135 10 4375 https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/fc84d4945707bb155a28d98940e53bf8.pdf 5c3a8d810825ac8a2129161608bed50f Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Serpe celebrates in Mad-City Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Parkside Stranger, April 1, 1987 Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1987-04-01 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/d2bd5566b6eb93638daae7da08c8af75.pdf 0212072b54cc1376672f3b5fd28ba8b5 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Gushkin Slain Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The National Midnight Stranger, April 1, 1984 Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1984-04-01 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/af37a865f84451378a28c81af252c1fc.pdf 115c1087103488a2229c23e84ea34373 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. PSGA announces world takeover Issue Volume 3 cubic feet Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Stranger, Volume 3 cubic feet, March 31, 1983 Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1983-04-31 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/26911b8d6e95035e56235e19196571e4.pdf 1baf6c0fb5d91678c186f3358ca428cc Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Issue Vol. 2 cubic feet No. 1 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document Nothing that is contained in this issue of the Stranger is intended to be factual. All names, pictures, and references to real people are purposely coincidental. However, if you wish to take anything in this issue seriously, that is your own damn problem and since we are printing this disclaimer you ugly people out there can't do a thing to us, you bunch of morons. Day 368 of Reagan's convalescence Utellum Correspondence School ranger Vol. 2 cubic feet No. 1 Bombed in Union A bomb blasted the Union Square yesterday, the direct result of a terrorist attack by a group calling itself CRAP (Crazy Radicals At Parkside). The group claimed responsibility for the incident, saying that it was the only way it felt it could get attention in an apathetic school such as this one. Parkside Security was immediately called to the scene, however, several security personnel were already inside the Square at the table in the back corner when the bomb went off. No one in the building was severely hurt. When asked why the bomb was planted in the Union Square, a spokesman for the terrorist group said only, "It seemed like the thing to do. We thought of the library first, but we know there's never anybody there." No one has been arrested in connection with the incident since, of course, whoever planted the bomb didn't stick around to watch it go off. Damage to the Square is estimated at about $23.68, not counting tax. Why do birds exist? by Doug resuahnedE FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Did you ever wonder what birds think about all the time? Do they even think at all? Were they just put on this planet to spew mindless, albeit wonderfully melodic, soliloquies? I prefer to think not. After all, wouldn't it be a trifle selfish of th e human race to deny our feathered friends, or any other of G od's creatures, the existence of intelligence of any substance? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Just taking the liberty to merely listen to the birds and not trying to give them any feedback, or at least trying to understand them. Birds could be very much like humans, if they really wanted to. But it just so happens that they decided to journey upon a different path of existence. They took to the air, opening up to themselves a much more efficient mode of transportation than we humans have. They don't have to squabble with other groups of birds over such subjects as fuel prices or import tariffs. I'm sorry. I just can't go on with this masquerade anymore. Birds are totally ignorant beasts that often fly into windows because they don't have the ability to tell the difference between a wall and their nests, and if they did have any intelligence they'd be burning each other's nests out of hatred and jealousy. They would continually be having species riots between different factions. What a laugh! Birds being intelligent. Nancy Reagan gets new jeans by C.B. Everybody knows about Nancy Reagan's clothes, and of the controversy and condemnation she creates by accepting new ones. All the "great" designers get to write these gifts off. Nancy, in turn, gives these "gifts" to museums, where visitors are sure to beat down doors to see the famous frocks. Well, hey, we want a tax break too! So Stranger proudly announces that sweet ol' Nancy will be the first recipient of our own special brand of designer jeans. These jeans will carry the elite ESAD* label. We feel Nancy is worthy of th ese jeans and should feel honored to wear them. Hopefully, they will catch on, for there are several other people in Washington who deserve to wear the ESAD label. * Eat Shit And Die John Hingstson has a problem. He's a chain smoker. New Dorms Itranger photo by M. Mole The administration announced yesterday that plans are being made to open the Parkside Dormatories. A university spokesman said the dorms will be located near the Village, giving the residents a panoramic view of the beautiful countryside surrounding Parkside. The building (pictured above) will not need any renovating. "That's OK," said the spokesman, "because we don't have enough money to even buy a welcome mat." And now, the news in brief by the never ending searcher of truth and justice, Pat Chickensiak. The teaching awards committee announced last week that they have had to cancel this year's teaching award. Associate Dean Michael Chasis, head of the committee was quoted as saying, "We were too late, we finally located a teacher worthy of the award, but we discovered that he'd just been non - renewed. Apparently, he was the last one." In other news, hundreds of students waiting for the results of their English competency exam have staged a sit-in in front of th e room where the faculty committee is locked in a bitter debate Gross Out Students are real slobs r by Carol Burns What's a quick way to get grossed out? No, besides that. How about the feeling you get when you go to a drinking fountain and find assorted filth floating within? Many times this can happen to you when you least expect it: when you are running to some class after charging up the stairs; before a big test; or when you are just plain thirsty. Okay, so this isn't a pleasant subject, but it happens rather frequently at Parkside. The crud found in these drinking fountains is not the fault of the cleaning staff. God knows they do their best to keep Parkside one of the cleanest in the state. They can only do so much, though, and if students keep filling Up the "bubblers," who could blame them if they go on strike? Come on now! Let's have a little class. This is the Big Time. Do all you perverts out there have to spit your chewed gum into our drinking fountains? Can't some of you smokers walk an extra ten feet to an ashtray to dump your butts? Do you people get some kind of weird thrill out of plugging up public fixtures? And another thing: All you rejects from "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" who like to clean out your noses with your fingers should know that you have cornered the market on gagging people. Of co urse everybody gets hungry when they have back - to - back classes, but you nose - pickers are going to have to try to restrain yourselves. Everyone praises self - reliance, but that's ridiculous. We are all adults, and there really is no place for this type of behavior at Parkside. Let's get these slobs to clean up their act before this school gets a bad reputation. as to what is correct. The faculty committee started the argument two months ago over the placement of commas, ahd they have gotten to the point where they must be force fed. Local area doctors have several times requested that the fight be stopped, but no one can seem to reach them. A plea has arisen from the spouses and relatives of the professors. Said S. Parakeet, wife of one of the professors, "All we want is to know that they are still alive in there." The Ranger will have more complete details on the subject next week. The Parkside security squad has had more than its share of trouble this past week. It seems that the entire squad was arrested by Kenosha authorities in connection with drug smuggling charges. According to police reports, the security force had an elaborate system of sm uggling in drugs to the Parkside Village. See next week's Ranger for more details. APPLICATIONS NOW BEING TAKEN FOR SPORTS EDITOR MAKE $3.35 per/hr. —12 Hrs./Week QUALIFICATIONS — Edit sport stories, write occasional sports stories, work well with others, be able to jump printing presses in a single bound, be innovative, courageous, single with no dependent children. Hate for all sports desirable but not mandatory. Inquire at the RANGER OFFICE WLLC D139 Farewell Follett Follies Stranger presents £ " ParkSid6 ' t0 "» •"** * *• theme from ..The I'm so mad we've had this time together, just to pay a lot for bad service. Seems we just get started and we pay a surcharge, comes the time we can say, good riddance. fvfit Athletic dirt revealed by Tammy Papermate This reporter has heard through very confidential sources, that Jim Cooky, coach of the Parkside wrestling team, will be announcing the engagement to the love of his life very shortly. The blushing - bride - to - be, affectionately known as the 'Crusher' to his closer friends is somewhat of a famous figure after his semi - weekly appearances on All - Star Wrestling. A few invitations have already been sent out. Among others, the 'Bruiser', the 'Masked Marvel' and 'Gorgeous George' have been invited. * * * The Parkside baseball team, newly dubbed the "Bad News Rangers" has had some pretty nice happenings as of late. This columnist is pleased to announce the signing of Kevin Biteher, former Ranger Shortstop to the Chicago Cubs. On Biteher's first appearance during Spring training, he attained the status of leading the league with a batting average of —.092. Way to go Kevin!! * # + In another light of Parkside sports, one of the main swimmers of the now defunct Swim Club has been approached by NGN movie productions to star in the up - and - coming new movie documentary of Esther Williams' life. After much snooping, or should I say investigating, it has been discovered that the swimmer with the initials of K. Z. (who wishes to remain anonymous) has signed the contract, and filming will commence sometime after his sex change operation. * * * Dick Freckle, the men's tennis team coach, was physically ousted from the Racine YMCA after trying to gain admittance to the women's shower room. Police reports have it that Freckle entered the building at 7:15 p. m. through a side entrance, and was discovered only after he had shot six rolls of Kodacolor film. Freckle will be appearing before a renowned judge in Racine on June 5. * * * This reporter has learned through VERY intimate relations with a certain Rat that the next men's basketball coach (if Bill Coalfield refuses to come to Parkside) will have the first name of Mike. I will learn the last name at my next interviews. Interuiew Godzilla and Gamera still battle it out by Dick Oberbruner Try as they may, Japan cannot get Godzilla, the prehistoric fire breathing lizard, and Gamera, the flying tortoise, to be friends. These two deadly giants have been using this island nation as their battleground for years. And Basketball budget increased by Karen Norweed Athletic Director Dwayne Whatthehell submitted the 1983 - 84 At hletic Budget to SUFAC last Wednesday. Although the new budget showed a marked increase in funds, the single major increase was for the basketball budget. The coaching position, which has now been vacated by Stephen Steves, will be filled by Bill Coalfield. The coach's salary will show a 110% increase from last year's salary with a sum of $75,000. Another new aspect of the budget will be that the players (for the first time) will be paid for their performances. They will be paid on a sliding scale for each game they play, they will start at $1,000 for the first win, graduating to $1,500 for the next win and receiving $500.00 in crements for each future victory. The players will also be penalized for losing games at $10,000 for the first game they lose, increasing by $5,000 per each game lost. Said Whatthehell, "We're hoping that this incentive program will improve Parkside's future basketball record. If this doesn't work, the basketball trainer, Hal Henderson has something else in store for those S.O.B.'s." As it stands now, there are many big names considering coming to Parkside next year. Obituary This week the Ranger staff is sad to announce the death of a fellow staffer, Karen Norweed. Karen, the former Sports Editor, was killed in a freak, tragic accident Wednesday when a large printing press crushed her. According to police reports, Karen was killed when a press "undamped" itself from the floor and "jumped" her. Karen has been the Sports Editor for the Ranger since the beginning of the fall semester, and she will be sorely missed by her fellow workers. One of her favorite sayings was, "I hate all sports." Funeral services will take place for the Smorlick High School graduate April 2, at the Swamp - Meridath Funeral Home at 2 p. m., open . visitation THE LATE, GREAT KAREN NORWEED Among them are Julius Erving, Meadowlark Lemon, Marcus Johnson, Kareem Abdul - Jabar and Fred Derf. Another substantial sum will be set aside for (in Whatthehell's terms) "Educational Assistance". Said Whatthehell, off the record, "We're going to buy those God - damned grades off of those S. O. B. professors or, if that doesn't work, I have confidential information that the local mafia (and you know who you are) will 'take care of it.' " Whatthehell further stated "if the Ranger prints one goddam word of this interview, you'll find your fricking printing press in a very uncomfortable spot." So, Ranger basketball fans, this season looks to be the most promising season in a long time. By the way, does anyone know where we can find another printing press? Register arms? by Emily Latellum What's all this fuss about arms registration? People all over the place are in a tizzy over whether or not they should have to register their arms. Well, I think it's silly. I've had my arms all my life, and nobody ever made me register them! If we let them make us register our arms, it won't be long before we'll have to register our legs. Next thing you know, they'll want a running inventory on the rest of our bodies! We have to nip this in the bud. Next time someone asks you if you've registered your arms, say "NO!" Tell them it's the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard! Tell them you have worn bare arms all your life. Tell them What? . . . Guns? ... oh . . . NEVER MIND! Tokyo, the capitol, always sustains the most damage. "I don't know why they use us hmm," snorts Mayor Fuji. "Every time the fight begins out in the hillsides. Then they gradually make way towards town, right uh huh." Tokyo has suffered uncalculable damage over the past 20 y ears. Fuji faults movie - makers for "egging on" the two behemoths for the sake of box office draw. "They've gone Hollywood," he lip - syncs. "Godzilla once dem and ed per s o n a liz ed sunglasses and we had to make some for him that's right." Godzilla claims Japan to be his turf. "I've been around a lot longer than he has" (referring to Gamera). This is true. His movie career spans the Japanese monster era. Godzilla was there from day one. The challenger, Gamera, came from outer space in search of another planet. "Yeah — I was looking for something closer to the sun. You know, the warmth and all. Earth is really fertile, and I like the Japan area. It has good climate and I especially like running through the rice fields and squishing the paddies between the webbing in my toes." Though quite concerned about the damage inflicted upon his city, Mayor Fuji is grateful to local architects and construction companies for their fine job of replanning. "We've been able to rebuild at an amazingly fast rate uh, thanks to complete cooperation from people of Tokyo." Asked about the troubles between he and Godzilla, Gamera responded: "He's ignorant. When I first came here I was looking for a place to stay. And, like I said, I enjoy this area very much. But the public thought I was attacking, what with the flames shooting out from my shell. But hey, that's just me. I have to get around. And they want protection, so they got that goon and it's been war ever since." War indeed. Each time his scales are ruffled, Godzilla uncontrollably shoots fire from his mouth, burning a city block or two. "I'll have to watch myself on that. But this feud has been going on for years. I get anxious whenever I hear he's (Gamera) around. I seem to kill him off but he always comes back." The two can usually be seen battling it out on Saturday afternoons. Check your local TV listings. Sneaky Previews reviews "Big Green Thing" by Gene Shiksa and Roger Prevert Gene: Hi, I'm Gene Shiksa. Roger: And I'm Roger Prevert. On today's edition of Sneaky Previews we will devote our entire time to one movie, the new block - buster film, co-directed by Steven Spielberg, Ingmar Bergman, and Orson Welles, "Really Big Green Things That Eat People." Gene: Let's look at a clip of that movie right now. INSERT FILM CLIP Gene: Wasn't that marvelous? I think this is one of the best movies made in the last fifty years. Those big green things really are scary. The special effects are spectacular. The acting is uniformly excellent, especially from Shelly Winters as the unwed teenage mother. I recommend this movie highly. Roger? Roger: Are you nuts? This film is abysmal. The directing sucks, and the green things are terrible. You know Gene, you have no taste whatsoever, you balding geek! Gene: Is that so, fatso? You want to talk taste. You don't know what the word means. After all, you wrote the screenplay for 'The Valley Beneath The Cave Of The Ultrasluts' didn't you? Roger: That movie was art, you bozo. Gene: Art my Aunt Fanny. That movie belongs with our dogs of the week, speaking of which, here comes Spot the Wonder Dog. Spot: Woof! Roger: Get that damn dog away from me. Last week he peed on my leg. Gene: Just shut up you slob. Roger: I will not you freak. Gene: What are you doing with that gun? Roger: I've had all I can take of you. Take that! Gene: Ha ha you missed. You can't even shoot straight you . . . Arg! You got me! Roger: That's all for this week. Goodnight. Gene: Moan . . . thud. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Bombed in Union Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Stranger, Vol. 2 cubic feet No. 1, April 1, 1982 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Student publications Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1982-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Text satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/bf9b24229038acca94c60a42b8cf8b9e.pdf 5730ace875fcb01debee3abf1db1e3f4 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Issue Volume 3, issue 3 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. GOP Adopts New Logo- Hammer, Sickle Text Any textual data included in the document Written & Created by the Satirical GOP Adopts New Logo- Hammer, Sickle port vo UE O~ • The S a e Bashes ibera s, Too ~JngtllJt, lX- I'rl!~ido!nI Bllih tnlflm'iXoo his montlliy budSl!1 ~ 1_ "wlt..and roodc II$U1pI'i:ic annou~l1t that it ....as lime ror Ilis j:Ufl.y - tile ReilUllikllll Party - to cboo~ its image. Saying Ihal Republk-. (l"wy\\hcte wt:!f(j tired or ming a~%:lCiaied "",iln t1le ""llard14Wkill~ }"el unllctl.islllc COOl)'"'cl£pbUlll and that it was tinte to gt,1 II bl.1tl!l'im."SL 1haI1t"''Ul't.I£I)' repr($OOltlJ the perty' s ~tt.nlrllilllle!lt to the l!.H'ffij,<£~' .. President Bush then ~ his ~ch to unnil the new I«!pubtlQin flI«t), symbcll - a hamml!l' and .i"lde Mabloobact~unO. Bush ~d UlaI Inis new l»1Ilbcl1 will briog unity to the RL~ialO PlIny IiI;(, M\'er berM!. He l!J(pI'\!SSEd Itcjle l!tal the symbcll will be a mlly;n; point fOf' farmers filld wnrl..1!rs- ~ups thai tradiIiQfltilly~olt! ~iC30 • to unite to <:reate a IllIIWO or r:;ifllt$.md <!quality, In l'esplJo;;e to objccllolls Ihut IhC5iC symhob lOi:ght be 'lInliqlltllt."''', Bush ~ that they are "tried anO troo symbclls or wlllting flI!Ilple everywbew, 'I'VeoooolJfll,gC you to sWp minI! slu"csto,lthetl<. and to thlllWtlrr the shookli!. or the ul1tllSlcmploy'i1f .. Later in hi. budl:Ct .~ Bu'h w'C3loo hi ambilloo$~, t\1lich in 11U;,d: Tn, CUlli ror the commcn mao. mae welrare ror eH'f}onc, and bi.>plans Ie cootrol America's sltllloating i100llOm) by !lalti~ all inl'L1tion and ha\iOillhc " H:mlllellt ltlkinll OH::t lag<Jatd bllSin~s. ':lIN a lillie pusb. io bell' them alOll.g;thailiOft or thin;;." lit added. II worked ror the JlOSllll sl!f\i~ and U'"in '~slt.'lll" and \',111also work when :tppli cd to t'Ch'liI lotOl'eS. I'm JI111l>floping telh America' abw.od \\ If_ ;.,,,tem by handing 001 fl'!:l' Of sl>oe->iB';1ead or mooe}':" Ki!1l()s!ld, M -In 3pres; cOl1~ 1'C1ICt.MitT toda}. n·mb£r.