- tain and shooting guard, used his resourcefulness to recruit quite a formi. dable team for Ibis semester's action. Joe Martino. lhe starling power forward, is leading the league in scoring with a 33.33 ppg average. JenDaine Boyd, a red shirt for lhe Ranger Basketball squad is lhe teams #3 man and is 7lh in the league in scoring wilh a 24.14 ppg average. Inllddition to his athletic accomplishments, Chris has covered a wide range oflOpics in his weekly [ettelS/columns in the Ranger. Hisexcellent discretion in word choice in describing tough situations showed his true joumaIistic integrity and intelligence. So congratulations Mr. Toliver, for excellence on the court and orr. Keep op the good work. By BRAD LOHAUS Sports Writer On Friday March 29 the University of Wisconsin-Parkside Athletic Board once again met to discuss equality in men's and women's athletics. After nearly lhreehoursof diliberation lhe board finally decided to dropmen' s baseball, due to the drug charges which arefacingcoachRedOberbrunner, and add women's mud wrestling. . Why mud wrestling you ask? Well it seemed lhe logical choice considering UW-Parkside's geographic location and aValiblity of quality athletes. Chancellor Shelia Kaplan, herself a professional mud wrestler, has been named head coach. Ifeverything goes as planned ~-Parkside should be compet. mg next December in the NCAA Division n National Championships which are being held in Butte, Montana. According to coach Kaplan," Our girls can roll in lhe "Our girls can roll in the mud with the best of them." Chancellor Kaplan mud with the best of them." Although the entire team ros. ter has not been named yet, due to fears about preseason scouting, the Stranger has learned through confldenial sources that Erin Mc Dermott has been named team captian. When asbd aboat \beIC rumors McDermotlreplied,"1Id1 ya I'm WreslIing, I just bope !be sows don't pull the earioIOIIlof my nose. If they do I'D jusllcod Holly (Erickson) 10 _ dleirCII om" Student support fer die JIIIII has been incredible. 11Ie l)W. Parkside Women'sc:enwblseYCll started a fan club. Aa:cldiII8 ~ club president Teresa Raitldl*So Anyone interested in jdDiDI C8I pick up an applicatioD a1lbc Women'sCenter." The season will opc8()clObl1 2 with a march againstdIDUBPer' sityofGeorgia. A1IhotDe~ will be held at Baclt in 1'IRC IIId will begin at 7 p.m. SeaslII ~ are avalible through dID ::: deparment for $50 or $2 • charged at the door. AI1tJJit1iII price includes one rrecllil? I,I991 News Stranger, Page 9' - ......... ."", ... ~ ,,:;.. , ,,..J._ < .' . , I ! I I I ./ I // i New escalators to be installed in Molinaro Hall by Ken Shoe Elevator Activity Editor By the end of the Spring semester, new escalators will be installed in Molinaro Hall where the current elevator is located, announced Gary Getts, Assistant Chancellor for Student Transportation. The installation of an escalator was suggested after 17 slOdents were found stranded for over 7 hours below the D2 Level at 4:49 am on February 30 by Campus Police officers. "This is great", stated Bob Browsky. "Now I don't have 10 waste 9 of the 10 minutes between classes figuring out if the elevator is working or nOL" "This should decrease confusion", statedslUdentMark Delkson. "Now I can just go 10 the same place every time 10 get 10a different floor, and just walk up the escalator when it's not working." Chief Ozmannslci of Campus Police stated, 'This will save the university approximately $85,004.09 a year in labor costs related 10officers time used in rescue attempts." He later stated that 7 out of 10 rescue attempts are successful. / , , / .:(i' ! oroq ure] 01 SXNI Continued from Page 1 "Wipeout", and the ever-popular theme from the game show "Jeopardy". Featured in INXS will be Val Kilmer, who recently starred as Jim Morrison in "The Doors" movie. He will be replacing lead singer Michael Hutehence dUe 10a back injury Hutehence suffered in a brawl with Kilmer. Kilmer was quoted as saying, "No one is going 10 get in my way 10 play uw· Parkside. UW -Parkside isthe ultlmate, a perfect place 10 test the bounds of