290 10 4375 https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/d5f5459229495202428fa50f94fdf61b.jpg 61b807460432f44d89f7ff19baa2ae75 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Charles Nicholas Johnson Slide Collection Description An account of the resource Photographer and U.S. Army non-commissioned officer Charles Nicholas Johnson (1923-2005) was stationed in Tokyo from fall 1954 to September 1957. During this time he photographed color images, capturing everyday life in Japan, urban scenes, landscapes and representations of Japanese culture. The family of Charles Nicholas Johnson donated this collection of 260 slides to the archives in 2013. Many of the images were taken at Nikkō Tōshō-gū, a Shinto shrine established in 1617 to enshrine Tokugawa Ieyasu, the first shogun of the Tokugawa shogunate. For more information on Nikkō Tōshō-gū, please visit: <a href="http://www.toshogu.jp/english/">http://www.toshogu.jp/english/</a> Subject The topic of the resource Japan World war II Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1955-1957 Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Japan Creator An entity primarily responsible for making the resource Johnson, Charles Nicholas Source A related resource from which the described resource is derived UW-Parkside MC 036 Charles Nicholas Johnson Slide Collection Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Archives and Area Research Center Rights Holder A person or organization owning or managing rights over the resource. The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Oku-no-in Description An account of the resource Tokugawa Ieyasu's grave at Nikkō Tōshō-gū. Subject The topic of the resource Podiums Sculptures Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1955-1957 Type The nature or genre of the resource Still Image Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Color slide Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context MC036_066 Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Japan Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System Creator An entity primarily responsible for making the resource Johnson, Charles Nicholas Source A related resource from which the described resource is derived MC 036 Charles Nicholas Johnson Slide Collection statuary temples https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/ea3f398ff54767f5e7ba8fb8f79a5822.jpg 4c83166c2de6d96526735f203f574a57 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Photo Collection Description An account of the resource Photos documenting the history of UW-Parkside. Subject The topic of the resource History of Parkside Type The nature or genre of the resource Collection Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC002 Original Format The type of object, such as painting, sculpture, paper, photo, and additional data Black and white photograph Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPAC002_P_1513 Title A name given to the resource The Oriana Trio Description An account of the resource Eden Vaning, Harry Sturm, and Carol Bell from the Oriana Trio posing with a violin and cello. Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource undated Subject The topic of the resource University of Wisconsin-Parkside People Music Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System music people https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/52c00f76e02579cfc823e2c5252457ba.jpg ecb7b5f9d24e9d316b43ad3f0bddf46e Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Photo Collection Description An account of the resource Photos documenting the history of UW-Parkside. Subject The topic of the resource History of Parkside Type The nature or genre of the resource Collection Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC002 Original Format The type of object, such as painting, sculpture, paper, photo, and additional data Black and white photograph Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPAC002_P_1516 Title A name given to the resource The Oriana Trio Description An account of the resource Eden Vaning, Harry Sturm, and Carol Bell posing for a photograph. Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource undated Subject The topic of the resource University of Wisconsin-Parkside People Music Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System music people https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/9da8f25c067c59179861e65d998374ef.jpg 1025cf9de2986f8d77c336290525049a Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Photo Collection Description An account of the resource Photos documenting the history of UW-Parkside. Subject The topic of the resource History of Parkside Type The nature or genre of the resource Collection Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC002 Original Format The type of object, such as painting, sculpture, paper, photo, and additional data Black and white photograph Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPAC002_P_1527 Title A name given to the resource The Oriana Trio Description An account of the resource Ali Forough on violin, Michael Master on cello, and James Mckeever on piano. Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1984 Subject The topic of the resource University of Wisconsin-Parkside People Music Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System music people https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/c31a789603a1ed5d9a1a288015058677.jpg f4018c17ac17c9a27b4d395fa2e22add Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Charles Nicholas Johnson Slide Collection Description An account of the resource Photographer and U.S. Army non-commissioned officer Charles Nicholas Johnson (1923-2005) was stationed in Tokyo from fall 1954 to September 1957. During this time he photographed color images, capturing everyday life in Japan, urban scenes, landscapes and representations of Japanese culture. The family of Charles Nicholas Johnson donated this collection of 260 slides to the archives in 2013. Many of the images were taken at Nikkō Tōshō-gū, a Shinto shrine established in 1617 to enshrine Tokugawa Ieyasu, the first shogun of the Tokugawa shogunate. For more information on Nikkō Tōshō-gū, please visit: <a href="http://www.toshogu.jp/english/">http://www.toshogu.jp/english/</a> Subject The topic of the resource Japan World war II Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1955-1957 Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Japan Creator An entity primarily responsible for making the resource Johnson, Charles Nicholas Source A related resource from which the described resource is derived UW-Parkside MC 036 Charles Nicholas Johnson Slide Collection Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Archives and Area Research Center Rights Holder A person or organization owning or managing rights over the resource. The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The pagoda at Nikkō Tōshōgū Description An account of the resource The pagoda of Nikkō Tōshōgū. The “sculpted column” is part of a stone lantern. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1955-1957 Type The nature or genre of the resource Still Image Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Color slide Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context MC036_003 Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Japan Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System Creator An entity primarily responsible for making the resource Johnson, Charles Nicholas Source A related resource from which the described resource is derived MC 036 Charles Nicholas Johnson Slide Collection buildings temples https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/a7e6f0b104507d4b51e0ff97edb2584e.jpg 484c124c908a9da520e89e903306c0fc Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Daniel Klapproth World War II photographs and letters, 1939-1945 Description An account of the resource Personal papers of Daniel Klapproth, a Somers, Wisconsin, native who served in Panama and the United States during the Second World War. His photographs of the nature, people and towns in Panama provide a first-hand look into the life of a U.S. soldier in Panama in the 1940s. His letters, written to his mother, also provide insight into the mindset of a native Wisconsinite, experiencing foreign lands and people for the first time. Subject The topic of the resource World War, 1939-1945—Veterans Military Bases—New York, Panama, Texas, Mississippi Somers (Wis.)—History—Sources Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPMC045 Original Location Series, box, and folder number of original resource. UWP Manuscript Collection 045. Box 2, Folder 4 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPMC045_P_338 Title A name given to the resource The Panama Canal Club House in Balboa Description An account of the resource The entrance to a building. The text "Panama Canal Club House, Balboa" is seen above the entranceway. Type The nature or genre of the resource Still image Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Black and white photograph 3.5 x 2.5 in Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Balboa, Panama Subject The topic of the resource Buildings Roads Cities and towns Creator An entity primarily responsible for making the resource Daniel Klapproth Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/f1f46946bd7d88be11b53005ca5b9668.jpg 396706d98cbb87e3187ba21cc23d971d Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Photo Collection Description An account of the resource Photos documenting the history of UW-Parkside. Subject The topic of the resource History of Parkside Type The nature or genre of the resource Collection Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC002 Original Location Series, box, and folder number of original resource. UWP Archival Collection 02. Box 40 Folder 1 Original Format The type of object, such as painting, sculpture, paper, photo, and additional data Black and white photograph Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPAC002_P_0994 Title A name given to the resource The Parkside Baroque Players Description An account of the resource The Parkside Baroque Players gave concerts. The group consisted of, left to right, flutist Frank Suethols (Racine Unified School System), Frances Bedford (UW-Parkside) and cellist Henry Lants (UW-Parkside). Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1971 Subject The topic of the resource University of Wisconsin-Parkside Music Faculty Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System Type The nature or genre of the resource Still image faculty music https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/043bd8a6fa0bf4430e34efdc714cbeaa.pdf 3c2c933d9185a25d7603b165fea46d4e Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Issue Volume 1, issue 1 Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Stiff, Corpse, Longgone found lifeless in death Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document K The Parkside GRANGER Vol. 1 No. 1 April 1, 1976 Stiff, Corpse, Longgone found lifeless in death by The Belt Buckle Kid In separate incidences, three Parkside students were found dead on campus. Found were Ted Stiff, 22, Ralph Corpse, 19, and Patricia Longgone, 24. Each was found on campus, however, their deaths were shown to be unrelated. Ted Stiff was found underneath a hot dog couch, face up with his eyes and mouth wide open in main place. It took sheriff deputies quite some time to identify the body due to the fact that his pockets had been picked. The coroner surmised that the Stiff had been suffocated by the hot dog when it rolled on top of him. Ted Stiff's body was discovered by a night security guard when he tripped over Stiff's hand protruding out from under the couch. Ralph Corpse met his maker in the cafeteria when the youth apparently mistook a paperplate for a hamburger and choked to death. Corpse, who was eating alone at the time, was later found by a friend who tapped Corpse on the shoulder and knocked him on the floor. Corpse was taken to St. Guskin speaks on Affirmative action and stereotyping of minorities. Reaper takes toll Somer's Rescue Squad, but was dead on arrival. The last and final (aren't you glad) deceased person found on campus was Patricia Longgone. The coroner's report has shown that Miss Longgone had died of drowning. She had apparently pushed the button on the water fountain too hard and suffered water inhalation through her nose and mouth, filling her lungs, and causing the drowning. Several young male students tried mouth to mouth resuscitation on the 40-24-36 Miss Longgone, but after long and valliant efforts (and a couple of cops that pulled the guys off) it was found to be to no avail. This reporter would also like to report the deaths of several minds of students who have read this article all the way through. Anyone reading this story must have a sub-moron rating and will probably die of a nervous breakdown thinking that they are the next in this series of deaths. In any case, this forthright journalist would like to wish you all an interesting April Fools Day; and may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. Abolish death in our lifetime by George Papoon John "Grim" Reaper today announced his candidacy for the office of Undertaker for Kenosha County. The county includes the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, a notorious hang-out for deadbeats. When asked about this, Reaper, a noted mortician replied, "Business has never been betr ter." We interviewed Reaper at his campaign headquarters during the last full moon. Here is an expert from that interview. DeRanger: Mr. Reaper, why are you running for office? Reaper: Well, I see many problems for undertakers. We have strange hours. We work with the most mortifying aspect of the public. Worst of all, everyone acts like they're dead. DeRanger: Do you have any solution? Reaper: I'm glad you asked. My campaign slogan is "Abolish Death In Our Lifetime." That's just what I intend to do. DeRanger: How will this help? Reaper: This will solve many problems. It will save on cemetery space. But most important, it will eliminate America's number 1 killer, death. Death has robbed us of many of this country's most important people. Just look at the record. George Washington, Franklin Roosevelt, Jimi Hendrix, all dead. These were people who were important in the development of this country. And where are they now? Dead, that's where!! If they hadn't died, they would be alive