> or The Stlte do! .ctcd llCClI>Jti UUt IhIly only ba>lI OfISt.'f\'lti"t;~~ Sit in the mticle adJ3~nt 10 tIu one, .lPn Slchl~ or The Stall! <Wd, ',\I doo't" t 10 gil'c IlK' imprcs>loo tlUl!"'\lc're biased, so _,btl\\ 3bout., b. \l,tmt's IlIedl!~ \lith tltal lihl!fal l'llIrixlse? I mean, the} un. do10\ L their trees ood 1llcirback}' . " Jon't the)''!'" the oollol'>3id m as~UC Hlice. ':\11\ ra utthew'ri,,'Nuploodfilf clIl,' but no oil iso't ~n~ 10make them 1lI1cllllllj' ter•.tm !right? Ilow W.IS tltatr' . Writer ",n J.lurpll). ,iltin~ to the ~.deol 'tdtlik, cblmcJ III "That ....a' JlI1!IlY ¥«d l:lId • rUTph)', "Btll don 'I (Ol'},,,t the} eal tdu anJ SO}, " . ..00 man, v.1I..!'- with pcoyWils? They 1l!\'I1I} !Ol'C thctr lic,d) and JlOll)tlIIls." . .. "fbat's ,eall~ Illl'rc a mwy thUll" inlt;'fl\lpk'd ,lehlik. "But mosl libarols llN,~II} Iupp..::"WI}\\"), 0 I I.'UCS>. 1'Cllh.thlil ....llIh ,of cah:' -.aid • lurpby. '1!ree 10le,h~l' 'b., tie-d}c. 11'. "II tlllt) Iupp.c Iillcral !1l"'lF \Ii 'Iwt'l '1kl(Jrt'· ",jwrrtllL\ (bTl •Iibt'fOt If/ (/ir/v libt'r'tll {)t·fJt·ily Lovable Scoundrel Escapes Publ ic Thrashing Constabulary Baffled K~~ka. Wl-Mum qhti~ti~>li tla, OOCUlTed $: ill ,,,swt (If t~ll f:\el1t$ ill I:l:l11dY$:lpSqll.1l\il,l!'Ie"ite ~lfa J1l(l!;tl!tlmcloo~ and \laltllSe~ ~. l(wubl.. SC(\llOO!clI:l:l,h M"Me¢l~ffUllllhc ~illllullll t:l( CtJIl<Ultlle TiUl!l'uipe. l"lili;ring method, slill IlnkllO\\ll 10 nuthoritjes.~ICI:\'cdYbrokefrt:crrombtsunprisonin~ fliUar;. d'mhll.:! a near·by \'Ine-<:c»C'roo 1 'I'. and 'll\1~ a tXlCk-wn- .w ~r c~laimeJ, 'Tt ~I'o )00 rc a hllC!.:ktlcrry to m}, prcl1limmon.TatlClltipe! )'ou\ CJl> much coon~ of O~l1ll1g In<!" )OU ~ Calclltnz Itwem;d iWrop"'With til..!:, the <l.,ppcr La.! disapjlellWd into the mi IinS -.n'<>l& 0( !he rooflOj'l> COIl'h'lllic Tatlel1Jiprc.mad $ 8, 1.:, b bare Jl(W!I~Lf:>.~Jis:plll)ro th~ utnlIlsl oouthfulnc • wi th Ili. Ihld.d~·.waxed Il'IOLlStadlc .md j;llll1ly 1xl\\lu cap~.~'P.'lcltI::ln,gcalaWMlplillu,l)' clll:\\_od up b) l\!cFrecly s yootllrul exploit>., the kind >i:rhad a mind In.HX1rCTRtefie.rcel)'durill¥ the incidt:nL '13y Clod' \\'oonds, McFrcel}, You \\.\11f\'C1)tlur comcupp ..moc' The State Feeling Obsequious Today Donald Duck Bannned """ From NFL, Absence Of Pants Cited Fox Copyrights Reality The State Searches For Meaning Of 'Obsequious' e:tu.!l .....~¢:ut_l,tt ~,~ OR h~ \will 10>'lilt.f~ ~...,. .....~"~-.r."''''1III '''''-''' ~<-~ )loot ~ _ 1Ilftltlllll'" "tMU*' tIi"fil"~'..,~ .._.<~ lW,*'''l!!!> lllii., ~Sl$~(( llI!ll!ld «'IISldtt - .>It. ~liail3 .. mal Whit<; "\'Ie ~l",~. g/1d ~1i,1ri« p1ll\1l) h&l€i 1'*'1 CORREerlONS I'" iutrr .. 1'11< ~ ",,_Inw mdMfIIJ~,' mr f<9#!d liJ.<i(f_l!!!>~ik.'1 N~ .. ~ fell \llll' lite \(>w. ~...c.\l"n ~"'l>1>j1 ",I the llI!ll l_ l<'llS U em» IIIfa.;". M ..". ~ 11) b<t ~ i,,~1} lOll .- l:<!eIlO\ltKn' "f "Mio.,,' III". fit O~~ A"'MlN"- ~ "h'll& ~ #1'iIl!~II"Ij)t'_"'~ President Bush's Feeding Tube Removed l\b:dltnglon, DC - Arter ween of _ nons~ polilimli~n~lIli!1js_~1tSfiMlIYlS.'itlld Ulis flEtSl. Friday. PrelidClm Busfl' 5 feeding Woo was mlasl l'll1l'lOVed. D!!mOCfl1lJl lIrged the OOlOOt'a! sa)i~ tltat if the j1(esiOOIlI u'llSO'1 going to _ any dt!t:lent I1l1i1iootilpolicy tltJIN, ldrllSdy lOOI1th. illlQ bis ~ U!ln1.lhm the clIMces _ lim dlat be ever tt'Oldd. REpubJiOlllls in IIli!1 MollS/! tmll $_ f<lUshl f{lf IllJllm Ii) Im1:p the Pmridenl' $ feedilt$ tube in. Senate MlijOOt)! L«'idef Bill Frist said, "Li&l£o.the President bas a Ill! of lime left. He tlOOld wme up witll SOOll1IlIinlj.., 0libt?- I:li.ml«:I1'ltS _ impled by IIli!1 ram vicli)ty. bul stnl«l dlat them WllS still a lot Ii) aeoomplisIL Tile Ile&t tlJin,g. lJley said in \I. pr;:lSS rolCll.&~ _ tn move pt1<St lilis isslIIlllnl! OOIlIinue wi lh<ltlleI: lllllllill11. f_L_E_TT_·. 'E_R_' T_·O_TH_' E_.. _ED_I_T_O_R_I 11Wcukl\1\ 11\'$$ OUltag«! wili~ f~ll$ the latest il>S~ Qnlle RMg<;c INl<1\, JU<11ll'1 fulisllCd skimmil18 (JVer Ole SjlQrts s«tion. the OlItIlwliall 'li~1!ltentilkd roo SUIte ~ me in~ f~. 1 oould t\(l( ~n lilt . IOflliall:'4[edi~8 tllat ~ (It't.!' me. I ~ bclieve r W3ll $I,lbjecied t(; ihi l}'jle of Jl!~ll$ publillllUOO, Absurd ttoo4lioos tiM ~!lsical lflide$ me ~ State a \~ 0( #Xlpel' ood in};, TIw edilOl* of tltls II:~~ IXlUIIinot JltI). I""uple el\()I,Igll ~y to ~ such foolish ~lIq~ However.\\'OI\lsCiIllIlO(~n tl>ellpallin IIli!1imnl~ laugllt¢c 1 nllCllet\OOllll~ reMi~ll:~uttides, Ijust wish J \VOIlIdll&ve~d ~illl> IIeCUl)Ij OOMer, This litUff is ft,lCkln{l hil;l(i~ Best reOO ever, !Ini&hlfIXWlWdly YQ\l~. rOlln~wlll'lfiiil!f\ll N:Ilder 12:01 12:U 12:11 12:11 12:14 12:1$ 12:la 12:19 12::0 12:U 12:11 I2:U 12:lt 12:.\0 12:32 12:~ 12"1 12:U I~Q :<:'t 1:51 ,,-,':52 ~~ i:ilI) TIIank )Iou for brI8Jlng tlt15 dJsa.stllr Co _ attllnttOll. 'The Sfllte I$; to appea.r at lIle Tery earl ofThe, biller News, not anw (he!Ilmrl!!l!ilIrtIo1l. If we W01IldTlIil1t ImoII\lI till$; earlll!l!' aproflsf _lit ha",e been orpnlled. The Rallll!l!' wID be lItel1ed lm:Imdialley of lhetr mlstlOO!. As II rewlll'd fill' your oIlserm1lct! '1ft art< SIllldlll')lou two _poos f!li'1Wf1lft adml!islOn ttl Sweet Joe's tHOIll'SllCarI. S_t JOI/l's Is Ihe only pIace)'oo _ sUI view wild fOIllltrs alld klmllJ'!l>EIljoyt SympfwnU'~1(l1t.l'rJrl Kill by ~~ om",." aWi~lIj; portllllllOOS \I.~ ~!; (my OO\I!) $I."'" fans llpoll me \lll$Ullllt ~ooy ~jtC1tiSS lbe plllitls ~ a '\'~ i!pellkl>: my OOIflU!<meill !t~ of OO\llelbillg OlhN llMlthe lJlillS dial WlIS(OOI} mcllillU(l<Ii! mendiC\\1l1 FALL ~.'tral iIp'lWlt IHEIIAIE <!. ; ~m.e* _Mlil> ~ J\!f~ I'ilhvw. _SIIlllil> :l>IIld}1\ 11I11tCf' ~ ~~ ~""""'b ~~ $'I<~IJ«fdn.Joor Surali I.POETilv CORNER I MMttOll$. food of die gods sm~b<mlet CllI1lIIy dclt glib In thiS v.nrld of ;:uhnary daJl:ne6s j'lU _ my 11;"ooul ..mmnllbglll ucculmt Mel1tloaf IIlIlt.c: )'W 001 ot the {woo widl a vclvet ~IQ\'C: PIpiIll! hot yw penctrll(C my \'IrpD 1.a5te: t:ut:. "lilt )'QurmcatIMlIO\ e J f • Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The State, Volume 3, issue 3, April 1, 2005 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 2005-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Newspaper Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/caf203e263c0abedde92b1ba6dcfa799.pdf 4ecf75e9c2e7aa6f37410561e175ec48 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Text Any textual data included in the document Methods laid out Birth control balled up The staff members at the DeRanger have been asked for equal time for the articles that have been printed about Plant Parenthood. So here are "Some Methods of Birth c:ontrol that the Noble One missed. \. Chastity belts - Chastity belts could be sold at reduced rate for students under the age of 19 and over the age of 6. 2.Tie it in a knot. No explanation necessary. 3. Use Elmer's Glue All as a douche. (Better yet, super Glue) 4. Castration. , 5. Make sure one of you is dead. 6. Leaving your clothes on. 7. Keeping a thick quilt or lead shielding between the two bodies. 8.Do it with a partner of the same sex. 9. Attempt intercourse only while exceeding the speed limit driving down 1-94the wrong way. , I 9161 'li J&qwaAON~3~NY~aa 3a1S)l~Yd 3H~ A number of students atrempt , various ('ontrnl method« "lJl!~f'..t'f"d h" nf"RttntJf"r. birth SPECIALLY FOR WOMEN \. Only go out with abortionists. 2. Before going on a date, put a broken popbottle in your private parts. SPECIALLY FOR MEN \. Put your balls in a baggie and ziploc it. 2. At the last minute, replace penis with large toe. EPILOGUE These methods are tired and true and guaranteed to prevent impregnation. For further information, call 632-0091anytime for advice. However, some of these methods are considered illegal by your local authorities and the FBI. Now that we have a president committed to legal "shacking up" and just general screwing around, the. federal laws will soon change. Lost student found by SheidoD Duagbone A fonner Parkside student who has been mIsslng since 1973was found today by the campus security force purely by mistake. . A spokesman for the security force said a division involved in a combination parking ticket raid and search for a pair of tbe Chancellor's office ad· ~enturers were combing the woods just south of Main Place when one of them stumbled upon a man ,lothed in bucksin rags sitting in front of a crude shelter. Alter sharp questioning the officers discovered that they hlld found Mr. William Bunion, who was last seen 3 years ago just before setting off on foot from Greenquist Hall to his car which was located in the East Parking Lot. Mr. Bunion plans to return to Parkside after he is over the shock of re-entering society. When asked by this reporter if he will every again park his car in the East Parking Lot, Mr. Bunion replied "What is a car?" It was learned later by this reporter that Mr. Bunion was refused admission to the school because of his inability to remember what a car is. No one was available for comment. TheParkside------------- DeRANGER Vol. V No. 2 Wedne.d,,~. 'io\ember 17. 1976 UJJZP tastes Saga tragedy brutal enterprise, Champoop explained, "Well, we were going to keep it hushed until next semester when a proposed cutback in financial aid is to occur. in which case the surprise would definitely be in our favor. Look, if you have time I'll explain the whole thing. Sit down and have one of our 250 pounders with cheese." Butch Br inernan, of the security force, who led the raid, reported that four men and a woman were arrested following a brief scuffle in the cold storage and outer offices over what appeared to be a piece of evidence but was later confirmed as a pork chop. The four men were identified as Sydney Dowd, 38, Buddy Niechowicz, 26, and Earl "JayBob" Rivers, 50 all cafeteria cooks, and Rudy Sump, 29; a hair stylist from Racine. The woman, Eve Skwatlow, 32, was an admitted voyeur from Waukegan, Illinois. Brineman explained that his department's actions were based purely on suspicion after ..one of -e his men, while eating in the [" cafeteria, discovered a 1974 .' Tremper High School class ring in his Ranger Burger, while an ~ anonymous chancellor reported ;' finding a contact lens on his ~ chicken sandwich. "Other than those two incidents, nothing has been reported, which seems odd," Brineman said. ..But you by Fraiser Stetsonevski In a dramatic early morning. raid on the Saga Food Service's cold storage unit last Friday, the Campus Security Police and several vigilante PSGA members found the gruesome remains of' six fonner Parkside drop-outs suspended from the ceiling in positions which suggest their ultimate fate as processed food. Though an intense investigation for tacts to support that conclusion is still underway, Peter Champoop, a cafeteria worker whose job is to prepare cold-cuts and hot sandwiches confessed that he was aware of tbe atrocity but refused to accept full credit for its inception: "I wish I had dreamed this up," he stated. "We may never have a shortage again!" When asked why he never came forward to expose the USDA in8peclor Clyde B~gllie.... review8 the inud~-' qu~te eondition8 or the SOIliOcold 810r"lIe umt, know these college kids. They'd eat just about anything." A sense of loss and helpless anger has pervaded the school since the atrocity was discovered. :1/ one expected that euch an outrage could be cornmitted at this quiet, rural !n· stitution. "Things just won't be the same," reflected Larry Flank, a sophomore. "It looks like I'll have to go back to bringing a bag lunch." The PSG A members who participated in the raid as the arche-typal hysterical mob whichs had nearly taken the law into their own hands, seemed stunned at the fate of their fellow' students. said senator Jim Lobomeire, 19, "We could have at least held off on the raid until those poor guys had been marinated or rolled in breadcrwnbs. Anything but this! Hell, I knew a few of them personally and I can tell you with a straight face that not less than three of tbem wanted to go as deep-fried crullers." Another senator, Jean Rabbid, sadly remarked, "It's all such a waste! Imean, they haven't even passed inspection yet!" Following the notification of relatives, funerals for the deceased will be held at their respective churches, their times yet to be announced, with a wake afterwards for the entire group in the Union cafeteria. Duo vanished by Jerimiah Johnson Two Parkside students have been reported missing since last Friday afternoon after making a seemingly harmless bet with several fellow students as to whether or not they would be able to locate the Chancellor's office. Reported as missing to the Kenosha police were Richard Magellan, 21, of Racine, and Robert Polo, 20, of Kenosha. Both are history majors at Parkside. A friend of the pair said that he and another companion were silting 10 the Union with the two last Friday when Magellan began boasting that he was not afraid to try to locate the office regardless of the rwnors about barricades and guard dogs. After some preparation. the duo set out on their trek equipped with a tent, nashllght, sterno stove, ropes, and other survival equipment, and have not been seen nor heard from since. The Chancellor was not available for comment. Wargamers cited by Adolph PatloD Campus Security Police searched for six Parkside students missing since mid· semester after dropping their classes Campus Pollee discovered on saturday a homemade bomb shelter. three nuclear warheads, an inunense arsenal of ground combat equipment, and a World War n half.track in the 0-2 level of Greenquist Hall. After an initial investigation, the P.arkside Wargamers were ci ted by the Kenosha Fire Department for neglecting Fire safety Regulations, and blocking fire lanes . The Wargamers were also given citations fOl' malicious destruction of' private property after they dug forty-nine trenches on the east campus lawn and barb-wired the Library ~ center. Methods laid out Birth control balled up The staff members at the DeRanger have been asked for equal time for the articles that have been printed about Plant Parenthood. So here are "Some Methods of Birth Control that the Noble One missed. l. Chastity belts - Chastity belts could be sold at reduced rate for students under the age of 19 and over the age of 6. l 9L6l 'LL .1aqwaA0N H3~N'tHao 3O1S>CH'td 3H.l Lost student found by Sb ldoo Dungbors A former Parkside student who has been missing since 1973 was found today by the campus ecurity force purely by mistake. • A spokesman for the ecurity force said a division involved in a combination parking ticket raid and 2. Tie it in a knot. No explanation necessary. 3. Use Elmer's Glue All as a douche. ( Better yet, Super Glue) A number of students attempt _ ,:ariou!o, c·ontrnl methorl" .. .,~~t>-ted h, Jl.-Rnnuf>r. birth search for a pair of the Chancellor's office adventurers were combing the woods just outh of ~fain Place when one of them stumbled upon a man xlothed in bucksin rags sitting in front of a crude shelter. After sharp questioning the officers discovered Lliat they h~d found tr. William Bunion, who wa last seen 3 years ago just before setting off on foot from Greenquist Hall to his car which was located in the East Parking Lot. 4. Castration. 5. Make sure one of you is dead. 6. Leaving your clothes on. SPECIALLY FOR WOMEN 1. Only go c,ut with abortionists. 7. Keeping a thick quilt or lead shielding between the two bodies. 8. Do it with a partner of the same sex. !I. Attempt intercourse only while exceeding the speed limit driving down 1-94 the wrong way. 2. Before going on a date, put a broken popbottle in your private parts. SPECIALLY FOR MEN 1. Put your balls ma baggie and ziploc it. 2. At the last minute, replace penis with large toe. EPILOGUE Mr. Bunion plans to return to Parkside after h is over the shock of re-entering society. \\'hen asked by this reporter if he will every again park his car In the East Parking Lot, Mr. Bunion replied "What i a car?" These methods are tired and true and guaranteed to prevent impregnation. For further information, call 632-0091 anytime for advice. It was learned later by this reporter that tr. However, some of these methods are considered illegal by your local authorities and the FBI. ~ow that we have a president committed to legal ·'shacking up" and just general screwing around, the_ federal laws will soon change. Bunion was refused admission to the school becau of his inability to remember what a car i . No one was available for comment. The Parkside------------ DeR ANGER Vol. \" ~o. 2 \\edne .. da~. ~OH~mber 17. 1976 UW-P tastes Saga tragedy by Fraiser Stetsonevski In a dramatic early morning. raid on the Saga Food Service's cold storage unit last Friday, the Campus Security Police and several vigilante PSGA members found the gruesome remains of six former Parkside drop-outs suspended from the ceiling in positions which suggest their ultimate fate as processed food. Though an intense investigation tor tacts to support that conclusion is still underway, Peter Champoop, a cafeteria worker whose job is to prepare cold-cuts and hot sandwiches confessed that he was aware of the atrocity but refused to accept full credit for its inception." "I wish I had dreamed this up,'' he stated. "We may never have a shortage again!" When asked why he never came forward to expose the USDA inspector Clyde Buggers reviews the inttd~ - · quate conditions of the Saga cold storage untt. brutal enterprise, Champoop ·E'xplained. ··Well, we were going to keep it hushed until next semester when a proposed cutback in financial aid is to occur, in which case the surprise would rlefinitely be in our favor. Look, if you have time l'il explain the whole thing. Sit down and have one of our 250 pounders with cheese." Butch Brineman, of the Security force, who led the raid, reported that four men and a woman were arrested following a brief scuffle in the cold storage and outer offices over what appeared to be a piece of evidence but was later confirmed as a pork chop. The four men were identified as Sydney Dowd, 38, Buddy Niechowicz, 26, and Earl '"JayBob" Rivers, 50 all cafeteria cooks, and Rudy Sump, W, a hair stylist from Racine. The woman, Eve Skwatlow, 32, was an admitted voyeur from Waukegan, Illinois. Brineman explained that his department's actions were based purely on suspicion after ..one of his men, while eating in the cafeteria, discovered a · 1974 Tremper High School class ring in his Ranger Burger, while an _ anonymous chancellor reported finding a contact lens on his ;!. chicken sandwich. "Other than . those two incidents, nothing has been reported, which seems odJ," Brineman said. ··But you know these college kids. The_ "d eat just about anything." A sense of lo.:s and help! s. anger has pervaded the chool since the atrocity wa .. discovered .. • enc C!-.