reality." Wbetherornot Meg Ryan, Kilmer's co-star, will be attending the concert will be up in the air, since she has no UWParkside ID. Tickers will go on sale at all Ticketron Outlets on Saturday morning April 6, at9 am. TIckets prices will be $69.69 and there ate only a limited number available. Shoe recently depleted the Ranger • revenue account 10purchase tick· ets for students and friends when he bribed them 10 vote for him during the PSGA elections, in whichhewasvicrorious. Thisevent will be sponsored by the Fraudu· lent Friends of Ken Shoe Foundation and the Parl<side Activities Board. All proceeds will go 10the Condom Come All Health Fund at Stodent Health Services. Homer new Chancellor CilntlDued from Page 1 ready at wcrItpuDing together new projects 10improve University life. Homer, who is 69 years old, has experienced the problems and headaches of being a student at his age. Homer's first project is 10 form anursing homeforthe elderly students here on campus. "It's tough. There's a lot of halls towalkandstairs toclimband bumps to take. Forming a nursing bome for students of my age on oampus. which will be something like the children's day care center, will help 10 eliminate Ihese problems. At our age we need tender lovin' care," said Horner. Changing the DomesticAbuse Law, geDing more young female workers in the Ivory Tower, and most importantly to receive his first college experience, are a few of many issues Homer will be attacking. ! I I --;;;:;;;:======~I~":"--~N:--ew=-:s--I-----Aad":;';;;';I='i!! "!!p,lWIO .. Kibbles and Bits .yZIppJIC ........ AWJDwbn'" Dppsblta Craig Simptilll, Edilor iJI OIiefandfiatc .. iu ..... dti player. wilJ lead die Po..... .eJp ofMalie cItII ill die IPriDI c:om_ IIICIIt c;emnmiee KDown ulbe "'PiedPipc:rciPlrbide".SimJ*jDs bas c:bosea "Yantee Doodle". and "Row. Row,Row Your Boat" in a llJPbisticallld tine pat canon and wilJconcludelbeperformancewith "Nobody ICDows die TroubJcTve seen". The ensemble will be eonducted by Professor Francis Bedford; Biology Lab assislants will enter their experimeutal "Sea Monkeys" colony ill a National (:ollegiale ~ contesL The aeatures Weill spawned in Petti dishes early in ll111W1JY and bave Oowished 10 number over 200. Assistants have effectively lagged and identified dlemajorily oftbese organisms Ihat Weill a fad of the !ale 70's and early SO·s. The students report an affection for them Hair-raising fataility occurs on campus by N.O. Mistake StalrSDOOP It was a cold dark night when UW·ParksidestudentDorothyPria met with a hairy ending in her apanment at die Residence Halls. Reports frooi campus police and Faye SclJouten indicated that "the OCCIIpIIIls of Ibis apal1JIIeIIt have bad a tendeuI:y illlbe Jl8Sl1O jump out of their windows in order 10 avoid being busted for underage drinking." Inorder 10 not receive the traditional bumps and bruises associ. ated with their three-SIOry fall,Pria andherroommares were incompetilion 10 grow their hair. At the time of die incident, their hair only reached 10 the window of the sec· oudstory .... lOleDlS(wherePria·S and two other roonunates' boy· friends IeSide). All actions in Ibis story, with lbe exception of the witness Slatemenls. are pun:ly cin:lIlIISlantial Simpkins before he broke his baroque and bave named several after The and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Simpsons, The Addams Family, Turtles. ideas from this snooper's own investigation. On the night of the incident, Pria was brushing her hairand conversing with her roommate. They got inlO a heated debale about whose hair was longer. Inorder 10 dccide the winner, they stood across the bedroom from each other and Pria tossed her hair 10 her room· mate who SIarted folding it (as one might fold a bedsheet), While doing this process. the phone rang. As Pria turDed 10 an· swer the phone, her roommate grabbed the rest of Pria's hair and wrapped it around her throat. She then appliedthoroughly Sp1ashhair spray 10 Pria's neck. PriaslrUggIed for about ten seconds and then flopped 10 the floor. Her last breath held the words. "I'll never know." Before