today. DeRanger: How will you do this? Reaper: I will tax the life out of death. DeRanger: How can people help your campaign? Reaper: They can help by sending a financial contribution to "Friends of the Grim Reaper" Green Ridge Cemetery, P.O. Box 666 Hell, Michigan. Or they can volunteer their services any full moon between the hours of midnight and sunrise. Or, they can send any dear departed loved one to our campaign headquarters. It gets so lonely in that coffin during the slow periods. DeRanger: Thank you, Grim Reaper for this interesting discussion. Mr. Reaper, please put down that axe! Why do you have that crazed look in your eye? Mr. Reaper? Mr. Reap Excrement: A royal flush at UWP excrement can be broken down into a usable energy source, preferably a fuel for automobiles. They have thus far estimated that for every gallon of fuel synthesized, they must process five hundred twenty seven pounds of waste. For the great amount of raw material needed, several of the young scientists have been soliciting for donations in the Main Concourse. Says Steve Arsen, one of those collectors, "We've gotten phenomenal results. The stuff's practically being flung at us. I don't know where we're going to put it all." Up until now, the faculty offices continued on page 2 by Bill Barke By May, anyone who neglects to wear a good pair of galoshes in the upper levels of Greenquist Hall will find themselves wiping their feet quite often. Those who do not own galoshes are advised to bring a shovel. Students of Biology have themselves up to their teeth in human waste and could not be happier about it. Susan Gifford, a Life Science major exclaims, "I didn't think I could do it, but after the first baggie full, it got easier." Susan refers to a department-wide experiment being performed by Life Science students in which they will determine that human z 9Z6i 'i iwdv aaoNvaaa aaisaavd 3Hi UW-Parkside DeRANGER Corruption rules the rag EDITORIAL-OPINION Ranger relates to mission In our last editorial, we would like to vehemently ^oppose the Chancellor's decision to phase out Ranger Since we did not feel that moving our office underneath Kenosha's 6th Avenue bridge would further the Chancellor's community outreach program, he decided to begin phase out procedures on Ranger last week. It h as been rather difficult for us'working out of the quarters we share with former Dean Moy on the D2 level of t he Phy. Ed. Building, but we will continue to try to bring students the most complete news coverage possible. We recently got a hot tip that the price of jock straps is due to rise dramatically though their average size has suspiciously been decreasing. With regard to our present situtaion, Ranger would like to inform students that although the Chancellor contends that we do not relate to Parkside's industrial mission, we have done everything within our power to do so. For instance, Ranger has constantly maintained a sizable debt thus attempting to relate to area business. We've made several covert assasination attempts on high university officials wnicn were purposely botched up in order to promote our society's conception of fair play. We've even attempted to make our staff more representative of the changing social order in the modern industrial society bv recruiting several people whose sexual preferences run a little to the left off kinky, beer junky who occasionally gets into our photographic chemicals and an experienced extortionist who is amazingly adept at collecting our overdue accounts. We believe we've been unfairly judged by the Chancellor and demand a second chance. The new Ranger In The Modern Industrial Society would include among other things, a column written by the former Tidybol man entitled "What A Parkside Diploma Can Do For You!", a weekly feature series describing in detail "that special relationship" which certain faculty members have with certain Parkside students and timely quotations on the going price of cocaine. We have confidence that we can undergo this transition, however, we also had confidence in Richard Nixon and the Faculty Senate. It's all a commie plot TO THE EDITOR: I have heard about all i can stand on the subject of our responsibility towards those deranged commie mudgets we call today's high school students! Who the hell do they think they are anyway by passing the buck on us and blaming us for their lack of e ducation? What do they want, education or good learning? Anybody can learn anything anywhere. It doesn't matter what the place looks like or who the hell teaches it! If they want to learn they will! Don't tell me, i know! i went to high school and we learned the important things like 1+1- , well we learned other things two. We learned to respect our elders or we got beat up! Now they say they want to be respected two! Why you have to be a person to earn respect! Those animals! And when a teacher says that something is right, well that means it's right. In my day helping another kid was called cheating, now they call it cooperation. How do we expect our kids to live in OUR world? Competition is the only way! Pure and simple, it's the American way! Why, do you know that yesterday a teacher told my son he was wrong and a girl's answer was right? Can you believe that? A girl, smarter than my son! Why, my son has a I.Q. of 125! That means that someday he'll be president, or even better, a foreman like his old man! In my day we learned important things in school. Now they want to brainwash kids with that junk they call art. Not my son, no sir! i learned all about that brat Hamlet that that fag Shakeashere wrote about. Yeh, i remember how that brat murdered his saintly uncle while he was strung out on some commie drug with his hippy friends! I you want art why don't these kids watch my television The ParksideDeRANGER (EDITOR IN CHEF: Ma Sips (CO-NUDE EDITORS: Mike UP Michelangelo Paleolithic rEETSURE EDITOR: Buiseppe Andersen 1NTAGE EDITOR: reality swanky 5PURT EDIOTR: Jaque Short |HUSTLING MANAGER: Gunga Din. )VERSING MANAGER: Geraldo Earl Ferccini JROPE ROOM COORDINATOR: Trapper Mike |BANKRUPT MANAGER: How Many Pages RIGHTERS: jeffrey j. swencki, Bruce Wagner, Terry Maraccini, Terri Gayhart, Thomas S. Heinz, Cathy Brnak, Bill Barke, Thorn lAiello. JWRONGERS: Chancellor Guskin, The Saga Shop, COP, Security, JPSGA, Contemporary Music, Death, Life, Bicentennial, Herbert Kubly, Dinning Out, Presidential Campaigns, Advice Columns, j Research Monies, Student organizations and the entire RANGER | staff. J PORNOGRAPHERS: Trapper SnapperNapper; Gay Heart the Belt programs? Then they'll learn art, like how to stalk that most dangerous of all wild monsters, the white tailed dear! They'll learn how to blast his commie brains out! No, now they want to go see fag movies like that Romeo and his whore Juliet. Why, those too punks were nothing but cowards trying to mess up a perfectly good feud they had no buisness in! Yellow bellied bastards! i'll bet they had slanted eyes two. And now they want to pass the buck on us for bussing two! Anyone can learn anything tne neii ao 1 care wnere tney gv. » know my Lenny will never touch those commie drugs those commie teachers are feeding them. Just as long as he doesn't go with those, what you call your, miniorites. Commies that's what they are! Ain't that right? IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT, except my Lenny's! signed, a REAL CHRISTIAN and loving Parent Ant-i matter TO THE EDITOR, I am very disappointed by the failure of your paper to cover the recent Ant Colony Collectors Convention which was held at UW-P. I am really bugged by the lack of coverage because you were sent a news bulletin about a week ago (I think). The Parkside Community missed the cultural event of the season. Our guest speaker was Professor Marble Green, Doctor of Ant-ropology. Numerous types of ants were on display. Black ants, brown ants, red ants, all with Chinese ant-cestory were there along with Ant Sophie, Ant Elaine, Ant Jemima, Ant Jeannine, and a milit-ant for the IRA. It would have been to your antvantage to have attended. an ant-agonized ant-I-Lover continued from page 1 "The sun coming in those big windows would dry it all out," explains Steve, "And the material we need has to be moist and soft." John Scheisen, the faculty advisor is pleased with the students' progress and keeps in phone contact with them from his new office in the Physical Plant. "I try to keep my nose out of their business," he said. "I'm sure they have their hands full." Scheisen did, however, express some fear that the appropriation may be cut off before the experiment is finished, which would leave a question as to what to do with fifteen tons of excess excrement. Vets get untreed The annual tree plant by the UW-P Vets Club has been cancelled this ,year when it was uncovered that this year's trees were to be rubber trees. According to UW Security cadet P.I. Grope and Chancier Gooseskin, "There will be no contraceptive devices sold on this campus." Buffalo chips 1 April 1776 BISON-TENNIAL NOTE Two hundred years ago today a little known'but in-famous event took place somewhere east of Obscene, Wisconsin which was to be lost in the anals of history. It was duped with the brave name THE BATTLE OF YELLOW SNOW. A detachment of Marines (very detached) came across a watermelon patch during a blinding snow storm, and a lack of can openers for their C-rations. The patch was heavily guarded by a flock of Red Coats, no soldiers-just red coats. Since both sides' flags had been encrusted with snow each thought the other had surrendered. They joined in a thanksgiving feast and gorged themselves on ale soaked watermelon till their bladders SNOWhenCethe name THE BATTLE 0F YELLOW And that's the way it was, two hundred years ago. These Bison-tennial minutes have been brought to you by the UW-P urinology department. DON'T ASK BILL by Bill Barke Dear Bill: A very good friend of mine approached me the other niaht at a restaurant where I was having supper with my best girl just before a IKavy d ate He told me was thinking of committing suicide and pleaded with me to talk to him. Bill, he's a great guy, and it's a gas to chum around with him, but I was really put off b y this morbid disnlav He was nearly sobbing, and it made me very uncomfortable so T politely but firmly told him to get lost, and remarked in no uncertain terms how annoyed I felt about his ill-mannered intrusion into mv socia life. My girl later told me that it almost ruined her evening but I didn't think it was that serious. I felt that I did the right thing to sending that clown on his way, but what if he persists? -Faithful but Firm Friend Dear Faithful: I certainly think you did the right thing, and it is apparent to me that your friend needs a lesson in social etiquette. His rude behavior is simply a sign of immaturity. Your verbal reprimand sounds delightful. Keep it up and maybe you'll get through to this character Also, if your girl is still disturbed about the incident, tell her the guy is a queer or something. That should explain his crude performance in front of her. Dear Mr. Barke, How is a girl supposed to tell her boyfriend that she's sick of his constant pawing, and vulgar gestures (which would be obvious to anyone) at all hours of the day and in all manner of company? -Manhandled Dear Manhandled: I give up. How? Dear Bill, I've read your column many times and never thought I'd write to you myse lf, but I'm desperate. I'm sick of living. I guess that's as simple as I can make it. I am utterly depressed most of the time, and I don't know where to turn. I pray every night to keep my sanity but I can feel my mind going. I feel as though even God has abandoned me. Please answer my letter promptly, Bill. Give me some advice. You're one of my last hopes. I have only one other friend who I really depend on otherwise. If y ou don't help me, he probably could, though I don't know if I have the guts to face him. Help me, Bill, because if he doesn't understand my problem, I may snuff it for good. -Lost Dear Lost: I got your letter a month ago, and have done some serious thinking. You ask for a solution "promptly," but your problem can't be solved in a moment's time. Look, you shouldn't be so down. Be happy. Life is too short. We all have blessings to be counted. Think about that. By the way, you didn't tell me if y ou are an alcoholic or not. If y ou are, I would suggest that you look into Al-Anon. peace Wwvyvwwww^wflAwvwwMmwwvw 9Z6i 'i iudv aaoNvaaa aaisaavd 3H± Z Prevents Wednesday, March 31 Oldman Center: a pornography reading sponsored by the Parkside Pagan Fellowship at 2 a.m. Movie: "Shallow Thrust" 3 p.m. in SAB. Thursday, April 1 Main Place: The finals of the national wheelchair race will be held. The pacechair will be driven by George Wall-ace. Movie: "The Devil in Miss Jones" at 3 p.m. in the SAB. Also to be shown in Ch ancer Gooseskin's office by invitation only. Friday, April 2 Skuller: A milk drinking contest sponsored by student farmers. Cows will be furnished by Sunny Brook Farm. Contest begins at 4 p.m. and the utter winners will be announced. CAT Theater: Lecture; "The Fine Art of Riot Control" given by the Chicago 7. at 7, Admission is a buck $2.80. Saturday, April 3 Theater: An original play by Hurburt Cuply. "It Was," A one man play starring Huburt Cuply. Admission free at 2. Sunday, April 4 Theater: Huburt Cuply tries it again. Free all day, night, etc. Monday, April 5 Deranger Office: Deranger staff will judge the entries for the Bisontennial contest. First prize will be a free Bison. Tuesday, April 6 Hashish sale: sponsored by Parkside Students for a Greener America. Over the concourse all day, night, tomorrow. Main Place: Frisbee throwing contest using soggy burgers at 3 p.m. Loser must eat burgers used. VWWWVWVWWfWVWAWiW Sa Ga serves edibles Due to the high cost of sawdust, rodent hairs, and non-recycleable paper the food service will begin using beef fillers in their hamburgers. "I know it will be hard on our customers for a while but they will just have to 'bite the bullet'." commented manager Sa Ga Burgomaster. "But we will try to make it easier by adding lead to the paper mache buns," he added while pouring more kerosene into the french-fry grease. Classifieds FOUND: One pound of grass. Owner need not identify, or claim. SEEKING EMPLOYMENT: Three professors, ex friends of the Chancellor. FOR SALE (CHEAP): One slightly used DERANGER Editor. She h as no arms, no legs, but she walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. Live Rock on Friday and Saturday Nights "Back by popular demand. Paramount recording artists' at the Back Door Racine Motor Inn's New The Action Spot (formerly Sack the Great Lakes Room) • Foosball Tables • Drinking and Dancing Doors Open 7:00 Music starts 8:30 '1.00 Cover 633-3551 6th at Main R A C I N E ^^JVIOTOR INN HITCH-HIKING PERMITTED!!! ...anything it takes to truck on over to London Colour... Planning Spring Portraits? Call on London now for creativity in photography...outdoors or in In Kenosha COP terminated In an unprecedented move last night .Chancer Guskin arm wrestled the entire COP staff. This was done following a proposal and heated discussion that arm wrestling does not hold enough interest to be offered as a major within the School of Modern Industry. s "It was as simple as shaking hands," Guskin commented while signing termination papers for the three COP members who beat him. fr 9Z6i 'i iudv aaoNvaaa 3ais>iavd B HI Hell, no c's ZJL ' VxjjL, 4 RETRACT yearly from student government by Guiseppe Bartholomew Due to the instant success of o ur trip to Kansas City, we are now sponsoring a trip around the world for those students who wish to go along with the president, the senate, and the work-study help. It will only cost $40 for the bus, and most expenses will be paid. If anyone wishes to join the travel center committee, he can sign up at the SPAG office, Wyllie 18 No., and turn in 95 signatures of those students who want to go along on the trips to be sponsored by the SPAG travel center. In case you weren't around or in Marrakesh at the time, the members of SPAG are now not available at the following times: MON. 9-9; TUES. 9-12; WED. 8-7; THURS. 