-pected that ~uch an outrage could be <'Ommitted at this quiet, rural institution. "Things just won't be the same," reflected Larry Flank. a sophomore. ··It looks like 1"11 have to go back to bringing a bag lunch." The PSGA members who participated in the raid as the arche-typal hysterical mob which~ had nearly taken the law into their own hands, seemed stunned at the fate of their fellow· students. Said Senator Jim Lobomeire, 19, • We could have at least held off on the raid until those poor guys had been marinated or rolled in breadcrumbs. Anythmg . but this! Hell, I knew a few of them personally and I can tell you with a straight face that not less than three of them wanted to go as deep-fried crullers." Another senator, Jean Rabbid, sadly remarked, "It's all such a waste'. I mean, they haven't even passed inspection yet!'' Following the notification of relatives. funerals for the deceased will be held at their respective churches. their times yet to be announced, with a wake afterwards for the entire group in the Union Cafeteria. Duo vanished by Jcrimi h John on Two Parkside tud nts have been r ported mi Ing since last Friday afternoon after ma ing a seemin 1) harmle b t with s \'era! fellow tudents as to ~hether or not they would be able to locate the Chancellor's offic . Reported as missing to th Kenosha police wer Richard Magellan, !!l, of Racine, and Robert Polo, 20, of Kenosha. Both are hi tory majors at Parkside. A friend of the pair said that he and another comparuon w r situn m the nion with th two last Friday when 1ag II n began boast1 that h was not afraid to try to locate th office re ardl of the rumor ab ut bamcad and uard do . After some pr paration, th duo s t out on their tr k equipped ·ith a tent, fla blight, sterno stove, rope , and oth r urviv 1 equipm nt, nd have not b n seen nor h ard from sine • Th Chane llor ·a not vallabl for comm nt. Wargamers cited by Adolph Patton Campus Security Polic ·earched for six Parksid tudents m1 "tng inc m dsemester fter dropping their clas e ampu. Police di covered on Saturda) a homemade bomb shelter. three nuclear warheads, an immen arsenal of ground combat equipment, and a World War n half-track in the D-2 level of Greenquist Hall. After an initial investigation, the P.arkside Wargamers were cited by the Kenosha Fire Department for neglecting Fire Safety Regulations, and blocking fire lanes. The Wargamers were also given citations fol' malicious destruction of' private property after they dug forty-nine trenches on the east campus lawn and barb-wired the Library Learning Center. ft61 ·u JaqW8AON il39NYila<J 301S>lilYd 3H1. z UW-Pcirkside DeRANGER' - EDITORIAL-OPINION - Sex scandal finally climaxes 1- • i ; •• ~ J.Carter Peaceful student compromise sought by Lester P. Madlock n,Jr. What we need in this country more than a five-cent whore or cigar. is a liltle law and order. The way that crime is handled in our cities is disgusting and shocking. They expect decent, God-fearing, taxpaymg, hard-working, child-loving, poorly educated and highly emotional people like you and me, to turn in our guns, tanks bazookas, sub-machine guns. rifles, anti-aircraft and nuclear weapons, so that criminals can rule the world. yO\>know, my father used to say, "Just let one of them creeps come Into my house, and I'll blow his brains clear across the street", that made me feel safe. l'iow all of those mambv, pamby, conunie, faggot, dope-addict, and liberal senators in congress, want to take our prectousguns, tanks, bazookas, etc., away from us. I say, "go to hell"; I don't give up any guns of mine to no police. the}' are as crooked as the rrooks What we do need III this country is good old capital punishment, like 'In the old days. U somebody killed someone else, lhen they just strung them up or shot them on sight. Oh God!, how lloog for those days. In mj opinion, all rapists and murderers should have their ey~ put out by a hot poker, slowly and painlully, then they should be boiled in' t'()1tar and placed in a block of ice, to cool them off, then put out in the middle of the street where they can be smashed to pieces, just like some beautllullittle squirrel or skunk. This is the ooly way to protect decent, god-fearmg, tax-paying, bard working, child-molesting, poorly~ucated and highly-emotional people such as you and me. Crtnunals must be made to pay, dearly, for their acts of lust. Why can't they be like most of us decent, god-fearing, tax-eheating, childmolestmg. poorly educated, and highly emotional people and just go jerk off in some dirty movie house; no, they go out and hurl somebody. Dope peddlers should be hung by the ears and forced to drink a pilon a drano, and then put into a rubber room. This would solve the . dope problem In this country, you 'betcha'. Don't send those kids to a hallway house, send lbem back 10 their decent, hypocritical, taxcheating, chll<knolesting, poorly educated and highly emotional .. rents; ibIS WIll straighten them out. Once you stop the rapISts and the murderers and the dope peddlers, this country will be safe for us decent, hypocritical, tax-cheating. hlld·mole ling, poorly.educated, liquor-drinking, and highly cmbllonal people such as you and me. But remember, pray for your enem,-., love your neighbor, and love your God. ~~DITOR IN CHIEF: "Boss" J. Zipper ,PUTUM EATER: Gene-Tenlative VAGUE EDIBLES: jock swisher, Pill Barfly COPIOUS ANTEATER: Juicy Lung PHOBIA AND GORE: Vun Tun Sun CURLY RAnON: Soup Or Quarts -:rUFF' Bill Barke. Phil Hermann, Jeff Litrenla S M -"thy Brnak, Phil Livingston, Tom Cooper Bruce 'w ue arquart, >oH .. o .. i <:;w~n~k; • agner The DeRanger should not be ,.Iltll seriously I don't care what you think Of' UV'· You folio';'" me? Don't give me that! If'S .11' jake. and if you can't see ftillt, you·..., ~ snet In your. ears. or your brain w'S sh· ...'"f off the last tome yOU got a hait.CuI. YOU 90 I now? HUh? Well. do y.? Answer me!! '"en .nd The Parksi"de DeRange, is wwtl tIM adited by $ever. I distu~bed students 01 t UnIversity Wisconsin. Parkside whOc.nllO be held responsible tor anyfhlng mYc" lets its editorial poUc:.,.or content . b)' J Carter Sex in the high echelons of the Parkside administration d'oes not surprise us. The headlines on.a rela~ed inci.dent have become. a blur. Their persistence as sensational journalism has worn Uno, and repercussions found in the form of Miss Elizabeth Ray's book: The Washington Fringe Benefits, have been brief and pathetic, Even in the Midwest, long known as.the "elastic in the shorts under the Bible Belt", promiscuity in high office b~ely turns a head or sends a frustrated school boy to the lavatory. When Barbara Noggers, a typist for the humanities department, confessed to simultaneous affairs with English professor, Lyle "Slow Bob" Angstfot; economics professor, Roland Teemer; communications lecturer; Pus Vlednegorkiewicz; German 'professor, Juan Mirales; Dr. Baskedd Tucci of the chemistry department; Chester Lambuster, advisor for Student Debits .with PAB; Joan Hemungga, a typist for the foreign language division; and Manfred Nevell, a shuttle bus driver, no. one really cared. Her pamphlet, entitled, Parkside Overtime, dida booming busiIless in the bookstore for three hours last October, then felt a terrninal cutback in sales. The pamphlet was taken off the shelves last week. The Deftanger takes a dim view of the entire affair. not only for iis pitiful attempt at sensationalism, or Miss Nogger-s questioQable judgement in the revelation of it which destroyed the stainless reputations of several prestigious academians, but for the shameless pride she displays in the matter. We feel the investigation in her affairs was incomplete. Questions arise which need answering. Even the pamphlet was short of facts. For instance: How was Professor Teemer ? Did he use a con.. traceptive, and what did he say afterward? Was Dr. Tucci's war wound a hindrance or did it cause new heart-stopping sensations that broughton mulitple climaxes. Is Juan Mirlaes really a kinky fe~? Does he really do those things to your navel? And how? How does Professor Angslfot manage with only that one arm of his? Whatls his favorite position, and could you please describe those "strange" undergarments he wears? These and other questions must be answered. Perhaps the whole shabby controversy can then come to final and blissfully ecstatic climax. ·· ·•= --- Lester P. Madlock n. Jr. • 9l6l 'l.l ,aqwaf.0N ~3!>N\t~ao 3O1S>t~Vd 3Hl. l UW-Pcirkside De RANGER· - EDITORIAL-O~INION Sex scandal finally clim~xes • .. ,,. ~ J.Carter Peaceful student compromise sought by Le st r P. ad lock II, Jr. ,,. by JCa,ter Sex in the high echelons of the Parkside administration <foes not surprise us.-The headlines on a related incident have become a blur. Their persistence as sensational journalism has worn thin, and repercussions found in the form of Miss. Elizabeth-~y's book, The Washington Fringe Benefits, have been brief and pathetic. Even in the Midwest, long known as the " elastic in the shorts under the Bible Belt", promiscuity in high office barely turns a head or sends a frustrated school boy to the lavatory. When Barbara Noggers, a typist for the humanities department, confessed to simultaneous affairs with English professor, Lyle "Slow Bob" Angstfot; economics professor, Roland Teemer; communications lecturer; Pus Vlednegorkiewicz; German professor, Juan Mirales; Dr. Baskedd Tucci of the chemistry department; Chester Lambuster, advi~or for Student Debits ,with PAB; Joan Hemungga, a typist for the foreign language division; and Manfred Nevell, a shuttle bus driver, no_ o!'}e really cared. Her pamphlet, entitled, Parkside Overtime, did.a booming busiriess in the bookstore for three hours last October, then felt a terminal cutback in sales. The pamphlet was taken off the shelves last week. The DeRanger takes a dim view of the entire affair, not only for its pitiful attempt at sensationalism, or Miss Nogger1s question.able judgement in the revelation of it which destroyed the stainless reputations of several prestigious academians, but for the shameless pride she displays iri the matter. We feel the investigation in her affairs was incomplete. Questions arise which need answering. Even the pamphlet was short of facts. For instance: How was Professor Teemer? Did he use a contraceptive, and what did he say afterward? Was Dr. Tucci's war wound a hindrance or did it cause new heart-stopping sensations that brought-On mulitple climaxes. Is Juan Mirlaes really a kinky fetishist? Does he really do those things to your navel? And how? How does Professor Angstfot manage with only that one arm of his? What is his favorite position, and could you please describe those "strange" undergarments he wears? · These and other questions must be~answered. Perhaps the whole shabby controversy can then come to final and blissfully ecstatic climax. Lester P. Madlock II, Jr. '!-:OITOR rN CHIEF : "Boss" J. Zipper iPUTUM EATER: Gene-Tentative The DeRanger should not be ta~en se.riously . I don't care what you think or say. You follow me? Don't give me that! lt's all a ioke, and if you can't see th1at, you've go; snot in your_ ears, or your b~ain was sha:tit off the last time you got a ha1t-cut. Yo~? now? Huh? Well, do ya? Answer me .· VAGUE ED1Bl.ES: _jock swisher, Pill Barfly COPIOUS ANTEATER: Juicy Lung PHOBIA AND GORE: Vun Tun Sun CURLY RATION: Soup Or Quarts '>' fUFF : Bill Barke, Phil Hermann Jeff L"tr ta ::athy Brnak, Phil Livingston Tom 'eoo· P 18 en ' Sue Marquart, . • er, ruce Wagner 10 fro" 1 ~'.V~!1~ki . The Parkside DeR anger is written a"d e.dited by several distutbed students of th~ University Wisconsin . Parkside who c~~::s be held responsible for anything muc its editoria.l polic.y or content. I Poet to read by Ludwig von Scbeutz poet Bunyon McPheeters will present a workshop and reading at Parkside on Wednesday, December 29 from 3-3:18 p.m. in the Wyllie Ubrary·Learnmg Center Room D-I07. The event is free and open to the general puIrlic who are between the ages of twenty-seven and forty-three and will admit to ever ha~ing had scaly. patches on their abdomens. . McPheeters, most widely known for this tobacco juice stained beard and bloodshot eyes, will preface his reading with a creative workshop, which WIllinclude push-ups, squat thrusts, a game of tag, an S&M encounter session, and a slide presentation dealing with the x-rays of Rod McKuen's throat and his subsequent genital disorder. For his reading, McPheeters will deal with some of his most recent workas well as his earliest, choosing selections from The Sad Enema 11956),Song of the Whaling Pygmy (1959). Love Never Forgets a Long Dislanee Call Collect( 1966), and An Eviction Notice From God (1972). An effervescent and willy speaker, McPheeters has met with great success at the colleges and girls' reformatories he has visited. Though he frequently forgets to bring his selected readings on his tours, he has always managed to captivate his audiences with tasteless stories about the women he has known, and the religious leaders he 'would liketo see dead. or his infantile routine in which he dresses as a streetwalker and taunts members of his audience into coming onstage and smear his knees an~ shoulders with aftershave lotion. Anyone interested in more information on the McPheeters reading can contact Steve Lannsky of the Physical Plant at extension 0030. it. While we were at it, we came (and how!) across the following clipping protruding from my drawers: WASHINGTON, D&C (Associated Phress) - TheSecretary of Labor announced today that three new positions-in Community Action, Affirmative Action, and .Slide-bolt Action- . were being-budgeted for the next three consecutive trimester periods. Al cumers (preferably E.Z.· has male) are welcome to apply. Whatever skills applicants possess will be analyzed according to the following criteria: 1) Ability to erect the appropriate office spac.e (preferably in 15 minutes);' 2) Discharge orders, without regress, even if it means egg in the face; 3) The guts to back-off from stiff resistance. In other words, to recognize when the backbone of your office staff has gone limp; 4) The determination 10 boldly thrust into new parameters; bango timel Dear Ranger: Allow me to express my latitude in having head the supreme pleasure of reading a 'ver'y Noble PeUarticie. My friend Rubin Jacov and' I had a bang-o: lime skimming through e fl6l 'll J8qWaA0N J86ultHaeJ 30IS)lHYd 3H.L Catalog adds major • problem read Parkside's next catalog is expected to contain the following new major: students who have a problem with deciding what major concentration they wish to seek at Parkside may wish U> seek an undecided major. Requirements for this major will be 120 credits, with no more than three classes in each discipline. Students will be required to take at least 20 credits of independent study and physical education courses to supply them with enough breadth and basic skills. Students must also declare their interest at least seven semesters before they attend Parkside. ';amt Poet Hunyon McPheeters will on December- 29th in WLLC 5) The foresight to abort the mission should preventive precautions suffer undue leakage, causing excessive buildup; and 6) To keep cool .. never squirm while in action. These positions will be open to all Civil, Service examinees scoring above a certain minimum, with minor revisions of the automatic point award system made such that specific disabilities won't be good for shit! , Rubin and I thought -your readers might enjoy this little bureaucratic P.R. emission. What-a thrill it would be if a Parkside grad were selected. to fill just one of these openingsplush office and all! This seems unlikely, for it's usually the case that a position of such potency is filled. with someone from a more established institution, like Havhard. Tsk. Parkside students get all the hard knocks. Yours in levity, E.Z. Cwnmings. May Rain Corps re-founded ist Mate: Say, sweety! You rang? J.P.J.: How many times must Itell you, sir, that I am your captain, oot-your sweety!?! Really. you do take your title too seriously! 1st Mate: Well, at least. sornebody's serious here! Join the navy and see the world, my ass! Ididn't think it meant painting an atlas on the ship's deck. J.P.J.: Bitch, bitch, bitch! What'd ya expect, a free college education? Now, I called you here to discuss those roudy men in the masts. They have much too much time on ·their hands. 1st. Mate: Nice alliteration, sir, and yes, I know. They've been using the National Ensi&" for target practice again. J.P.J.: What!? Those sharpshooters have been taking pot shots at our flag? ! 1st Mate: No, sir,-notthe flag. The new ensign from Philly. He's been complaining that his braid is becoming [raid from their musket ~ire. J.P.J.: Nice alliteration. But that's what) mean! Those leather heads ... 1st Mate: Leather necks, sir. J.P.J.: What? Oh, yeh, leather necks. They have too much time on their hands. What can we do? 1st Mate: Maybe if they were organized. into. a fighting group it would help. J.P ..I. How would that help? / 1st Mate: Well, sir, we could teach them how to peel _ spuds and mop the floor. J.P.J.: Swab the deck. 'st Mate: I'll get right on it, sir. Cunt. un fJH/;!" Ii Btson-tenuial MiD;utes a one act play by jeffrey j. swencki Dateline, November 9-10,1775 Two hundred and one yMrs ago a little known but in-famous event took place somewhere east 01 Obscene, Wisconsin, which was' to be lost in the anals of history. It went something like this. Act I., Scene INovember 9,1775 John Paul Jones is approached. by his FirstMate ... at Parkside room D-107. Raw lust loathed To the Editor: I think something should be done about the raw sex that goes on down the Main Street of Parkside. It is utterly disgusting to be walking along and seeing on everyone of those couches at least two people in reclining positions, It's very embarrassing for people like me to cast my eyes upon this outrageous activity. On top of all that, I blush easily. It is also very contagious. First one couch is filled with intimate lovers and then pretty soon all the couches are full of the deadly lust. I strongly believe that something should be done about this abhorring situauon. There are never any couches open when it comes around to my turn with my leverfor the day' I feel I have just as much right to the couches as the others who fill them day after day and hour after hour! t.uve and Kisses, Susie Cream Cheese r-ont. 011 pn~f" 8 The Movie Scene by Angel Ramier ea For the next month an a half, the film industry will be excreting its holiday blockbusters onto big silver screens around the country. Squeezed from the bowels of motion picture companies' largest budgets, most prestigious directors, and biggest stars, they will splash across billboards, T.V. screens, magazine and newspaper features, and filmed "coming attractions" in competitive, dazzling and sometimes tasteless publicity campaigns. Saved [or those last weeks before the deadline for 1976Academy Award consideration they are the efforts of canny studio heads who are out to grab a percentage of movie goers' Christmas bonus checks. In some cases, an over-blown blockbuster manages to barely pass wind. and a studio may have to work like hyper banshees to get out of the red by next Christmas. Here is a run-down of the holiday fare for those with discriminating tastes: Cough at the Devil- A handsome. wordly circus clown throws up on a young girl at a childrens' hospital and is disgraced. He goes to Africa, where he finds work as a tap dancer's understudy in a traveling Zulu repertory company. After falling in love with a gazelle, he rents an abandoned gravel plant and sets up a business manufacturing quicksand. Overacted by Andy Griffith and Connie Stevens, the film stumbles through a predictable script. At least the gazelle had a nice tush. The Last Lug Wrench - Despite George C. Scott's sensitive, commanding performance as an almost totally paralyzed plumber, this film wanders between themes of lonely lasciviousness and dental hygiene. The story concerns Buford Davis (Stott), a plwnber incapacitated from the neck down due to a childhood accident. Though fully capable at his job - he fixes toilets and drain pipes by holding tools in his mouth - he must face a shattering dilemma. He needs false teeth. The film climaxes when Davis, head-strong and persistant, is on his back making a delicate adjustment under a garbage disposal, a plyer • in his gums, when he gets a runny nose. Whining and squirming, Scott manages to convey the rough persistence of a despera te man, with insightful determination, against a world gone limp. Never a Dull.Hemorrhage • The world goes topsy-turvy in this mad farce about a crack emergency room team in a Nel! York hospital. Though the plot has some familiar overtones, th~ breakneck pace and superb acting, most notably Ernest Borgnine as a wacky, profane orderly, and Ed McMahon as "Bump" the sadistic nurse, stand by themselves. Though the movie may be almost nauseatingly bloodthirsty in parts f Director Richard Lester was actually able U> get several fresh c0rpses to use in his train wreck and university bombing scenes), it is a delight to watch, and will most certainly be a memorable distraction during the holiday season. Poet to read by Ludwig von Scheutz Poet Bunyon McPheeters will present a workshop and reading at Parkside on W_ednesday, December 29 from 3-3:18 p.m. in the Wyllie Library-Learning Center Room D-107. The event is free and open to the general p~li_c who ~re between the ages of twenty-seven and fortY,-three and will admit to ever having had scaly patches on their abdomens. · McPheeters, most widely known for this tobacco juice stained beard and bloodshot eyes, will preface his reading with a creative workshop which will include push-ups, squat thrusts, a game of tag an S&M encounter session, and a slide presentation dealing with th~ x-rays of Rod McKuen's throat and his subsequent genital disorder. For his reading, McPheeters will deal with some of his most recent work as well as his earliest, choosing selections from The Sad Enema ( 1956), Song of the Whaling Pygmy ( 1959). Love Never Forgets a Long Distance Call Collect ( 1966), and An Eviction Notice From God ( 1972). t 9L6l 'Ll JaqWiMON Ja6ue~aa 301S>t~'ld 3H.l Catalog adds • maJor problem Parkside's next catalog is expected to contain the following new major: Students who have a problem with deciding what major concentration they wish to s k at Parkside may wish to seek an undecided major. Requirements for this major will be 120 credits, with no more than three classes in each discipline. Students will be required t.o take at lea t 20 credits of independent study and physical education cour s to supply them with enough breadth and basic skills. An effervescent and witty speaker, McPheeters has met with great success at the colleges and girls' reformatories he has visited. Though he frequently forgets to bring his selected readings on his tours, he has always managed to captivate his alldiences with tasteless stories about the women he has known, and the religious leaders he would liketo see dead, or his infantile routine in which he dresses as a streetwalker and taunts members of his audience into coming onstage and smear his knees an~ shoulders with aftershave lotion. Anyone interested in more information on the McPheeters reading can contact Steve Lannsky of the Physical Plant at extension 0030. Poet Bun_ on Mc Pheeteri,, ~ ill read 'ot Pork~ide on Decembt>r 29th m WLLC room D-107. Students must also declar their interest at least seven semesters before they attend Parkside. E.Z. has bango time! DPar Ranger: Allow me to express my latitude in having head the supreme pleasure of reading a ·ver'y Noble Pellarticle. My friend Rubin Jacov and I had a bang--0 ! time skimming through it. While we were at it, we came ( and how!) across the following clipping protruding from my drawers: WASHINGTON , D&C ( Associated Phress) - The Secretary of Labor announced today that three new positions-in Community Action, Affirmative Action, and Slide-bolt Acuon- . were being budgeted for the next three consecutive trimester periods. Al cumers ( preferably male) are welcome to apply. Whatever skills applicants possess will be analyzed according to the following criteria: 1) Ability to erect the appropriate office spac.e (preferably in 15 minutes); 2) Discharge orders, without regress, even if it means egg in the face; 3) The guts to back-off from stiff resistance. In other words, to recognize when the backbone of your office staff has gone limp; 4) The determination lo boldly thrust into new parameters; 5) The foresight to abort the mission should preventive precautions suffer undue leakage, causing excessive buildup; and 6 J To keep cool - never squirm while in action. These positions will be open to all Civil Service examinees scoring above a certain mirumum, with minor revisions of the automatic point award system made such that specific disabilities won't be good for shit! Rubin and I thought your readers might enjoy this little bureaucratic P.R. emission. What -a thrill it would be if a Parkside grad were selected to fill just one of these openingsplush office and all! This seems unlikely, for it's usually the case that a position of such potency is filled with someone from a more established institution, like Havhard. Tsk. Parkside students get all the hard knocks. Yours in levity. E.Z. Cummings. May Rain Corps re-founded Bison-tenuial Minutes a one act play by jeffrey j. swencki Dateline, November 9-10, 1775 Two hundred and one years ago a little known but in-famous event took place somewhere east of Obscene, Wisconsin, which was·to be lost in the anals of history. It went something like this. Act I., Scene I. November 9, 1775 John Paul Jones is approached, by his First Mate ... 