263 10 4375 https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/ce0b885c10a5718d718fe886a50e34f8.jpg 216f84c0bb243d2475ce2037e83b7d57 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Charles Nicholas Johnson Slide Collection Description An account of the resource Photographer and U.S. Army non-commissioned officer Charles Nicholas Johnson (1923-2005) was stationed in Tokyo from fall 1954 to September 1957. During this time he photographed color images, capturing everyday life in Japan, urban scenes, landscapes and representations of Japanese culture. The family of Charles Nicholas Johnson donated this collection of 260 slides to the archives in 2013. Many of the images were taken at Nikkō Tōshō-gū, a Shinto shrine established in 1617 to enshrine Tokugawa Ieyasu, the first shogun of the Tokugawa shogunate. For more information on Nikkō Tōshō-gū, please visit: <a href="http://www.toshogu.jp/english/">http://www.toshogu.jp/english/</a> Subject The topic of the resource Japan World war II Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1955-1957 Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Japan Creator An entity primarily responsible for making the resource Johnson, Charles Nicholas Source A related resource from which the described resource is derived UW-Parkside MC 036 Charles Nicholas Johnson Slide Collection Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Archives and Area Research Center Rights Holder A person or organization owning or managing rights over the resource. The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Steps up to a building Description An account of the resource Dark photograph of brick steps leading up to a building entrance. Subject The topic of the resource Buildings Stairways Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1955-1957 Type The nature or genre of the resource Still Image Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Color slide Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context MC036_136 Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Japan Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System Creator An entity primarily responsible for making the resource Johnson, Charles Nicholas Source A related resource from which the described resource is derived MC 036 Charles Nicholas Johnson Slide Collection buildings https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/29fa2e5d35d10674b9e6eb6aa1dcb807.jpg f884a9aa0223bb9b52c3b83fd094187d Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Photo Collection Description An account of the resource Photos documenting the history of UW-Parkside. Subject The topic of the resource History of Parkside Type The nature or genre of the resource Collection Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC002 Original Location Series, box, and folder number of original resource. UWP Archival Collection 02. Box 2 Folder 5 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPAC002_P_1018 Title A name given to the resource Steve Stephens Description An account of the resource Steve Stephens was the first coach in the UW-Parkside Men's Basketball Program from 1969 to 1982 . Under his leadership, the Rangers enjoyed a number of successes. The 1974-75 team was inducted in the UW-Parkside Athletics Hall of Fame, and holds the program record for most consecutive wins: 16. Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Black and white photograph Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Subject The topic of the resource University of Wisconsin-Parkside Athletics Faculty Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System Type The nature or genre of the resource Still image athletics faculty https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/16883b610abcf86a9fa3f1ed8e4e9fab.jpg b551567c6c03367c3ac38cf8fd95cd2a Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Charles Nicholas Johnson Slide Collection Description An account of the resource Photographer and U.S. Army non-commissioned officer Charles Nicholas Johnson (1923-2005) was stationed in Tokyo from fall 1954 to September 1957. During this time he photographed color images, capturing everyday life in Japan, urban scenes, landscapes and representations of Japanese culture. The family of Charles Nicholas Johnson donated this collection of 260 slides to the archives in 2013. Many of the images were taken at Nikkō Tōshō-gū, a Shinto shrine established in 1617 to enshrine Tokugawa Ieyasu, the first shogun of the Tokugawa shogunate. For more information on Nikkō Tōshō-gū, please visit: <a href="http://www.toshogu.jp/english/">http://www.toshogu.jp/english/</a> Subject The topic of the resource Japan World war II Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1955-1957 Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Japan Creator An entity primarily responsible for making the resource Johnson, Charles Nicholas Source A related resource from which the described resource is derived UW-Parkside MC 036 Charles Nicholas Johnson Slide Collection Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Archives and Area Research Center Rights Holder A person or organization owning or managing rights over the resource. The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Stone shrine Description An account of the resource A stone shrine with a stone lantern to one side. Subject The topic of the resource Stone lanterns Shrines Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1955-1957 Type The nature or genre of the resource Still Image Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Color slide Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context MC036_259 Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Japan Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System Creator An entity primarily responsible for making the resource Johnson, Charles Nicholas Source A related resource from which the described resource is derived MC 036 Charles Nicholas Johnson Slide Collection art monuments https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/d362e55b48fba874af09c364ffed2c1e.jpg 2a5410f06c3c5987987761b785ac6213 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Charles Nicholas Johnson Slide Collection Description An account of the resource Photographer and U.S. Army non-commissioned officer Charles Nicholas Johnson (1923-2005) was stationed in Tokyo from fall 1954 to September 1957. During this time he photographed color images, capturing everyday life in Japan, urban scenes, landscapes and representations of Japanese culture. The family of Charles Nicholas Johnson donated this collection of 260 slides to the archives in 2013. Many of the images were taken at Nikkō Tōshō-gū, a Shinto shrine established in 1617 to enshrine Tokugawa Ieyasu, the first shogun of the Tokugawa shogunate. For more information on Nikkō Tōshō-gū, please visit: <a href="http://www.toshogu.jp/english/">http://www.toshogu.jp/english/</a> Subject The topic of the resource Japan World war II Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1955-1957 Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Japan Creator An entity primarily responsible for making the resource Johnson, Charles Nicholas Source A related resource from which the described resource is derived UW-Parkside MC 036 Charles Nicholas Johnson Slide Collection Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Archives and Area Research Center Rights Holder A person or organization owning or managing rights over the resource. The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Storefronts on the Ginza at night Description An account of the resource Storefronts in Tokyo's Ginza district at night. Subject The topic of the resource Electric signs Night Stores and shops Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1955-1957 Type The nature or genre of the resource Still Image Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Color slide Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context MC036_101 Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Japan Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System Creator An entity primarily responsible for making the resource Johnson, Charles Nicholas Source A related resource from which the described resource is derived MC 036 Charles Nicholas Johnson Slide Collection buildings city at night https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/807d36a54bf8316c1d58f7025b6cf76e.pdf dc9233924cc24df10f8fcb9984c315c7 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Monumentto honor PSGA President Bovee Issue volume 21, issue 24 1/2 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document nside... Seven faculty members involved In drug rIng, Paga 5 Stephen King to serve as guest lecturer next semesEditorial ter. Page 7 ... Andy reveals the true evil running rampant over UW-Parl<side. See ft on Page 2 Stolen computer merchandise found in PSGA oftlCO Page 11 VOLUME21 ISSUE 24 1/2 U NIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN - PARKSIDE Monumentto honor PSGA President Bovee Patchey Andrew ber of William "The Regrigerator" . Editor-In-Hiding Perry of the Chicago Bears) . Construction on the o h . piece began several weeks ago . t ermembersofPSGA, following completion of thi~ particularly VIce president Dan year's PSGA I . Blak . e ecuons. e, were mstrumental in plan- "w k th . . nin d . . or on e project IS . g an orgamzmg the construe- coming along nicely - we should uon of the new monument, which have it completed within the next IS to become a permanent part of week,"saidUW-Parksideswdent the university on display with the and project foreman Jeffrey palm trees in the Main Place area. Ruggaber. "We had a little trouble "He's done so much for deciding on what style of font to us, forthe urnversuy, for me - I felt go with, hut other than that, things as though I had to do something to are going smoothly. This is goshow my appreciation for him. This ing to be one hell of a sight, when IS something that I ,know he will it's all finished." remember and cherish for years to The piece, which is excome," stated Blake. pected to measure approximately Bovee, who is now in fifteen feet tall, nine feel wide WashingtonD.C.lobbyingforstu- and six feet deep, is primarily dent gambling rights, was unavail- white with red and blue lettering, able for comment. and serves a utilitarian purposeas In the past year, Bovee well as an aesthetic one. has been instrumental in passing ''Not only will it be a university legislation guaranteeing thing of artistic beauty for the various student rights, including students of the university to look the right to smoke in open-air, 000- atfor years to come. itwill also be populated, non-university areas a great place for 'the Bovmeister' while it is raining, and the right to to store his Twinkies, as well," enter the Wyllie Learning Center staled Ruggaber. from any entrance except any 10- A large ceremony to cated on the D-Ievel or second or commemorate the unveiling of third floors. Continued on Page 2 THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 1993 The final artistic embelI~hmentsandfinishing touches are DOW being made on a large monum,ntLObe unveiled in the Lower Main Place on Thursday, April 15. 