8-7; and FRI 94. See our secretary in the SPAG office Wyllie 18 No. if you're lucky to find her in at all, to make an appointment to see anyone of us. Burnt jive live "Amazing," I said as I finished listening to side one of Kissween Live. I mean like wow! this music is really together and they're a new band! So I flipped over the album and mazed the volume on may Z'yre's complete home stereo system. As the music stunned my senses, I began wondering what gives Kisswueen that really heavy English sound? So I checked out the album and discovered that 3 out of the 4 musicians were British Va Wow! that took a load off my mind, so I just settled back and started diggin' the tunes again. Listening intently to the guitarist, I then realized why I liked side two better than side one. The guitarist was playing five chords instead of four! I mean like this dude is really cookin' and he's only been playing four years, as he is the youngest member of the band. Oh Yeah, the band since I'm a reviewer, I'm supposed to give you the stats. On drums, the man himself, Lenny Ludwig, his schooling in the art ranging from his high school concert band to the Tenth Avenue Drum and Bugle Corp in which he played lead roll. The keyboard man is Mickey (Mooged out) Ganja, a laid back dude who floated into the band and is still floating. I've heard through the music grapeline that all he says to anybody who approaches him is "Light up or leave," a true extrovert displayed through his intricate life style. The bit bass player, Stanley (Peruvian Flake) Snow, basically just hangs out and writes a lot of the songs, including "Just on Toast," and Muffling Sin diver," two excellent cuts as they're titles depict. Last but not least, Juan (Wiz) Snort, imported from Columbia for undisclosed reasons, brining many connections from the South American circuit with him. I've heard that his talent comes from having fried out inner nostrils resulting in the loss of smell, therefore possessing a high concentration of e ar power. Yes, yes, indeed this seems to be the band of revolutionary means in the world of music. Four highly established musicians combining their talents for remarkably loud album. You might say, they all spoon out of the same bowl at breakfast (lunch and dinner). But why do I dig on them so much? I keep asking myself this question brushing away the cobwebs of my mind. What class of music should I shelve them in? Possibly Kiss, maybe Sweet, no, I'll bet on Queen. I've always got off on cares anyway. If you would like to become a groupie, send applications to: Gertrude Ganaranga, sypheleticy Blvd., N.Y., NY 00189. All applications must show proof that you have aone mutated strain of V.S.D. And I thank you dear people who read this for now you are warped too. Terminated alphabet-- Jocks sacked or faculty in the soup nATRT.TNF.. Anril 1st - * AND A LARGE SELECTION OF WESTERN SHIRTS AT DATELINE- April 1st Parkside Ranger News Service - There is great speculation today that the masterminds of Parkside's highly successful basketball program, namely head coach Steve Stephens and assistant coach Rudy Collum, are leaving Parkside, effective at the end of this semester. Both, reportedly, are headed for Tulane University in New Orleans, La. Tulane's former coach, Charlie Moir, resigned so he could take the coaching job at Virginia Tech, replacing Don DeVoe. Stephens has been the mentor at Parkside since the basketball program began. This past season his club made it to .the NAIA Nationals in Kansas City, Mo. for the second straight year, compiling a 24-7 r ecord. Asked about the possible defection, Stephens said, "I'd have to give great consideration to the Tulane offer. It's a fine school, a nice area to live, and the people I've talked with are very nice. Also, I'm a bit concerned about a few of the developments here." The last statement by Stephens apparently was in reference to the fact that the University of Wisconsin in Madison hired *the first blck head coach in Big Ten history. Under former coach John Powless, Wisconsin failed to attract good black players at a consistent rate. Bill Cofield, the new coach there, is expected to pick-up recruiting of black athletes, from areas like Chicago. Previously, such areas have been a gold-mine of talent for Parkside. The competition in recruiting from Parkside's "big brother" school could hamper Ranger prospects. Although no names have been mentioned yet as to a possible replacement, should Stephens and Collum leave, a source close to athletic department brass said, "It wouldn't be a bit surprising to see a coach picked who will try to heavily recruit strong, white players and more area players for the fans to relate to. The evential 'goal' would be to have teams on a par with other state schools like Eau Claire, Platteville, and such." Those schools, it should be noted, make a habit of using predominately white ballplayers. The source, in this exclusive statement, told Ranger: "These actions, if implemented, would not be to shun the balck athlete. It just stands to reason that Madison now will attain the type of ath lete Parkside has recruited in the past. After all, it's embarrassing for a huge campus like that to have an inferior team to one of its small, young campuses." So...right now Parkisde is hoping to retain its present staff and try to recruit as close to normal as possible. The past successes are an asset, as would be Gary Cole getting drafted high by the pros. But, only time will tell what happens next. .When contacted later today, Parkside's athletic director, Dr. Wayne Dannehl, said, "This will all pass over by tomorrow I think. After all, this is April Fool's Day!" That comment has been confirmed by this article. Finally, Sports Information Director (SID) Don Ko-riva commented, "I'm glad to say I didn't send out releases on this rumored report. I'd be one redfaced SID!" As we were walking along the concourse last week, a disguised member of o ur distinguished administration handed us this work of a rt. On it w as the following; THESE ARE THE FACULTY RUMORED TO BE TERMINATED: Amin, Omar Ammann, Richard Balsano, Richard Barone, David Beach, David Bedford, Frances Bedford, Emmett Beetham, Sam Behroozi, Feredoon Bell, Carol Bell, Tim othy It went on like that until about 150-200 names of faculty covered the canva s. We didn't know what was going on until we read the last ah, name on the sheet Fool, April ! Where does she teach? Is this another withheld bit of informa tion? (I thought I saw another person skulking around the Communication Arts Building during strange hours.) "CONVERSATIONS FROM WINGSPREAD" Peabody Award Programs Sundays, 8:05 p.m. WRJN - AM - 1400 April 4 The United States & Europe April 11 Preserving Our Heritage (Wisconsin) April 18 The American Indian & His Heritage April 25 United States - China Relations |(tapes of previous programs available at Wyllie Learning Center D-177) P.A.B. Film Series Presents "MEL BROOKS'COMIC MASTERPIECE? - Hollis Alpert. SATURDAY REVIEW Thurs. April 1 . 7:30 pm S.A.B. Fri. April 2 - 8:00 pm S.A.B. Sun. April 4 - 7:30 pm S.A.B. Admission *1.00 Beer will be served Parkside & Wise, Id's Required Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Parkside DeRanger, Volume 1, issue 1, April 1, 1976 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1976-04-01 Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Language A language of the resource English Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System chancellor alan guskin satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/caf203e263c0abedde92b1ba6dcfa799.pdf 4ecf75e9c2e7aa6f37410561e175ec48 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Text Any textual data included in the document Methods laid out Birth control balled up The staff members at the DeRanger have been asked for equal time for the articles that have been printed about Plant Parenthood. So here are "Some Methods of Birth c:ontrol that the Noble One missed. \. Chastity belts - Chastity belts could be sold at reduced rate for students under the age of 19 and over the age of 6. 2.Tie it in a knot. No explanation necessary. 3. Use Elmer's Glue All as a douche. (Better yet, super Glue) 4. Castration. , 5. Make sure one of you is dead. 6. Leaving your clothes on. 7. Keeping a thick quilt or lead shielding between the two bodies. 8.Do it with a partner of the same sex. 9. Attempt intercourse only while exceeding the speed limit driving down 1-94the wrong way. , I 9161 'li J&qwaAON~3~NY~aa 3a1S)l~Yd 3H~ A number of students atrempt , various ('ontrnl method« "lJl!~f'..t'f"d h" nf"RttntJf"r. birth SPECIALLY FOR WOMEN \. Only go out with abortionists. 2. Before going on a date, put a broken popbottle in your private parts. SPECIALLY FOR MEN \. Put your balls in a baggie and ziploc it. 2. At the last minute, replace penis with large toe. EPILOGUE These methods are tired and true and guaranteed to prevent impregnation. For further information, call 632-0091anytime for advice. However, some of these methods are considered illegal by your local authorities and the FBI. Now that we have a president committed to legal "shacking up" and just general screwing around, the. federal laws will soon change. Lost student found by SheidoD Duagbone A fonner Parkside student who has been mIsslng since 1973was found today by the campus security force purely by mistake. . A spokesman for the security force said a division involved in a combination parking ticket raid and search for a pair of tbe Chancellor's office ad· ~enturers were combing the woods just south of Main Place when one of them stumbled upon a man ,lothed in bucksin rags sitting in front of a crude shelter. Alter sharp questioning the officers discovered that they hlld found Mr. William Bunion, who was last seen 3 years ago just before setting off on foot from Greenquist Hall to his car which was located in the East Parking Lot. Mr. Bunion plans to return to Parkside after he is over the shock of re-entering society. When asked by this reporter if he will every again park his car in the East Parking Lot, Mr. Bunion replied "What is a car?" It was learned later by this reporter that Mr. Bunion was refused admission to the school because of his inability to remember what a car is. No one was available for comment. TheParkside------------- DeRANGER Vol. V No. 2 Wedne.d,,~. 'io\ember 17. 1976 UJJZP tastes Saga tragedy brutal enterprise, Champoop explained, "Well, we were going to keep it hushed until next semester when a proposed cutback in financial aid is to occur. in which case the surprise would definitely be in our favor. Look, if you have time I'll explain the whole thing. Sit down and have one of our 250 pounders with cheese." Butch Br inernan, of the security force, who led the raid, reported that four men and a woman were arrested following a brief scuffle in the cold storage and outer offices over what appeared to be a piece of evidence but was later confirmed as a pork chop. The four men were identified as Sydney Dowd, 38, Buddy Niechowicz, 26, and Earl "JayBob" Rivers, 50 all cafeteria cooks, and Rudy Sump, 29; a hair stylist from Racine. The woman, Eve Skwatlow, 32, was an admitted voyeur from Waukegan, Illinois. Brineman explained that his department's actions were based purely on suspicion after ..one of -e his men, while eating in the [" cafeteria, discovered a 1974 .' Tremper High School class ring in his Ranger Burger, while an ~ anonymous chancellor reported ;' finding a contact lens on his ~ chicken sandwich. "Other than those two incidents, nothing has been reported, which seems odd," Brineman said. ..But you by Fraiser Stetsonevski In a dramatic early morning. raid on the Saga Food Service's cold storage unit last Friday, the Campus Security Police and several vigilante PSGA members found the gruesome remains of' six fonner Parkside drop-outs suspended from the ceiling in positions which suggest their ultimate fate as processed food. Though an intense investigation for tacts to support that conclusion is still underway, Peter Champoop, a cafeteria worker whose job is to prepare cold-cuts and hot sandwiches confessed that he was aware of tbe atrocity but refused to accept full credit for its inception: "I wish I had dreamed this up," he stated. "We may never have a shortage again!" When asked why he never came forward to expose the USDA in8peclor Clyde B~gllie.... review8 the inud~-' qu~te eondition8 or the SOIliOcold 810r"lIe umt, know these college kids. They'd eat just about anything." A sense of loss and helpless anger has pervaded the school since the atrocity was discovered. :1/ one expected that euch an outrage could be cornmitted at this quiet, rural !n· stitution. "Things just won't be the same," reflected Larry Flank, a sophomore. "It looks like I'll have to go back to bringing a bag lunch." The PSG A members who participated in the raid