1st Mate: Say, sweety! You rang? J.P.J.: How many times must I tell you, sir, that I am your captain, nof your sweety ! ? ! Really, you do take your title too seriously! 1st Mate : Well, at least somebody's serious here ! Join the navy and see the world, my ass! I didn't tl'Jnk it meant painting an atlas on the ship's deck. J.P.J.: Bitch, bitch, bitch! What'd ya expect, a free college education? Now, I called you here to discuss those roudy men in the masts. They have much too much time on ·their hands. 1st. Mate: Nice alliteration, sir, and yes, I know. They've_ been using the National Ensign for target practice again. J. p .J.: What!? Those sharpshooters have been taking pot shots at our flag?! 1st Mate : No, sir, not the flag. The new ensign from Philly. He's been complaining that his braid is becoming £raid from their musket fire. J .P .J.: Nice alliteration. But that's what _I mean! Those leather heads ... 1st Mate: Leather necks, sir. J.P.J.: What? Oh, yeh, leathe: necks. They have too much time on their hands. What can we do? 1st Mate: Maybe if they were organized into a fighting group it would. help. J.P .. J. Ho" would that help? 1 1st Mate: Well, sir, we could teach them how to peel spuds and mop the floor. J.P.J.: Swab the deck. 1st Mate: I'll get right on it, sir. Conl. on pu~t· K Raw lust loathed • To the Editor: ·1 think something should be done about the raw sex that goes on down the Main Street of Parkside. It is utterly disgusting to be walking along and seeing on everyone of those couches at least two people in reclining positio:is. It's very embarrassing for people like me to cast my eyes upon this outrageous activity. On top of all that, I blush easily. It is also very contagious. First one couch is filled with intimate lovers and then pretty soon all the couches are full of the deadly lust. I strongly believe th t sc,mething should be done about this abhorring ituation. Th re are never any couches open when it comes around to my turn with my iover for the day! I feel I ha,.. • just a,; much right to the couch - as the others who fill them day after day and hour after hour! 1,ove and Ki es, Susie Cream Cheese ........ OIi pUJ!I' H The Movie Scene by Angel Ramiern For the next month an a half, the film industry \rill bee cretin its holiday blockbusters onto big sil\'er screens around the coun~·. Squeezed fr_om the bowels of motion picture comparue ' larg st budgets, most prestigious directors, and biggest stars, they ~ill splash across billboards, T.V. screens, magazine and newspaper featur , and filmed ··conung attractions" 10 competitive, dazzlin nd sometimes tasteless publicity campaigns. Sa\'ed for those last weeks before the de-adline for 1976 Academy Award consideration they are the efforts of canny tudio h a who are out to grab a percentage of movie goers' Chri tmas bonus chi In some cases, an over-blown blockbuster manages to bar ly pa wind. and a studio may have to work like hyp r ban hee to t out of the red by next Christmas. Here is a run-0own of the holiday fare for tho e with discriminating tastes: Cough at the Dc,·il - A hand ome. wordly circus clown throws up on a young girl at a childrens' hospital and is di raced, H o to Africa, where he finds work as a tap dancer's understudy in a traveling Zulu repertory compan)'. After falling in love with a gazelle, he rents an abandoned gravel plant and ets up a bu ine manufacturin quicksand. Overacted by Andy Griffith and Connie Stevens, the film stumbl through a predictable script. At least the gazelle had a nice tush. The La,;t Lug Wrenrh - Despite George C. Scott's ensitive, commanding performance as an almost totally paralyzed plumber, this film wanders between themes of lonely lasciviousn and dental hygiene. The story concerns Buford Davis (Scott), a plumber incapacitated from the neck down due to a childhood accident. Though fully capable at his job - he fixes toilets and drain pipes by holding tools in his mouth - he must face a shattering dilemma. He needs false teeth. The film climaxes when Davis, head-strong and persistant, is on his back making a delicate adjustment under a garbage disposal, a plyer • in his gums, when he gets a runny nose. Whining and squirming, Scott manages to convey the rough persistence of a desperate man, with insightful determination, against a world gone limp. Never a Dull Hemorrhage - The world goes topsy-turvy in this mad farce about a crack emergency room team in a Ne'! York hospital. Though the plot has some familiar overtones, th~ breakneck pace and superb acting, most notably Ernest Borgnine as a wacky, profane orderly, and Ed McMahon as "Bump" the sadistic nurse, stand b themselves. Though the movie may be almost nauseatingly bloodthirsty in parts t Director Richard Lester was actually able to get several fresh corpses to use in his train \\>Teck and university bombing scenes), it is a delight to watch, and will most certainly be a memorable distraction during the holiday season. fl61 'll ~aqW"AONH30NVH&(J 30IS>lHVd 3H.1 ~ Doctor: Rain? Not today. S.N.: No Marines. You know, arrah ..,forget it. SceneY. Sam returns to Tu.JVTavern on crutches. could see a nice tanKardof ale about oow! Ah, Tun Tavern! I'll just bop in here and quaff a quick one. Hunun, nice alliteration! (to Bartender) Bartend, I'll have a pint or ale, please. Say, yo~ haven't seen any Marines around here, have you. Bortend: Nah, it ain't gonna rain. Here's your brew bud. S.N.: Nice alliteration, but ,I said Marines, not may rain. Bortend: Who, what? S.N.: You know, Arrah arrah, gung ho.... oh, hell! Jobn Wayne! Bortend: Oh, Marines! Nah, just a few good men who want to fight. They're all around. S.N.: How can you tell? It-looks pretty peaceful. Bortend: Try God save the you-koow-who. S.N.: Who, John Wayne? _ Bartend: No, nerd, the king! You must be an officer! S.N.:{;()DSAYE THE KING!!! AHH!!! HELP!!! . Sceue iV. S.N.: Thanks, doc. You sure I won't get /3bies, tetanus, or-get wierd during the full moon. Those are pretty nasty bites! Doctor: No, you're okay. You'd best stay away from wild dog packs. They can be real ~ean. S.N.: They were Marines. Doctor: Rain? Not today. . S.N.: No Marines. You know, arrah ...forget It. Scene IV. S.N.: Thanks, doc. You sure I won't get rabies, tetanus, or get wierdduring the full moon? Those are pretty nasty bites! Doctor: No, you're okay. You'd best stay away from wild dog packs. They can be real mean. S.N: They were Marine.s. rUlit. (ruIn flair ':' J.P.J.: Not you. the Marines! lSI Mate: It's not going to rain, sir. .t P.J.: Not may r$in! Marine! 1st Mate: Who, what? J.P:J.: You know, arrah arrah, gung ho, take the hill! Guard the embassy, first to ftght, Semper Fidelis, Halls of Montazuma, Shores of Tripoli! lSI Mate: Who, what? J.P.J.: John Wayne!!! lSI Mate: Dh, Marines! I'll get someone on it right away. Seenen. First Mate meets with Samual Nickolas. lSI Mate: ...so that's our problem. We want you to organl2e them into a fighting force. S.N.: But why me? I know nothing of naval , pr·'. ~..res. Besides, my hair's too short. 1st: Mate: Perfect! S.N.: What's in it for me, anyway? lSI Mate: Marine Captain's bars. . S.N.: I could dig being a captain '8nd. ~g my own pub but why'd you say It may ram. 1st Mate: Not may rain! Marine! You know, arrah arrah, gung bo, take the hill! Guard the embassy, first to fight, Semper Fidelis, Halls of Montazuma, Shores of Tripoli! S.N.: Who, what? 1st Mate: John Wayne! S.N.: Oh,Marines! l'UseewhatI can dig up. Scene ill. November 10,1775 Sam is walking the streets of Philadelphia .. arching out a few good men who want to fi£ht. S. .: (to selfl I've been humping these streets for hours. Where are the Marines when you need them~ I'll bet they're all out at the bars. Yeh, I S.N.: (to bartender) Thanks, pal! Why didn't YllQ warn me? ' Bortend: I lost five bucks on the Army-Navy 88Ille last week. Army won! S.N.: (to patrons) All right, you few good men who want to fight, who'll be the first 10 sign up and help initiate the greatest fighting force in history. Who will defend to the death life'"l.iberty and pursuit of happiness? Who will begin thl\!ong . of proud patriots who will win wars, buy bonds, and be always faithful to freedom? Who wanta lb annihilate the antagonists ot America? Group: Do we get a free college education too? S.N.: (to Bartend) What went wrong? Bortend: Nice alliteration, bad recruiting. Watch .this. FREE ALE TD AL4MARINES!!! S.N.: AHH!!! HELP!!! Bortend: How's that? S.N.: Gr~t, thanks! Hey, what's your name and who the Hell are all these men? Bortend: I'm Robert Mullens and this is the Continental Congress. S.N.: Well, Bob, you're now Captain Mullens, the first Marine Corps recruiter. Bortend: Oh? And I take it you are Captain Samual Nickolas, the first Marine Corps Commandant? S.N.: Yeh, painfully correct! (to man at the bar) Private, could you please remove your boot from my throat? And that's the way it was, two-hundred~and-oDe years ago last week! r-unt. Fr-om puge 7 Johns iibed , Dear People: You know, I get kind of mad whenever I go to the john and \,have to sit in those damn white, sterile, naked stalls. You may not know this but in this whole stinking building, the only place a guy can get any rest and peace is in the can. I see to it that I put in three or four hours every day. It's great, and personally, I like the old johns in Greenquist rather than some of those bowls they've got in the newer ones that are six feet off the ground. You know what I mean. I come away from dangling on those things with a .. crease right where the sur. don't ~ shine . .; ----------------, ;i PREVENTS I ~I PABpresents Wednesday, NOVembe:17 (as usual) I Free Lecture: sponsered by Pre-Law Club: "Fixing tickets" Art or I Craft I I I Anyway, I was just wonde~ who I could see about getting a couple posters hung up. You know, an Alice Cooper or the Stones, or Bowie. I don't knO\ll what the girls would. want. Wen, how ahout it? Hey, and maybe some magazines or comic books, or a six-pack! Maybe somebody could install an eight-track, you know? Think it over. Hey, and call me. I've got a water bed you might be interested in using. Yours, Arthur Bunpbuccer ll're tler crippled Judd GutzbUl!t grapples Elmer Hassen oeiology professor in a 13-0 march. to the mat, pinning the Thursday t November 18 by world-wide travellers (Parkside Shuttle ~ Wrestlers open season Travel Lecture: Drivers) PAB Presents: "The-we-advertise-in-toilets-movie" Down The Drain I at 7 p.m. at Union _ I I . Friday, Novemher 19 I IConcert: featuring the one, the only, fantastic ......... PAB does il Iagain! . I Pre·Thanksgiving Turkety Shoot: Contestants must supply weapons.I I Parkside faculty supplies turkeys. I _ Saturday, November 20 I IOutdoor Track Meet: UW-Parkside Streakers v. Petrifying Springs I IPark County Sheri~ at 4:00. I I Sunday, Novemher21 I Parkside Physical Plant Rummage Sale: 12.to 6 p.m. Items for sale I IInclude one slightly used Union Bldg., Classroom Bldg., slightly ~~~--------------j by Huty Cosell januned a size lwelve set of gal! deats into my face. " Cutting a triple-threat swath into the fans in record time, the wrestlers were able to find most of the faculty members in the stands and drag them down to the mats where they held grudge matches. Despite an unfair advantage on the part of the wrestlers· eight on one - the lans seemed receptive to the polished new look of the Ranger team. "II was really im!X'essive," remarked junior Amy Rancum. "Just watching all those straining, sweating bodies, lllrashing and undulating; hard flesh and knotted muscle struggling in grim, brutish animal strength. II was beautiful!" Final ta1lies showed Bill Lockahaw, a Parkside senior, leading in points with eleven pins againsl five English instructors, three Physics professors, lwo librarians, and a Psychology professor. Harold Leeth was second in reaching the points with eight pins. He confined himsIef to faculty members of the ecooomics departments. Despite the criticism Lungfekker received on his team's new "techniques" following the game, he trushed it off with typical Whimsy. "Some punk redneck is always sticking his face out When something new like this comes along. I've got a winning team and that's all that counts." If Coach Amo Lunglekker's enthusiasm is any indication, Parkside wrest11ng fans can e:q>ect a .... ason they'll never forget" from the UW-P grappling SOIJ8d ''This team has something apodal," Lungfetker exclaimed during a break in practice last Thunday. "I've been waiting to coach a crack squad like this since the war." After watching the sixteen hour practice, and FrIday night's _/lOOn match against Carthage, it is doubtful if anyone could refnte Lungfekker's conunent. Having scrapped their usual lightweight togs for shoulder pads, hmberjack boots, chain mall, and crash helmets, the Ranger team stormed into the Carthage Fieldhouse like a troop of psychopathic sunural, brandJ.shlng riot clubs. Within a moment they had savapiy attacked the opposing team, who had been caught In III1SUSpeClingsurprise, and beaten them 5O... less. After loading the UIlCOOlICious Carthaginians into a waiting van which immediately left for Butte, Montana, the Parkslde grapplers formed an imposlnIJ dragnet artlUnd the East bleachers and pressed In on the crowd. As one fan, John Ortbbcn, 21,e<>mmented: "I thought it was a jote untII one of lhoe6 apes said. 'Suck 011this, pinko worm; and Team loses again by P.J. Sampson had the same problem since sununer workouts began last July. II gets pretty frustratinll drawing diagrams for an empty room." The Rangers will face • UW-Eau Claire in their next game here at the yet un' discovered Ranger stadIUm. " The Ranger football team lost ita 8th straight game on a forfeit last Saturday, this time to uwWhitewater. When asked Why the team refused to show up at the games, C~ch Coeb.-e2th r~plicd, "We'~'e 9t6l 'll .taqwaAON ~39NV~acJ 30lS>t~Vd 3Hl. l> Doctor: Rain? Not today. rnnt. (null pK~f" 7 J.P.J.: • ·ot you, the Marines! 1 t 1ate : It's not going to rain, sir. .1 P • .:.: • ·ot may rain! Marine! l t Mate: Who, what? could see a nice ianKardof ale about now! Ah, Tun Tavern! I'll just bop in here and quaff a quick one. Hwnm, nice alliteration! (to Bartender) Bartend, I'll have a pint or ale, please. Say, yo~ haven't seen any Marines around here, have you. s.N.: No Marines. You know, arrah ... forget it. SceneV. Sam returns to Tu,Jl"Tavern on crutches. S.N.: (to bartender) Thanks, pal! Why didn't you J.P:J.: You know, arrah arrah, gung ho, take the hill! Guard the embassy, first to fight, Semper Fidelis, Halls of Montazwna, Shores of Tripoli! 1st Mate: Who, what? Bartend: Nah, it ain't gonna rain. Here's your brew bud. S.N.: Nice alliteration, but ,I said Marines, not may rain. warn me? · Bartend: I lost five bucks on the Army-Navy game last week. Army won! s.N.: (to patrons) All right, you few good men who want to fight, who'll be the first to sign up and help initiate the greatest fighting force in history? Who will defend to the death life"liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Who will begin the long line of proud patriots who will win wars, buy bonds, and be always faithful to freedom? Who wants to annihilate the antagonists of America? J.P.J.: John Wayne!!! Bartend: Who, what? 1st Mate: Oh, Marines! I'll get someone on it right S.N.: You know, Arrah arrah, gung ho .... oh, hell! away. Scene Il. First Mate meets with Samual Nickolas. John Wayne! Bartend: Oh, Marines! Nah, just a few good men who want to fight. They're all around. 1st Mate: ... so that's our problem. We want you to organize them into a fighting force. s.N.: But why me? I know nothing of naval , pr-"~ ~ .. res. Besides, my hair s too short. S.N.: How can you tell? It looks pretty peaceful. Bartend: Try God save the you-know-who. S.N.: Who, John Wayne? _ Group: Do we get a free college education too? s.N.: (to Bartend) What went wrong? Bartend: No, nerd, the king! You must be an of1 t: Mate: Perfect! ' · What's in it for me, anyway? ficer! S.N.:-GOD SAVE THE KING!!! AHH! ! ! HELP!!! • SC.t'Ut! i\r'. Bartend: Nice alliteration, bad recruiting. Watch , this. FREE ALE TO ALL 1 1 MARINES! ! ! ·~ Mate: Marine Captain's bars. . s. ·.: I could dig being a captain and owmng my own pub, but why'd you say it may rain? 1 t fate: Not may rain! Marine! You know, arrah rrah, ng ho, take the hill! Guard the embassy, fir t to fight, Semper Fidelis, Halls of Mont zuma , Shores of Tripoli! s.N.: Thanks, doc. You sure I won't get /abies, tetanus, or-get wierd during the full moon . Those are pretty nasty bites! S.N.: AHH!!! HELP!!! Bartend:. How's that? s.N.: Great, thanks! Hey, what's your name and who the Hell are all these men? , s .. ·.: Who, what? 1 t Mate : John Wayne! .• '.: Oh.Marine·.! I'll see what I can dig up. eene 111. oYember 10, 1775 Doctor: No, you're okay. You'd best stay away from wild dog packs. They can be real mean. S.N.: They were Marines. Doctor : Rain? Not today. S.N.: No Marines. You know, arrah ... forget it. Scene IV . Bartend: I'm Robert Mullens and this is the Continental CQngress. s.N.: Well, Bob, you're now Captain Mullens, the first Marine Corps recruiter. m i walking the streets of Philadelphia arching out a few good men who want~ fight. s .• ·.: (to self) I've been hwnping these streets for hour . Wher are the Marines when you need them? I'll bet they're all out at the bars. Yeh, I S.N.: Thanks, doc. You sure I won't get rabies, tetanus, or get wierd,during the full moon? Those are pretty nasty bites! Doctor: No, you're okay. You'd best stay away from wild dog packs. They can be real mean. S.N : They were Marines. Bartend: Oh? And I take it you are Captain Samual Nickolas, the first Marine Corps Commandant? s.N.: Yeh, painfully correct! (to man at the bar) Private, could you please remove your boot from my throat? And that's the way it was, two-hundred-and-one years ago last week! t·ont. from pu!!e 7 Johns iibed Dear People: You know, I get kind of mad whenever I go to the john and have to sit in those damn white, sterile, naked stalls. You may not know this but in this whole stinking building, the only place a guy can get any rest and peace is in the can. I see to it that I put in three or four hours every day. It's great, and personally, I like the old johns in Greenquist rather than some of those bowls they've got in the newer ones that are six feet off the ground. You know what I mean. I come away from dangling on those things with a ~ crease right where the sun don't t shine. Anyway, I was just wondering who I could see about getting a ·couple posters hung up. You Jcnow, ah Alice Cooper or the Stones, or Bowie. I don't know what the girls would. want. Well, how about it? Hey, and maybe some magazines or comic books, or a six-pack ! Maybe somebody could install an eight-track, you know? Think it over. Hey, and call me. I've got a water bed you might be interested in using. Yours, Arthur Bunphuccer -" ~~..