11tecreation,in honor of the dedicationand accomplishments of currentand recently re-elected ParksideStudent Government Associationpresident Eric Bovee, comes in the form of a large refriget1lLOrwiihBovee's name, the number 72, and the year em blazoned on it The idea for the form of the monument came as a resultof a recentincident in which a fan of Bovee'ssent "Fridge,' as he is affectionatelyknown to his friends, a brokenrefrigerator with "Bovee 172"written on it in magic marker. Outof his extreme modesty and kindness,Bovee immediately sent iheunitoff to the Salvation Army nbe given to a needy family. Bovee, a junior, played loolball while in high school in Antigo,WI and wore number 72 (whichalso happens to be the numThe nearly-completed monument to PSGA President Eri Bovee, that will be unveiled in a campus-wide celebration on April 15. Studen have been at work constructing the large sculpture for, cveral wee Kaplan to leave UW-Parkside Chancelloraccepts position at renown toon university to do a cartoon "bit" to show that ing to give the illusion of the dog they are capable of being in touch singing it. with their animated students. For Kaplan will be replacher "bit" Kaplan pulled a classic ing Dr. Porky Pig as the chancelcartoon piece of show business out lor, who was forced to step down of her hat, when she took a punch because his stuuering had adfrom a scissor-armed boxing glove vanced into more severe stages, loaded into a sledge hammer. so much so that people speaking Kaplan then pasted black x's over with him had to wear raincoats. here eyes and made her tongue On the lighter side, Cohang out. coa, the aforementioned dog beTo show their apprecia- longing to our beloved ex-Chantion for her knowledge of canoon cellor, lept up on the snack table slapstick, three certoon birds that and devoured cheesecake belongwere sitting on the selection board ing to newly famous cartoon star flew around her head and chirped. Ren of the "Ren and Stimpy As an encore, Kaplan put peanut Show".Renwasheardtoexclaim, buuerontheroofofherdogCocoa's "Cocoa, you bloated sack of promouth and sang "How Dry I Am" toplasm! I will kill you!" in time with the dogs frantic lickStudent apathy drops Hypnotist DeLuca under suspicion that our organizauon ucks, and I '10 the only mcm t, and that our water ski show consists of me runDIng across the lawn wuh my 1$ on trying to gei enough <peed to slide on the water, but this recent influx of members h given me hope. Imean that we may try and iocorporaic a john boa'lDtO the ac' now that wehav SOlo nerodnve .1." The Flying Fo h Aquatic Clown' howhasrarelybecn: n, because II normany tak place during the graduauon ceremony. This my tcnou currenee h been hnked to rm- fa mollS hypnotisl Tom DeLu 'a and PASAd,ctalor hlll y·W cut MurphmeybyUnovcrsltyP l hoiogy professor and pardDOm,al copert ConDIe LlDgu ,"I belie\ tMt Mr. DeLuca placed lbe Un"el'lly ,nlO post-hypnotl ugge 'oon which triggered b the ....a\ y line In '1urphmey' ele lion pholO,"Professor LlD&w remarked that the swdent population ....ould probably snap back 10 rt<UllYooce It sees student Brainl Madsap" bad hallCuL Hal Jalikakik Hal Jalikakik News Butt News Fella In a shocking revelation, a recent university opinion poll revealed that student apathy has dropped to near negligible in the last week. While student tumout at the recent P.S.G.A. elections was well below 10%, clubs in the last week have been reporting record allendance at meetings, and lbe volunteer center has actually has bad to tum away volunteers. "I was shocked!", quipped volunteer center worker Steve Dore. "We normally have to search for volunteers to load into our program. Now we are so loaded down with people that it's shocking." . Dorsal Fin Dave, president of lbe Hying Fish Aquatic Clowns that regularly perform a waler ski show in Guskin Pond remarked,"Say man, I don" know why oh why all these cats want to come ski with us. I mean it's normally so desolate at our meetings that I have to be the President. V ice President, Treasurer and Secretary. Dave said, " I know In a surprise move, ChancellorSheila Kaplan announced at a Il'essconference that she would be taking over as the chancellor of nny Toon University, located in !CeoicHollywood, Ca. The presidentof'Tl'U, Mr. B.Bunny,said at the news conference,"We're delighted to have her 011, doc. It isn't often you meet a womanthat can take a punch like 01' Sheila can," Mr. Bunny was of COarse referring to Kaplan's audiuonpiece. As parl of the screening ~ocesseach applicant was required Buckyball crashes in Main Place - six dead ping loose of its attachments and falling to the tables below. When reached for comment, an indignant vice-chancellor John Stockwell stated, "Hey, I told you so." Befuddled Chern Club advisor Dale Wheeler washed his hands of the whole affair. Continued on Page 2 wounding a dozen more. The model, constructed by the UW -Parkside Chemistry Club in an effort to publicize the newly discovered molecule and to raise the general awareness of the university community in science. hung precariously over Middle Main for several days before slipJoe Kane Feature Writer h Tragedy struck today as 1 e massive model of the ~uckmlnsterfullerene. or bUCkYball," suspended over MiddleMain Place crashed to the Iround, killing six students and I April I, 1993 1 THE STRANGERNEWS,Page 2 Editorial Parkside and its SATANIC core Patchey Andrew Editor-In-Hiding Through the past year here at what has come to be UWDarkside, we have all born witness as demons prancing about under the guise of "liberals," "democrats" and "pro-cnoicers" have spread their evil, leperous ways. We have seen as they wander around, preaching of choice and peace and freedom. We hear them tell their terrible tales of "clothes hanger abortions" and suffering at the hands of the righteous. If they didn't want their troubles, they should have forsaken their evil ways! It is time we all see them for what they truly are: children of SATAN! Mark my words, beloved ones, they are evil incarnate made camate. THEY will corrupt you. THEY will deceive you. THEY will tempt you out of the light and into the darkness of sin and blasphemy. Walk with THEM, and you will soon see a world different than that given us by Christ our saviour. Walk with THEM, and you will soon dishonor your parents, use the Lord's name in vain, even consume alcohol and other demon substances. You will engage in pre-marital sexual acts that will bring shame upon your name for generations. This could actually include intercourse. You may even be tempted into that sin of all sins, HOMOSEXUALITY! Worst of all, think with them and you will soon begin to think yourself! What terror, what evil has befallen us! Trust not their despicable ways. Trust instead in the love and the words of Christ and hisprophets. Use the Bible, the GREAT WAY, as your soul guide - with His words, you need nothing else. There is not even any need to think for yourself - it would only open yourself up to temptation, anyway. Let Christ and your spiritual guides direct your course. Use Christ as your guide and crush the blasphemers! We must come together now and stop this poison at its root! Save yourself while you still have time, children of God, before it is too late. Let the Lord's Book be your sword, let us vanquish the sinners and bend their twisted ways to the straight arrow of righteousness! Ebag's Bag Why I am a Republican Egab Akulk Columnar I am a Republican and darn proud of it. Never mind IranContra, the S&L crises, and twelve years of Civil Rights losses, because we got Rush Limbaugh! You know some stupid people might argue that most Republican's are just mindless sock puppets for rich people but not me! Hell no! 1 am a college student and I can think for my self. Never mind the fact that we like to cut fmancial aid, because no one, especially the underprivileged, deserves to go to school except the rich. Besides that, what is knowledge anyway? It's danger! Let'S go back to the old days. Back when America and apple pie meant something. Miranda rights? Who needs 'em. Robert Bork was right. And how aboutthe Cold War? 01' George Bush missed his shot at becoming a Cold War president, and that's why the economy went sour. There was no ridiculous escalation of weapons, and we couldn't increase the deficit without losing the bundle to Ross the Boss. At least George can claim the victory though. Being a Republican makes me proud. , Proud because I know my party is doing it's best to keep the morals of the country right where they belong. In the hip pocket of Pat Robertson. I mean who else would you have safeguarding our right to blame gays for AIDS, restrict reproductive freedom, and censor books. Maybe John Sununu, but he's got a keen job on CNN. Who else is going to scream that Hillary is running the country but us, the Republicans. You heard us complain about the Rodney King incident, didn't you? I mean we are right there, the voice of Rush Limbaugh, I mean America. We are the party that bought you greats like Lincoln, and Eisenhower. That was a while back, but hey, Spiro Agnew, and Nixon weren't so bad. Neither was Ford. Comm Arts Theatre to double as strip joint Lack of funding necessitates alternate usage Hal Jalikakik Moron A announcement by Keith Hearse, manager of the CommArts theater, has raised a few eyebrows around campus, as well as a few other things. Hearse stated that the recent budget cuts here on campus, "have forced us (the theater dept.) to find a more reliable source of income. We figured that a strip joint would be the best money maker for us." In order to accomodate the new format of the theater, the procescenium will have an extension "built on to the front of the stage, which will serve as a runway for the dancers. The theater will try and bring in big name acts like Tarzana the Can Crusher, whose act features a remarkable act of strength. Hearse said that the format will be topless, primarily because a totally nude format would be a "little tasteless". Buckyball disaster P'FM&'JvCs proudly presents its {atest culinary concoction... ((J)utr age (Q)u sliY §lillJrJP ri sin g Turkey ~ Continued from Page I Grievingparents heldacandlelight vigil Thursday in memory of the slain students and were informed at that time by representatives of the Bursar's office that they would still be responsible for paying the remaining tuition bills in full. One student, Bill Oney, had an outstanding library fine and so library officials blocked his burial until the fine was "taken care of." The Bursar representatives then thanked the parents and wished them a "nice day." In a related incident, Academic Skills "teacher" Phil Abramoff remarked, "I don't care ifthey're dead-they didn' tturn in their homework so I'm not giving them an incomplete." Dr. Ben Greenebaum, Chair of the School of Science and Technology, states that the buckyball was named by "Science" magazine as the "Molecule of the Year" in 199 I.Greenebaum added that the buckyball molecule (discovered in 1985) was only the third basic form of carbon ever uncovered, diamond and graphite being the others. Future uses of the buckyball include "lubricants, catalysts, and medicine." Ironically, one of the wounded students, Phil On£y $15.95 'WIiat a 'Deaf! JI. delicious blend. Of turk.!y, peas, beans, noodles, eggs, spit, fury, fianacuffs, and mace, Y1LJM:l Y1LJM:! 'Buy twe{ve ana receive afree stomach pump! 'What a 6argain! McCrackin, was majoring in Lubricants at the time of the calamitous event. First on the scene to assist the wounded with first aid were the attractive and personable Advising Center kingpin, Joyce Wisch, and Food Service cashier, Millie Vena. Cutting gauze for the bandages, Wisch asked Food Service head Jeff Wade, who was passing by at the time for one of the Coffee Shoppe's plastic knives. Wade responded that "There is a $.05 charge for all plasticware if no food or beverages are purchased." . When questioned for his reaction to the incident, history professor Frank N. Egerton remarked, "What?" Responding quickly, professor Don Kurnrnings, Chair of English and Humanities, stated that, "Here is yet another, uh, reason-sas if.we needed any-for a person to become an, uh, English major." The squinty-eyed prof then added, "I mean, uh-what's the deal?" An unnamed witness to the tragedy was heard to exclaim, "Oh, the humanity!" A support fund for the families of the buckyball victims has been started. Donations should be sent to The Stranger News. The coat check area will be transformed into a bar, where beer will be available for five dollars a can, and soda for three. Admission will be reasonably priced at ten dollars, with a two drink minimum. Dancing should stan April I 5th, in connection with the unveiling ceremony for the Eric Bovee monument. Auditions for dancers will take place April 2nd in the Stranger , office. Bovee Continued from Page 1 the monument has been planned for April IS. Edris Saldona, friend ofBovee and president of the Parkside Activities Board, is currently organizing the event and has reportedl y booked the legendary folk 000 Peter, Paul and Mary to play at the function. A main feature of the celebration will be a 500 foot Rice Krispie Bar that will have "We love you, Eric" written on it in Cool Whip. States university Activities Director Diane Welsh, "We really look forward to it [the event] - it's so rare that we are blessed with someone so gifted and giving as Eric, and even rarer still that we can recognize them in such a public manner. We here in the Student Life Offices are happy to be able to sponsor such a worthwhile and meaningful cause." All students are invited and campus administration is considering whether or not to announce the day a university holiday, which would mean a day off from all classes. A decision should be reached by the middle of next week. When asked for comment on the upcoming unveiling ceremony, university Chancellor Sheila Kaplan replied only, "I'm goin' to Disneyland!" £imitu{ time Only! ~ ...;;----------------------.....,...