as the arche-typal hysterical mob whichs had nearly taken the law into their own hands, seemed stunned at the fate of their fellow' students. said senator Jim Lobomeire, 19, "We could have at least held off on the raid until those poor guys had been marinated or rolled in breadcrwnbs. Anything but this! Hell, I knew a few of them personally and I can tell you with a straight face that not less than three of tbem wanted to go as deep-fried crullers." Another senator, Jean Rabbid, sadly remarked, "It's all such a waste! Imean, they haven't even passed inspection yet!" Following the notification of relatives, funerals for the deceased will be held at their respective churches, their times yet to be announced, with a wake afterwards for the entire group in the Union cafeteria. Duo vanished by Jerimiah Johnson Two Parkside students have been reported missing since last Friday afternoon after making a seemingly harmless bet with several fellow students as to whether or not they would be able to locate the Chancellor's office. Reported as missing to the Kenosha police were Richard Magellan, 21, of Racine, and Robert Polo, 20, of Kenosha. Both are history majors at Parkside. A friend of the pair said that he and another companion were silting 10 the Union with the two last Friday when Magellan began boasting that he was not afraid to try to locate the office regardless of the rwnors about barricades and guard dogs. After some preparation. the duo set out on their trek equipped with a tent, nashllght, sterno stove, ropes, and other survival equipment, and have not been seen nor heard from since. The Chancellor was not available for comment. Wargamers cited by Adolph PatloD Campus Security Police searched for six Parkside students missing since mid· semester after dropping their classes Campus Pollee discovered on saturday a homemade bomb shelter. three nuclear warheads, an inunense arsenal of ground combat equipment, and a World War n half.track in the 0-2 level of Greenquist Hall. After an initial investigation, the P.arkside Wargamers were ci ted by the Kenosha Fire Department for neglecting Fire safety Regulations, and blocking fire lanes . The Wargamers were also given citations fOl' malicious destruction of' private property after they dug forty-nine trenches on the east campus lawn and barb-wired the Library ~ center. Methods laid out Birth control balled up The staff members at the DeRanger have been asked for equal time for the articles that have been printed about Plant Parenthood. So here are "Some Methods of Birth Control that the Noble One missed. l. Chastity belts - Chastity belts could be sold at reduced rate for students under the age of 19 and over the age of 6. l 9L6l 'LL .1aqwaA0N H3~N'tHao 3O1S>CH'td 3H.l Lost student found by Sb ldoo Dungbors A former Parkside student who has been missing since 1973 was found today by the campus ecurity force purely by mistake. • A spokesman for the ecurity force said a division involved in a combination parking ticket raid and 2. Tie it in a knot. No explanation necessary. 3. Use Elmer's Glue All as a douche. ( Better yet, Super Glue) A number of students attempt _ ,:ariou!o, c·ontrnl methorl" .. .,~~t>-ted h, Jl.-Rnnuf>r. birth search for a pair of the Chancellor's office adventurers were combing the woods just outh of ~fain Place when one of them stumbled upon a man xlothed in bucksin rags sitting in front of a crude shelter. After sharp questioning the officers discovered Lliat they h~d found tr. William Bunion, who wa last seen 3 years ago just before setting off on foot from Greenquist Hall to his car which was located in the East Parking Lot. 4. Castration. 5. Make sure one of you is dead. 6. Leaving your clothes on. SPECIALLY FOR WOMEN 1. Only go c,ut with abortionists. 7. Keeping a thick quilt or lead shielding between the two bodies. 8. Do it with a partner of the same sex. !I. Attempt intercourse only while exceeding the speed limit driving down 1-94 the wrong way. 2. Before going on a date, put a broken popbottle in your private parts. SPECIALLY FOR MEN 1. Put your balls ma baggie and ziploc it. 2. At the last minute, replace penis with large toe. EPILOGUE Mr. Bunion plans to return to Parkside after h is over the shock of re-entering society. \\'hen asked by this reporter if he will every again park his car In the East Parking Lot, Mr. Bunion replied "What i a car?" These methods are tired and true and guaranteed to prevent impregnation. For further information, call 632-0091 anytime for advice. It was learned later by this reporter that tr. However, some of these methods are considered illegal by your local authorities and the FBI. ~ow that we have a president committed to legal ·'shacking up" and just general screwing around, the_ federal laws will soon change. Bunion was refused admission to the school becau of his inability to remember what a car i . No one was available for comment. The Parkside------------ DeR ANGER Vol. \" ~o. 2 \\edne .. da~. ~OH~mber 17. 1976 UW-P tastes Saga tragedy by Fraiser Stetsonevski In a dramatic early morning. raid on the Saga Food Service's cold storage unit last Friday, the Campus Security Police and several vigilante PSGA members found the gruesome remains of six former Parkside drop-outs suspended from the ceiling in positions which suggest their ultimate fate as processed food. Though an intense investigation tor tacts to support that conclusion is still underway, Peter Champoop, a cafeteria worker whose job is to prepare cold-cuts and hot sandwiches confessed that he was aware of the atrocity but refused to accept full credit for its inception." "I wish I had dreamed this up,'' he stated. "We may never have a shortage again!" When asked why he never came forward to expose the USDA inspector Clyde Buggers reviews the inttd~ - · quate conditions of the Saga cold storage untt. brutal enterprise, Champoop ·E'xplained. ··Well, we were going to keep it hushed until next semester when a proposed cutback in financial aid is to occur, in which case the surprise would rlefinitely be in our favor. Look, if you have time l'il explain the whole thing. Sit down and have one of our 250 pounders with cheese." Butch Brineman, of the Security force, who led the raid, reported that four men and a woman were arrested following a brief scuffle in the cold storage and outer offices over what appeared to be a piece of evidence but was later confirmed as a pork chop. The four men were identified as Sydney Dowd, 38, Buddy Niechowicz, 26, and Earl '"JayBob" Rivers, 50 all cafeteria cooks, and Rudy Sump, W, a hair stylist from Racine. The woman, Eve Skwatlow, 32, was an admitted voyeur from Waukegan, Illinois. Brineman explained that his department's actions were based purely on suspicion after ..one of his men, while eating in the cafeteria, discovered a · 1974 Tremper High School class ring in his Ranger Burger, while an _ anonymous chancellor reported finding a contact lens on his ;!. chicken sandwich. "Other than . those two incidents, nothing has been reported, which seems odJ," Brineman said. ··But you know these college kids. The_ "d eat just about anything." A sense of lo.:s and help! s. anger has pervaded the chool since the atrocity wa .. discovered .. • enc C!-.-pected that ~uch an outrage could be <'Ommitted at this quiet, rural institution. "Things just won't be the same," reflected Larry Flank. a sophomore. ··It looks like 1"11 have to go back to bringing a bag lunch." The PSGA members who participated in the raid as the arche-typal hysterical mob which~ had nearly taken the law into their own hands, seemed stunned at the fate of their fellow· students. Said Senator Jim Lobomeire, 19, • We could have at least held off on the raid until those poor guys had been marinated or rolled in breadcrumbs. Anythmg . but this! Hell, I knew a few of them personally and I can tell you with a straight face that not less than three of them wanted to go as deep-fried crullers." Another senator, Jean Rabbid, sadly remarked, "It's all such a waste'. I mean, they haven't even passed inspection yet!'' Following the notification of relatives. funerals for the deceased will be held at their respective churches. their times yet to be announced, with a wake afterwards for the entire group in the Union Cafeteria. Duo vanished by Jcrimi h John on Two Parkside tud nts have been r ported mi Ing since last Friday afternoon after ma ing a seemin 1) harmle b t with s \'era! fellow tudents as to ~hether or not they would be able to locate the Chancellor's offic . Reported as missing to th Kenosha police wer Richard Magellan, !!l, of Racine, and Robert Polo, 20, of Kenosha. Both are hi tory majors at Parkside. A friend of the pair said that he and another comparuon w r situn m the nion with th two last Friday when 1ag II n began boast1 that h was not afraid to try to locate th office re ardl of the rumor ab ut bamcad and uard do . After some pr paration, th duo s t out on their tr k equipped ·ith a tent, fla blight, sterno stove, rope , and oth r urviv 1 equipm nt, nd have not b n seen nor h ard from sine • Th Chane llor ·a not vallabl for comm nt. Wargamers cited by Adolph Patton Campus Security Polic ·earched for six Parksid tudents m1 "tng inc m dsemester fter dropping their clas e ampu. Police di covered on Saturda) a homemade bomb shelter. three nuclear warheads, an immen arsenal of ground combat equipment, and a World War n half-track in the D-2 level of Greenquist Hall. After an initial investigation, the P.arkside Wargamers were cited by the Kenosha Fire Department for neglecting Fire Safety Regulations, and blocking fire lanes. The Wargamers were also given citations fol' malicious destruction of' private property after they dug forty-nine trenches on the east campus lawn and barb-wired the Library Learning Center. ft61 ·u JaqW8AON il39NYila<J 301S>lilYd 3H1. z UW-Pcirkside DeRANGER' - EDITORIAL-OPINION - Sex scandal finally climaxes 1- • i ; •• ~ J.Carter Peaceful student compromise sought by Lester P. Madlock n,Jr. What we need in this country more than a five-cent whore or cigar. is a liltle law and order. The way that crime is handled in our cities is disgusting and shocking. They expect decent, God-fearing, taxpaymg, hard-working, child-loving, poorly educated and highly emotional people like you and me, to turn in our guns, tanks bazookas, sub-machine guns. rifles, anti-aircraft and nuclear weapons, so that criminals can rule the world. yO\>know, my father used to say, "Just let one of them creeps come Into my house, and I'll blow his brains clear across the street", that made me feel safe. l'iow all of those mambv, pamby, conunie, faggot, dope-addict, and liberal senators in congress, want to take our prectousguns, tanks, bazookas, etc., away from us. I say, "go to hell"; I don't give up any guns of mine to no police. the}' are as crooked as the rrooks What we do need III this country is good old capital punishment, like 'In the old days. U somebody killed someone else, lhen they just strung them up or shot them on sight. Oh God!, how lloog for those days. In mj opinion, all rapists and murderers should have their ey~ put out by a hot poker, slowly and painlully, then they should be boiled in' t'()1tar and placed in a block of ice, to cool them off, then put out in the middle of the street where they can be smashed to pieces, just like some beautllullittle squirrel or skunk. This is the ooly way to protect decent, god-fearmg, tax-paying, bard working, child-molesting, poorly~ucated and highly-emotional people such as you and me. Crtnunals must be made to pay, dearly, for their acts of lust. Why can't they be like most of us decent, god-fearing, tax-eheating, childmolestmg. poorly educated, and highly emotional people and just go jerk off in some dirty movie house; no, they go out and hurl somebody. Dope peddlers should be hung by the ears and forced to drink a pilon a drano, and then put into a rubber room. This would solve the . dope problem In this country, you 'betcha'. Don't send those kids to a hallway house, send lbem back 10 their decent, hypocritical, taxcheating, chll<knolesting, poorly educated and highly emotional .. rents; ibIS WIll straighten them out. Once you stop the rapISts and the murderers and the dope peddlers, this country will be safe for us decent, hypocritical, tax-cheating. hlld·mole ling, poorly.educated, liquor-drinking, and highly cmbllonal people such as you and me. But remember, pray for your enem,-., love your neighbor, and love your God. ~~DITOR IN CHIEF: "Boss" J. Zipper ,PUTUM EATER: Gene-Tenlative VAGUE EDIBLES: jock swisher, Pill Barfly COPIOUS ANTEATER: Juicy Lung PHOBIA AND GORE: Vun Tun Sun CURLY RAnON: Soup Or Quarts -:rUFF' Bill Barke. Phil Hermann, Jeff Litrenla S M -"thy Brnak, Phil Livingston, Tom Cooper Bruce 'w ue arquart, >oH .. o .. i <:;w~n~k; • agner The DeRanger should not be ,.Iltll seriously I don't care what you think Of' UV'· You folio';'" me? Don't give me that! If'S .11' jake. and if you can't see ftillt, you·..., ~ snet In your. ears. or your brain w'S sh· ...'"f off the last tome yOU got a hait.CuI. YOU 90 I now? HUh? Well. do y.? Answer me!! '"en .nd The Parksi"de DeRange, is wwtl tIM adited by $ever. I distu~bed students 01 t UnIversity Wisconsin. Parkside whOc.nllO be held responsible tor anyfhlng mYc" lets its editorial poUc:.,.or content . b)' J Carter Sex in the high echelons of the Parkside administration d'oes not surprise us. The headlines on.a rela~ed inci.dent have become. a blur. Their persistence as sensational journalism has worn Uno, and repercussions found in the form of Miss Elizabeth Ray's book: The Washington Fringe Benefits, have been brief and pathetic, Even in the Midwest, long known as.the "elastic in the shorts under the Bible Belt", promiscuity in high office b~ely turns a head or sends a frustrated school boy to the lavatory. When Barbara Noggers, a typist for the humanities department, confessed to simultaneous affairs with English professor, Lyle "Slow Bob" Angstfot; economics professor, Roland Teemer; communications lecturer; Pus Vlednegorkiewicz; German 'professor, Juan Mirales; Dr. Baskedd Tucci of the chemistry department; Chester Lambuster, advisor for Student Debits .with PAB; Joan Hemungga, a typist for the foreign language division; and Manfred Nevell, a shuttle bus driver, no. one really cared. Her pamphlet, entitled, Parkside Overtime, dida booming busiIless in the bookstore for three hours last October, then felt a terrninal cutback in sales. The pamphlet was taken off the shelves last week. The Deftanger takes a dim view of the entire affair. not only for iis pitiful attempt at sensationalism, or Miss Nogger-s questioQable judgement in the revelation of it which destroyed the stainless reputations of several prestigious academians, but for the shameless pride she displays in the matter. We feel the investigation in her affairs was incomplete. Questions arise which need answering. Even the pamphlet was short of facts. For instance: How was Professor Teemer ? Did he use a con.. traceptive, and what did he say afterward? Was Dr. Tucci's war wound a hindrance or did it cause new heart-stopping sensations that broughton mulitple climaxes. Is Juan Mirlaes really a kinky fe~? Does he really do those things to your navel? And how? How does Professor Angslfot manage with only that one arm of his? Whatls his favorite position, and could you please describe those "strange" undergarments he wears? These and other questions must be answered. Perhaps the whole shabby controversy can then come to final and blissfully ecstatic climax. ·· ·•= --- Lester P. Madlock n. Jr. • 9l6l 'l.l ,aqwaf.0N ~3!