-..~~~~~~~~...-.~~~~, !! PREVENTS I 0 e f :: Wednes_day, November 17 I re tier Judd Gutzbust grapple · Elmer Hassen to the mat. pinning the t·rippl d oC'iolog} proft- . or in a 13-0 match. ' t ;~~ r:::;!:. ~ponsereci ·b~- P;~-~~ -ci~i/ ;,Fi,tl~g .ii~k~::.~ ~~~a~; I Craft Wrestlers open season by Hanky Cos~ll If Coach Arno Lungfekker's enthusiasm is any ndication, Parkside wrestling fans can expect a ason they'll never forget" from the UW-P grappling 5411ad. "This team has something cial," Lu.ngfekker exclaimed during a break in practice la t Thursday. "I've been waiting to coach a crack squad like this since the war." After atching the sixteen hour practice, and Friday night's pre-season match against Carthage, it doubtful if anyone could refute Lungfekker's comm nt. Having scrapped their usual lightweight togs for shoulder pads, lumberjack boots, chain mail, and crash helmets, the Ranger team stormed into the rth e Fieldhouse like a troop of psychopathic samurai, brandishing riot clubs. Within a moment they had savagely attacked the opposing team, who had been caught In unsuspecting surprise, and beaten them senseless. After lo ding the unconscious Carthaginians into a waiting van which immediately left for Butte, ontana, the Parkside grapplers formed an imposing dragnet around the East bleachers and pre in on the crowd . one fan, John Orthbon, 21 , comm nted: " I thought it was a joke until one of th pes id, •suck on this, pinko worm; and jammed a size twelve set of gulf _cleats into my face." Cutting a triple-threat swath into the fans in record time, the wrestlers were able to find most of the faculty members in the stands and drag them down to the mats where they held grudge matches. Despite an unfair advantage on the part of the wrestlers • eight on one • the fans seemed receptive to the polished new look of the Ranger team. "It was really impressive," remarked junior Amy Rancum. "Just watching all those straining, sweating bodies, thrashing and undulating; hard flesh and knotted muscle struggling in grim, brutish animal strength. It was beautiful!" Final tallies showed Biff Lockshaw, a Parkside senior, leading in points with eleven pins against five English instructors, three Physics professors, two librarians, and a Psychology professor. Harold Leeth was second in reaching the points with eight pins. He confined himslef to faculty members of the economics departments. Despite the criticism Lungfekker received on his team's new "techniques" following the game, he brushed it off with typical whimsy. "Some punk redneck is always sticking his face out when something new like this comes along. I've got a winning team and that's all that counts." t t t t t Thursday, November 18 Travel Lecture: by world-wide travellers ( Parkside Drivers) PAB Presents: "The-we-advertise-in-toilets-movie" Down The Drain f at 7 p.m. at Union - t Friday, November 19 I Concert: featuring the one, the only, fantastic ......... PAB does it t again! · t Pre-Thanksgiving Turkety Shoot: Contestants must supply weapons., f Parkside faculty supplies turkeys. t . Saturday, November 20 I f Outdoor Track Meet: UW-Parkside Streakers v. Petrifying Springs l I Park County Sheri~ at 4:00. f f Sunday, November 21 f ~arkside Phys~cal Plant Rummage Sale: 12. to 6 p.m. Items fo'. sale t f mclude one slightly used Union Bldg., Classroom Bldg., slightly l damaged. - j ~~~~~~~~~~~--~~~~ Team loses again by P .J. Sampson The Ranger football team lost its 8th straight game on a forfeit last Saturday, this time to UWWhitewater. When asked why the team refused to show up at the games, Co:::ch Coc!b:e::!th r~plic1, "We've had the same problem si.m::e summer workouts began I~st July. It gets pretty frustrating drawing diagrams for an empty room." The Rangers will face UW-Eau Claire in their next game t un· here at the ye discovered Ranger Stadium. Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Parkside DeRanger, Volume V, issue 10, November 17, 1977 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1977-11-17 Type The nature or genre of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPAC124_19761117_DeRanger.pdf satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/bbb0753cd8ff96181335f667c122e9b7.pdf 53e1d877fb780c804741821ec2bd38fd Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Ronnie topic of public forum Issue Volume 8, issue 25 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document f Utellum Correspondence School Nothing that is contained in this issue of the Stranger is intended to be factual. All names, pictures, and references to real people are purposely coincidental. However, if you wish to take anything in this issue seriously, that is your own damn problem and since we are printing this disclaimer you ugly people out there can't do a thing to us, you bunch of morons. Day 5,789 of Iranian Crisis ranger Vol. 1 - No. V2 Ronnie topic of public forum A public forum discussing the stupidity of Ronald Reagan, the top Republican candidate for the presidential nomination, will be held tonight at 7 p. m. in Comm. Arts Theater. The forum, entitled "Is Ronald Reagan Really That Dum or Is He Just a Good Actor?," is expected to bring to the public's attention the many banal and asinine comments the candidate has made. The panel includes Jerry Ford and Barbara Timm, who know how to be highly stupid, and Mohammad Ali and Farrah Fawcett, who have bad acting down to an art. One point that will probably be brought up throughout the forum is Reagan's habit of q uoting facts and figures from the numerous newspapers and magazines he reads on the campaign trail. That's how the star of "Bedtime for Bonzo" attributed his repeated blunder of "Alaska alone has a greater oil reserve than Saudi Arabia." It doesn't really matter that Saudi Arabia has 18 times as much oil as. Alaska because Reagan read otherwise in the National Enquirer or Star or some other reputable publication. Another good Reagan - witicism is his response to the Three Mile Island incident. "The accident in Pennsylvania showed how well nuclear systems work despite human errors," the one - time California governor said. The fact that Reagan has only been an actor, baseball radio announcer and state governor, has caused some people to wonder about Reagan's handling of foreign policy. But one Reagan press release tried to brag about the 17 trips abroad the candidate has made in his political career. Reagan, the press release says, met "the King of S iam" in 1971. The release must have meant that he met Yul Brynner because Siam changed its name to Thailand in 1939. But many voters feel presidents don't have to pay too much attention to countries such as Siam/Thailand, so Reagan's lack of knowledge isn't important when voting for President. It doesn't even matter that Reagan can't place the name of France's President Giscard d' Estang. "Who's heard of France anyway?" will most likely be the argument of s ome of the forum's panelists. "He doesn't know any better," admitted one of Reagan's aides, "because he's a fool. But that's one of h is strengths — the people, overall, are fools and of course they want one like themselves to lead us into the future." People have their chance tonight to hear both sides and then decide for themselves. The forum will only last two hours due to the unlimited examples of Reagan's stupidity, something he himself has admitted to. "Sure, I'm dumb," Reagan once said, "but I believe the people are even more stupider." Orange Room INCOMING FRESHMEN will be fully initiated into the customs of the university when given a full tour of the campus. One of the highlights of the tour is the Orange Room, one of this institution's oldest traditions. THIS IS IT INSIDE • • • Lungs. . . nexi tu tlic heart Heart. . . next to the lungs Gonads. . . a new punk group? W\AAAAA#%AA#%A»»AA#*AAA#*#% Security tries recruiting A SECURITY OFFICER snags a prime candidate for the force as recruiting begins this week. The Parkside office of Safety and Security has announced that they are in the process of searching for new recruits. Many of the officers that were working for security are no longer employed there for one reason or another. Turmoil within the organization has led to numerous injuries and even a death or two as a result of gunfights in the Tallent Hall office. Security head Don Blinkman pointed the finger at one member of the force, but wouldn't mention her name because as he said, "she scares the piss out of me every time I see her." "She's a real mean sucker," adds Blinkman, "Once one of our supervisors tried to talk to her about always being late and she wrestled him to the floor and got him in a full nelson and bit off both of his ears." This officer has also caused damage to a couple of vehicles used by security. "Any time one of the cars won't start she bites off the tires and throws them through the windshield and then flips the car over." Ever since the Parkside administration allowed the security officers to carry guns there have again been numerous reports of students being shot at for simple traffic violations. Any students caught walking on the grass usually get a warning shot that hits the ground in front of them and then if they don't hurry they generally get a foot shot off. "I just don't know how to control her any more," adds Blinkman. "I think I'm just going to let her have my job just to get her off the streets. Of course I'd sure in the hell hate to work for her. I've had a couple of threats against my body by other officers saying I should get rid of h er. But how the hell do you get rid of something like that without a platoon of Marines? And even that would have to be a volunteer force as many of them would not likely live to tell about it." Anyone wishing to work as a member of security should send a letter to: Death Wish, Box 404, Stranger. —Coming Events— THURSDAY, MAY 8 LECTURE at 11:45 a. m. in Union 106. Professor Andrew McLean will talk on "The poetry of Unionism." The program is free and open to the public. RECITAL by students at 2:00 p. m. in the Union Cinema. The program is free and open to the public. COURSE "Women: Financial Planning" starts at 7 pm in T181. Call ext. 2312 for more details. Sponsored by UW-Extension. FRIDAY, MAY 9 CONCERT at 8:00 p.m. in GR 103 featuring Susan Gulick. The program is free and open to the public. SATURDAY, MAY 10 MOVIE "Every Man for Himself and God Against All: The Myster of Kaspar Hauser" will be shown at 7:30 p. m. in the Union Cinema. Admission at the door is $1.50 and the program is open to the public. Sponsored by the Kinesis Film Series. TUESDAY, MAY 13 SEMINAR "Surviving Divorce" at 7 pm in T181. Call ext. 2312 for more details. Sponsored by UW-Extension. FRIDAY, MAY 18 MOVIE "That's Entertainment" will be shown at 7 :30 pm in the Union Cinema. The movie is open to the public and being sponsored by the Kinesis Film Series. Admission at the door is $1.50. SATURDAY, MAY 17 BUS TOUR "Old World Wisconsin" at 8:30 am. Call ext. 2312 f or reservations. Sponsored by UW-Extension. SUNDAY, MAY 18 COMMENCEMENT at 3 pm in the Physical Education Building. The program is free and open to the public. Editorial Barbara Timm for diplomacy i So, Jimmy Carter has done it again. After Cyrus Vance resigned as Secretary of State, our great fearless leader appointed Senator Ed Muskie to the position. Now what is the peanut vender trying to pull? Does he really think that the people of this esteemed country will believe such an incredible lack of tact and know how? We all know that Muskie has no experience dealing first-hand in foreign affairs, so why was he appointed? It seems that Carter could've found someone to take the position that has the talent and experience necessary to handle this important job. Why take a good Senator from Congress when he knows that there are people more qualified. Who is more qualified? There is one person among us who has proved herself both qualified and competent for this diplomatic position, Barbara Timm. That's right. This woman of the world is really going places. Who else had the guts to talk to the Iranian militants on their own level? Who else is about to stand up for his or her beliefs to the point of disagreeing with our often misguided federal government? I say that Mrs. Timm is quite a lady. She began as a normal U.S. housewife with a patriotic attitude. She even gave her son to Iran to prove that she would give anything for her country? Now is that the kind of of thing a Senator would do? Of course not. All they want is a new office and a pay raise so they can go to all of the Washington parties and hire well-endowed girls for secretaries. What would Barbara Timm do with such a secretary? It's not too late for President Carter to reconsider. He must make sure that the right person is doing the job. But how can we, the U.S. citizens, get him to appoint Barbara Timm to the office? Stranger has found a way — a draft Barbara Timm campaign! We'll not stop at anything to accomplish our goal. Because we believe in truth and the American way, we will fight this 'til the very end, when Mrs. Timm is sitting in Washington D.C. as Secretary of State. If you'd like to contribute to this worthy cause (That's right, it's going to take lots of money!) send a check or money order to: Timm for Diplomacy c/o Stranger Utellem Correspondence School Theyran, Uran Your contribution will be tax deductible, so hurry we don't have much time. We have to start preparing the champaign dinners and parties for the White House staff right away. If you can't, for some formidable reason, send money, start a petition in your neighborhood. The following is what your petition should say: We the undersigned United States citizens give our total and uncompromising support to Mrs. Barbara Timm of Oak Creek, Wisconsin that she may be appointed as Secretary of State for our beautiful country. We believe that she alone is capable of getting the 50 hostages out of Iran through her prayers and communication with the militant students. Again, your speed is important. We must act now! Don't let America be served rotten peanuts again! Letters to the Editor Neighbor tells all To the Editor: Do you remember last week Thursday, Huh? It was about 30 degrees outside and there was a nasty nip to the air. Remember? And the wind was off the lake, real brisk and chilly. You remember. Well, late in the day — after whatever warmth we did get was long gone — I saw something I thought you might be interested in. Because it concerns your staff. I saw one of my neighbors forcing her innocent, helpless child out into the cold evening air in a sKiTt ana scan — notning else. No coat. No hat. No mittens. Not much different than the usual with those people, but this time, it was too pitiful hearing that helpless little 2-year-old scream, "No mommy, NO! Don't make me do it." And her mother, the fiendish bitch, just kept pushing her along with this big pointy stick, while these two shady-looking men, who were her accomplices, I guess, laughed. It was awful. Then they made the poor little kid do all sorts of strange things with a garbage can. When they started taking pictures, I couldn't believe it. I feel like puking just thinking about it. Or maybe it's time for one of my pills. That's the sort of perverted sickos they are, though. I could tell you stories about that household that would curl your hair. Last year, they didn't cut their grass one time for over two weeks. Now I ask you, is that sick or am I ready to take another one of my darling little pills again? They say the woman is some kind of student besides working on a newspaper. A student of what, I'd like to know. I can just about guess. Some of the people I've seen (from my window) going in and out of that pig-sty look kind of funny, too. Stumbling around and muttering garbage about some girl named Mary Jane. I don't even go over there for fear what they have is catchy. Not that I would even lower myself to associate with that kind. Ick! I've just got to have another one of those sweet, lovely, delicious little pills. Be right back. Well, I feel much better. I feel great. But that was my last one. Well, I haven't seen the woman around the last couple of days. Maybe she finally got what was coming to her. I hope so. The last weird thing I saw over there was this big box set out on their front porch for the mailman. Addressed to someplace behind the Iron Curtain, for Pete's sake. It figures. They would know somebody communist. It's funny. I haven't seen the woman around ever since the box disappeared. Well, maybe that man she lives with (I don't believe they're married. None of th at kind is.) finally got fed up with that crazy Women's Libber and had her put someplace where they can teach her to iron and vacuum like the rest of us decent women. But I'm still worried about that poor little girl. I just hope somebody helps her. I can't take it anymore. I'm out of those sweet, darling, delicious, mind-blowing little pills, and I feel like my teeth are going to jump out of my mouth and do a tap dance on the table here, so I better go now. Sincerely, G. Helgeson's neighbor Upset over stolen towel Dear Editor: This is addressed to the halfbrained, syphilitic cretin who so kindly stole my towel while I was showering last week in the Phy-Ed building. I know the world situation sucks, but things are really rotten when you find that some cancerous spawn of a toad has surpassed himself in new lows, mainly by leaving you to drip-dry for two hours before you can get dressed, simply because they didn't have enough common sense to remember their own towels. I hope your genitals rot! Name Withheld, P.S. My doctor says that my body lice should clear up in a few weeks, so if you wake up in bed some morning with a lot of friendly little white creatures trudging through your hair, don't be surprised! Reader disgusted Dear Ms. Editor: (This is not to refer to the editor of any column entitled Ms., but refers to the editor of the newpaper as a Ms.) I wish this letter to be printed for the purpose of attacking all of the disgusting and tasteless stories that you are undoubtedly going to print in this final issue. Knowing that there will be no next issue for people to object to the stories in this issue, I am taking this opportunity to do it. However, by not knowing exactly what kind of mulch you are going to print I cannot attack any specific topic, with the possible exception of your lack of tact and total irresponsibility of the method in which you try so failingly to represent the news; Come to think of it, all that is necessary is to pick up a copy of the April 24th issue of the Ranger and make note of a ll the junk that is enclosed in it. On the very first page is a terrible display of the Ranger's willingness to tout it's own bullshit and who gives a fuck anyway accomplishments. The awards banquet story and picture are prime examples of t his attitude. I noticed right away that the picture printed showed the table in which your useless staff was seated at. Of c ourse these was a photographer at this revered event. Upon opening the issue to page two, I chanced to glance at The Globe at a Glance and I noticed that this was another of the many sections of the paper that are totally ignorable. And again, next to that column is a picture of o ne of the ever so important Ranger sponsored contests, which was probably fixed because I didn't win anything. Moving on I read another apalling bigoted article condemning another race of Gods children. How can you possibly print any of these abhorable racist articles and look yourself in the eye and say you're a true American. Besides, there's only one thing I hate in this world worse than bigots and that is of course Eskimos. Your next page entitled Spring has Sprung is really a leaker. Yours news editor or feature editor, or whoever is responsible for that page, must be a couple pickles short of a jar. Here is a prime example of wasted space — No T & A a nywhere. The classified section of the paper used to be the high point of the paper, if there ever was one. That has really gone downhill since you limited the number of ads per person, thus eliminating all of the meaningful communication between students. As far as the sports section is concerned, it isn't really worth while to comment on such unimportant dribble. Overall, your paper is nothing to be proud of, but it has proven useful for lining my bird cage, paper training my dog, and wrapping my fish. Sincerely yours, X Ranger enjoyed Dear Editor: I have thouroughly enjoyed your past issues of t he Ranger. I found the news very enlightening, the