----------------------- ~ 1, 1993 J;~T~s~e;t ~to~i~n~v~a:d~e~U~n:l~· O=n~S~q~u-a-r-e--~M;=oV=;:ie=s ..=.==~::~T~HES~TR~ANC~ER~NEW~s.~Pag~e3 All time worst movie titles REFRIGERATOR SPACE AVAILABLE Sal Ahmey Feature Editor Original Gangsta/HardRapper Ice·T will perform Co~ hi I terial from is new re ease ~a ." Frida A '1 ''HornelnvaslOnnext n Y. pn 9 'n the UW·Parkside Union ~~are.The show will begin at approximately9:30 p.rn. with an openingset by the Racine-based 10k trio Fruit Salad, and will last :tll inlOthe night as tee-r show- (lSesmaterial from past albums including the platinurn-selting 'Il.G .. Original Gangster" and the recently controversial "Body Count." Opposition to the concert haS been voiced, with University officialsand campus police threat- ~ingto protest the event. Ice-T stirred up centroversylast year with his release of IDe graphic "Cop Killer," a song describingthe mindset of a maniacal character obsessed with killing r· lr I 1 police officers. Since the release of his "Body Count" album, Ice-T's record company ,Warner Bros., has been bombarded with complaints and protests from government officials and police officers all around the country. Continued threats eventually led to the reissue of "Body Count" without'Cop Killer" and, subsequently, Ice-T's defection to a different label. Since the announcement of the concert here at UW·Park· side, officials have received numerous complaints from students and faculty and have done their best to downplay the publicity surrounding the event. Union director Willie Kneebore reacted to threats from local law enforcement unions by commenting, "We at the University of Wisconsin-Parkside are not interested in pleasing the Kenosha Police Department. Our goal is In provide an artistic outlet to the students here." Other problems have arisen concerning security at the concert. Campus police officers have issuedastatement which stales that they will not be providing the secunty measures required to have a legal performance. One officer who wished lOremain anonymous: believes that the show could end in a riot. "That kind of music inspires VIOlence and Ifeel sorry for any students who are dumb enough lO auend. Unfortunately, we won't be on hand to protect anyone." Kneebore, whoreportedIy is a closet rap fan, responded to the Campus Police statement with a call to any soldier-of-fortune types who might want to "make a few bucks in the field." Pay for the onetime event will be negotiated on an individual basis. Concertprornotersexpect a large crowd and ticket sales begin at 9:00 a.rn. this Friday morning. For more information or lOsign up for security call (414) 555·2295. Roger Ramjet Movie Genius 10. Spies,Liesand Naked Thighs; a touching film of romantic intrigue. 9. Cannibal Women in the Ava· cado Jungle of Death; another tear-jerking romance. 8. A Woman, Her Man and Her Futon; what more needs to be said? 7. Chopper Chicks in Zornbietown: a true cinematographic masterpiece. 6. Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh; vampires, Franco Harris . what more could a guy ask for'? 5. Killer Tomatoes Eat France; gorgeous Parisien tomatoes! 4. TieMeUp!TieMeDown!;a psychological mind-bender. 3. Invasion of the Space Preachers; I think this one's hit UW· Parkside. 2. Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies; strange, but aspects of this one looked a lot like several of my geology professors. 1. Fearless Vampire Killers or Pardon Me But Your Teeth are in My Neck; as mom kept saying, always be polite! SIZZLERS TANNING We have the latest in tanning beds. lay down stand up and even a sit down models. These beds are the newest in the business. We guarantee in only one visit you will : have the best crows feet have at least a good start of Melanoma and have that corn husk like skin all in only 5 minutes! Yes that is only 5 minutes!! Call CRI.srv I Iam currentlysellingspacein my newly acquiredFRIDGE. AlthoughI'm sureit will be full by next week,rightnow YOU canput yourlunch itemsin my FRIDGE. MAKE YOUR LUNCH A PART OF mSTORY My newnumberis lBI-GBOY University of Wisconsin-Parkside The Stranger News "as if life isn't weird enough" not really a member of anything, least of all The Associated Collegiate Press 900 Wood Road Box 2000, Kenosha, WI 53141·2000 Editorial (414)555·2287 Business (414)555·2295 ID , Isclaimer: The Stranger News is a once· yearly, April 1 publica· tion presented by members of The Ranger News. Any and all information presented in The Stranger Newsis meant completely in jest: i.e., there. is little Orno factual basis for any of the stories publIshed m Ihis issue, and any and all names and characters Of all the different aspects of a fum the most underrated is the title. The title is the first thing noticed when looking at a movie in the video SLOreand it could become a big influence when choosing whether lO watch Lunatics: A Love Story or The Linguini Incident. Overthe years their have been some classic movie titles such as Bambi vs. Godzilla, Everything You Always Wanted lO know About Sex ... but Were Afraid lO Ask and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. But some of the best movie titles can be found just by searching the horror section of your local video department. And if you are lucky you may come across some absolute gem of a title like Blood Sucker from Outer Space and The Beautiful Blond From the Bashful Bend. These are actual movies that I have even seen rented on occasion. So in the spirit of movie titles everywhere here is my salute to the top ten bad movie titles of all time: The Stranger News Roll Call Editor.ln.Hiding patchy Andrew ~~~~c;;-;;;;;:::::::::::::: ...:': ..:': ::::::::::::::::::::::::~~a~i:~ Assislant Snooze Editor Some putz who never finished his tory C EdilO Sal Ahmey feature r.................... .' . Edi Roger Ramjet, MOVIe Genius The other Creature tor........ r Portz EditOr .......... :...... ·.......... ·..·· ·r;;~:;·h;;~~·~~~~~~~~i~C~ Assistant Portz Editor............................ . Ed ' Ciarise er Carlisle, er, Clorox, er, Carhse cwman Copy uors.i..«. " G be Ka I Kluka and a pan, er. . They didn't wanllO have anything lOdo With this AdvISors :.... Th didn't either Executive Committee · ·..· .e~ed . th' The coolest people in the world Everyone we piC on m IS issue who is not now gomg to ue us or wrile nasty. mean hate letters lO us about this, whom w~ thank. mentioned, while they may be in many ways similar to real persons, are fictional. If you happen to be one of the people that are similar to one or more of the characters contained within this issue, we sincerely hope .that you regard this issue with the light·hearted manner m which it was created. Thank you, and enJoy. - THE STRANGERNEWS, Page 4 April I, 1993 Softball player born with no eyespaints them on to appear normal _ DeNiro, Farley hide out in UW-Parkside sports program "Are you talking [0 me?", and we left. SNL regular Chris Farley has snuck onto the Ranger baseball team with the help of ASSistant Coach Burb Hurl. Coach Hurl said ,"Hey, most of these guys on the Jock McGoon Strap pin' Sports Stud eyes she was born with rounded radar receptors, which give the her the capability of fanning three dimensional pictures of objects in her head. She went on to say that she paints.eyes on her head just to give the il1usion of being normal. Members of the softball team are pitching in to buy ber blinky doll's eyes, which she can glue on. A memberofthe softba\l team, Shirley Szymczykowzashazamski, said that while Vacuseal"wil1 have to lean her head back lO appear like she is blinking, she will at least not have the horrible inconvenience of her eyes running off of her head while she is in the shower." Coach Achyheel added that the blinky doll's eyes will be a "really cool way to psych OUl opposing pitch-. ers." After school, Vacuseal plans to work at the Weather Channel as the first live radar. Savoir Faire Smoolhie Movie star RoberLDeNlro and Saturday Night Live star Chris Farley have been discovered playing sports at UW -Parkside recently. In a story that could be straight from the pages of the National Enquirer, with the difference being truth, a UW-Parkside softball player with no eyes uses a batlike radar to "see". The player, Raquel Vacuseal, admitted to Coach Toey Achyheel that she did indeed have no eyes, when he asked her last week why she didn't blink. Vacuseal told the Stranger sperts that she has an uncanny radar much like thatof a bat. This of course explains her stellar baseball playing abilities. Vacuseal said that instead of When we at the 01' sports department asked 'em why, they were more than happy to answer. Mr. DeNiro was busy tying it up on the wrestling mats when we caught up with him. The traditionally shy DeNiro was more than happy to chat with us, because we're swell guys down here in sports. DeNlro, a method actor, says that he is busy doing some work in preparation for his upcoming film on the WWF entitled Wrestling Bull. "I wanted to get away from the pressure of Hol1 ywood and New York, and I figured Parkside was the most obscure place I could find. Besides that, Coach Koch is a good fella.' When we asked Mr. DeNiro for his autograph he simply said, team are practically blind so they would not know a big star if one bit them." Unfortunately, Head Coach I Perrier says Farley has been doing just that, except with umpires. "Oh that Farley, he is a vicious bastard. The sonofabitch tookachompouta l an urnp last week for making a crappy call. He wasn't thrown out because the ump knew who he was, andwas shocked by his star power." Farley would not talk lo the Ranger sports staff unless we gave him some money. so we said, "Screw it", and 1 decided to make up some bad stuff about him. Both stars will be here thru the end of the semester. • c Peter 's:Flame Where all the really swinging cats go Thursday Night Specials: • All the Passion Juice you can drink for $2 • Live music from the Village People, • Free "dance lessons" from Disco Don Simply marvelous predicted to 0 snatch the total package • Timbo Ratkiss Sports God and Poet Khampane's thunderous spikes, Simply Marvelous is a shoe in to win the tournament. Pete is quoted as saying "Bring on Six Pack. We ain't scared of their { shit. Brian Gianetto sucksand Tim Radke is worse. Bring I that shit to us." Simply Marvelous is 1-3 overall. Located on the corner of 35th st. & Roosevelt ave. Kenowhere, Wi. Pete Khampane's "Simply Marvelous" is on a hot streak, winning their last 1 games in arow! Simply Marvelous is, therefore, picked to win the Intramural volley ball championship next week. Led by captain Pete -Rear entrance available JOE'S BAR COME AND DRINK TILL YOU SPEW Why waste your time doing term papers and reports when you have more important things to do? NO DRINK SPECIALS NO BANDS AND SOMETIMES NO BARTENDERS Call I-800-plagiarize - today! I~I~ JUST COME IN AND BLOW YOUR WHOLE CHECK Over thousands of topics to chose from! Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Stranger News, Volume 21, issue 24 1/2, April 1, 1993 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1993-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/26911b8d6e95035e56235e19196571e4.pdf 1baf6c0fb5d91678c186f3358ca428cc Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Issue Vol. 2 cubic feet No. 1 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document Nothing that is contained in this issue of the Stranger is intended to be factual. All names, pictures, and references to real people are purposely coincidental. However, if you wish to take anything in this issue seriously, that is your own damn problem and since we are printing this disclaimer you ugly people out there can't do a thing to us, you bunch of morons. Day 368 of Reagan's convalescence Utellum Correspondence School ranger Vol. 2 cubic feet No. 1 Bombed in Union A bomb blasted the Union Square yesterday, the direct result of a terrorist attack by a group calling itself CRAP (Crazy Radicals At Parkside). The group claimed responsibility for the incident, saying that it was the only way it felt it could get attention in an apathetic school such as this one. Parkside Security was immediately called to the scene, however, several security personnel were already inside the Square at the table in the back corner when the bomb went off. No one in the building was severely hurt. When asked why the bomb was planted in the Union Square, a spokesman for the terrorist group said only, "It seemed like the thing to do. We thought of the library first, but we know there's never anybody there." No one has been arrested in connection with the incident since, of course, whoever planted the bomb didn't stick around to watch it go off. Damage to the Square is estimated at about $23.68, not counting tax. Why do birds exist? by Doug resuahnedE FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Did you ever wonder what birds think about all the time? Do they even think at all? Were they just put on this planet to spew mindless, albeit wonderfully melodic, soliloquies? I prefer to think not. After all, wouldn't it be a trifle selfish of th e human race to deny our feathered friends, or any other of G od's creatures, the existence of intelligence of any substance? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Just taking the liberty to merely listen to the birds and not trying to give them any feedback, or at least trying to understand them. Birds could be very much like humans, if they really wanted to. But it just so happens that they decided to journey upon a different path of existence. They took to the air, opening up to themselves a much more efficient mode of transportation than we humans have. They don't have to squabble with other groups of birds over such subjects as fuel prices or import tariffs. I'm sorry. I just can't go on with this masquerade anymore. Birds are totally ignorant beasts that often fly into windows because they don't have the ability to tell the difference between a wall and their nests, and if they did have any intelligence they'd be burning each other's nests out of hatred and jealousy. They would continually be having species riots between different factions. What a laugh! Birds being intelligent. Nancy Reagan gets new jeans by C.B. Everybody knows about Nancy Reagan's clothes, and of the controversy and condemnation she creates by accepting new ones. All the "great" designers get to write these gifts off. Nancy, in turn, gives these "gifts" to museums, where visitors are sure to beat down doors to see the famous frocks. Well, hey, we want a tax break too! So Stranger proudly announces that sweet ol' Nancy will be the first recipient of our own special brand of designer jeans. These jeans will carry the elite ESAD* label. We feel Nancy is worthy of th ese jeans and should feel honored to wear them. Hopefully, they will catch on, for there are several other people in Washington who deserve to wear the ESAD label. * Eat Shit And Die John Hingstson has a problem. He's a chain smoker. New Dorms Itranger photo by M. Mole The administration announced yesterday that plans are being made to open the Parkside Dormatories. A university spokesman said the dorms will be located near the Village, giving the residents a panoramic view of the beautiful countryside surrounding Parkside. The building (pictured above) will not need any renovating. "That's OK," said the spokesman, "because we don't have enough money to even buy a welcome mat." And now, the news in brief by the never ending searcher of truth and justice, Pat Chickensiak. The teaching awards committee announced last week that they have had to cancel this year's teaching award. Associate Dean Michael Chasis, head of the committee was quoted as saying, "We were too late, we finally located a teacher worthy of the award, but we discovered that he'd just been non - renewed. Apparently, he was the last one." In other news, hundreds of students waiting for the results of their English competency exam have staged a sit-in in front of th e room where the faculty committee is locked in a bitter debate Gross Out Students are real slobs r by Carol Burns What's a quick way to get grossed out? No, besides that. How about the feeling you get when you go to a drinking fountain and find assorted filth floating within? Many times this can happen to you when you least expect it: when you are running to some class after charging up the stairs; before a big test; or when you are just plain thirsty. Okay, so this isn't a pleasant subject, but it happens rather frequently at Parkside. The crud found in these drinking fountains is not the fault of the cleaning staff. God knows they do their best to keep Parkside one of the cleanest in the state. They can only do so much, though, and if students keep filling Up the "bubblers," who could blame them if they go on strike? Come on now! Let's have a little class. This is the Big Time. Do all you perverts out there have to spit your chewed gum into our drinking fountains? Can't some of you smokers walk an extra ten feet to an ashtray to dump your butts? Do you people get some kind of weird thrill out of plugging up public fixtures? And another thing: All you rejects from "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" who like to clean out your noses with your fingers should know that you have cornered the market on gagging people. Of co urse everybody gets hungry when they have back - to - back classes, but you nose - pickers are going to have to try to restrain yourselves. Everyone praises self - reliance, but that's ridiculous. We are all adults, and there really is no place for this type of behavior at Parkside. Let's get these slobs to clean up their act before this school gets a bad reputation. as to what is correct. The faculty committee started the argument two months ago over the placement of commas, ahd they have gotten to the point where they must be force fed. Local area doctors have several times requested that the fight be stopped, but no one can seem to reach them. A plea has arisen from the spouses and relatives of the professors. Said S. Parakeet, wife of one of the professors, "All we want is to know that they are still alive in there." The Ranger will have more complete details on the subject next week. The Parkside security squad has had more than its share of trouble this past week. It seems that the entire squad was arrested by Kenosha authorities in connection with drug smuggling charges. According to police reports, the security force had an elaborate system of sm uggling in drugs to the Parkside Village. See next week's Ranger for more details. APPLICATIONS NOW BEING TAKEN FOR SPORTS EDITOR MAKE $3.35 per/hr. —12 Hrs./Week QUALIFICATIONS — Edit sport stories, write occasional sports stories, work well with others, be able to jump printing presses in a single bound, be innovative, courageous, single with no dependent children. Hate for all sports desirable but not mandatory. Inquire at the RANGER OFFICE WLLC D139 Farewell Follett Follies Stranger presents £ " ParkSid6 ' t0 "» •"** * *• theme from ..The I'm so mad we've had this time together, just to pay a lot for bad service. Seems we just get started and we pay a surcharge, comes the time we can say, good riddance. fvfit Athletic dirt revealed by Tammy Papermate This reporter has heard through very confidential sources, that Jim Cooky, coach of the Parkside wrestling team, will be announcing the engagement to the love of his life very shortly. The blushing - bride - to - be, affectionately known as the 'Crusher' to his closer friends is somewhat of a famous figure after his semi - weekly appearances on All - Star Wrestling. A few invitations have already been sent out. Among others, the 'Bruiser', the 'Masked Marvel' and 'Gorgeous George' have been invited. * * * The Parkside baseball team, newly dubbed the "Bad News Rangers" has had some pretty nice happenings as of late. This columnist is pleased to announce the signing of Kevin Biteher, former Ranger Shortstop to the Chicago Cubs. On Biteher's first appearance during Spring training, he attained the status of leading the league with a batting average of —.092. Way to go Kevin!! * # + In another light of Parkside sports, one of the main swimmers of the now defunct Swim Club has been approached by NGN movie productions to star in the up - and - coming new movie documentary of Esther Williams' life. After much snooping, or should I say investigating, it has been discovered that the swimmer with the initials of K. Z. (who wishes to remain anonymous) has signed the contract, and filming will commence sometime after his sex change operation. * * * Dick Freckle, the men's tennis team coach, was physically ousted from the Racine YMCA after trying to gain admittance to the women's shower room. Police reports have it that Freckle entered the building at 7:15 p. m. through a side entrance, and was discovered only after he had shot six rolls of Kodacolor film. Freckle will be appearing before a renowned judge in Racine on June 5. * * * This reporter has learned through VERY intimate relations with a certain Rat that the next men's basketball coach (if Bill Coalfield refuses to come to Parkside) will have the first name of Mike. I will learn the last name at my next interviews. Interuiew Godzilla and Gamera still battle it out by Dick Oberbruner Try as they may, Japan cannot get Godzilla, the prehistoric fire breathing lizard, and Gamera, the flying tortoise, to be friends. These two deadly giants have been using this island nation as their battleground for years. And Basketball budget increased by Karen Norweed Athletic Director Dwayne Whatthehell submitted the 1983 - 84 At hletic Budget to SUFAC last Wednesday. Although the new budget showed a marked increase in funds, the single major increase was for the basketball budget. The coaching position, which has now been vacated by Stephen Steves, will be filled by Bill Coalfield. The coach's salary will show a 110% increase from last year's salary with a sum of $75,000. Another new aspect of the budget will be that the players (for the first time) will be paid for their performances. They will be paid on a sliding scale for each game they play, they will start at $1,000 for the first win, graduating to $1,500 for the next win and receiving $500.00 in crements for each future victory. The players will also be penalized for losing games at $10,000 for the first game they lose, increasing by $5,000 per each game lost. Said Whatthehell, "We're hoping that this incentive program will improve Parkside's future basketball record. If this doesn't work, the basketball trainer, Hal Henderson has something else in store for those S.O.B.'s." As it stands now, there are many big names considering coming to Parkside next year. Obituary This week the Ranger staff is sad to announce the death of a fellow staffer, Karen Norweed. Karen, the former Sports Editor, was killed in a freak, tragic