>N\t~ao 3O1S>t~Vd 3Hl. l UW-Pcirkside De RANGER· - EDITORIAL-O~INION Sex scandal finally clim~xes • .. ,,. ~ J.Carter Peaceful student compromise sought by Le st r P. ad lock II, Jr. ,,. by JCa,ter Sex in the high echelons of the Parkside administration <foes not surprise us.-The headlines on a related incident have become a blur. Their persistence as sensational journalism has worn thin, and repercussions found in the form of Miss. Elizabeth-~y's book, The Washington Fringe Benefits, have been brief and pathetic. Even in the Midwest, long known as the " elastic in the shorts under the Bible Belt", promiscuity in high office barely turns a head or sends a frustrated school boy to the lavatory. When Barbara Noggers, a typist for the humanities department, confessed to simultaneous affairs with English professor, Lyle "Slow Bob" Angstfot; economics professor, Roland Teemer; communications lecturer; Pus Vlednegorkiewicz; German professor, Juan Mirales; Dr. Baskedd Tucci of the chemistry department; Chester Lambuster, advi~or for Student Debits ,with PAB; Joan Hemungga, a typist for the foreign language division; and Manfred Nevell, a shuttle bus driver, no_ o!'}e really cared. Her pamphlet, entitled, Parkside Overtime, did.a booming busiriess in the bookstore for three hours last October, then felt a terminal cutback in sales. The pamphlet was taken off the shelves last week. The DeRanger takes a dim view of the entire affair, not only for its pitiful attempt at sensationalism, or Miss Nogger1s question.able judgement in the revelation of it which destroyed the stainless reputations of several prestigious academians, but for the shameless pride she displays iri the matter. We feel the investigation in her affairs was incomplete. Questions arise which need answering. Even the pamphlet was short of facts. For instance: How was Professor Teemer? Did he use a contraceptive, and what did he say afterward? Was Dr. Tucci's war wound a hindrance or did it cause new heart-stopping sensations that brought-On mulitple climaxes. Is Juan Mirlaes really a kinky fetishist? Does he really do those things to your navel? And how? How does Professor Angstfot manage with only that one arm of his? What is his favorite position, and could you please describe those "strange" undergarments he wears? · These and other questions must be~answered. Perhaps the whole shabby controversy can then come to final and blissfully ecstatic climax. Lester P. Madlock II, Jr. '!-:OITOR rN CHIEF : "Boss" J. Zipper iPUTUM EATER: Gene-Tentative The DeRanger should not be ta~en se.riously . I don't care what you think or say. You follow me? Don't give me that! lt's all a ioke, and if you can't see th1at, you've go; snot in your_ ears, or your b~ain was sha:tit off the last time you got a ha1t-cut. Yo~? now? Huh? Well, do ya? Answer me .· VAGUE ED1Bl.ES: _jock swisher, Pill Barfly COPIOUS ANTEATER: Juicy Lung PHOBIA AND GORE: Vun Tun Sun CURLY RATION: Soup Or Quarts '>' fUFF : Bill Barke, Phil Hermann Jeff L"tr ta ::athy Brnak, Phil Livingston Tom 'eoo· P 18 en ' Sue Marquart, . • er, ruce Wagner 10 fro" 1 ~'.V~!1~ki . The Parkside DeR anger is written a"d e.dited by several distutbed students of th~ University Wisconsin . Parkside who c~~::s be held responsible for anything muc its editoria.l polic.y or content. I Poet to read by Ludwig von Scbeutz poet Bunyon McPheeters will present a workshop and reading at Parkside on Wednesday, December 29 from 3-3:18 p.m. in the Wyllie Ubrary·Learnmg Center Room D-I07. The event is free and open to the general puIrlic who are between the ages of twenty-seven and forty-three and will admit to ever ha~ing had scaly. patches on their abdomens. . McPheeters, most widely known for this tobacco juice stained beard and bloodshot eyes, will preface his reading with a creative workshop, which WIllinclude push-ups, squat thrusts, a game of tag, an S&M encounter session, and a slide presentation dealing with the x-rays of Rod McKuen's throat and his subsequent genital disorder. For his reading, McPheeters will deal with some of his most recent workas well as his earliest, choosing selections from The Sad Enema 11956),Song of the Whaling Pygmy (1959). Love Never Forgets a Long Dislanee Call Collect( 1966), and An Eviction Notice From God (1972). An effervescent and willy speaker, McPheeters has met with great success at the colleges and girls' reformatories he has visited. Though he frequently forgets to bring his selected readings on his tours, he has always managed to captivate his audiences with tasteless stories about the women he has known, and the religious leaders he 'would liketo see dead. or his infantile routine in which he dresses as a streetwalker and taunts members of his audience into coming onstage and smear his knees an~ shoulders with aftershave lotion. Anyone interested in more information on the McPheeters reading can contact Steve Lannsky of the Physical Plant at extension 0030. it. While we were at it, we came (and how!) across the following clipping protruding from my drawers: WASHINGTON, D&C (Associated Phress) - TheSecretary of Labor announced today that three new positions-in Community Action, Affirmative Action, and .Slide-bolt Action- . were being-budgeted for the next three consecutive trimester periods. Al cumers (preferably E.Z.· has male) are welcome to apply. Whatever skills applicants possess will be analyzed according to the following criteria: 1) Ability to erect the appropriate office spac.e (preferably in 15 minutes);' 2) Discharge orders, without regress, even if it means egg in the face; 3) The guts to back-off from stiff resistance. In other words, to recognize when the backbone of your office staff has gone limp; 4) The determination 10 boldly thrust into new parameters; bango timel Dear Ranger: Allow me to express my latitude in having head the supreme pleasure of reading a 'ver'y Noble PeUarticie. My friend Rubin Jacov and' I had a bang-o: lime skimming through e fl6l 'll J8qWaA0N J86ultHaeJ 30IS)lHYd 3H.L Catalog adds major • problem read Parkside's next catalog is expected to contain the following new major: students who have a problem with deciding what major concentration they wish to seek at Parkside may wish U> seek an undecided major. Requirements for this major will be 120 credits, with no more than three classes in each discipline. Students will be required to take at least 20 credits of independent study and physical education courses to supply them with enough breadth and basic skills. Students must also declare their interest at least seven semesters before they attend Parkside. ';amt Poet Hunyon McPheeters will on December- 29th in WLLC 5) The foresight to abort the mission should preventive precautions suffer undue leakage, causing excessive buildup; and 6) To keep cool .. never squirm while in action. These positions will be open to all Civil, Service examinees scoring above a certain minimum, with minor revisions of the automatic point award system made such that specific disabilities won't be good for shit! , Rubin and I thought -your readers might enjoy this little bureaucratic P.R. emission. What-a thrill it would be if a Parkside grad were selected. to fill just one of these openingsplush office and all! This seems unlikely, for it's usually the case that a position of such potency is filled. with someone from a more established institution, like Havhard. Tsk. Parkside students get all the hard knocks. Yours in levity, E.Z. Cwnmings. May Rain Corps re-founded ist Mate: Say, sweety! You rang? J.P.J.: How many times must Itell you, sir, that I am your captain, oot-your sweety!?! Really. you do take your title too seriously! 1st Mate: Well, at least. sornebody's serious here! Join the navy and see the world, my ass! Ididn't think it meant painting an atlas on the ship's deck. J.P.J.: Bitch, bitch, bitch! What'd ya expect, a free college education? Now, I called you here to discuss those roudy men in the masts. They have much too much time on ·their hands. 1st. Mate: Nice alliteration, sir, and yes, I know. They've been using the National Ensi&" for target practice again. J.P.J.: What!? Those sharpshooters have been taking pot shots at our flag? ! 1st Mate: No, sir,-notthe flag. The new ensign from Philly. He's been complaining that his braid is becoming [raid from their musket ~ire. J.P.J.: Nice alliteration. But that's what) mean! Those leather heads ... 1st Mate: Leather necks, sir. J.P.J.: What? Oh, yeh, leather necks. They have too much time on their hands. What can we do? 1st Mate: Maybe if they were organized. into. a fighting group it would help. J.P ..I. How would that help? / 1st Mate: Well, sir, we could teach them how to peel _ spuds and mop the floor. J.P.J.: Swab the deck. 'st Mate: I'll get right on it, sir. Cunt. un fJH/;!" Ii Btson-tenuial MiD;utes a one act play by jeffrey j. swencki Dateline, November 9-10,1775 Two hundred and one yMrs ago a little known but in-famous event took place somewhere east 01 Obscene, Wisconsin, which was' to be lost in the anals of history. It went something like this. Act I., Scene INovember 9,1775 John Paul Jones is approached. by his FirstMate ... at Parkside room D-107. Raw lust loathed To the Editor: I think something should be done about the raw sex that goes on down the Main Street of Parkside. It is utterly disgusting to be walking along and seeing on everyone of those couches at least two people in reclining positions, It's very embarrassing for people like me to cast my eyes upon this outrageous activity. On top of all that, I blush easily. It is also very contagious. First one couch is filled with intimate lovers and then pretty soon all the couches are full of the deadly lust. I strongly believe that something should be done about this abhorring situauon. There are never any couches open when it comes around to my turn with my leverfor the day' I feel I have just as much right to the couches as the others who fill them day after day and hour after hour! t.uve and Kisses, Susie Cream Cheese r-ont. 011 pn~f" 8 The Movie Scene by Angel Ramier ea For the next month an a half, the film industry will be excreting its holiday blockbusters onto big silver screens around the country. Squeezed from the bowels of motion picture companies' largest budgets, most prestigious directors, and biggest stars, they will splash across billboards, T.V. screens, magazine and newspaper features, and filmed "coming attractions" in competitive, dazzling and sometimes tasteless publicity campaigns. Saved [or those last weeks before the deadline for 1976Academy Award consideration they are the efforts of canny studio heads who are out to grab a percentage of movie goers' Christmas bonus checks. In some cases, an over-blown blockbuster manages to barely pass wind. and a studio may have to work like hyper banshees to get out of the red by next Christmas. Here is a run-down of the holiday fare for those with discriminating tastes: Cough at the Devil- A handsome. wordly circus clown throws up on a young girl at a childrens' hospital and is disgraced. He goes to Africa, where he finds work as a tap dancer's understudy in a traveling Zulu repertory company. After falling in love with a gazelle, he rents an abandoned gravel plant and sets up a business manufacturing quicksand. Overacted by Andy Griffith and Connie Stevens, the film stumbles through a predictable script. At least the gazelle had a nice tush. The Last Lug Wrench - Despite George C. Scott's sensitive, commanding performance as an almost totally paralyzed plumber, this film wanders between themes of lonely lasciviousness and dental hygiene. The story concerns Buford Davis (Stott), a plwnber incapacitated from the neck down due to a childhood accident. Though fully capable at his job - he fixes toilets and drain pipes by holding tools in his mouth - he must face a shattering dilemma. He needs false teeth. The film climaxes when Davis, head-strong and persistant, is on his back making a delicate adjustment under a garbage disposal, a plyer • in his gums, when he gets a runny nose. Whining and squirming, Scott manages to convey the rough persistence of a despera te man, with insightful determination, against a world gone limp. Never a Dull.Hemorrhage • The world goes topsy-turvy in this mad farce about a crack emergency room team in a Nel! York hospital. Though the plot has some familiar overtones, th~ breakneck pace and superb acting, most notably Ernest Borgnine as a wacky, profane orderly, and Ed McMahon as "Bump" the sadistic nurse, stand by themselves. Though the movie may be almost nauseatingly bloodthirsty in parts f Director Richard Lester was actually able U> get several fresh c0rpses to use in his train wreck and university bombing scenes), it is a delight to watch, and will most certainly be a memorable distraction during the holiday season. Poet to read by Ludwig von Scheutz Poet Bunyon McPheeters will present a workshop and reading at Parkside on W_ednesday, December 29 from 3-3:18 p.m. in the Wyllie Library-Learning Center Room D-107. The event is free and open to the general p~li_c who ~re between the ages of twenty-seven and fortY,-three and will admit to ever having had scaly patches on their abdomens. · McPheeters, most widely known for this tobacco juice stained beard and bloodshot eyes, will preface his reading with a creative workshop which will include push-ups, squat thrusts, a game of