features both humorous and entertaining, and the sports informative and up to date. Rfkgie dkslto yp aksmcer .. . Sorry, they don't let me play with machines like this very often. By the way, what is a Ranger? And what does daylight look like? I have never EDITOR seen it. , Ayatollah Utodoit FEATURE EDITOR, Ayatollah Himtodoit NEWS EDITOR, Ayatollah Hertodoit SPORTS EDITOR, Ayatollah Iwondoit PHOTO EDITOR, Ayatollay Leemeoutadis BUSINESS MANAGER, Ayatollah Moola AD MANAGER, Ayatollah Cashit CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD, Ayatollah Notooelectme PUBLIC RELATIONS, Barbara Timm REPORTERS Alfred Hitchcock, Jimmy Durante, Elvis Presley, Bing Crosby, Judy Garland, Lou Gehrig, Benjamin Franklin, I. M. Dead. Stranger is written and edited by students of the Utellem Correspondence School, Theyran, Uran. It is published every time a W. E. Embassy is overtaken by Mickey Roonie's ex-wives or Liz Taylor's ex - husbands. Letters to the editor will be published if complementary, truthful, and made from letters cut out of magazines pasted on a piece of yellow paper. Stranger reserves the right to execute anyone stupid enough to like our paper. v / TBA presents a CONCERT featuring "TO BE ANNOUNCED" Where: To be announced When: To be announced Admission: To be announced Tickets available at TBA outlets everywhere STRANGER From the Sandbox Annie speaks Shooting Shoelaces People with flapping shoelaces can sigh with relief because Joe Tie was gunned down today by police. Before he was killed. Tie murdered his fiance, yelling, "I had to do it . . . her shoe laces were flapping!" He also wounded three innocent bystanders during the shooting. The irony of it all ... the bystanders weren't wearing any shoes! Dead fly dilemma by A. Helgeson All semester, I've been patient with mother. It's been difficult sometimes, but I knew I would get my chance. And boy, have I got something to say. About mom — or "mommie dearest," as she pinches me into saying. You readers just don't know how hard it is to sit in that cabinet under the sink with all those spiders and mousetraps and Lemon Joy all the time. How did you think she gets her column done, anyway? Did you think she gave me cookies or milk and said, "Go play now sweetie"? Are you kidding? Every week it's "Get under the sink so I can write!" Now t hat you know, what do you think. I know you're supposed to sacrifice for art, but I think that means she should suffer, not me, and that garbage she writes is hardly art, anyway. I tried to tell her that last week as she stuffed my chubby little legs in to the cupboard again, but there's just no reasoning with her. She said, "You're only two, Annie honey, so how do you know?" Then she tied the doors shut and I whimpered. I used to scream. But no matter. I took care of her. After the garbage can fiasco, I determined that I was simply not going to let her tantrums and rages overpower me again. And I feel lots better now. Daddy won't catch on to what I did for a long time. Especially since I promised him a Harley-Davidson XL-1200 out of the deal. Mom never would let him have one. Oh yeah, that reminds me. You know the ad with the really cute little blonde girl and the garbage can? Well, you don't have to send any money to the Ranger if you want to help that poor creature. You can send it all to me and I'll get it to her for them. I'm sure we — I mean she, gets about $6,000 by May 30 or they'll have to send back the motorcy — I mean food and clothes. Addenda to book on etiquette by Ann Landers, co-edited by Rosanne Rosanna Danna Nature requires that unusual things will happen to people from time to time that could prove to be embarassing if not handled with proper etiquette. There are other embarassing incidents, however, that are extremely embarassing no matter how one handles them. These incidents happen to all of us at sometime. In order to show poise and grace, one must be able to handle even the most terrible episodes with care. To be prepared for the worst is to be considered a member of the elite in etiquette circles. Take the following incident as an example: You are at a summer cocktail party at the home of a friend. Because of the warm stuffy weather, the host suggests that the party members migrate to the screened in porch. You follow - your host out of t he house and find yourself a chair near the wall. Your host, noticing that several flies have managed to sneak their way in, picks up a fly swattter and battles the flies. As flies drop everywhere under your host's masterful swatting, you noti ce that one of h is victims has fallen from the wall behind you, landing on your cheek. Of course, it sticks because the swatter smashed it. What should you do? Your first reaction would be to jump up and scream. Don't do it. You have four options that will deliver you gracefully out of this embarassing incident. The first to be considered is this: Cover the fly with a cupped hand, check to see if anyone is watching that may have seen the fly land, and excuse yourself to the lavatory where you can carefully remove it with toilet tissue and wash the area. Your second option is slightly more risky than the first because you won't have the aid of the lavatory mirror. Turn the cheek with the fly away from the other Stranger guests, take a tissue or hankerchief and pretend to blow your nose. In so doing you may remove the insect and camouflage the incident. If you just returned from the lavatory, you may use this option and not have to worry about the host or the other guests asking if s omething you ate didn't agree with you. The third option takes a strong stomach but can be very unnoticable if the fly is positioned correctly on the face. All you have to do here is make a quick whisk of the tongue and swallow the insect, thereby getting the whole incident over as quickly as possible. Uninformed guests will think that it was a crumb from that delicious devil's food cake served earlier. The fourth and final option should be used only if eve ryone in the room witnessed the event and it can't be handled in a discreet manner. Point to the fly, laugh and remark, "Look at this! I may have started a new fad Organic Face Decoration!" In this way -all those present will be relieved that you are able to see humor in such a drastic event. It may also open up a whole new area of dis cussion at an otherwise dull cocktail party! Review 'Little Darlings by JohnW. Gacy What a disappointment! I heard that "Little Darlings" was about two pubescents trying to lose their virginity. That's great! What pissed me off was that it was about GIRLS. Whippy shit! That's no f un. As many people know (myself very much included) nobody cares about young girls with nothing to give away even if they wanted to. Weirdos! That's who cares about queer things like that! And also old war veterans who walk around drooling all over themselves recalling earlier days of watching those European tarts strutting their stuff in war-torn Europe. See what, war does to people?! Hetereosexuals!! It's sickening. "Little Darlings" should star Leif Garrett and Jimmy McNichol instead of Kristy McNichol and Tatum O'Neal. Then I would have even agreed to be executive consultant. I know how Leif and Jimmy should lose their virginity. Ooooh, all sorts of kinky filings. I'd have to refrain from killing them, of course, because the Hollywood executives wouldn't like losing their big-money stars. But I wouldn't mind. With all those other young obys in the film I should be able to bury a few of them in my basement. I'm only trying to start a Youth Foundation in my neighborhood, for Christ Sakes! Since "Little Darlings" was miscast and I wasn't asked to be part of th e production, I could not watch beyond the first ten minutes. I did find two new young friends in the theater after a long, complete search, though. The film is not worth seeing unless you happen to find some meat to bring home. Otherwise, there are better things to do. Tonight I'm going to dress in my clown costume and go see "La Cage Aux Folles" again. That's always fun, but I'd rather see Leif and Jimmy. IS here ***AAAAAAAAA#WAAAAAA#V jjtJRi i!gi IW 8 PA.B. 1 ctaaomaaoKfi (Parkside Actively Bored) presents FREE ALL THE DRUG & SEX YOU CAN HANDLE FEB. 30, 2001 From 5:00 AM TO 5:01 AM Save This Child From Her Mother This child has been under lock and key in a cabinet under a kitchen sink for two (2) semesters. This federation found her minutes after her escape from her home. You can see here the desperation of her circumstances. For only $5 you can have the assorted diapers, cookie crumbs, and broken battery powered toys and this child. You can make a difference in this child and her mother's life if you can act now! Send your cash or credit card (might be returned) to: SAVE THIS CHILD'S MOTHER FEDERATION c/o Ranger Office The Coffee Shoppe Chronicles STRANGER Burglar hunting becoming big sport by Moore On You've heard of the American Sportsman, the "other" type of athlete who ventures into the wild forest and wooded area. He's the big, strong woodsman, the Hunter. He tracks his prey for sport, the challenge being all important. A new type of hunting that is gaining in popularity offers everything that the woodsman encounters. Its called Burglar Hunting. This new form of hunting in your neighborhood that you are going on vacation for several weeks and they shouldn't tell anyone. This will spread the news of your vacation very quickly. After word is out that you are going on vacation, load up a few things in your car to make it appear as if yo u really are going. Drive your car to a predetermined area out of your neighborhood and park it. Then begin the journey back to your house. Most hunters wait until is as challenging and as rewarding, if not more so to the burglar hunter, then to the common hunter. Burglar hunting in simplistic terms is the trapping and liquidation of burglars. To join in the hunt, all a person needs is a large caliber weapon, a house with some valuable material goods such as a portable television set, a stereo unit, large amounts of money laying around, a microwave oven, and so on. This is where the baiting of the burglar begins. If you live in the city (where most hunts do originate) tell the small children dark for their return because it's harder to be recognized and also they are given the chance to play Mugger Hunting. Mugger Hunting is somewhat of a warm-up to Burglar Hunting. When you have finally found your way home, enter through the rear door. This is obvious, but many beginners make the mistake of entering through the front door. U.R. "Killer" Deade, considered an expert Burglar Hunter explained "It's just like any other sport. When you start out you really don't have any concrete experience. And no matter how many of my books you've read, there is nothing like experience. "Going through the front door is a cardinal sin, but after going on a few hunts, the hunter will develop a second sense about things like that and they will come naturally." Next comes the hard part — the waiting. Here the hunter patiently sits, alone, desolate, hoping for a prey. One day passes, then two and eventually even more. Said "Killer", "This is probably the toughest part of the hunt. You're all by yourself with no one around to talk to. Sometimes beginners take a partner along, but when they eliminate their prey, they don't know how to split the kill and this has ruined many friendships. Another thing about the waiting is that you are in the dark all night and in camouflage all day because the curtains are open and you don't want to be spotted. Most hunts take several days because you have to wait for the mailbox to get full and the papers to lay around. An added touch by some hunters is to have milk delivered to their house while they are away. After these things build up for a few days, the burglars will be attracted. Then the real action begins." While the hunter anxiously awaits, he becomes fidgidty, alarmed at every noise he hears, he sometimes starts to imagine things. You have to remember that for days he has had nothing to live on except for the few rations he has stored away. Finally it happens, there is a break-in. A real scum sucking, commie, pinko burglar is entering into your house. "There is only one way to describe the feeling one has when you hear somebne in the house — it's like having an orgasm," Deade explained. At this point, the hunter has the advantage. He knows the layout of his house, and he has the surprise factor in his favor. "I usually let them have the run of the house for about seven minutes before I put a couple of slugs into them. They are still jumpy for the first five minutes and most of them want out after ten minutes. So I help them out after seven minutes." After the Burglar Hunter has won his prey, they used to bury the body behind the garage. Not any more. "John Wayne Gacy has really made things tough on us Burglar Hunters. We can't use our favorite burial grounds anymore. Used to be we blast them and bury them. Now we blast them and mail them. You wouldn't believe how much it costs to mail a burglar. But a Burglar Hunter is in this for relaxation and enjoyment, not for the money," U.R. concluded. If you want to read U.R.'s two books, Burglar Hunting: The New Sport For The Macho Man or Burglar Hunting: How Not To Get Caught, send $9.95 for one or $18.00 for both to: Joliet Federal Penitentiary Joliet, Illinois 60202 Wealthfully yours Surviving water crash by E. Kennedy With all the emphasis on safety and defensive driving, the Stranger figured that students should know just how they would handle themselves in any situation. This week is the first in a series of articles on specific situations that could happen to you at sometime in your life. I mean,=, things like this happen to everybody. It's not so unusual. It could happen that you'd be driving along after a party and a bridge jumps up and throws your car over. You never know. That's why I've formulated this little quiz for you to take, to see if you could survive a car crash in the water. 1. Would you go to the police right away? Yes, No. If so, you've already flunked. 2. Would you tell them the truth? Yes, No. If yes, don't plan a political career. 3. Can you stutter? Y-y-yyes, No, I never tried. 4. How hung up are you on gravity? I always fall down The local radio station head for a weather steps,— uses my balloon. 5. Do you have a fishing license? Yes, No, 1 don't like the worms. 6. Are you a name dropper? Never, Only when my family name will get me somewhere, Of course, my favorite is BeBe Rebozo. 7. If you found a man lying in the gutter with joints stuck in his ears, three gunshot wounds and two knives in this back, would you consider it Suicide, Homicide, Food for the rats. 8. Do you feel paranoid if someone tries to pick you up at a late-night party? Not at all, I'd take the person for a long quiet drive, I don't know, I can't answer now because someone is watching me. 9. How long can you tread water? A h alf a minute, Three hours, Ten years. 10. Have you ever seen "A Bridge Too Far?" Never, Once, Fifteen times. classifieds 1. All paid classifieds must be initialed by a staff member. 2. All classifieds must include social security number and signature of 3. Limit one free classified per person. advertiser. PERSONALS SINCE THIS is our last Ranger don't look for the form. BABY HEAD loves Mr. Potatoe Head! DAVE McL. — What is a love life? Do you know? DAVE — Rejection hurts. DAVE — I h eard jocks are aggressive — what happened? DAVE — only in your dreams. DAVE —6 inches is average . .. Where does 2 place? Below Average DAVE — When God created horny men he didn't have you in mind! DAVE — I've heard of giving second chances - bot 35? DAN — How do you survive? LORILEE — Happy Birthday! Sam & Lady STEVE, I love wasting time with you! Jan PHIL — see you at your graduation party - signed W & W Club MED TECHS make better lovers. HEY PAB — How about a canoe race! PHIL — We need you. Please come. Debbie at Debbie's Escort Service. THE BRIGHTEST Star always shines in the Darkest places, Today, Tomorrow, and hopefully Forever. MOLDY CHOLITA, Te quieres casar conmigo? Seremos muy felices. El Peruano. HEY BUNS — Never tickle me during the Full Moon - Dimples IEH GUYS — Thanks for a good s semester. Love y'all. miK I PHELTA THI RULES OVER the Animals, especially Erica Jensenica. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Glen J., Jon R. and Mike W. Denise DEAN SIVLEY is a definite 10. DAVE — Nice going at Drake. Remember your promise. Love Jill THANK GOD there are wonderful people to make this better. P.V. 105 kicks ASS, Gallow, O'Connell and Spears promise good parties and a 4th roommate whose cool. 1980-81 school year. U.U.C.S. GOES underground for the summer. Have a good one. U.U.C.S. ANNOUNCES honorary members: Refomatsky, Claisen, Jose, Wittig, KilianiFis- er . . . * PHIL, do it to me one more time. Steve THE BEST of lOP's Chain Gang, Anne Elk, TTF follows . . . JACK DUDLEY, Find your files yet? Glad to be gone TINY BUBBLES, in the wine make me feel happy . . . D.H. JUNG, IT sounds like a personal problem. Loren SIGMUND, IS that a structural problem? Jung THE ROUNDTABLE has latent Cobol tendencies. Sigmund Freud HE WHO laughs last missed the joke. LIFE IS but a dream which merely lags reality. LIFE IS but a dream, SH-BOOM, SH-BOOM BUT I'LL cut your socks till the sock cutter comes. I'M NOT a sock cutter, or the sock cutters son. I'VE GOT an itch. Napolean ONLY THE good die young. B.J. BRONTOSAURUSES ARE thin, then thick, then thin again. Anne Elk SALLY SELLS seashells by the seashore. Ten times fast RANGER, WE put in 76 ads. They better be there! DARN RIGHT they are - it won't be as easy next time. STRANGER IS cumming so should you. I AGREE. ME TOO. WINK MARTINDALE Smile-alike contest. Inquire MOLN 117 anytime. lOP's ROUNDTABLE: WAS fun insulting you. See you next year. lOP's LUSCIOUS PEACHES, juicy plums, tasty nectarines, summer bartlett pears. Refreshing! WENCHES FORGET the Blanstens. Join the lOP's. Chain Gang DOES THIS mean I'm logged off? BLANSRENS CRIPPLE Parkside ants and earthworms for practice. Chain Gang A & W Rootbeer has that frosty mug taste. lOP's THANKS, THANKS. All those who signed ads for us. lOP's NIMRODS who didn't sign ads - repent next year! lOP's MALE CADAVERS are incapable of yielding any testimony. EVERYBODY SHOULD skip Data Structures (ACS 340) on Friday DECWRITER BELL ringing party in Mo 117. Inquire CA 120 E. God. REVOLVING LITHIC conglomerates accumulate no congeries of green bryophiticplant SEIZE CAESAR'S scepter. Comm Arts 120 E. Dan G. LEIH DOWN, Leih down, Leih italldown. Bill M. DID YOU know peoples last names are based variables? Leih KVP IN 1996. KVP in 1996. KVP in 1996. lOP's WAKE FOR Pail 8, Shovel Party. "The End' ROUNDTABLE: ABSOLUTE last chance fall off a cliff. lOP's ANIMALS: LAST chance for Monopoly. Friday at 3. lOP's ANIMALS: LAST chance for ITTSTK game. Friday at 1. lOP's ANTI COBOL Club meeting: every day in CA 120E (ask for Tom). STABBIN' CABIN is cruising for a bruising'. Chain Gang REMEMBER: USE the 'BYE' command to log off your terminal. THERE SURE isa hell of a lot of. lOP's TIC-TAC-DOUGH interviews. Inquire MOLN 117 for details. DID YOU know that Prof. Applebaum's class is cancelled? lOP's FINAL FOR Pat Cheney Art Class. May 16, Moln 117 RUBBER BABY buggy bumper bouncing party. Child Care Center BILL, WHEN can we see each other again? Laura H. WANTED — PEOPLE to extinguish grass fires at Parkside. Physical Plant. FR. SPITZ, alas I miss the poor infidel. ROUNDTABLE CANNOT get bug insurance. lOP's TOM — WE have taken collection we can play with decwriters. TOM: DECWRITERS still aren't toys! Chain Gang RING MY bell! Tom and Uncle Bill ANNE ELK look-alike contest. Test - tube children not allowed. GINGER! CHECK for divide by zero! Chain Gang FETTERED FRIENDS: If you use a zero in the formula referred to, you are 1) not a student, 2) not enrolled as such, and 3) not the purchaser of college - level texts and so do not have any need for the formula referred to. Finally, it takes a zero to recognize a zero. Abstractly, zeroes form the links in your supposed chain, and everyone knows zero multiplied by any given amount still equals the big 0. DEJA VU — I think I've seen this ad before. THE RANGER is already strange. Stranger go home. Chain gang WHAT IS the specific gravity of Isopropyl alcohol Jill? Keith. DEJA VU — I think I've seen this ad before. LARRY: YOU'D better come to RHPS during "The End" D.R.I.P.S BODY. ENGLISH. TEA. TIME. SECOND. BANANA. SPLIT. WOOD. Chain Gang IT'S BOOTLESS to become lachrymose over precipitately decanted lacteal fluid. JILL SLIMMER: Are you high? Jill Slimmer LIFE IS like paper toweling. When it rains you pour. ALL ARTICLE that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. GOLLUM: TRY to kick the Hobbit Gandalf. FOR SALE. Broken Decwriter. Thought it was toy, broke bell. Inquire CA 120E. OWENS: Shit-throwing party today in Moln 117. lOP's LIFE IS but a dream, shaboom, shaboom, splat! Chain Gang SIC EQUALS Stranger is coming. THE STUDENTS for Nuclear Rationality club is now officially formed. All perspective members please contact, Terry Rasmuser, Kelly Starks, or Patty Craig. WE KNOW that the lady of the Lake's name is Grezelda, Excalibur is a potato, the Holy Grail is a dixie cup, the Roundtable is a barrel of muscatel, and Camelot is neighborhood bar. Jabberwocky. and the lOP's. OTHER COBOL Bimbo's: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest you with permanent log trans errors. lOP's SUE STEVENS. What nore can we say? (Lots!) Chain Gang CHAIN GANG: Lots? Better start collecting valid ID's! SO FAR, it's been one big WOW! You know what I mean. TO ALL Ranger Staff: To be sentimental . . . I'm so glad I go t to know you all this year. You are all now included on my list of people who I would like to survive a nuclear holocaust with. G. Helgeson RANGER STAFF . Thanks for a helluva year! The Boss HELP! WHAT did I g e myself into? May 9th boss. WILL THE last person leaving Parkside turn our the lights? Bo Weevil WANTED PEOPLE TO sign Ranger ads for next year. Chain Gang. PEOPLE TO beat Larry at Tic-Tac-Dough. Wink Martindale WORK WANTED: Student needs job for next fall. Contact Sue Stevens in Ranger office (553-2287) if they haven't kicked me out by then. PEOPLE TO congrecate in RJE. Inquire Uncle Bill CA 120. FOR SALE 1972 HONDA, XL125, Enduro - Excellent condition. $450 . 