accident Wednesday when a large printing press crushed her. According to police reports, Karen was killed when a press "undamped" itself from the floor and "jumped" her. Karen has been the Sports Editor for the Ranger since the beginning of the fall semester, and she will be sorely missed by her fellow workers. One of her favorite sayings was, "I hate all sports." Funeral services will take place for the Smorlick High School graduate April 2, at the Swamp - Meridath Funeral Home at 2 p. m., open . visitation THE LATE, GREAT KAREN NORWEED Among them are Julius Erving, Meadowlark Lemon, Marcus Johnson, Kareem Abdul - Jabar and Fred Derf. Another substantial sum will be set aside for (in Whatthehell's terms) "Educational Assistance". Said Whatthehell, off the record, "We're going to buy those God - damned grades off of those S. O. B. professors or, if that doesn't work, I have confidential information that the local mafia (and you know who you are) will 'take care of it.' " Whatthehell further stated "if the Ranger prints one goddam word of this interview, you'll find your fricking printing press in a very uncomfortable spot." So, Ranger basketball fans, this season looks to be the most promising season in a long time. By the way, does anyone know where we can find another printing press? Register arms? by Emily Latellum What's all this fuss about arms registration? People all over the place are in a tizzy over whether or not they should have to register their arms. Well, I think it's silly. I've had my arms all my life, and nobody ever made me register them! If we let them make us register our arms, it won't be long before we'll have to register our legs. Next thing you know, they'll want a running inventory on the rest of our bodies! We have to nip this in the bud. Next time someone asks you if you've registered your arms, say "NO!" Tell them it's the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard! Tell them you have worn bare arms all your life. Tell them What? . . . Guns? ... oh . . . NEVER MIND! Tokyo, the capitol, always sustains the most damage. "I don't know why they use us hmm," snorts Mayor Fuji. "Every time the fight begins out in the hillsides. Then they gradually make way towards town, right uh huh." Tokyo has suffered uncalculable damage over the past 20 y ears. Fuji faults movie - makers for "egging on" the two behemoths for the sake of box office draw. "They've gone Hollywood," he lip - syncs. "Godzilla once dem and ed per s o n a liz ed sunglasses and we had to make some for him that's right." Godzilla claims Japan to be his turf. "I've been around a lot longer than he has" (referring to Gamera). This is true. His movie career spans the Japanese monster era. Godzilla was there from day one. The challenger, Gamera, came from outer space in search of another planet. "Yeah — I was looking for something closer to the sun. You know, the warmth and all. Earth is really fertile, and I like the Japan area. It has good climate and I especially like running through the rice fields and squishing the paddies between the webbing in my toes." Though quite concerned about the damage inflicted upon his city, Mayor Fuji is grateful to local architects and construction companies for their fine job of replanning. "We've been able to rebuild at an amazingly fast rate uh, thanks to complete cooperation from people of Tokyo." Asked about the troubles between he and Godzilla, Gamera responded: "He's ignorant. When I first came here I was looking for a place to stay. And, like I said, I enjoy this area very much. But the public thought I was attacking, what with the flames shooting out from my shell. But hey, that's just me. I have to get around. And they want protection, so they got that goon and it's been war ever since." War indeed. Each time his scales are ruffled, Godzilla uncontrollably shoots fire from his mouth, burning a city block or two. "I'll have to watch myself on that. But this feud has been going on for years. I get anxious whenever I hear he's (Gamera) around. I seem to kill him off but he always comes back." The two can usually be seen battling it out on Saturday afternoons. Check your local TV listings. Sneaky Previews reviews "Big Green Thing" by Gene Shiksa and Roger Prevert Gene: Hi, I'm Gene Shiksa. Roger: And I'm Roger Prevert. On today's edition of Sneaky Previews we will devote our entire time to one movie, the new block - buster film, co-directed by Steven Spielberg, Ingmar Bergman, and Orson Welles, "Really Big Green Things That Eat People." Gene: Let's look at a clip of that movie right now. INSERT FILM CLIP Gene: Wasn't that marvelous? I think this is one of the best movies made in the last fifty years. Those big green things really are scary. The special effects are spectacular. The acting is uniformly excellent, especially from Shelly Winters as the unwed teenage mother. I recommend this movie highly. Roger? Roger: Are you nuts? This film is abysmal. The directing sucks, and the green things are terrible. You know Gene, you have no taste whatsoever, you balding geek! Gene: Is that so, fatso? You want to talk taste. You don't know what the word means. After all, you wrote the screenplay for 'The Valley Beneath The Cave Of The Ultrasluts' didn't you? Roger: That movie was art, you bozo. Gene: Art my Aunt Fanny. That movie belongs with our dogs of the week, speaking of which, here comes Spot the Wonder Dog. Spot: Woof! Roger: Get that damn dog away from me. Last week he peed on my leg. Gene: Just shut up you slob. Roger: I will not you freak. Gene: What are you doing with that gun? Roger: I've had all I can take of you. Take that! Gene: Ha ha you missed. You can't even shoot straight you . . . Arg! You got me! Roger: That's all for this week. Goodnight. Gene: Moan . . . thud. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Bombed in Union Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Stranger, Vol. 2 cubic feet No. 1, April 1, 1982 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Student publications Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1982-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Text satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/bbb0753cd8ff96181335f667c122e9b7.pdf 53e1d877fb780c804741821ec2bd38fd Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Ronnie topic of public forum Issue Volume 8, issue 25 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document f Utellum Correspondence School Nothing that is contained in this issue of the Stranger is intended to be factual. All names, pictures, and references to real people are purposely coincidental. However, if you wish to take anything in this issue seriously, that is your own damn problem and since we are printing this disclaimer you ugly people out there can't do a thing to us, you bunch of morons. Day 5,789 of Iranian Crisis ranger Vol. 1 - No. V2 Ronnie topic of public forum A public forum discussing the stupidity of Ronald Reagan, the top Republican candidate for the presidential nomination, will be held tonight at 7 p. m. in Comm. Arts Theater. The forum, entitled "Is Ronald Reagan Really That Dum or Is He Just a Good Actor?," is expected to bring to the public's attention the many banal and asinine comments the candidate has made. The panel includes Jerry Ford and Barbara Timm, who know how to be highly stupid, and Mohammad Ali and Farrah Fawcett, who have bad acting down to an art. One point that will probably be brought up throughout the forum is Reagan's habit of q uoting facts and figures from the numerous newspapers and magazines he reads on the campaign trail. That's how the star of "Bedtime for Bonzo" attributed his repeated blunder of "Alaska alone has a greater oil reserve than Saudi Arabia." It doesn't really matter that Saudi Arabia has 18 times as much oil as. Alaska because Reagan read otherwise in the National Enquirer or Star or some other reputable publication. Another good Reagan - witicism is his response to the Three Mile Island incident. "The accident in Pennsylvania showed how well nuclear systems work despite human errors," the one - time California governor said. The fact that Reagan has only been an actor, baseball radio announcer and state governor, has caused some people to wonder about Reagan's handling of foreign policy. But one Reagan press release tried to brag about the 17 trips abroad the candidate has made in his political career. Reagan, the press release says, met "the King of S iam" in 1971. The release must have meant that he met Yul Brynner because Siam changed its name to Thailand in 1939. But many voters feel presidents don't have to pay too much attention to countries such as Siam/Thailand, so Reagan's lack of knowledge isn't important when voting for President. It doesn't even matter that Reagan can't place the name of France's President Giscard d' Estang. "Who's heard of France anyway?" will most likely be the argument of s ome of the forum's panelists. "He doesn't know any better," admitted one of Reagan's aides, "because he's a fool. But that's one of h is strengths — the people, overall, are fools and of course they want one like themselves to lead us into the future." People have their chance tonight to hear both sides and then decide for themselves. The forum will only last two hours due to the unlimited examples of Reagan's stupidity, something he himself has admitted to. "Sure, I'm dumb," Reagan once said, "but I believe the people are even more stupider." Orange Room INCOMING FRESHMEN will be fully initiated into the customs of the university when given a full tour of the campus. One of the highlights of the tour is the Orange Room, one of this institution's oldest traditions. THIS IS IT INSIDE • • • Lungs. . . nexi tu tlic heart Heart. . . next to the lungs Gonads. . . a new punk group? W\AAAAA#%AA#%A»»AA#*AAA#*#% Security tries recruiting A SECURITY OFFICER snags a prime candidate for the force as recruiting begins this week. The Parkside office of Safety and Security has announced that they are in the process of searching for new recruits. Many of the officers that were working for security are no longer employed there for one reason or another. Turmoil within the organization has led to numerous injuries and even a death or two as a result of gunfights in the Tallent Hall office. Security head Don Blinkman pointed the finger at one member of the force, but wouldn't mention her name because as he said, "she scares the piss out of me every time I see her." "She's a real mean sucker," adds Blinkman, "Once one of our supervisors tried to talk to her about always being late and she wrestled him to the floor and got him in a full nelson and bit off both of his ears." This officer has also caused damage to a couple of vehicles used by security. "Any time one of the cars won't start she bites off the tires and throws them through the windshield and then flips the car over." Ever since the Parkside administration allowed the security officers to carry guns there have again been numerous reports of students being shot at for simple traffic violations. Any students caught walking on the grass usually get a warning shot that hits the ground in front of them and then if they don't hurry they generally get a foot shot off. "I just don't know how to control her any more," adds Blinkman. "I think I'm just going to let her have my job just to get her off the streets. Of course I'd sure in the hell hate to work for her. I've had a couple of threats against my body by other officers saying I should get rid of h er. But how the hell do you get rid of something like that without a platoon of Marines? And even that would have to be a volunteer force as many of them would not likely live to tell about it." Anyone wishing to work as a member of security should send a letter to: Death Wish, Box 404, Stranger. —Coming Events— THURSDAY, MAY 8 LECTURE at 11:45 a. m. in Union 106. Professor Andrew McLean will talk on "The poetry of Unionism." The program is free and open to the public. RECITAL by students at 2:00 p. m. in the Union