tag an S&M encounter session, and a slide presentation dealing with th~ x-rays of Rod McKuen's throat and his subsequent genital disorder. For his reading, McPheeters will deal with some of his most recent work as well as his earliest, choosing selections from The Sad Enema ( 1956), Song of the Whaling Pygmy ( 1959). Love Never Forgets a Long Distance Call Collect ( 1966), and An Eviction Notice From God ( 1972). t 9L6l 'Ll JaqWiMON Ja6ue~aa 301S>t~'ld 3H.l Catalog adds • maJor problem Parkside's next catalog is expected to contain the following new major: Students who have a problem with deciding what major concentration they wish to s k at Parkside may wish to seek an undecided major. Requirements for this major will be 120 credits, with no more than three classes in each discipline. Students will be required t.o take at lea t 20 credits of independent study and physical education cour s to supply them with enough breadth and basic skills. An effervescent and witty speaker, McPheeters has met with great success at the colleges and girls' reformatories he has visited. Though he frequently forgets to bring his selected readings on his tours, he has always managed to captivate his alldiences with tasteless stories about the women he has known, and the religious leaders he would liketo see dead, or his infantile routine in which he dresses as a streetwalker and taunts members of his audience into coming onstage and smear his knees an~ shoulders with aftershave lotion. Anyone interested in more information on the McPheeters reading can contact Steve Lannsky of the Physical Plant at extension 0030. Poet Bun_ on Mc Pheeteri,, ~ ill read 'ot Pork~ide on Decembt>r 29th m WLLC room D-107. Students must also declar their interest at least seven semesters before they attend Parkside. E.Z. has bango time! DPar Ranger: Allow me to express my latitude in having head the supreme pleasure of reading a ·ver'y Noble Pellarticle. My friend Rubin Jacov and I had a bang--0 ! time skimming through it. While we were at it, we came ( and how!) across the following clipping protruding from my drawers: WASHINGTON , D&C ( Associated Phress) - The Secretary of Labor announced today that three new positions-in Community Action, Affirmative Action, and Slide-bolt Acuon- . were being budgeted for the next three consecutive trimester periods. Al cumers ( preferably male) are welcome to apply. Whatever skills applicants possess will be analyzed according to the following criteria: 1) Ability to erect the appropriate office spac.e (preferably in 15 minutes); 2) Discharge orders, without regress, even if it means egg in the face; 3) The guts to back-off from stiff resistance. In other words, to recognize when the backbone of your office staff has gone limp; 4) The determination lo boldly thrust into new parameters; 5) The foresight to abort the mission should preventive precautions suffer undue leakage, causing excessive buildup; and 6 J To keep cool - never squirm while in action. These positions will be open to all Civil Service examinees scoring above a certain mirumum, with minor revisions of the automatic point award system made such that specific disabilities won't be good for shit! Rubin and I thought your readers might enjoy this little bureaucratic P.R. emission. What -a thrill it would be if a Parkside grad were selected to fill just one of these openingsplush office and all! This seems unlikely, for it's usually the case that a position of such potency is filled with someone from a more established institution, like Havhard. Tsk. Parkside students get all the hard knocks. Yours in levity. E.Z. Cummings. May Rain Corps re-founded Bison-tenuial Minutes a one act play by jeffrey j. swencki Dateline, November 9-10, 1775 Two hundred and one years ago a little known but in-famous event took place somewhere east of Obscene, Wisconsin, which was·to be lost in the anals of history. It went something like this. Act I., Scene I. November 9, 1775 John Paul Jones is approached, by his First Mate ... 1st Mate: Say, sweety! You rang? J.P.J.: How many times must I tell you, sir, that I am your captain, nof your sweety ! ? ! Really, you do take your title too seriously! 1st Mate : Well, at least somebody's serious here ! Join the navy and see the world, my ass! I didn't tl'Jnk it meant painting an atlas on the ship's deck. J.P.J.: Bitch, bitch, bitch! What'd ya expect, a free college education? Now, I called you here to discuss those roudy men in the masts. They have much too much time on ·their hands. 1st. Mate: Nice alliteration, sir, and yes, I know. They've_ been using the National Ensign for target practice again. J. p .J.: What!? Those sharpshooters have been taking pot shots at our flag?! 1st Mate : No, sir, not the flag. The new ensign from Philly. He's been complaining that his braid is becoming £raid from their musket fire. J .P .J.: Nice alliteration. But that's what _I mean! Those leather heads ... 1st Mate: Leather necks, sir. J.P.J.: What? Oh, yeh, leathe: necks. They have too much time on their hands. What can we do? 1st Mate: Maybe if they were organized into a fighting group it would. help. J.P .. J. Ho" would that help? 1 1st Mate: Well, sir, we could teach them how to peel spuds and mop the floor. J.P.J.: Swab the deck. 1st Mate: I'll get right on it, sir. Conl. on pu~t· K Raw lust loathed • To the Editor: ·1 think something should be done about the raw sex that goes on down the Main Street of Parkside. It is utterly disgusting to be walking along and seeing on everyone of those couches at least two people in reclining positio:is. It's very embarrassing for people like me to cast my eyes upon this outrageous activity. On top of all that, I blush easily. It is also very contagious. First one couch is filled with intimate lovers and then pretty soon all the couches are full of the deadly lust. I strongly believe th t sc,mething should be done about this abhorring ituation. Th re are never any couches open when it comes around to my turn with my iover for the day! I feel I ha,.. • just a,; much right to the couch - as the others who fill them day after day and hour after hour! 1,ove and Ki es, Susie Cream Cheese ........ OIi pUJ!I' H The Movie Scene by Angel Ramiern For the next month an a half, the film industry \rill bee cretin its holiday blockbusters onto big sil\'er screens around the coun~·. Squeezed fr_om the bowels of motion picture comparue ' larg st budgets, most prestigious directors, and biggest stars, they ~ill splash across billboards, T.V. screens, magazine and newspaper featur , and filmed ··conung attractions" 10 competitive, dazzlin nd sometimes tasteless publicity campaigns. Sa\'ed for those last weeks before the de-adline for 1976 Academy Award consideration they are the efforts of canny tudio h a who are out to grab a percentage of movie goers' Chri tmas bonus chi In some cases, an over-blown blockbuster manages to bar ly pa wind. and a studio may have to work like hyp r ban hee to t out of the red by next Christmas. Here is a run-0own of the holiday fare for tho e with discriminating tastes: Cough at the Dc,·il - A hand ome. wordly circus clown throws up on a young girl at a childrens' hospital and is di raced, H o to Africa, where he finds work as a tap dancer's understudy in a traveling Zulu repertory compan)'. After falling in love with a gazelle, he rents an abandoned gravel plant and ets up a bu ine manufacturin quicksand. Overacted by Andy Griffith and Connie Stevens, the film stumbl through a predictable script. At least the gazelle had a nice tush. The La,;t Lug Wrenrh - Despite George C. Scott's ensitive, commanding performance as an almost totally paralyzed plumber, this film wanders between themes of lonely lasciviousn and dental hygiene. The story concerns Buford Davis (Scott), a plumber incapacitated from the neck down due to a childhood accident. Though fully capable at his job - he fixes toilets and drain pipes by holding tools in his mouth - he must face a shattering dilemma. He needs false teeth. The film climaxes when Davis, head-strong and persistant, is on his back making a delicate adjustment under a garbage disposal, a plyer • in his gums, when he gets a runny nose. Whining and squirming, Scott manages to convey the rough persistence of a desperate man, with insightful determination, against a world gone limp. Never a Dull Hemorrhage - The world goes topsy-turvy in this mad farce about a crack emergency room team in a Ne'! York hospital. Though the plot has some familiar overtones, th~ breakneck pace and superb acting, most notably Ernest Borgnine as a wacky, profane orderly, and Ed McMahon as "Bump" the sadistic nurse, stand b themselves. Though the movie may be almost nauseatingly bloodthirsty in parts t Director Richard Lester was actually able to get several fresh corpses to use in his train \\>Teck and university bombing scenes), it is a delight to watch, and will most certainly be a memorable distraction during the holiday season. fl61 'll ~aqW"AONH30NVH&(J 30IS>lHVd 3H.1 ~ Doctor: Rain? Not today. S.N.: No Marines. You know, arrah ..,forget it. SceneY. Sam returns to Tu.JVTavern on crutches. could see a nice tanKardof ale about oow! Ah, Tun Tavern! I'll just bop in here and quaff a quick one. Hunun, nice alliteration! (to Bartender) Bartend, I'll have a pint or ale, please. Say, yo~ haven't seen any Marines around here, have you. Bortend: Nah, it ain't gonna rain. Here's your brew bud. S.N.: Nice alliteration, but ,I said Marines, not may rain. Bortend: Who, what? S.N.: You know, Arrah arrah, gung ho.... oh, hell! Jobn Wayne! Bortend: Oh, Marines! Nah, just a few good men who want to fight. They're all around. S.N.: How can you tell? It-looks pretty peaceful. Bortend: Try God save the you-koow-who. S.N.: Who, John Wayne? _ Bartend: No, nerd, the king! You must be an officer! S.N.:{;()DSAYE THE KING!!! AHH!!! HELP!!! . Sceue iV. S.N.: Thanks, doc. You sure I won't get /3bies, tetanus, or-get wierd during the full moon. Those are pretty nasty bites! Doctor: No, you're okay. You'd best stay away from wild dog packs. They can be real ~ean. S.N.: They were Marines. Doctor: Rain? Not today. . S.N.: No Marines. You know, arrah ...forget It. Scene IV. S.N.: Thanks, doc. You sure I won't get rabies, tetanus, or get wierdduring the full moon? Those are pretty nasty bites! Doctor: No, you're okay. You'd best stay away from wild dog packs. They can be real mean. S.N: They were Marine.s. rUlit. (ruIn flair ':' J.P.J.: Not you. the Marines! lSI Mate: It's not going to rain, sir. .t P.J.: Not may r$in! Marine! 1st Mate: Who, what? J.P:J.: You know, arrah arrah, gung ho, take the hill! Guard the embassy, first to ftght, Semper Fidelis, Halls of Montazuma, Shores of Tripoli! lSI Mate: Who, what? J.P.J.: John Wayne!!! lSI Mate: Dh, Marines! I'll get someone on it right away. Seenen. First Mate meets with Samual Nickolas. lSI Mate: ...so that's our problem. We want you to organl2e them into a fighting force. S.N.: But why me? I know nothing of naval , pr·'. ~..res. Besides, my hair's too short. 1st: Mate: Perfect! S.N.: What's in it for me, anyway? lSI Mate: Marine Captain's bars. . S.N.: I could dig being a captain '8nd. ~g my own pub but why'd you say It may ram. 1st Mate: Not may rain! Marine! You know, arrah arrah, gung bo, take the hill! Guard the embassy, first to fight, Semper Fidelis, Halls of Montazuma, Shores of Tripoli! S.N.: Who, what? 1st Mate: John Wayne! S.N.: Oh,Marines! l'UseewhatI can dig up. Scene ill. November 10,1775 Sam is walking the streets of Philadelphia .. arching out a few good men who want to fi£ht. S. .: (to selfl I've been humping these streets for hours. Where are the Marines when you need them~ I'll bet they're all out at the bars. Yeh, I S.N.: (to bartender) Thanks, pal! Why didn't YllQ warn me? ' Bortend: I lost five bucks on the Army-Navy 88Ille last week. Army won! S.N.: (to patrons) All right, you few good men who want to fight, who'll be the first 10 sign up and help initiate the greatest fighting force in history. Who will defend to the death life'"l.iberty and pursuit of happiness? Who will begin thl\!ong . of proud patriots who will win wars, buy bonds, and be always faithful to freedom? Who wanta lb annihilate the antagonists ot America? Group: Do we get a free college education too? S.N.: (to Bartend) What went wrong? Bortend: Nice alliteration, bad recruiting. Watch .this. FREE ALE TD AL4MARINES!!! S.N.: AHH!!! HELP!!! Bortend: How's that? S.N.: Gr~t, thanks! Hey, what's your name and who the Hell are all these men? Bortend: I'm Robert Mullens and this is the Continental Congress. S.N.: Well, Bob, you're now Captain Mullens, the first Marine Corps recruiter. Bortend: Oh? And I take it you are Captain Samual Nickolas, the first Marine Corps Commandant? S.N.: Yeh, painfully correct! (to man at the bar) Private, could you please remove your boot from my throat? And that's the way it was, two-hundred~and-oDe years ago last week! r-unt. Fr-om puge 7 Johns iibed , Dear People: You know, I get kind of mad whenever I go to the john and \,have to sit in those damn white, sterile, naked stalls. You may not know this but in this whole stinking building, the only place a guy can get any rest and peace is in the can. I see to it that I put in three or four hours every day. It's great, and personally, I like the old johns in Greenquist rather than some of those bowls they've got in the newer ones that are six feet off the ground. You know what I mean. I come away from dangling on those things with a .. crease right where the sur. don't ~ shine . .; ----------------, ;i PREVENTS I ~I PABpresents Wednesday, NOVembe:17 (as usual) I Free Lecture: sponsered by Pre-Law Club: "Fixing tickets" Art or I Craft I I I Anyway, I was just wonde~ who I could see about getting a couple posters hung up. You know, an Alice Cooper or the Stones, or Bowie. I don't knO\ll what the girls would. want. Wen, how ahout it? Hey, and maybe some magazines or comic books, or a six-pack! Maybe somebody could install an eight-track, you know? Think it over. Hey, and call me. I've got a water bed you might be interested in using. Yours, Arthur Bunpbuccer ll're tler crippled Judd GutzbUl!t grapples Elmer Hassen oeiology professor in a 13-0 march. to the mat, pinning the Thursday t November 18 by world-wide travellers (Parkside Shuttle ~ Wrestlers open season Travel Lecture: Drivers) PAB Presents: "The-we-advertise-in-toilets-movie" Down The Drain I at 7 p.m. at Union _ I I . Friday, Novemher 19 I IConcert: featuring the one, the