886-9034 (racine area) 1974 MAVERICK 58,00 mi. auto, trans. $495. 634-4188 (after 6) BOY-FRIEND, SLIGHTLY used, never abused, runs good, mint condition-best offer. 551-7589 FOUND 552 ,772? F d3rk P ' aS,iC 9lasses in Molinaro. MISC. TYPING AVAILABLE $1.00 per page. Contact Joan WLLC D195. Ext. 2605 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Stranger, Volume 1, issue 1/2, April 1, 1980 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1980-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPAC124_19800401_stranger.pdf satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/807d36a54bf8316c1d58f7025b6cf76e.pdf dc9233924cc24df10f8fcb9984c315c7 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Monumentto honor PSGA President Bovee Issue volume 21, issue 24 1/2 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document nside... Seven faculty members involved In drug rIng, Paga 5 Stephen King to serve as guest lecturer next semesEditorial ter. Page 7 ... Andy reveals the true evil running rampant over UW-Parl<side. See ft on Page 2 Stolen computer merchandise found in PSGA oftlCO Page 11 VOLUME21 ISSUE 24 1/2 U NIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN - PARKSIDE Monumentto honor PSGA President Bovee Patchey Andrew ber of William "The Regrigerator" . Editor-In-Hiding Perry of the Chicago Bears) . Construction on the o h . piece began several weeks ago . t ermembersofPSGA, following completion of thi~ particularly VIce president Dan year's PSGA I . Blak . e ecuons. e, were mstrumental in plan- "w k th . . nin d . . or on e project IS . g an orgamzmg the construe- coming along nicely - we should uon of the new monument, which have it completed within the next IS to become a permanent part of week,"saidUW-Parksideswdent the university on display with the and project foreman Jeffrey palm trees in the Main Place area. Ruggaber. "We had a little trouble "He's done so much for deciding on what style of font to us, forthe urnversuy, for me - I felt go with, hut other than that, things as though I had to do something to are going smoothly. This is goshow my appreciation for him. This ing to be one hell of a sight, when IS something that I ,know he will it's all finished." remember and cherish for years to The piece, which is excome," stated Blake. pected to measure approximately Bovee, who is now in fifteen feet tall, nine feel wide WashingtonD.C.lobbyingforstu- and six feet deep, is primarily dent gambling rights, was unavail- white with red and blue lettering, able for comment. and serves a utilitarian purposeas In the past year, Bovee well as an aesthetic one. has been instrumental in passing ''Not only will it be a university legislation guaranteeing thing of artistic beauty for the various student rights, including students of the university to look the right to smoke in open-air, 000- atfor years to come. itwill also be populated, non-university areas a great place for 'the Bovmeister' while it is raining, and the right to to store his Twinkies, as well," enter the Wyllie Learning Center staled Ruggaber. from any entrance except any 10- A large ceremony to cated on the D-Ievel or second or commemorate the unveiling of third floors. Continued on Page 2 THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 1993 The final artistic embelI~hmentsandfinishing touches are DOW being made on a large monum,ntLObe unveiled in the Lower Main Place on Thursday, April 15. 11tecreation,in honor of the dedicationand accomplishments of currentand recently re-elected ParksideStudent Government Associationpresident Eric Bovee, comes in the form of a large refriget1lLOrwiihBovee's name, the number 72, and the year em blazoned on it The idea for the form of the monument came as a resultof a recentincident in which a fan of Bovee'ssent "Fridge,' as he is affectionatelyknown to his friends, a brokenrefrigerator with "Bovee 172"written on it in magic marker. Outof his extreme modesty and kindness,Bovee immediately sent iheunitoff to the Salvation Army nbe given to a needy family. Bovee, a junior, played loolball while in high school in Antigo,WI and wore number 72 (whichalso happens to be the numThe nearly-completed monument to PSGA President Eri Bovee, that will be unveiled in a campus-wide celebration on April 15. Studen have been at work constructing the large sculpture for, cveral wee Kaplan to leave UW-Parkside Chancelloraccepts position at renown toon university to do a cartoon "bit" to show that ing to give the illusion of the dog they are capable of being in touch singing it. with their animated students. For Kaplan will be replacher "bit" Kaplan pulled a classic ing Dr. Porky Pig as the chancelcartoon piece of show business out lor, who was forced to step down of her hat, when she took a punch because his stuuering had adfrom a scissor-armed boxing glove vanced into more severe stages, loaded into a sledge hammer. so much so that people speaking Kaplan then pasted black x's over with him had to wear raincoats. here eyes and made her tongue On the lighter side, Cohang out. coa, the aforementioned dog beTo show their apprecia- longing to our beloved ex-Chantion for her knowledge of canoon cellor, lept up on the snack table slapstick, three certoon birds that and devoured cheesecake belongwere sitting on the selection board ing to newly famous cartoon star flew around her head and chirped. Ren of the "Ren and Stimpy As an encore, Kaplan put peanut Show".Renwasheardtoexclaim, buuerontheroofofherdogCocoa's "Cocoa, you bloated sack of promouth and sang "How Dry I Am" toplasm! I will kill you!" in time with the dogs frantic lickStudent apathy drops Hypnotist DeLuca under suspicion that our organizauon ucks, and I '10 the only mcm t, and that our water ski show consists of me runDIng across the lawn wuh my 1$ on trying to gei enough <peed to slide on the water, but this recent influx of members h given me hope. Imean that we may try and iocorporaic a john boa'lDtO the ac' now that wehav SOlo nerodnve .1." The Flying Fo h Aquatic Clown' howhasrarelybecn: n, because II normany tak place during the graduauon ceremony. This my tcnou currenee h been hnked to rm- fa mollS hypnotisl Tom DeLu 'a and PASAd,ctalor hlll y·W cut MurphmeybyUnovcrsltyP l hoiogy professor and pardDOm,al copert ConDIe LlDgu ,"I belie\ tMt Mr. DeLuca placed lbe Un"el'lly ,nlO post-hypnotl ugge 'oon which triggered b the ....a\ y line In '1urphmey' ele lion pholO,"Professor LlD&w remarked that the swdent population ....ould probably snap back 10 rt<UllYooce It sees student Brainl Madsap" bad hallCuL Hal Jalikakik Hal Jalikakik News Butt News Fella In a shocking revelation, a recent university opinion poll revealed that student apathy has dropped to near negligible in the last week. While student tumout at the recent P.S.G.A. elections was well below 10%, clubs in the last week have been reporting record allendance at meetings, and lbe volunteer center has actually has bad to tum away volunteers. "I was shocked!", quipped volunteer center worker Steve Dore. "We normally have to search for volunteers to load into our program. Now we are so loaded down with people that it's shocking." . Dorsal Fin Dave, president of lbe Hying Fish Aquatic Clowns that regularly perform a waler ski show in Guskin Pond remarked,"Say man, I don" know why oh why all these cats want to come ski with us. I mean it's normally so desolate at our meetings that I have to be the President. V ice President, Treasurer and Secretary. Dave said, " I know In a surprise move, ChancellorSheila Kaplan announced at a Il'essconference that she would be taking over as the chancellor of nny Toon University, located in !CeoicHollywood, Ca. The presidentof'Tl'U, Mr. B.Bunny,said at the news conference,"We're delighted to have her 011, doc. It isn't often you meet a womanthat can take a punch like 01' Sheila can," Mr. Bunny was of COarse referring to Kaplan's audiuonpiece. As parl of the screening ~ocesseach applicant was required Buckyball crashes in Main Place - six dead ping loose of its attachments and falling to the tables below. When reached for comment, an indignant vice-chancellor John Stockwell stated, "Hey, I told you so." Befuddled Chern Club advisor Dale Wheeler washed his hands of the whole affair. Continued on Page 2 wounding a dozen more. The model, constructed by the UW -Parkside Chemistry Club in an effort to publicize the newly discovered molecule and to raise the general awareness of the university community in science. hung precariously over Middle Main for several days before slipJoe Kane Feature Writer h Tragedy struck today as 1 e massive model of the ~uckmlnsterfullerene. or bUCkYball," suspended over MiddleMain Place crashed to the Iround, killing six students and I April I, 1993 1 THE STRANGERNEWS,Page 2 Editorial Parkside and its SATANIC core Patchey Andrew Editor-In-Hiding Through the past year here at what has come to be UWDarkside, we have all born witness as demons prancing about under the guise of "liberals," "democrats" and "pro-cnoicers" have spread their evil, leperous ways. We have seen as they wander around, preaching of choice and peace and freedom. We hear them tell their terrible tales of "clothes hanger abortions" and suffering at the hands of the righteous. If they didn't want their troubles, they should have forsaken their evil ways! It is time we all see them for what they truly are: children of SATAN! Mark my words, beloved ones, they are evil incarnate made camate. THEY will corrupt you. THEY will deceive you. THEY will tempt you out of the light and into the darkness of sin and blasphemy. Walk with THEM, and you will soon see a world different than that given us by Christ our saviour. Walk with THEM, and you will soon dishonor your parents, use the Lord's name in vain, even consume alcohol and other demon substances. You will engage in pre-marital sexual acts that will bring shame upon your name for generations. This could actually include intercourse. You may even be tempted into that sin of all sins, HOMOSEXUALITY! Worst of all, think with them and you will soon begin to think yourself! What terror, what evil has befallen us! Trust not their despicable ways. Trust instead in the love and the words of Christ and hisprophets. Use the Bible, the GREAT WAY, as your soul guide - with His words, you need nothing else. There is not even any need to think for yourself - it would only open yourself up to temptation, anyway. Let Christ and your spiritual guides direct your course. Use Christ as your guide and crush the blasphemers! We must come together now and stop this poison at its root! Save yourself while you still have time, children of God, before it is too late. Let the Lord's Book be your sword, let us vanquish the sinners and bend their twisted ways to the straight arrow of righteousness! Ebag's Bag Why I am a Republican Egab Akulk Columnar I am a Republican and darn proud of it. Never mind IranContra, the S&L crises, and twelve years of Civil Rights losses, because we got Rush Limbaugh! You know some stupid people might argue that most Republican's are just mindless sock puppets for rich people but not me! Hell no! 1 am a college student and I can think for my self. Never mind the fact that we like to cut fmancial aid, because no one, especially the underprivileged, deserves to go to school except the rich. Besides that, what is knowledge anyway? It's danger! Let'S go back to the old days. Back when America and apple pie meant something. Miranda rights? Who needs 'em. Robert Bork was right. And how aboutthe Cold War? 01' George Bush missed his shot at becoming a Cold War president, and that's why the economy went sour. There was no ridiculous escalation of weapons, and we couldn't increase the deficit without losing the bundle to Ross the Boss. At least George can claim the victory though. Being a Republican makes me proud. , Proud because I know my party is doing it's best to keep the morals of the country right where they belong. In the hip pocket of Pat Robertson. I mean who else would you have safeguarding our right to blame gays for AIDS, restrict reproductive freedom, and censor books. Maybe John Sununu, but he's got a keen job on CNN. Who else is going to scream that Hillary is running the country but us, the Republicans. You heard us complain about the Rodney King incident, didn't you? I mean we are right there, the voice of Rush Limbaugh, I mean America. We are the party that bought you greats like Lincoln, and Eisenhower. That was a while back, but hey, Spiro Agnew, and Nixon weren't so bad. Neither was Ford. Comm Arts Theatre to double as strip joint Lack of funding necessitates alternate usage Hal Jalikakik Moron A announcement by Keith Hearse, manager of the CommArts theater, has raised a few eyebrows around campus, as well as a few other things. Hearse stated that the recent budget cuts here on campus, "have forced us (the theater dept.) to find a more reliable source of income. We figured that a strip joint would be the best money maker for us." In order to accomodate the new format of the theater, the procescenium will have an extension "built on to the front of the stage, which will serve as a runway for the dancers. The theater will try and bring in big name acts like Tarzana the Can Crusher, whose act features a remarkable act of strength. Hearse said that the format will be topless, primarily because a totally nude format would be a "little tasteless". Buckyball disaster P'FM&'JvCs proudly presents its {atest culinary concoction... ((J)utr age (Q)u sliY §lillJrJP ri sin g Turkey ~ Continued from Page I Grievingparents heldacandlelight vigil Thursday in memory of the slain students and were informed at that time by representatives of the Bursar's office that they would still be responsible for paying the remaining tuition bills in full. One student, Bill Oney, had an outstanding library fine and so library officials blocked his burial until the fine was "taken care of." The Bursar representatives then thanked the parents and wished them a "nice day." In a related incident, Academic Skills "teacher" Phil Abramoff remarked, "I don't care ifthey're dead-they didn' tturn in their homework so I'm not giving them an incomplete." Dr. Ben Greenebaum, Chair of the School of Science and Technology, states that the buckyball was named by "Science" magazine as the "Molecule of the Year" in 199 I.Greenebaum added that the buckyball molecule (discovered in 1985) was only the third basic form of carbon ever uncovered, diamond and graphite being the others. Future uses of the buckyball include "lubricants, catalysts, and medicine." Ironically, one of the wounded students, Phil On£y $15.95 'WIiat a 'Deaf! JI. delicious blend. Of turk.!y, peas, beans, noodles, eggs, spit, fury, fianacuffs, and mace, Y1LJM:l Y1LJM:! 'Buy twe{ve ana receive afree stomach pump! 'What a 6argain! McCrackin, was majoring in Lubricants at the time of the calamitous event. First on the scene to assist the wounded with first aid were the attractive and personable Advising Center kingpin, Joyce Wisch, and Food Service cashier, Millie Vena. Cutting gauze for the bandages, Wisch asked Food Service head Jeff Wade, who was passing by at the time for one of the Coffee Shoppe's plastic knives. Wade responded that "There is a $.05 charge for all plasticware if no food or beverages are purchased." . When questioned for his reaction to the incident, history professor Frank N. Egerton remarked, "What?" Responding quickly, professor Don Kurnrnings, Chair of English and Humanities, stated that, "Here is yet another, uh, reason-sas if.we needed any-for a person to become an, uh, English major." The squinty-eyed prof then added, "I mean, uh-what's the deal?" An unnamed witness to the tragedy was heard to exclaim, "Oh, the humanity!" A support fund for the families of the buckyball victims has been started. Donations should be sent to The Stranger News. The coat check area will be transformed into a bar, where beer will be available for five dollars a can, and soda for three. Admission will be reasonably priced at ten dollars, with a two drink minimum. Dancing should stan April I 5th, in connection with the unveiling ceremony for the Eric Bovee monument. Auditions for dancers will take place April 2nd in the Stranger , office. Bovee Continued from Page 1 the monument has been planned for April IS. Edris Saldona, friend ofBovee and president of the Parkside Activities Board, is currently organizing the event and has reportedl y booked the legendary folk 000 Peter, Paul and Mary to play at the function. A main feature of the celebration will be a 500 foot Rice Krispie Bar that will have "We love you, Eric" written on it in Cool Whip. States university Activities Director Diane Welsh, "We really look forward to it [the event] - it's so rare that we are blessed with someone so gifted and giving as Eric, and even rarer still that we can recognize them in such a public manner. We here in the Student Life Offices are happy to be able to sponsor such a worthwhile and meaningful cause." All students are invited and campus administration is considering whether or not to announce the day a university holiday, which would mean a day off from all classes. A decision should be reached by the middle of next week. When asked for comment on the upcoming unveiling ceremony, university Chancellor Sheila Kaplan replied only, "I'm goin' to Disneyland!" £imitu{ time Only! ~ ...;;----------------------.....,...----------------------- ~ 1, 1993 J;~T~s~e;t ~to~i~n~v~a:d~e~U~n:l~· O=n~S~q~u-a-r-e--~M;=oV=;:ie=s ..=.==~::~T~HES~TR~ANC~ER~NEW~s.~Pag~e3 All time worst movie titles REFRIGERATOR SPACE AVAILABLE Sal Ahmey Feature Editor Original Gangsta/HardRapper Ice·T will perform Co~ hi I terial from is new re ease ~a ." Frida A '1 ''HornelnvaslOnnext n Y. pn 9 'n the UW·Parkside Union ~~are.The show will begin at approximately9:30 p.rn. with an openingset by the Racine-based 10k trio Fruit Salad, and will last :tll inlOthe night as tee-r show- (lSesmaterial from past albums including the platinurn-selting 'Il.G .. Original Gangster" and the recently controversial "Body Count." Opposition to the concert haS been voiced, with University officialsand campus police threat- ~ingto protest the event. Ice-T stirred up centroversylast year with his release of IDe graphic "Cop Killer," a song describingthe mindset of a maniacal character obsessed with killing r· lr I 1 police officers. Since the release of his "Body Count" album, Ice-T's record company ,Warner Bros., has been bombarded with complaints and protests from government officials and police officers all around the country. Continued threats eventually led to the reissue of "Body Count" without'Cop Killer" and, subsequently, Ice-T's defection to a different label. Since the announcement of the concert here at UW·Park· side, officials have received numerous complaints from students and faculty and have done their best to downplay the publicity surrounding the event. Union director Willie Kneebore reacted to threats from local law enforcement unions by commenting, "We at the University of Wisconsin-Parkside are not interested in pleasing the Kenosha Police Department. Our goal is In provide an artistic outlet to the students here." Other problems have arisen concerning security at the concert. Campus police officers have issuedastatement which stales that they will not be providing the secunty measures required to have a legal performance. One officer who wished lOremain anonymous: believes that the show could end in a riot. "That kind of music inspires VIOlence and Ifeel sorry for any students who are dumb enough lO auend. Unfortunately, we won't be on hand to protect anyone." Kneebore, whoreportedIy is a closet rap fan, responded to the Campus Police statement with a call to any soldier-of-fortune types who might want to "make a few bucks in the field." Pay for the onetime event will be negotiated on an individual basis. Concertprornotersexpect a large crowd and ticket sales begin at 9:00 a.rn. this Friday morning. For more information or lOsign up for security call (414) 555·2295. Roger Ramjet Movie Genius 10. Spies,Liesand Naked Thighs; a touching film of romantic intrigue. 