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              <text>"He left me alone- with her- and I hated her for making me suffer and I hated myself for hating someone I really loved who was the only one in the world who really loved me and who couldn't help being what she was… Talk about guilt!!! No wonder I reject guilt now and avoid at all costs the compromises that create it. No wonder that the man I chose to love was tsrong and quiet like a rock- insensitive perhaps, and critical too, but in control. No wonder when I first discovered 'romantic love' I picked a person who's 'all head', who's rational and evaluates every factor, who can be trusted. No wonder I projected my forgotten fears when you drove recklessly, drank emotionally, stared at me or held me desperately in front of others, and spilled out your feelings about us to my closest friend time and time again. No wonder I hoped you would seek professional help,,, because having you 'in control' of yourself would release the thought I just realized was going on and on in my head during this chaotic time: 'if you got your adult in control, perhaps my nurturing parent would let my natural child come out to play with your natural child.' But you kept losing control... until last week. And when we talked on Sunday after your R and R, and on Wednesday after you read my journal, and after readidng your beautiful expression of feelings many time over. I sense a power and stability in you that will help us make decisions about our relationship that will benefit us both. Jeanne (There are three copies of this letter: one to you, one inserted loosely in Phyllis Sweet's copy of my journal, and one for me to keep.)"</text>
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              <text>"Dear Barbara, The fear that I felt of you was genuine, and it was scary because I haven't felt that feeling in many years. And yet it has served a purpose because you put it finally at rest when you said that the fear must be from my bad tapes. That started my thinking and remembering, and it made me realize why I couldn't accept your love. It wasn't the love I couldn't take, but all the irrational tapes you played when you were not alone with me. You were a different person during our afternoon talks. 'It wasn't the afternoons that bothered me; it was the Friday nights,' I heard myself say to you. You must understand that I couldn't again risk the chance of depending on anyone who was not in control of themselves or of risking hurt by loving them (him/her). I can't cope with uncertainties again after surviving supreme erratic behavior from my very beginnings (which I suffer from yet each day when I visit my mother or of her visiting me.) With this jarring of my fears my memories revived and again I relived the feeling of holding on- holding together tenuously by my fingertips all the strings and fiber in the fabric of my youth. I cannot- I won't let this happen to me again.  I remembered the shocking sound of the shattered glass in the middle of the night when my mother shoved her fist through the windowpane and the cold shivering trembles that blew in through the space and through me. I remembered arguments and fights with dessert at dinner. I remembered the embarrassment of watching my father chase her as she ran half-naked out the front door. What would I have done if I had been alone with her then, I remembered thinking at the time. This was decided later on when I tied her feet and hands to the four posts of the bed so I could change her Kotex; so I could nap exhausted after watching over her when dad went to work; so she couldn't hurt herself- or me. I remembered waking once to see the scissor-slashed portrait of Jesus Christ hanging crooked on the wall. And the rainy night when the sheriff called. They had answered to a call about a woman pacing up and down a country road with a dog. It was Mother and it was our dog. They picked her up, but I ran for miles and for hours screaming for Lady in the night... I remembered my father leaving me alone with her to join the Navy... World War II... Living with Grandma... Lutheran school...a foster home..." </text>
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                  <text>Jeanne Arnold (formerly Jeanne Chalekian) is a lesbian feminist author of Racine, Wisconsin. Arnold was born on November 14, 1931. She attended the University of Wisconsin-Racine Extension for two years and continued her bachelor’s degree in English education, library science, and journalism at UW—Madison, graduating in 1953. In 1952 she married Harry Chalekian and became the mother of two children. In the 1970s she divorced her husband to begin a life with her partner, Barbara Lindquist. Lindquist was born on May 25, 1930. She earned an associate degree from Wright Junior College in Chicago and a B.A. from UW-Parkside in 1971. &#13;
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