Cinema. The program is free and open to the public. COURSE "Women: Financial Planning" starts at 7 pm in T181. Call ext. 2312 for more details. Sponsored by UW-Extension. FRIDAY, MAY 9 CONCERT at 8:00 p.m. in GR 103 featuring Susan Gulick. The program is free and open to the public. SATURDAY, MAY 10 MOVIE "Every Man for Himself and God Against All: The Myster of Kaspar Hauser" will be shown at 7:30 p. m. in the Union Cinema. Admission at the door is $1.50 and the program is open to the public. Sponsored by the Kinesis Film Series. TUESDAY, MAY 13 SEMINAR "Surviving Divorce" at 7 pm in T181. Call ext. 2312 for more details. Sponsored by UW-Extension. FRIDAY, MAY 18 MOVIE "That's Entertainment" will be shown at 7 :30 pm in the Union Cinema. The movie is open to the public and being sponsored by the Kinesis Film Series. Admission at the door is $1.50. SATURDAY, MAY 17 BUS TOUR "Old World Wisconsin" at 8:30 am. Call ext. 2312 f or reservations. Sponsored by UW-Extension. SUNDAY, MAY 18 COMMENCEMENT at 3 pm in the Physical Education Building. The program is free and open to the public. Editorial Barbara Timm for diplomacy i So, Jimmy Carter has done it again. After Cyrus Vance resigned as Secretary of State, our great fearless leader appointed Senator Ed Muskie to the position. Now what is the peanut vender trying to pull? Does he really think that the people of this esteemed country will believe such an incredible lack of tact and know how? We all know that Muskie has no experience dealing first-hand in foreign affairs, so why was he appointed? It seems that Carter could've found someone to take the position that has the talent and experience necessary to handle this important job. Why take a good Senator from Congress when he knows that there are people more qualified. Who is more qualified? There is one person among us who has proved herself both qualified and competent for this diplomatic position, Barbara Timm. That's right. This woman of the world is really going places. Who else had the guts to talk to the Iranian militants on their own level? Who else is about to stand up for his or her beliefs to the point of disagreeing with our often misguided federal government? I say that Mrs. Timm is quite a lady. She began as a normal U.S. housewife with a patriotic attitude. She even gave her son to Iran to prove that she would give anything for her country? Now is that the kind of of thing a Senator would do? Of course not. All they want is a new office and a pay raise so they can go to all of the Washington parties and hire well-endowed girls for secretaries. What would Barbara Timm do with such a secretary? It's not too late for President Carter to reconsider. He must make sure that the right person is doing the job. But how can we, the U.S. citizens, get him to appoint Barbara Timm to the office? Stranger has found a way — a draft Barbara Timm campaign! We'll not stop at anything to accomplish our goal. Because we believe in truth and the American way, we will fight this 'til the very end, when Mrs. Timm is sitting in Washington D.C. as Secretary of State. If you'd like to contribute to this worthy cause (That's right, it's going to take lots of money!) send a check or money order to: Timm for Diplomacy c/o Stranger Utellem Correspondence School Theyran, Uran Your contribution will be tax deductible, so hurry we don't have much time. We have to start preparing the champaign dinners and parties for the White House staff right away. If you can't, for some formidable reason, send money, start a petition in your neighborhood. The following is what your petition should say: We the undersigned United States citizens give our total and uncompromising support to Mrs. Barbara Timm of Oak Creek, Wisconsin that she may be appointed as Secretary of State for our beautiful country. We believe that she alone is capable of getting the 50 hostages out of Iran through her prayers and communication with the militant students. Again, your speed is important. We must act now! Don't let America be served rotten peanuts again! Letters to the Editor Neighbor tells all To the Editor: Do you remember last week Thursday, Huh? It was about 30 degrees outside and there was a nasty nip to the air. Remember? And the wind was off the lake, real brisk and chilly. You remember. Well, late in the day — after whatever warmth we did get was long gone — I saw something I thought you might be interested in. Because it concerns your staff. I saw one of my neighbors forcing her innocent, helpless child out into the cold evening air in a sKiTt ana scan — notning else. No coat. No hat. No mittens. Not much different than the usual with those people, but this time, it was too pitiful hearing that helpless little 2-year-old scream, "No mommy, NO! Don't make me do it." And her mother, the fiendish bitch, just kept pushing her along with this big pointy stick, while these two shady-looking men, who were her accomplices, I guess, laughed. It was awful. Then they made the poor little kid do all sorts of strange things with a garbage can. When they started taking pictures, I couldn't believe it. I feel like puking just thinking about it. Or maybe it's time for one of my pills. That's the sort of perverted sickos they are, though. I could tell you stories about that household that would curl your hair. Last year, they didn't cut their grass one time for over two weeks. Now I ask you, is that sick or am I ready to take another one of my darling little pills again? They say the woman is some kind of student besides working on a newspaper. A student of what, I'd like to know. I can just about guess. Some of the people I've seen (from my window) going in and out of that pig-sty look kind of funny, too. Stumbling around and muttering garbage about some girl named Mary Jane. I don't even go over there for fear what they have is catchy. Not that I would even lower myself to associate with that kind. Ick! I've just got to have another one of those sweet, lovely, delicious little pills. Be right back. Well, I feel much better. I feel great. But that was my last one. Well, I haven't seen the woman around the last couple of days. Maybe she finally got what was coming to her. I hope so. The last weird thing I saw over there was this big box set out on their front porch for the mailman. Addressed to someplace behind the Iron Curtain, for Pete's sake. It figures. They would know somebody communist. It's funny. I haven't seen the woman around ever since the box disappeared. Well, maybe that man she lives with (I don't believe they're married. None of th at kind is.) finally got fed up with that crazy Women's Libber and had her put someplace where they can teach her to iron and vacuum like the rest of us decent women. But I'm still worried about that poor little girl. I just hope somebody helps her. I can't take it anymore. I'm out of those sweet, darling, delicious, mind-blowing little pills, and I feel like my teeth are going to jump out of my mouth and do a tap dance on the table here, so I better go now. Sincerely, G. Helgeson's neighbor Upset over stolen towel Dear Editor: This is addressed to the halfbrained, syphilitic cretin who so kindly stole my towel while I was showering last week in the Phy-Ed building. I know the world situation sucks, but things are really rotten when you find that some cancerous spawn of a toad has surpassed himself in new lows, mainly by leaving you to drip-dry for two hours before you can get dressed, simply because they didn't have enough common sense to remember their own towels. I hope your genitals rot! Name Withheld, P.S. My doctor says that my body lice should clear up in a few weeks, so if you wake up in bed some morning with a lot of friendly little white creatures trudging through your hair, don't be surprised! Reader disgusted Dear Ms. Editor: (This is not to refer to the editor of any column entitled Ms., but refers to the editor of the newpaper as a Ms.) I wish this letter to be printed for the purpose of attacking all of the disgusting and tasteless stories that you are undoubtedly going to print in this final issue. Knowing that there will be no next issue for people to object to the stories in this issue, I am taking this opportunity to do it. However, by not knowing exactly what kind of mulch you are going to print I cannot attack any specific topic, with the possible exception of your lack of tact and total irresponsibility of the method in which you try so failingly to represent the news; Come to think of it, all that is necessary is to pick up a copy of the April 24th issue of the Ranger and make note of a ll the junk that is enclosed in it. On the very first page is a terrible display of the Ranger's willingness to tout it's own bullshit and who gives a fuck anyway accomplishments. The awards banquet story and picture are prime examples of t his attitude. I noticed right away that the picture printed showed the table in which your useless staff was seated at. Of c ourse these was a photographer at this revered event. Upon opening the issue to page two, I chanced to glance at The Globe at a Glance and I noticed that this was another of the many sections of the paper that are totally ignorable. And again, next to that column is a picture of o ne of the ever so important Ranger sponsored contests, which was probably fixed because I didn't win anything. Moving on I read another apalling bigoted article condemning another race of Gods children. How can you possibly print any of these abhorable racist articles and look yourself in the eye and say you're a true American. Besides, there's only one thing I hate in this world worse than bigots and that is of course Eskimos. Your next page entitled Spring has Sprung is really a leaker. Yours news editor or feature editor, or whoever is responsible for that page, must be a couple pickles short of a jar. Here is a prime example of wasted space — No T & A a nywhere. The classified section of the paper used to be the high point of the paper, if there ever was one. That has really gone downhill since you limited the number of ads per person, thus eliminating all of the meaningful communication between students. As far as the sports section is concerned, it isn't really worth while to comment on such unimportant dribble. Overall, your paper is nothing to be proud of, but it has proven useful for lining my bird cage, paper training my dog, and wrapping my fish. Sincerely yours, X Ranger enjoyed Dear Editor: I have thouroughly enjoyed your past issues of t he Ranger. I found the news very enlightening, the features both humorous and entertaining, and the sports informative and up to date. Rfkgie dkslto yp aksmcer .. . Sorry, they don't let me play with machines like this very often. By the way, what is a Ranger? And what does daylight look like? I have never EDITOR seen it. , Ayatollah Utodoit FEATURE EDITOR, Ayatollah Himtodoit NEWS EDITOR, Ayatollah Hertodoit SPORTS EDITOR, Ayatollah Iwondoit PHOTO EDITOR, Ayatollay Leemeoutadis BUSINESS MANAGER, Ayatollah Moola AD MANAGER, Ayatollah Cashit CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD, Ayatollah Notooelectme PUBLIC RELATIONS, Barbara Timm REPORTERS Alfred Hitchcock, Jimmy Durante, Elvis Presley, Bing Crosby, Judy Garland, Lou Gehrig, Benjamin Franklin, I. M. Dead. Stranger is written and edited by students of the Utellem Correspondence School, Theyran, Uran. It is published every time a W. E. Embassy is overtaken by Mickey Roonie's ex-wives or Liz Taylor's ex - husbands. Letters to the editor will be published if complementary, truthful, and made from letters cut out of magazines pasted on a piece of yellow paper. Stranger reserves the right to execute anyone stupid enough to like our paper. v / TBA presents a CONCERT featuring "TO BE ANNOUNCED" Where: To be announced When: To be announced Admission: To be announced Tickets available at TBA outlets everywhere STRANGER From the Sandbox Annie speaks Shooting Shoelaces People with flapping shoelaces can sigh with relief because Joe Tie was gunned down today by