only, fantastic ......... PAB does il Iagain! . I Pre·Thanksgiving Turkety Shoot: Contestants must supply weapons.I I Parkside faculty supplies turkeys. I _ Saturday, November 20 I IOutdoor Track Meet: UW-Parkside Streakers v. Petrifying Springs I IPark County Sheri~ at 4:00. I I Sunday, Novemher21 I Parkside Physical Plant Rummage Sale: 12.to 6 p.m. Items for sale I IInclude one slightly used Union Bldg., Classroom Bldg., slightly ~~~--------------j by Huty Cosell januned a size lwelve set of gal! deats into my face. " Cutting a triple-threat swath into the fans in record time, the wrestlers were able to find most of the faculty members in the stands and drag them down to the mats where they held grudge matches. Despite an unfair advantage on the part of the wrestlers· eight on one - the lans seemed receptive to the polished new look of the Ranger team. "II was really im!X'essive," remarked junior Amy Rancum. "Just watching all those straining, sweating bodies, lllrashing and undulating; hard flesh and knotted muscle struggling in grim, brutish animal strength. II was beautiful!" Final ta1lies showed Bill Lockahaw, a Parkside senior, leading in points with eleven pins againsl five English instructors, three Physics professors, lwo librarians, and a Psychology professor. Harold Leeth was second in reaching the points with eight pins. He confined himsIef to faculty members of the ecooomics departments. Despite the criticism Lungfekker received on his team's new "techniques" following the game, he trushed it off with typical Whimsy. "Some punk redneck is always sticking his face out When something new like this comes along. I've got a winning team and that's all that counts." If Coach Amo Lunglekker's enthusiasm is any indication, Parkside wrest11ng fans can e:q>ect a .... ason they'll never forget" from the UW-P grappling SOIJ8d ''This team has something apodal," Lungfetker exclaimed during a break in practice last Thunday. "I've been waiting to coach a crack squad like this since the war." After watching the sixteen hour practice, and FrIday night's _/lOOn match against Carthage, it is doubtful if anyone could refnte Lungfekker's conunent. Having scrapped their usual lightweight togs for shoulder pads, hmberjack boots, chain mall, and crash helmets, the Ranger team stormed into the Carthage Fieldhouse like a troop of psychopathic sunural, brandJ.shlng riot clubs. Within a moment they had savapiy attacked the opposing team, who had been caught In III1SUSpeClingsurprise, and beaten them 5O... less. After loading the UIlCOOlICious Carthaginians into a waiting van which immediately left for Butte, Montana, the Parkslde grapplers formed an imposlnIJ dragnet artlUnd the East bleachers and pressed In on the crowd. As one fan, John Ortbbcn, 21,e<>mmented: "I thought it was a jote untII one of lhoe6 apes said. 'Suck 011this, pinko worm; and Team loses again by P.J. Sampson had the same problem since sununer workouts began last July. II gets pretty frustratinll drawing diagrams for an empty room." The Rangers will face • UW-Eau Claire in their next game here at the yet un' discovered Ranger stadIUm. " The Ranger football team lost ita 8th straight game on a forfeit last Saturday, this time to uwWhitewater. When asked Why the team refused to show up at the games, C~ch Coeb.-e2th r~plicd, "We'~'e 9t6l 'll .taqwaAON ~39NV~acJ 30lS>t~Vd 3Hl. l> Doctor: Rain? Not today. rnnt. (null pK~f" 7 J.P.J.: • ·ot you, the Marines! 1 t 1ate : It's not going to rain, sir. .1 P • .:.: • ·ot may rain! Marine! l t Mate: Who, what? could see a nice ianKardof ale about now! Ah, Tun Tavern! I'll just bop in here and quaff a quick one. Hwnm, nice alliteration! (to Bartender) Bartend, I'll have a pint or ale, please. Say, yo~ haven't seen any Marines around here, have you. s.N.: No Marines. You know, arrah ... forget it. SceneV. Sam returns to Tu,Jl"Tavern on crutches. S.N.: (to bartender) Thanks, pal! Why didn't you J.P:J.: You know, arrah arrah, gung ho, take the hill! Guard the embassy, first to fight, Semper Fidelis, Halls of Montazwna, Shores of Tripoli! 1st Mate: Who, what? Bartend: Nah, it ain't gonna rain. Here's your brew bud. S.N.: Nice alliteration, but ,I said Marines, not may rain. warn me? · Bartend: I lost five bucks on the Army-Navy game last week. Army won! s.N.: (to patrons) All right, you few good men who want to fight, who'll be the first to sign up and help initiate the greatest fighting force in history? Who will defend to the death life"liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Who will begin the long line of proud patriots who will win wars, buy bonds, and be always faithful to freedom? Who wants to annihilate the antagonists of America? J.P.J.: John Wayne!!! Bartend: Who, what? 1st Mate: Oh, Marines! I'll get someone on it right S.N.: You know, Arrah arrah, gung ho .... oh, hell! away. Scene Il. First Mate meets with Samual Nickolas. John Wayne! Bartend: Oh, Marines! Nah, just a few good men who want to fight. They're all around. 1st Mate: ... so that's our problem. We want you to organize them into a fighting force. s.N.: But why me? I know nothing of naval , pr-"~ ~ .. res. Besides, my hair s too short. S.N.: How can you tell? It looks pretty peaceful. Bartend: Try God save the you-know-who. S.N.: Who, John Wayne? _ Group: Do we get a free college education too? s.N.: (to Bartend) What went wrong? Bartend: No, nerd, the king! You must be an of1 t: Mate: Perfect! ' · What's in it for me, anyway? ficer! S.N.:-GOD SAVE THE KING!!! AHH! ! ! HELP!!! • SC.t'Ut! i\r'. Bartend: Nice alliteration, bad recruiting. Watch , this. FREE ALE TO ALL 1 1 MARINES! ! ! ·~ Mate: Marine Captain's bars. . s. ·.: I could dig being a captain and owmng my own pub, but why'd you say it may rain? 1 t fate: Not may rain! Marine! You know, arrah rrah, ng ho, take the hill! Guard the embassy, fir t to fight, Semper Fidelis, Halls of Mont zuma , Shores of Tripoli! s.N.: Thanks, doc. You sure I won't get /abies, tetanus, or-get wierd during the full moon . Those are pretty nasty bites! S.N.: AHH!!! HELP!!! Bartend:. How's that? s.N.: Great, thanks! Hey, what's your name and who the Hell are all these men? , s .. ·.: Who, what? 1 t Mate : John Wayne! .• '.: Oh.Marine·.! I'll see what I can dig up. eene 111. oYember 10, 1775 Doctor: No, you're okay. You'd best stay away from wild dog packs. They can be real mean. S.N.: They were Marines. Doctor : Rain? Not today. S.N.: No Marines. You know, arrah ... forget it. Scene IV . Bartend: I'm Robert Mullens and this is the Continental CQngress. s.N.: Well, Bob, you're now Captain Mullens, the first Marine Corps recruiter. m i walking the streets of Philadelphia arching out a few good men who want~ fight. s .• ·.: (to self) I've been hwnping these streets for hour . Wher are the Marines when you need them? I'll bet they're all out at the bars. Yeh, I S.N.: Thanks, doc. You sure I won't get rabies, tetanus, or get wierd,during the full moon? Those are pretty nasty bites! Doctor: No, you're okay. You'd best stay away from wild dog packs. They can be real mean. S.N : They were Marines. Bartend: Oh? And I take it you are Captain Samual Nickolas, the first Marine Corps Commandant? s.N.: Yeh, painfully correct! (to man at the bar) Private, could you please remove your boot from my throat? And that's the way it was, two-hundred-and-one years ago last week! t·ont. from pu!!e 7 Johns iibed Dear People: You know, I get kind of mad whenever I go to the john and have to sit in those damn white, sterile, naked stalls. You may not know this but in this whole stinking building, the only place a guy can get any rest and peace is in the can. I see to it that I put in three or four hours every day. It's great, and personally, I like the old johns in Greenquist rather than some of those bowls they've got in the newer ones that are six feet off the ground. You know what I mean. I come away from dangling on those things with a ~ crease right where the sun don't t shine. Anyway, I was just wondering who I could see about getting a ·couple posters hung up. You Jcnow, ah Alice Cooper or the Stones, or Bowie. I don't know what the girls would. want. Well, how about it? Hey, and maybe some magazines or comic books, or a six-pack ! Maybe somebody could install an eight-track, you know? Think it over. Hey, and call me. I've got a water bed you might be interested in using. Yours, Arthur Bunphuccer -" ~~..-..~~~~~~~~...-.~~~~, !! PREVENTS I 0 e f :: Wednes_day, November 17 I re tier Judd Gutzbust grapple · Elmer Hassen to the mat. pinning the t·rippl d oC'iolog} proft- . or in a 13-0 match. ' t ;~~ r:::;!:. ~ponsereci ·b~- P;~-~~ -ci~i/ ;,Fi,tl~g .ii~k~::.~ ~~~a~; I Craft Wrestlers open season by Hanky Cos~ll If Coach Arno Lungfekker's enthusiasm is any ndication, Parkside wrestling fans can expect a ason they'll never forget" from the UW-P grappling 5411ad. "This team has something cial," Lu.ngfekker exclaimed during a break in practice la t Thursday. "I've been waiting to coach a crack squad like this since the war." After atching the sixteen hour practice, and Friday night's pre-season match against Carthage, it doubtful if anyone could refute Lungfekker's comm nt. Having scrapped their usual lightweight togs for shoulder pads, lumberjack boots, chain mail, and crash helmets, the Ranger team stormed into the rth e Fieldhouse like a troop of psychopathic samurai, brandishing riot clubs. Within a moment they had savagely attacked the opposing team, who had been caught In unsuspecting surprise, and beaten them senseless. After lo ding the unconscious Carthaginians into a waiting van which immediately left for Butte, ontana, the Parkside grapplers formed an imposing dragnet around the East bleachers and pre in on the crowd . one fan, John Orthbon, 21 , comm nted: " I thought it was a joke until one of th pes id, •suck on this, pinko worm; and jammed a size twelve set of gulf _cleats into my face." Cutting a triple-threat swath into the fans in record time, the wrestlers were able to find most of the faculty members in the stands and drag them down to the mats where they held grudge matches. Despite an unfair advantage on the part of the wrestlers • eight on one • the fans seemed receptive to the polished new look of the Ranger team. "It was really impressive," remarked junior Amy Rancum. "Just watching all those straining, sweating bodies, thrashing and undulating; hard flesh and knotted muscle struggling in grim, brutish animal strength. It was beautiful!" Final tallies showed Biff Lockshaw, a Parkside senior, leading in points with eleven pins against five English instructors, three Physics professors, two librarians, and a Psychology professor. Harold Leeth was second in reaching the points with eight pins. He confined himslef to faculty members of the economics departments. Despite the criticism Lungfekker received on his team's new "techniques" following the game, he brushed it off with typical whimsy. "Some punk redneck is always sticking his face out when something new like this comes along. I've got a winning team and that's all that counts." t t t t t Thursday, November 18 Travel Lecture: by world-wide travellers ( Parkside Drivers) PAB Presents: "The-we-advertise-in-toilets-movie" Down The Drain f at 7 p.m. at Union - t Friday, November 19 I Concert: featuring the one, the only, fantastic ......... PAB does it t again! · t Pre-Thanksgiving Turkety Shoot: Contestants must supply weapons., f Parkside faculty supplies turkeys. t . Saturday, November 20 I f Outdoor Track Meet: UW-Parkside Streakers v. Petrifying Springs l I Park County Sheri~ at 4:00. f f Sunday, November 21 f ~arkside Phys~cal Plant Rummage Sale: 12. to 6 p.m. Items fo'. sale t f mclude one slightly used Union Bldg., Classroom Bldg., slightly l damaged. - j ~~~~~~~~~~~--~~~~ Team loses again by P .J. Sampson The Ranger football team lost its 8th straight game on a forfeit last Saturday, this time to UWWhitewater. When asked why the team refused to show up at the games, Co:::ch Coc!b:e::!th r~plic1, "We've had the same problem si.m::e summer workouts began I~st July. It gets pretty frustrating drawing diagrams for an empty room." The Rangers will face UW-Eau Claire in their next game t un· here at the ye discovered Ranger Stadium. Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Parkside DeRanger, Volume V, issue 10, November 17, 1977 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1977-11-17 Type The nature or genre of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPAC124_19761117_DeRanger.pdf satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/35b12edbffa7b6f472f1dceab757310c.pdf 01fb9a71ea7ca15c70ca0b13d0272a37 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Back to school special edition Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document Campus Ambassadors profile tm Animal House " review Orientation photos Page 4 Tuesday, September 2, 1986 University of Wisconsin-Parkside Special Edition •••• 2 Tuesday, September 2, 1986 RANGER Meet Parkside's core of goodwill ambassadors Worried about how you'll fit in at college? Need to talk with an understanding person who's been where you are? If so, remember the Campus Ambassadors, Parkside's goodwill force. The CAs, now in their second year, are students who can answer the questions and address the concerns of students who are a bit apprehensive or frightened about entering college. Successful students themselves, they impart the survival knowledge they've accumulated through the years to help make college a less strenuous, more rewarding experience for the as-yet uninitiated. 