calling campus police, Pria's roommate lOOk a scissors, cut Pria's hair 10 her waist and attaebed it 10 her own (forgetting that Pria's hair was black, not brown). While a professional police outliner camjl and cbalked the body. the officer on duly took the statement, "I didn't kill her. She forgot that SHE bad just put hair sprayon. Besides.looIcatus. Can't you tell which of us has the longer hair'l" Campus police cbalked the incident up 10 a misundersranding. The officer who lOOk the Slatement bad just come on duly from an eye appointmen. so his eyes were di· !aIed. He remarked. "I could see her breathing heavy and hear the emotion in her voice; Her hair WAS longer than Pria·s. Who can argue with logic like that?" Pria's roommate currently lives in a different apartment and can be found. quoting from Rapunzel She has given up wear. ing clothes as her hair amply cov. ers her body. "Why spend the monc;y 011 clothes when my hair is sufficient? If Eve could get away with it,why can 'tl?" tJW-PStudentEatsOwnFoot! grumble. he knew be had lO_ He unwtapped IOIIIe "Imobd. tudtey" and was about toclMi-elt downwhenheq '1iilI a smell "It smelled me II, feet after jogglua,' Ilea Slated poudIy. "M,doa, Bungos, always Iicb.., feet after Ijog. so I... ured they were lOOt! eadn' r 'yJim Needacom' Staff Columnists Ben Eatengood,l9. a Parksidestudent,survived a weekend of captivily in a UW.p refrigerator by eating his own foot for nourishmenL BeD EateDgood Aft« dinner was served, Ben. who works in lhe cefeteria, was putting away the daily surplus of rancid lunchmeat when he slipped and fell into the huge lunchmeat storage refrigerator. The doorslammedbehind him, leaving him trapped until breakfast today. Faced with eating the lunchmeatorstarving.Ben decided at first 10 starve, But as soon his stomach began to ache and Ben was riabL Be slipped off his shoe aDd bepa gnawing. By Monday mlll'lliDgBell hid eaten cJear up 10 his IIIIde. School Nurse Lois Lame IIIid, "He'sasmartlrid.lsmellDgladlle didn't eat that lunc1uneIIL T1IIt stuff is deadly." When asked bow be iDIaIdslO cope wilh his now digesIed foil, Ben said, "I'm gonna' CIMlIllll another one oul of chipped heef." ~..'...". . '.:- .... @?': ..::O':~'·~. , F '.••• € ." ..•.•• . ."',... '~L~199:':"'-J------ ---YF:;-e-a~tu-~e-----------:,--:-~, ' ~ .1' ~lranger, Page 11 otT the Cuff .,Moss A SpedaI RaDger called three McDonalds, worried that be might be an unidentified felon) is a pirate. HamburgJer is athief, and ihe gang's ring leader is a clown surrounded by "fry guys" and "dancing nuggets." PIus you can't forget Mayor McCheese. , Mayor McCheese is !he one I'm really ashamed of. Mayor McCheese, who can be found roamingaroundand cavortingwitb these playland hoods, iseven worse than Ronald. Imean, Ronald isjust a clown, but Mayor McCbeese ..• be's the Mayor of Playland! He should be setting a good example of bow our government operates, yetbeis in business day today,arm in arm, with this ruthless scum. (Then again,maybebeissetting an example of how our government operates.) And while we're on that subject I would 1ilce to know just bow Ronald ended up the leader of a pack like that. (Mayor McCheese must be a real push-over or starving to be paid off with food, and I Read the Stranger! think you can hear evidence of that in his name.) Doo't get me wroDg. I like my Big Mac more than anybody, but this is really warped. Is it any wonder why we and the youngergenerationsaretainted wi!h loonies, rebels, thieves, lazy bums, and kids with dangerously over-active imaginations? Could it be because we've been looking up to a clown who associates with a pirate, a burgler, a purple blob, and a corrupt Mayor accompanied by talking food? Wouldn't that shed some light on why people like Dan Quayle are in office today? (Did you know !hat when pictures were flashed in front of children they recognized good 01' Ronald faster than the members of !heir own family? Now that's influential power!) And I don't!hink Ronald bas a business negotiation problem either. Thatclownmusthaverenewed his conttaet several times over