police. Before he was killed. Tie murdered his fiance, yelling, "I had to do it . . . her shoe laces were flapping!" He also wounded three innocent bystanders during the shooting. The irony of it all ... the bystanders weren't wearing any shoes! Dead fly dilemma by A. Helgeson All semester, I've been patient with mother. It's been difficult sometimes, but I knew I would get my chance. And boy, have I got something to say. About mom — or "mommie dearest," as she pinches me into saying. You readers just don't know how hard it is to sit in that cabinet under the sink with all those spiders and mousetraps and Lemon Joy all the time. How did you think she gets her column done, anyway? Did you think she gave me cookies or milk and said, "Go play now sweetie"? Are you kidding? Every week it's "Get under the sink so I can write!" Now t hat you know, what do you think. I know you're supposed to sacrifice for art, but I think that means she should suffer, not me, and that garbage she writes is hardly art, anyway. I tried to tell her that last week as she stuffed my chubby little legs in to the cupboard again, but there's just no reasoning with her. She said, "You're only two, Annie honey, so how do you know?" Then she tied the doors shut and I whimpered. I used to scream. But no matter. I took care of her. After the garbage can fiasco, I determined that I was simply not going to let her tantrums and rages overpower me again. And I feel lots better now. Daddy won't catch on to what I did for a long time. Especially since I promised him a Harley-Davidson XL-1200 out of the deal. Mom never would let him have one. Oh yeah, that reminds me. You know the ad with the really cute little blonde girl and the garbage can? Well, you don't have to send any money to the Ranger if you want to help that poor creature. You can send it all to me and I'll get it to her for them. I'm sure we — I mean she, gets about $6,000 by May 30 or they'll have to send back the motorcy — I mean food and clothes. Addenda to book on etiquette by Ann Landers, co-edited by Rosanne Rosanna Danna Nature requires that unusual things will happen to people from time to time that could prove to be embarassing if not handled with proper etiquette. There are other embarassing incidents, however, that are extremely embarassing no matter how one handles them. These incidents happen to all of us at sometime. In order to show poise and grace, one must be able to handle even the most terrible episodes with care. To be prepared for the worst is to be considered a member of the elite in etiquette circles. Take the following incident as an example: You are at a summer cocktail party at the home of a friend. Because of the warm stuffy weather, the host suggests that the party members migrate to the screened in porch. You follow - your host out of t he house and find yourself a chair near the wall. Your host, noticing that several flies have managed to sneak their way in, picks up a fly swattter and battles the flies. As flies drop everywhere under your host's masterful swatting, you noti ce that one of h is victims has fallen from the wall behind you, landing on your cheek. Of course, it sticks because the swatter smashed it. What should you do? Your first reaction would be to jump up and scream. Don't do it. You have four options that will deliver you gracefully out of this embarassing incident. The first to be considered is this: Cover the fly with a cupped hand, check to see if anyone is watching that may have seen the fly land, and excuse yourself to the lavatory where you can carefully remove it with toilet tissue and wash the area. Your second option is slightly more risky than the first because you won't have the aid of the lavatory mirror. Turn the cheek with the fly away from the other Stranger guests, take a tissue or hankerchief and pretend to blow your nose. In so doing you may remove the insect and camouflage the incident. If you just returned from the lavatory, you may use this option and not have to worry about the host or the other guests asking if s omething you ate didn't agree with you. The third option takes a strong stomach but can be very unnoticable if the fly is positioned correctly on the face. All you have to do here is make a quick whisk of the tongue and swallow the insect, thereby getting the whole incident over as quickly as possible. Uninformed guests will think that it was a crumb from that delicious devil's food cake served earlier. The fourth and final option should be used only if eve ryone in the room witnessed the event and it can't be handled in a discreet manner. Point to the fly, laugh and remark, "Look at this! I may have started a new fad Organic Face Decoration!" In this way -all those present will be relieved that you are able to see humor in such a drastic event. It may also open up a whole new area of dis cussion at an otherwise dull cocktail party! Review 'Little Darlings by JohnW. Gacy What a disappointment! I heard that "Little Darlings" was about two pubescents trying to lose their virginity. That's great! What pissed me off was that it was about GIRLS. Whippy shit! That's no f un. As many people know (myself very much included) nobody cares about young girls with nothing to give away even if they wanted to. Weirdos! That's who cares about queer things like that! And also old war veterans who walk around drooling all over themselves recalling earlier days of watching those European tarts strutting their stuff in war-torn Europe. See what, war does to people?! Hetereosexuals!! It's sickening. "Little Darlings" should star Leif Garrett and Jimmy McNichol instead of Kristy McNichol and Tatum O'Neal. Then I would have even agreed to be executive consultant. I know how Leif and Jimmy should lose their virginity. Ooooh, all sorts of kinky filings. I'd have to refrain from killing them, of course, because the Hollywood executives wouldn't like losing their big-money stars. But I wouldn't mind. With all those other young obys in the film I should be able to bury a few of them in my basement. I'm only trying to start a Youth Foundation in my neighborhood, for Christ Sakes! Since "Little Darlings" was miscast and I wasn't asked to be part of th e production, I could not watch beyond the first ten minutes. I did find two new young friends in the theater after a long, complete search, though. The film is not worth seeing unless you happen to find some meat to bring home. Otherwise, there are better things to do. Tonight I'm going to dress in my clown costume and go see "La Cage Aux Folles" again. That's always fun, but I'd rather see Leif and Jimmy. IS here ***AAAAAAAAA#WAAAAAA#V jjtJRi i!gi IW 8 PA.B. 1 ctaaomaaoKfi (Parkside Actively Bored) presents FREE ALL THE DRUG & SEX YOU CAN HANDLE FEB. 30, 2001 From 5:00 AM TO 5:01 AM Save This Child From Her Mother This child has been under lock and key in a cabinet under a kitchen sink for two (2) semesters. This federation found her minutes after her escape from her home. You can see here the desperation of her circumstances. For only $5 you can have the assorted diapers, cookie crumbs, and broken battery powered toys and this child. You can make a difference in this child and her mother's life if you can act now! Send your cash or credit card (might be returned) to: SAVE THIS CHILD'S MOTHER FEDERATION c/o Ranger Office The Coffee Shoppe Chronicles STRANGER Burglar hunting becoming big sport by Moore On You've heard of the American Sportsman, the "other" type of athlete who ventures into the wild forest and wooded area. He's the big, strong woodsman, the Hunter. He tracks his prey for sport, the challenge being all important. A new type of hunting that is gaining in popularity offers everything that the woodsman encounters. Its called Burglar Hunting. This new form of hunting in your neighborhood that you are going on vacation for several weeks and they shouldn't tell anyone. This will spread the news of your vacation very quickly. After word is out that you are going on vacation, load up a few things in your car to make it appear as if yo u really are going. Drive your car to a predetermined area out of your neighborhood and park it. Then begin the journey back to your house. Most hunters wait until is as challenging and as rewarding, if not more so to the burglar hunter, then to the common hunter. Burglar hunting in simplistic terms is the trapping and liquidation of burglars. To join in the hunt, all a person needs is a large caliber weapon, a house with some valuable material goods such as a portable television set, a stereo unit, large amounts of money laying around, a microwave oven, and so on. This is where the baiting of the burglar begins. If you live in the city (where most hunts do originate) tell the small children dark for their return because it's harder to be recognized and also they are given the chance to play Mugger Hunting. Mugger Hunting is somewhat of a warm-up to Burglar Hunting. When you have finally found your way home, enter through the rear door. This is obvious, but many beginners make the mistake of entering through the front door. U.R. "Killer" Deade, considered an expert Burglar Hunter explained "It's just like any other sport. When you start out you really don't have any concrete experience. And no matter how many of my books you've read, there is nothing like experience. "Going through the front door is a cardinal sin, but after going on a few hunts, the hunter will develop a second sense about things like that and they will come naturally." Next comes the hard part — the waiting. Here the hunter patiently sits, alone, desolate, hoping for a prey. One day passes, then two and eventually even more. Said "Killer", "This is probably the toughest part of the hunt. You're all by yourself with no one around to talk to. Sometimes beginners take a partner along, but when they eliminate their prey, they don't know how to split the kill and this has ruined many friendships. Another thing about the waiting is that you are in the dark all night and in camouflage all day because the curtains are open and you don't want to be spotted. Most hunts take several days because you have to wait for the mailbox to get full and the papers to lay around. An added touch by some hunters is to have milk delivered to their house while they are away. After these things build up for a few days, the burglars will be attracted. Then the real action begins." While the hunter anxiously awaits, he becomes fidgidty, alarmed at every noise he hears, he sometimes starts to imagine things. You have to remember that for days he has had nothing to live on except for the few rations he has stored away. Finally it happens, there is a break-in. A real scum sucking, commie, pinko burglar is entering into your house. "There is only one way to describe the feeling one has when you hear somebne in the house — it's like having an orgasm," Deade explained. At this point, the hunter has the advantage. He knows the layout of his house, and he has the surprise factor in his favor. "I usually let them have the run of the house for about seven minutes before I put a couple of slugs into them. They are still jumpy for the first five minutes and most of them want out after ten minutes. So I help them out after seven minutes." After the Burglar Hunter has won his prey, they used to bury the body behind the garage. Not any more. "John Wayne Gacy has really made things tough on us Burglar Hunters. We can't use our favorite burial grounds anymore. Used to be we blast them and bury them. Now we blast them and mail them. You wouldn't believe how much it costs to mail a burglar. But a Burglar Hunter is in this for relaxation and enjoyment, not for the money," U.R. concluded. If you want to read U.R.'s two books, Burglar Hunting: The New Sport For The Macho Man or Burglar Hunting: How Not To Get Caught, send $9.95 for one or $18.00 for both to: Joliet Federal Penitentiary Joliet, Illinois 60202 Wealthfully yours Surviving water crash by E. Kennedy With all the emphasis on safety and defensive driving, the Stranger figured that students should know just how they would handle themselves in any situation. This week is the first in a series of articles on specific situations that could happen to you at sometime in your life. I mean,=, things like this happen to everybody. It's not so unusual. It could happen that you'd be driving along after a party and a bridge jumps up and throws your car over. You never know. That's why I've formulated this little quiz for you to take, to see if you could survive a car crash in the water. 