9 Maintaining a higher profile is a priority of this year's Ambassadors. To that end, the twelve of them will be highly visible throughout Back to School Week, manning their Comm Arts concourse (adjacent to the Campus Store) and distributing information on Parkside's various clubs and organizations. So, if you have a problem and would like to talk to someone who knows where you're coming from, look for any of these Campus Ambassadors: Rich Borkowski, 23, is a senior sociology major seeking teacher certification. He's become a CA because he wants to "contribute something to other Parkside students and have an impact on the future ones^" Jenny Carr, 36, is a junior English major also pursuing a minor in women's studies. In addition to her work as a CA, Jenny is a PSGA senator, co-news editor of the Ranger and a tutor with the Academic Resource Center. "Being involved at Parkside has done a lot for my selfconfidence," she says. "And I feel other students could benefit from this type of involvement." Aldred Days, 20, is a junior criminal justice major who's also involved with BSO. "I'm interested in Parkside and in giving it a good reputation," he says. "I also want to help students make a smooth transition from high school to college." Bev Landreman, 55, is a sophomore political science and art major beginning her second year as a CA. "We only go around this academic life once," the president of Peer Support says, "so we should make the most of itlearn and enjoy." Kimberlie Kranich, 21, is a senior communication major and a first-year CA. "I'm a How to get involved at Parkside Campus Ambassador because I walked by the CA window last year and liked the feeling I got," she says. Kim is also active as president of the Parkside Association of Communicators, a Ranger conews editor and a member of the tennis team. Kathy Matranga, 23, is a senior psychology major seeking teacher certification. Also involved with chorale and chamber singers, Kathy "believes in Parkside's future and in welcoming and assisting new students." Chuck Metz, 21, is a junior communication major who is also a PSGA senator, a member of SUFAC and PSGA's treasurer. "I enjoyed being a CA last year," he said. "And I would like to see this year's CA's have even more fun." Carol Romano, 22, is a senior geography major seeking teacher certification. A member of cross-country and track, she's competed at the National Olympic Sports Festival. She likes being a CA because "I feel that the new, incoming students deserve a chance to get a view of the campus and campus life from a peer's point of view." Kay Rouse, 42, is a senior international studies major who is also involved with the honors program and the In- "Despite what students may have been led to believe by the faculty," says Bill Serpe, "there is more to Parkside than studying 60 hours a week." Serpe, chair of the Student Organizations Council (SOC), assumes the responsibility of stimulating extra-curricular involvement among students. ' 'The college experience can be so much more rewarding if students get involved outside the classroom," says Serpe. "Parkside has over forty clubs and organizations which offer all kinds of opportunities for students to grow socially as well as intellectually. "It's especially important," Serpe continued, "for new students to get involved. Starting college can be an overwhelming experience, and getting to know people who share your interests can help ease the burden of adjusting." SOC oversees the operation of the following academic-related and social clubs, most of which are open to all interested students: Accounting Club Alpha Psi Omega (Dramatic Arts) American Society for Personnel Administrators Anthropology Club Art Addicts Parkside Asian Student Organization Biological Sciences Club Black Student Organizaion Bowling Club Parkside Association of Communicators Computer Club Dance Ensemble Data Processing Management Association Doctor Who Speculative Fiction Society Parkside Society of Engineering Science Geology Club Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship Nordic Ski Club Parkside Activities Board Philosophical Society Peer Support Organization Physics Club Pi Sigma Epsilon Political Science Club Pre-Med Club Parkside Student Government Association Psychology Club Ranger Sailing/Sailboard/Ski Club Shooting Club Student Wisconsin Education Association Student Trainers Club Wargamers International Studies Club Campus Ambassadors Music Club Women's Studies Club Circle K (Kiwanis) Students interested in finding out more about any of these clubs can contact Serpe in the SOC office. Campus Ambassadors (front row, 1-r): Kathy Matranea Bev Landreman Jenny Carr Kay Rouse, Sandi Salals' Carol Romano; (back row, 1-r): Dan Vogt Rick iw' kowski, Blake Tope!, Chuck Metz, Kimberli! kranich Ah dred Days. (Not pictured: Julie Wunrow.) ternational Studies club. "I hope my enthusiasm for Parkside will be contagious," she says. Sandi Saladis, 22, is a senior music major seeking teacher certification. A member of chorale ensembles, she "has great feelings about Parkside" and wants "to share them with others to help build Parkside's image." In addition, Sandi has worked as a first grade Sunday school teacher for five years. Blake Topel, 19, is a sophomore math major seeking teacher certification. "I'm really excited to be a part of the Campus Ambassadors, and I'm looking forward to a great year." E>an Vogt. 19, is a sophomore political science major who s also involved with PSGA and the varsity track team. Elected to the fourth highest office in PSGA as a freshman, he wants to "make new students' first time at Parkside an easier experience." Julie Wunrow, 20, is a junior business administration major and a member of the women's track team. "I want to help incoming freshmen avoid the pitfalls of campus life." BACK TO SCHOOL WEEK Sept. 2-6 Tuesday, Sept. 2 "Ra<*to School" button distribution T-shirt sales begin ? °J New st "dent Revue begins stude^ Informational meeting for residential _ Wednesday, Sept. 3 2-4 om' F o r u m i n M a i n P l a c e Place Cut-Out plays on lawn outside Main in^a»hwa rk^ S,aXe ootebrlty bookstore cloth­ ing fashion show during band break vi A Thursday, Sept. 4 In PiS? ic and live music on the Pad f>U^'«^nim?'imu Peei :, SUP POrt °P €n h ° USe popcorn, glS open h ° Wn ^ 4nm* S " m p US s P i a s h o f f ^ P h y . E d . p o o l 8 om* <^ Cn er /f ame at home v< st Schoiastica. mission to new^Sf % Uni °" SqUa, ' e ' Free ad ' band*break^ Dan&Grfie id look-alike contest during r> Saturday, Sept. 6 dential students re& nai center °Pen - freG to resi " *00 <2 Gary L. Schneeberger Editor Jenny Carr Kimberlie Kranich News Editors Kay Murach Feature Editor Jim Neibaur Entertainment Editor Robb Luehr Sports Editor Dave McEvoy Jack Bornhuettcr photo Editors Andy Buchanan Business Manager Brenda Buchanan Asst. Business Manager Dave Roback Advertising Manager Steve Picazo Distribution Manager STAFF Ralph Abagian, Leo Bose, Jason Caspers, Mary DeFazio, Ronda Ditter, Lisa Donais, Gretchen Gayhart, Peter Hansen, Hans Hauschild, Holly King, Carol Kortendick, Rick Luehr, Vahan Mahdasian, Suzanne Mantuano, Kelly McKissick, Scott Osimltz, Julie Pendleton, Andy Tschumper, Jennie Tunkieicz, Tyson Wilda are Volely %™po!£ible^or^itetdit s . tu ? ent>i at UW-Parkside and they published every Thursday 'durina lhl P °"S y a "'' contcnt - R ° n9 er * breaks and holidays. '"ring the academic year except during All cor res pond c nee ., versity of Wisconsin-Parks^e Bni ^tL^ Parkaid e Ranger, Uniphone (m) 55,1-2295 or (iU Tsksooa-, 000 ' K™osha IV/ 531!, t- TeleAdvertising rates are X/! , . deadline is Tuesday at 9 a m for %l eSS in bulk - Advertising Letters to the editor will he Thursday, on standard size paper. Letter« '/ typewritten, double-spaced be signed, with a telephone numbe^it a* I 03? } hnn 350 words nnd must Names will be withheld »/,.«„ . J uded f°r verification purposes. for letters is Tuesday at in „ ™q l lest Deadline * \ Thursday. Ranger reserves iC HghUned^ ters and refuse letters - 9 , to cdlt lc tfamatory content. laming false and deTime7" * Pri "' ed *» Kiel no Journal Member of the associOTeo coneciaTe rRessi 0* Welcome back...to school! From the 1986-87 Ranger staff. Find out Friday! RANGER Tuesday, September 2, 1986 3 Welcome . . . An open letter to students Dear new Parkside students: We are excited about the upcoming school year. You should also be excited, because you're on the ground floor of something special. It is the beginning of a new era for the University of Wisconsin-Parkside. We have three new additions to our school that you should know about. Most of you already know that the Residence Halls are new. They will bring a new environment to our campus. For the first time we will have students who actually live on campus. We also have a new Chancellor, Sheila Kaplan, who comes to us this year from New York via Minnesota. She's new, with new ideas and goals to lead Parkside into this next era and into the 20th Century. Gary Grace is also new. He is our new Assistant Chancellor for Student Affairs. He has a wealth of knowledge in student services and brings years of experience in student housing to help ours move along. We want to let you know that besides your classroom work, your college experience should also include other activities — activities of your choosing. Some people look for purely social and recreational activities. Others look for more extensive work in the areas of their studies. There are also those who find activities which are both. Here at Parkside we have many organizations for you to choose from. We encourage you to look around, ask questions and get involved. We Parkside Board of Student Governors (I-r): Adrian Serrano, Bev Landreman, Bill Serpe, Marie Aiello, Gary Schneeberger. represent the five major organizations on campus and would like to tell you what our organizations do. Parkside Activities Board (PAB), plans most all the activities that go on around campus; such as dances, concerts, movies, trips, entertainers, etc. Parkside Student Government Association (PSGA), is the voice of the students to the faculty and administrators in campus governance matters, and the safeguards of student rights. Peer Support Organization (PSO), is the organization for non-traditional age students, to help make their entry into college as comfortable as possible. Ranger, is the student newspaper on our campus. It is run by students and comes out weekly. Any student can write for the newspaper. Student Organization Council (SOC), is the body of all the club presidents. They represent over 40 student clubs on campus, ranging from social to academic. Please seek any of us out if you have questions about our organizations. We will be than happy to help. Sincerely, Adrian Serrano, PSGA President Marie Aiello; PAB President Bev Landreman, PSO President Gary Schneeberger, Ranger Editor Bill Serpe, SOC Chairperson i i Animal House" Come and make a splash by Ronda Ditter Back to School Week will conclude with a big "splash" on Friday at 1 p.m. with a special Splash Contest at the pool in the Physical Education building. All students attending Parkside are eligible to participate. Participants will be judged in seven categories: costume, originality, height of splash, effort, poise, audience participation and sportsmanship. Judges and moderators will be present, with The "Double-F Twins," Gary Schneeberger and Bill Serpe, serving as event announcers. Prizes will include a $25 gift certificate redeemable at the book store. Seven $10 c ertificates will be given as second place prizes. In addition, all entrants will receive a token for a free soft drink at the Union and will be eligible for a drawing, offering valuable prizes, including another $25 gift certificate. All prizes will be awarded during half-time of the Parkside-St. Scholastica soccer game at 4 p.m. Participants must be present to win. Open swimming will be offered after the contest until 4 p.m. Two bands set to perform by Suzanne Mantuano To add to the festivities of Back to School Week, two bands have been hired to entertain the masses of new and returning students who will be attending the events. On Wednesday, the newly-formed Kenoshabased band Cutout will be performing outside Main Place in the grassy area from 2 to 4 p.m. "I heard about the band because their leader is a Parkside graduate. They play mostly dance rock and new wave music," said Adrian Serrano, president of the Parkside Student Government Association. In order to get new students to attend the functions of Back to School Week, the Live Entertainment Committee chose Wally Cleaver as its entertainment. "Our committee chose them because they are very popular around here. This way it will bring in more freshmen if it's a band they know," said Marie Aiello, president of the Parkside Student Government Association. At 8:30 Friday the doors to the Union Square will open. A half hour later Wally Cleaver will begin the first of their fifty minute sets. "The event Is to get more people out and to have fun the first week of school," Serrano said. "Sort of like a kick-off fun event." Cult favorite shown on Pad by Jim Neibaur Entertainment Editor In commemoration of our return to academia, the Parkside Activities Board (hereafter known as PAB), will be presenting the 1978 campus comedy "National Lampoon's Animal House." While certainly not among the most important cinematic achievements in the genre of comedy, "Animal House" is still a very apropro presentation for "Back to School Week." The film celebrates the lighter side of the college experience with doses of slapstick, anarchy, sex, and stereotypical attitudes. Director John Landis* purpose in creating this movie was apparently as a non-cerebral entertainment than an attempt at any serious competition with the work of Charlie Chaplin or Jacques Tati. What is genuinely important about "Animal House" is that it not only spawned a handful of future screen stars (most notably the late John Belushi), but altered the course of comedy in motion pictures. Since its release, we have seen a seemingly endless supply of brash upstarts in major comedy roles whose humor is about as subtle as The Three Stooges and whose attitudes exemplify the results of the seventies "Me Decade." In this sense, "Animal House" can be considered somewhat of a milestone. A more positive note about this film is that it is definitely far more entertaining than the abyssmal efforts — fro m "Stripes" to "Bachelor Party" - that have ridden on the coattails of its success. The film will be shown for free admission on the Union Pad at dusk. Bring your own lawn chairs. Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Parkside Ranger, September 2, 1986 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1986-09-02 Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Language A language of the resource English Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System accounting club alpha psi omega anthropology club biological sciences club campus ambassadors clubs and organizations computer club extra-curricular activity geology club music club parkside activities board (PAB) parkside asian organization (PAO) parkside association of communicators parkside association of wargamers parkside student government association (PSGA) philosophical society physics club pi sigma epsilon political science club pre-med club psychology club student organization council (SOC)