already. (Maybe they Ihreatened to name !he franchise "Grimace; or beuer yet "Burger Thing.". That wouldexplain why that purple Nob is so jolly in the commercials. He knows Ronald could lose it at anytime, in which case he would be the new star haunting T.V. "intermissions". And wby do they call commercial breaks galla break the rules; which directly reverts back to what I've been talklog about And talk about disappearing acts what's lbe deal wilb David Cassidy? You know, the guy who played lbe groovy Kenh Partridge • on the Partridge Family. He was boping to become a big rock star after the T.V. series ended. Well, he must have scored big with the Fairy Godmother because his wish fina1lycamelIUeacoupleofweeks ago. They were playing his stuff on the radio and he was a guest V J. on MTV, then all of a sudden, POOFI He vanished! Where did -be go? I can't say for sure, but maybe be and the "Burger King" are starting a new band, or maybe !he "Burger KIng" kidnapped Dave to start a restaurant chain that will make burgers out of partridge families. ThaI wouIdexplainwhy we haven 't heard from anybody else in that family. Well. whatever they're doing, hopefully it'S far away. "intennissions?" Why don't they just say, "We've got to IlIlce time out now to pay our bills well be back in a couple minutes.") But when you talk about McDonald's you have to talk about Burger King. Do you remember the old Burger King commercials? Do you remember the actual "BurgerKing?"Youknow,!heguy wi!h the long red hair, clad with more gold than L. L. Cool Jay. He used to tempt our tummies wi!h his fast food, cheap toys, and mindless magic tricks. Whatever happened to him? He just disappeared. And now Burger King's latestadvertising slogan is "Sometimes you just "AIthe new PSGA President, 1/", aN students absolutely ,,",,,ld nail the Stranger!" - Kenneth J. Schuh , (Db, wait a minute, you already are!) Stranger Eye. by Moss _ Going To the M~ij~s by Rodger Eabert, Jr. ~I don't know guys. I thtnk tt "teds • ltttle lemon ju1ce to .o'sten Ind .dd flavor.·' Clrgg.Moss • I=Stran=ge=r~.Page=12 L_-U-n-c-l-a-s-s-if-i-,e-d-.--JI---------:::!:ApriI~I~.I~ Beastie Boys & Girl. Thanks for letting us crash at your place. It was a blast. Rebel & Roach. -'" April 29 - Fredrickson v. Tyson April 30 - Fredrickson v. Roach .Suave - Keep lettin your fingers do the walking - Dance Floor. Judy- Will you marry us. ~ - The Boys. I , Lyons Says - Screw Tom & Roach - You went to Padre and all I got was a lousy poster. G & R - Anything you kids need to know just call5D. GT Lane. Judy - You can't have this watch. It has my name on it. All those who have mistaken a dishwasher for a urinal, raise your hand. :} The Love Shack - Now Red Shed - 5 Star Padre Award goes to Steve Turk for the fat girl - urinal award. I UNCLASSIFIED I I UNCLASSIFIED I Eric S.S. Johnson - How did you get that nickname S.S. in South Padre anyway? Tom. Date from HELL - Christian and Jill. H.C. - Next time I want toseechunks-Thinkyou can handle that. I want chunks. - T.K. Baulmer - Good Luck! Just min people - The guys at the shed. Nick B - Love Ya - The City Clubs Babes. Cory - Hulk who? Isn't he the same bald oldman. Mike Rohl is a rosy red rectum. WANTED-Meaningless Shack Party this weeksexual relationship with end. April Fools . any girl dead or alive- Suave Dragon Breath, buy some Scope before it's too late. Chicks don't dig bad breath, even ifthey're staring at you. WANTED- Used condoms for Kenosha Sperm Bank. Share the wealth. Call 654-9 10I. Gunny - Nice Budda Belly you got there. Jersey. Available for or usage: bodies of three young men, facilities provided. 63-shack group rate available. Tippy -Want your Dollar back, you know where to call. Mom- Roses are red, Violets are pink So grab my twinky and make it stink. -Pops Lecture in the Union: "How to Serve to Protect" brought to you by the . Los Angeles Police Department Call 555-LOVE for more info T Ibl<!m &If <Il) l]ll]l <!Sl~ V (fJ)m T<!lflfa .. will be signing copies of her new book: Paul Simon is Just a Balding Troll in the Ranger Office WLLC D139 at noon. Call 555-LOVE for more info. Cheap rates .Color-TV y.r.e.r..n'sJ H,'"Quse,0-f'oLve -rrr No More Carpet Burns Call 555-LOVE for more info Original Format The type of object, such as painting, sculpture, paper, photo, and additional data Newspaper Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Chancellor Kaplan resigns Issue X Series Number The series number of the original collection. 