1. Would you go to the police right away? Yes, No. If so, you've already flunked. 2. Would you tell them the truth? Yes, No. If yes, don't plan a political career. 3. Can you stutter? Y-y-yyes, No, I never tried. 4. How hung up are you on gravity? I always fall down The local radio station head for a weather steps,— uses my balloon. 5. Do you have a fishing license? Yes, No, 1 don't like the worms. 6. Are you a name dropper? Never, Only when my family name will get me somewhere, Of course, my favorite is BeBe Rebozo. 7. If you found a man lying in the gutter with joints stuck in his ears, three gunshot wounds and two knives in this back, would you consider it Suicide, Homicide, Food for the rats. 8. Do you feel paranoid if someone tries to pick you up at a late-night party? Not at all, I'd take the person for a long quiet drive, I don't know, I can't answer now because someone is watching me. 9. How long can you tread water? A h alf a minute, Three hours, Ten years. 10. Have you ever seen "A Bridge Too Far?" Never, Once, Fifteen times. classifieds 1. All paid classifieds must be initialed by a staff member. 2. All classifieds must include social security number and signature of 3. Limit one free classified per person. advertiser. PERSONALS SINCE THIS is our last Ranger don't look for the form. BABY HEAD loves Mr. Potatoe Head! DAVE McL. — What is a love life? Do you know? DAVE — Rejection hurts. DAVE — I h eard jocks are aggressive — what happened? DAVE — only in your dreams. DAVE —6 inches is average . .. Where does 2 place? Below Average DAVE — When God created horny men he didn't have you in mind! DAVE — I've heard of giving second chances - bot 35? DAN — How do you survive? LORILEE — Happy Birthday! Sam & Lady STEVE, I love wasting time with you! Jan PHIL — see you at your graduation party - signed W & W Club MED TECHS make better lovers. HEY PAB — How about a canoe race! PHIL — We need you. Please come. Debbie at Debbie's Escort Service. THE BRIGHTEST Star always shines in the Darkest places, Today, Tomorrow, and hopefully Forever. MOLDY CHOLITA, Te quieres casar conmigo? Seremos muy felices. El Peruano. HEY BUNS — Never tickle me during the Full Moon - Dimples IEH GUYS — Thanks for a good s semester. Love y'all. miK I PHELTA THI RULES OVER the Animals, especially Erica Jensenica. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Glen J., Jon R. and Mike W. Denise DEAN SIVLEY is a definite 10. DAVE — Nice going at Drake. Remember your promise. Love Jill THANK GOD there are wonderful people to make this better. P.V. 105 kicks ASS, Gallow, O'Connell and Spears promise good parties and a 4th roommate whose cool. 1980-81 school year. U.U.C.S. GOES underground for the summer. Have a good one. U.U.C.S. ANNOUNCES honorary members: Refomatsky, Claisen, Jose, Wittig, KilianiFis- er . . . * PHIL, do it to me one more time. Steve THE BEST of lOP's Chain Gang, Anne Elk, TTF follows . . . JACK DUDLEY, Find your files yet? Glad to be gone TINY BUBBLES, in the wine make me feel happy . . . D.H. JUNG, IT sounds like a personal problem. Loren SIGMUND, IS that a structural problem? Jung THE ROUNDTABLE has latent Cobol tendencies. Sigmund Freud HE WHO laughs last missed the joke. LIFE IS but a dream which merely lags reality. LIFE IS but a dream, SH-BOOM, SH-BOOM BUT I'LL cut your socks till the sock cutter comes. I'M NOT a sock cutter, or the sock cutters son. I'VE GOT an itch. Napolean ONLY THE good die young. B.J. BRONTOSAURUSES ARE thin, then thick, then thin again. Anne Elk SALLY SELLS seashells by the seashore. Ten times fast RANGER, WE put in 76 ads. They better be there! DARN RIGHT they are - it won't be as easy next time. STRANGER IS cumming so should you. I AGREE. ME TOO. WINK MARTINDALE Smile-alike contest. Inquire MOLN 117 anytime. lOP's ROUNDTABLE: WAS fun insulting you. See you next year. lOP's LUSCIOUS PEACHES, juicy plums, tasty nectarines, summer bartlett pears. Refreshing! WENCHES FORGET the Blanstens. Join the lOP's. Chain Gang DOES THIS mean I'm logged off? BLANSRENS CRIPPLE Parkside ants and earthworms for practice. Chain Gang A & W Rootbeer has that frosty mug taste. lOP's THANKS, THANKS. All those who signed ads for us. lOP's NIMRODS who didn't sign ads - repent next year! lOP's MALE CADAVERS are incapable of yielding any testimony. EVERYBODY SHOULD skip Data Structures (ACS 340) on Friday DECWRITER BELL ringing party in Mo 117. Inquire CA 120 E. God. REVOLVING LITHIC conglomerates accumulate no congeries of green bryophiticplant SEIZE CAESAR'S scepter. Comm Arts 120 E. Dan G. LEIH DOWN, Leih down, Leih italldown. Bill M. DID YOU know peoples last names are based variables? Leih KVP IN 1996. KVP in 1996. KVP in 1996. lOP's WAKE FOR Pail 8, Shovel Party. "The End' ROUNDTABLE: ABSOLUTE last chance fall off a cliff. lOP's ANIMALS: LAST chance for Monopoly. Friday at 3. lOP's ANIMALS: LAST chance for ITTSTK game. Friday at 1. lOP's ANTI COBOL Club meeting: every day in CA 120E (ask for Tom). STABBIN' CABIN is cruising for a bruising'. Chain Gang REMEMBER: USE the 'BYE' command to log off your terminal. THERE SURE isa hell of a lot of. lOP's TIC-TAC-DOUGH interviews. Inquire MOLN 117 for details. DID YOU know that Prof. Applebaum's class is cancelled? lOP's FINAL FOR Pat Cheney Art Class. May 16, Moln 117 RUBBER BABY buggy bumper bouncing party. Child Care Center BILL, WHEN can we see each other again? Laura H. WANTED — PEOPLE to extinguish grass fires at Parkside. Physical Plant. FR. SPITZ, alas I miss the poor infidel. ROUNDTABLE CANNOT get bug insurance. lOP's TOM — WE have taken collection we can play with decwriters. TOM: DECWRITERS still aren't toys! Chain Gang RING MY bell! Tom and Uncle Bill ANNE ELK look-alike contest. Test - tube children not allowed. GINGER! CHECK for divide by zero! Chain Gang FETTERED FRIENDS: If you use a zero in the formula referred to, you are 1) not a student, 2) not enrolled as such, and 3) not the purchaser of college - level texts and so do not have any need for the formula referred to. Finally, it takes a zero to recognize a zero. Abstractly, zeroes form the links in your supposed chain, and everyone knows zero multiplied by any given amount still equals the big 0. DEJA VU — I think I've seen this ad before. THE RANGER is already strange. Stranger go home. Chain gang WHAT IS the specific gravity of Isopropyl alcohol Jill? Keith. DEJA VU — I think I've seen this ad before. LARRY: YOU'D better come to RHPS during "The End" D.R.I.P.S BODY. ENGLISH. TEA. TIME. SECOND. BANANA. SPLIT. WOOD. Chain Gang IT'S BOOTLESS to become lachrymose over precipitately decanted lacteal fluid. JILL SLIMMER: Are you high? Jill Slimmer LIFE IS like paper toweling. When it rains you pour. ALL ARTICLE that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. GOLLUM: TRY to kick the Hobbit Gandalf. FOR SALE. Broken Decwriter. Thought it was toy, broke bell. Inquire CA 120E. OWENS: Shit-throwing party today in Moln 117. lOP's LIFE IS but a dream, shaboom, shaboom, splat! Chain Gang SIC EQUALS Stranger is coming. THE STUDENTS for Nuclear Rationality club is now officially formed. All perspective members please contact, Terry Rasmuser, Kelly Starks, or Patty Craig. WE KNOW that the lady of the Lake's name is Grezelda, Excalibur is a potato, the Holy Grail is a dixie cup, the Roundtable is a barrel of muscatel, and Camelot is neighborhood bar. Jabberwocky. and the lOP's. OTHER COBOL Bimbo's: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest you with permanent log trans errors. lOP's SUE STEVENS. What nore can we say? (Lots!) Chain Gang CHAIN GANG: Lots? Better start collecting valid ID's! SO FAR, it's been one big WOW! You know what I mean. TO ALL Ranger Staff: To be sentimental . . . I'm so glad I go t to know you all this year. You are all now included on my list of people who I would like to survive a nuclear holocaust with. G. Helgeson RANGER STAFF . Thanks for a helluva year! The Boss HELP! WHAT did I g e myself into? May 9th boss. WILL THE last person leaving Parkside turn our the lights? Bo Weevil WANTED PEOPLE TO sign Ranger ads for next year. Chain Gang. PEOPLE TO beat Larry at Tic-Tac-Dough. Wink Martindale WORK WANTED: Student needs job for next fall. Contact Sue Stevens in Ranger office (553-2287) if they haven't kicked me out by then. PEOPLE TO congrecate in RJE. Inquire Uncle Bill CA 120. FOR SALE 1972 HONDA, XL125, Enduro - Excellent condition. $450 . 886-9034 (racine area) 1974 MAVERICK 58,00 mi. auto, trans. $495. 634-4188 (after 6) BOY-FRIEND, SLIGHTLY used, never abused, runs good, mint condition-best offer. 551-7589 FOUND 552 ,772? F d3rk P ' aS,iC 9lasses in Molinaro. MISC. TYPING AVAILABLE $1.00 per page. Contact Joan WLLC D195. Ext. 2605 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Stranger, Volume 1, issue 1/2, April 1, 1980 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1980-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPAC124_19800401_stranger.pdf satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/3f7233ea6f324a3179b4c512c156c742.pdf a488d27ed054db19463b708883157db4 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Dancer denied Supreme Court seat Issue Volume 16, issue 25 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Stranger, Volume 16, issue 25, March 31, 1988 Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1988-03-31 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/af37a865f84451378a28c81af252c1fc.pdf 115c1087103488a2229c23e84ea34373 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. PSGA announces world takeover Issue Volume 3 cubic feet Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Stranger, Volume 3 cubic feet, March 31, 1983 Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1983-04-31 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/9726f15ba889bcd538aee2b14a58b228.jpg b4ccbf8939eda23a9a92dc845d831e2f Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Daniel Klapproth World War II photographs and letters, 1939-1945 Description An account of the resource Personal papers of Daniel Klapproth, a Somers, Wisconsin, native who served in Panama and the United States during the Second World War. His photographs of the nature, people and towns in Panama provide a first-hand look into the life of a U.S. soldier in Panama in the 1940s. His letters, written to his mother, also provide insight into the mindset of a native Wisconsinite, experiencing foreign lands and people for the first time. Subject The topic of the resource World War, 1939-1945—Veterans Military Bases—New York, Panama, Texas, Mississippi Somers (Wis.)—History—Sources Still Image A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials. Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPMC045 Original Location Series, box, and folder number of original resource. UWP Manuscript Collection 045. Box 2, Folder 2 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPMC045_P_045 Title A name given to the resource Straw houses Description An account of the resource Straw houses can be seen in the center of the photo, as well as trees and bushes. Type The nature or genre of the resource Still image Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Black and white photograph 2.75 x 2 in Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Panama Subject The topic of the resource Villages Nature Trees Huts Creator An entity primarily responsible for making the resource Daniel Klapproth Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available UW-Parkside Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System