19 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Stranger, Volume 19, issue X, April 1, 1991 Description An account of the resource Chancellor Kaplan resigns Subject The topic of the resource Newspapers and periodicals Satire Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1991-04-01 Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English Type The nature or genre of the resource Text april fools' day chancellor sheila kaplan gary goetz satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/cc589ced566cd2b4d5c67ad860edce0e.jpg 166b45165ec636b76e5e7d10c22eee67 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Historic Images of Racine and Kenosha Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPMC024 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPMC024_0022 Title A name given to the resource The tugboat Anna Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Glass plate negatives Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1898 Subject The topic of the resource Michigan, Lake Tugboats Type The nature or genre of the resource Still Image Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/12ccb83d9cfcb9eb1dcfb58222aec714.jpg 0477408ac6218e91af6eae5e9f90ec46 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Historic Images of Racine and Kenosha Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPMC024 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPMC024_0033 Title A name given to the resource The U.S. Steamer Dorothea Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Glass plate negatives Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1901 Subject The topic of the resource Michigan, Lake Steamboats Type The nature or genre of the resource Still Image Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/78d7d49c61b8236a3fb43742b30d7b91.jpg 1350b0c3dded4d0dacc59ea63b306490 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Historic Images of Racine and Kenosha Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPMC024 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPMC024_0029 Title A name given to the resource The U.S.R.C. Morrill Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Glass plate negatives Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1900 Subject The topic of the resource Michigan, Lake Steamboats Type The nature or genre of the resource Still Image Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/6450aae50542ab601b870342ae5bebce.jpg b14e61c28c2db21dca72afebb89ff47e Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Historic Images of Racine and Kenosha Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPMC024 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPMC024_0030 Title A name given to the resource The U.S.R.C. Morrill, noon salute Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Glass plate negatives Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1900 Subject The topic of the resource Michigan, Lake Steamboats Type The nature or genre of the resource Still Image Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/337afe707b271fab7a73d205ff23a317.jpg 3ecf0ebcda2caa21e0d5fa934344941b Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Historic Images of Racine and Kenosha Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPMC024 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPMC024_0031 Title A name given to the resource The U.S.R.C. Morrill, noon salute Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Glass plate negatives Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1900 Subject The topic of the resource Michigan, Lake Steamboats Type The nature or genre of the resource Still Image Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System