9. Cannibal Women in the Ava· cado Jungle of Death; another tear-jerking romance. 8. A Woman, Her Man and Her Futon; what more needs to be said? 7. Chopper Chicks in Zornbietown: a true cinematographic masterpiece. 6. Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh; vampires, Franco Harris . what more could a guy ask for'? 5. Killer Tomatoes Eat France; gorgeous Parisien tomatoes! 4. TieMeUp!TieMeDown!;a psychological mind-bender. 3. Invasion of the Space Preachers; I think this one's hit UW· Parkside. 2. Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies; strange, but aspects of this one looked a lot like several of my geology professors. 1. Fearless Vampire Killers or Pardon Me But Your Teeth are in My Neck; as mom kept saying, always be polite! SIZZLERS TANNING We have the latest in tanning beds. lay down stand up and even a sit down models. These beds are the newest in the business. We guarantee in only one visit you will : have the best crows feet have at least a good start of Melanoma and have that corn husk like skin all in only 5 minutes! Yes that is only 5 minutes!! Call CRI.srv I Iam currentlysellingspacein my newly acquiredFRIDGE. AlthoughI'm sureit will be full by next week,rightnow YOU canput yourlunch itemsin my FRIDGE. MAKE YOUR LUNCH A PART OF mSTORY My newnumberis lBI-GBOY University of Wisconsin-Parkside The Stranger News "as if life isn't weird enough" not really a member of anything, least of all The Associated Collegiate Press 900 Wood Road Box 2000, Kenosha, WI 53141·2000 Editorial (414)555·2287 Business (414)555·2295 ID , Isclaimer: The Stranger News is a once· yearly, April 1 publica· tion presented by members of The Ranger News. Any and all information presented in The Stranger Newsis meant completely in jest: i.e., there. is little Orno factual basis for any of the stories publIshed m Ihis issue, and any and all names and characters Of all the different aspects of a fum the most underrated is the title. The title is the first thing noticed when looking at a movie in the video SLOreand it could become a big influence when choosing whether lO watch Lunatics: A Love Story or The Linguini Incident. Overthe years their have been some classic movie titles such as Bambi vs. Godzilla, Everything You Always Wanted lO know About Sex ... but Were Afraid lO Ask and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. But some of the best movie titles can be found just by searching the horror section of your local video department. And if you are lucky you may come across some absolute gem of a title like Blood Sucker from Outer Space and The Beautiful Blond From the Bashful Bend. These are actual movies that I have even seen rented on occasion. So in the spirit of movie titles everywhere here is my salute to the top ten bad movie titles of all time: The Stranger News Roll Call Editor.ln.Hiding patchy Andrew ~~~~c;;-;;;;;:::::::::::::: ...:': ..:': ::::::::::::::::::::::::~~a~i:~ Assislant Snooze Editor Some putz who never finished his tory C EdilO Sal Ahmey feature r.................... .' . Edi Roger Ramjet, MOVIe Genius The other Creature tor........ r Portz EditOr .......... :...... ·.......... ·..·· ·r;;~:;·h;;~~·~~~~~~~~i~C~ Assistant Portz Editor............................ . Ed ' Ciarise er Carlisle, er, Clorox, er, Carhse cwman Copy uors.i..«. " G be Ka I Kluka and a pan, er. . They didn't wanllO have anything lOdo With this AdvISors :.... Th didn't either Executive Committee · ·..· .e~ed . th' The coolest people in the world Everyone we piC on m IS issue who is not now gomg to ue us or wrile nasty. mean hate letters lO us about this, whom w~ thank. mentioned, while they may be in many ways similar to real persons, are fictional. If you happen to be one of the people that are similar to one or more of the characters contained within this issue, we sincerely hope .that you regard this issue with the light·hearted manner m which it was created. Thank you, and enJoy. - THE STRANGERNEWS, Page 4 April I, 1993 Softball player born with no eyespaints them on to appear normal _ DeNiro, Farley hide out in UW-Parkside sports program "Are you talking [0 me?", and we left. SNL regular Chris Farley has snuck onto the Ranger baseball team with the help of ASSistant Coach Burb Hurl. Coach Hurl said ,"Hey, most of these guys on the Jock McGoon Strap pin' Sports Stud eyes she was born with rounded radar receptors, which give the her the capability of fanning three dimensional pictures of objects in her head. She went on to say that she paints.eyes on her head just to give the il1usion of being normal. Members of the softball team are pitching in to buy ber blinky doll's eyes, which she can glue on. A memberofthe softba\l team, Shirley Szymczykowzashazamski, said that while Vacuseal"wil1 have to lean her head back lO appear like she is blinking, she will at least not have the horrible inconvenience of her eyes running off of her head while she is in the shower." Coach Achyheel added that the blinky doll's eyes will be a "really cool way to psych OUl opposing pitch-. ers." After school, Vacuseal plans to work at the Weather Channel as the first live radar. Savoir Faire Smoolhie Movie star RoberLDeNlro and Saturday Night Live star Chris Farley have been discovered playing sports at UW -Parkside recently. In a story that could be straight from the pages of the National Enquirer, with the difference being truth, a UW-Parkside softball player with no eyes uses a batlike radar to "see". The player, Raquel Vacuseal, admitted to Coach Toey Achyheel that she did indeed have no eyes, when he asked her last week why she didn't blink. Vacuseal told the Stranger sperts that she has an uncanny radar much like thatof a bat. This of course explains her stellar baseball playing abilities. Vacuseal said that instead of When we at the 01' sports department asked 'em why, they were more than happy to answer. Mr. DeNiro was busy tying it up on the wrestling mats when we caught up with him. The traditionally shy DeNiro was more than happy to chat with us, because we're swell guys down here in sports. DeNlro, a method actor, says that he is busy doing some work in preparation for his upcoming film on the WWF entitled Wrestling Bull. "I wanted to get away from the pressure of Hol1 ywood and New York, and I figured Parkside was the most obscure place I could find. Besides that, Coach Koch is a good fella.' When we asked Mr. DeNiro for his autograph he simply said, team are practically blind so they would not know a big star if one bit them." Unfortunately, Head Coach I Perrier says Farley has been doing just that, except with umpires. "Oh that Farley, he is a vicious bastard. The sonofabitch tookachompouta l an urnp last week for making a crappy call. He wasn't thrown out because the ump knew who he was, andwas shocked by his star power." Farley would not talk lo the Ranger sports staff unless we gave him some money. so we said, "Screw it", and 1 decided to make up some bad stuff about him. Both stars will be here thru the end of the semester. • c Peter 's:Flame Where all the really swinging cats go Thursday Night Specials: • All the Passion Juice you can drink for $2 • Live music from the Village People, • Free "dance lessons" from Disco Don Simply marvelous predicted to 0 snatch the total package • Timbo Ratkiss Sports God and Poet Khampane's thunderous spikes, Simply Marvelous is a shoe in to win the tournament. Pete is quoted as saying "Bring on Six Pack. We ain't scared of their { shit. Brian Gianetto sucksand Tim Radke is worse. Bring I that shit to us." Simply Marvelous is 1-3 overall. Located on the corner of 35th st. & Roosevelt ave. Kenowhere, Wi. Pete Khampane's "Simply Marvelous" is on a hot streak, winning their last 1 games in arow! Simply Marvelous is, therefore, picked to win the Intramural volley ball championship next week. Led by captain Pete -Rear entrance available JOE'S BAR COME AND DRINK TILL YOU SPEW Why waste your time doing term papers and reports when you have more important things to do? NO DRINK SPECIALS NO BANDS AND SOMETIMES NO BARTENDERS Call I-800-plagiarize - today! I~I~ JUST COME IN AND BLOW YOUR WHOLE CHECK Over thousands of topics to chose from! Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Stranger News, Volume 21, issue 24 1/2, April 1, 1993 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1993-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/0000c58b120717e4fa7aaf5a0fcfe0b0.pdf 93c3c845fa161d829907dad510984bba Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. MissTeen All American: Parkside genealogist bares family secret Issue volume 69, issue 69 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document Aunt Jemima and Ewing tried to hide the truth ss I.:l N I M E ~ Sit '!(. 0 E W I S CON SIN - PAR K SID E THE GNt VOLUME 69 • ISSUE 69 • APRIL I, 1996 MissTeen All American: Parkside genealogist bares fa~ily secret • Pat McGroin Tacky Terror adopted. I've lived a life of lies!" Quesada was raised by Jemima's nephew, 0, the actor formerly known as Buckwheat. 0, whose portrayal of an African-American in Our Gang, commonly known as the Little Rascals, was glad to let go of the past. "Otay! Now I can live honestly and forthrightly." Quesada was surprised but hopes to reunite with her biological father and build a relationship with him. "ldon't know how he will take the news but I hope he will at least meet me," said Quesada. Ewing, when contacted about the news, was shocked. ''Well, I'll be a dirty oil magnate," was his only response. Pedro hopes to continue her research and unite other families, "It is my hope that others will find their true identitv and look into the window of their past to piece together their future." Ewing responded, "That's a load of hooey. Get a life." Whengenealogists gathered for a workshopat Parkside they had no ideawhat they would uncover. The truth was learned when Helen Pedro,head archivist for UWP, beganto trace Miss Teen, Melissa Quesadaas an example in her lecture on "Piecing the Past." Pedro foundthat Quesada was actually the illegitimate daughter of syrup guru Aunt Jemima, and oil magnate J.R. Ewing. Ewingreportedly met Jemima duringher much-publicized divorce fromUncle Ben. Always known for hersweet disposition, Jemima was completelytaken in by that vermin. "Hesaid he'd take care of me, II saidJemima. "He said he'd never leave.But as soon as Kristin and SueEllen beckoned, he dropped me likea dirty ." Whencontacted by a cheery Stranger reporter with her family secret,Quesada was shocked, " I alwaysfelt that there was somethingmy parents weren't tellingme but I never expectedto hear I was f(J said, "Ot , aYe Some days are just REALLY bad hair days." ESTABLISHED 1969 Miss Teen America Man Sued for Vomiting Over Upper Main Place Railing •Passionflower Lovachild Resident Babe On Monday, March 18, at approximately 11:55 a.m., a visitor to the university ran to the railing of the Upper Main Place balcony and proceeded to vomit several times onto • the people seated below. The man, Erich Emile, had been using the Parkside Library when he suddenly felt ill. "I'm not a Parkside student. I go to [UW] Platteville. I knew I was going to be sick, but didn't blow where a bathroom was. I made it as far as the balcony railing when I lost control," said Emile. Several of the people seated in Lower Main Place at the time of the incident also became ill. "I was trying to eat my lunch from the Coffee Shoppe, when all of a sudden, my sloppy joe special got... sloppier," said Jill Hertzberg, a senior Molecular Biology student who was seated directly below Emile when he began vomiting. "So I look up, and there's this guy hurling over the railing. Then this girl next to me notices what's going on, and she starts puking too. Before I know it, there's half-adozen people blowing chunks all over the place. It was really disgusting." Chancellor Eleanor Smith was present in Lower Main Place at the time of the incident. Smith said, "It was quite appalling, really. I began to feel ill myself." Smith did, in fact, begin vomiting shortly after surveying the scene. Chris Sandstrom, a Ranger News editor, witnessed the events from the Ranger office window. Sandstrom said, "The second time he ralphed, he hit one of the lunch ladies. It was pretty funny." Kris Schlevensky, a senior majoring in Biology with a Pre-Health concentration, said, "I felt so unprepared. I left my body substances collection kit in the car. I could have helped those poor, sick people, '. but I just couldn't touch any of that without my gloves. Biohazardous waste is a big problem if you aren't properly protected." Jason Weniger, PSGA Vice President, was so disturbed by what he witnessed that he filed suit Vomit on p. 2 New Member added to Music Faculty Rock Band oHard Nipps Pectoral Editor This week Ralph Lorenz was accepted into the renowned Music Faculty. band, Cherry Orchards. Cherry Orchards is an established glam rock band known for playing covers of such famous bands as Poison, Warrant, Bon Jovi, Blu Steel, or any other hairspray-lipstick wearin' band. Lorenz came here from Los Angles where he ripped up the local bars with his flashy style of piano playing. "When we heard this guy rock, we had to grab him up, brother," said lead singer Jimmy Boy McKeever. Other member ofthe band include: James' McKeever, Tim Bell, Frank Mueller, and James Budget Cuts Enacted oErin Melissa Cappel Staff Writer Just today, Chancellor I. Emma Miser annOl!nced what she ~ called,"Necessary and long overdue budget cuts" at the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, The cuts affect just about every student at the university. Chancellor Miser, a former chairperson of a Senate committee on reducing federal spending, expounded upon specifics of the newly approved cuts. "These newly approved, minor cutbacks in services" will not actually lower the tuition costs by any great amount, but they will give the students a lot more of the free time they always complain about not having. The 85% reduction in staffing will mean lower credit requirements for graduation, and get students out the door a lot faster. I have not tried to single out a certain population segment of the school, but have tried to make unbiased decisions," said Miser. And "Housing seemed to be an area where we were losing money, so from now on, instead of eight students per apartment, the facilities will be shared by 24 students. This will open up more housing on campus, as well as lower the heating bills in the winter. The Food Service will run only once a day from 7 a.m. until 7:10 a.m., and will serve only doughnuts and Snapple. It is our continuous effort to try and provide a healthy meal for our students at a competitive price. Prices for food will only increase by 100% annually for the next twenty years. This is to keep up with the rapid-rate of inflation," said Miser. "Computers on campus will be Cherry Orchards Kinchen. When asked why groupies. they play music that died in Margaret Bedard, the pop scene in the late groupie, said this about the 80's Bell replied, "The band, "I just have to dance chicks like it." when I hear their version of ''You need to know where 'Talk Dirty to Me." music came from in order to "It's good to see that know where it is going," bands aren't scared to be replied Mueller. pretty boyz any more," said Cherry Orchards plays all Jeff Bromstad, presideht of around the Kenosha area, the fan club. with a large following of Letter to the Editor Dear Editor, I opened up the last week's Ranger News and was quite chagrined. Where was Brian Matsen's My Christian Perspective? I looked front to back, inside and out, but it was nowhere to be found! "I don't really care," said a woman. Another woman sai<.i,It's rude ...it's inconsiderate." An albino gentleman said, "It doesn't bother me." Then all of a sudden, a polka-dot person said, "That's horrible, he will be missed greatly!" Then the geese outside screamed, "We want Brian Matsen's Christian Perspective!" When I finally realized there was no My Christian Perspective, my stomach dropped, and so did my friends' stomachs around me. I found Matsen's columns highly intelligent and so meaningful. So what if they lack thought and are always weakly supported? He convinced me that condoms are so faulty that I've become celibate. His article on evolution led me to protest and Vomit from p. 1 drop my BIO 101 class. Matsen's My Christian Perspective should be printed weekly in the Ranger, and his articles should be read by everyone. Like eating Quaker Oatmeal, it's the right thing to do. Matsen's disciple forever, Judas Allah Editor's response: It is not your imagination. Matsen has not written a column for a couple of w,eeks. Stirring up controversy is a difficult job, and Matsen has surely earned a rest. I sense some sarcasm in your letter about Brian Matsen. If the columns are highly intelligent, as you say, then they would contain thought, at least in some rudimentary form. In conclusion, I don't think it is wise to pattern your life after only one of our multitude of Ranger columnists. Besides, G.J. is much cooler than Brian. Jim Hendrickson , consolidated into one convenien\ area for students down in the Stranger office. Additional com, puters that do not fit into the I new lab will be auctioned off atl a later date for a mere 25% over what our cost was; that is, if any of them work. E-mail accounts will also be terminat- I ed, and replaced with a new postal system where each student receives one envelope to send their best friend a letter. Also, the campus bookstore will be run by the University and will no longer buy back used books. New books will be needed every semester for every class. The previous bookstore's I policy of marking up books by 700% will remain intact. The hardest decision I had to face in the process was eliminaV ing the three sized garbage cam we have on campus and replacing them with cheaper, used 1 nuclear waste bins purchased from Russia. I really loved tho") garbage cans!," said Miser. Miser then said, "It is my hope that the students support me in my decisions that will help hurl the University for- I ward into the next century with our undying commitment to excellence." Some of the budget buts include: oParking permits will no longer be required. New meters will bel installed in each parking spot and will have a one-hour limit. oCampus security will be replaced with video cameras strategically placed in the library, where most problems occur. oA smoking permit must be obtained to smoke anywhere I outside the buildings on campus' grounds. ( oCourse schedules will no longer be given out. It is up to ] the student to guess as to when they think the class will be offered. That way, students WillI increase their psychic powers while still pretending to learn. New Emperor Declared -Buster Hymen Staff Stud On March 26 a new emperor of everything was declared. Chris Sandstrom, former Layout Editor of The Ranger News and music major, was declared Supreme Emperor of Wisconsin. The majority ofthe population immediately bowed to his commands. His Supreme Greatness was quoted as saying, "The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers!" His Lordship's first command was to make the infamous Parkside Geese his advisory board. Tim Bell, Professor of Jazz Studies, was quoted as saying that, " He sucks!" His Most Excellent Leadershipness had Bell immediately beheaded. Sandstrom decreed that Wisconsin's new name will be Christonia, and Chrisville, formally Kenosha, will be the new capital city. A fifty-foot wall will be built fortifying Chrisville. The University of Wisconsin-Parks ide will be turned into His Coolness' Imperial Palace until a proper Palace can be built. "I felt honored to donate the facility for His Superness's personal use," cowered Chancellor Eleanor Smith. "He will need a place to kick back." Students will be sent to reeducation Chris Sandstrom camps in Caledonia and Sturtevant to learn the wonderful values ofthe new Emperor. Sandstrom had the new Schimmel grand piano moved to his new quarters in the Ivory Tower, "I'll need something to do," said His Dudeness. Sandstrom will be meeting with his advisory board to discuss conquering Illinois. "My highly trained force of deer hunters with high powered rifles will give those FIBs a grand whoopin"" said der Fuhrer. Team kicked out of NCAA - Sue Purfreek Resident Fawner Parkside was no. 1 in the nation with a 25-1 record at the time ofthe expulsion. In fact, the team's only loss came in a game against the Milwaukee Brewers. And even that game was close. Wendy Wolfftook a nohitter into the 8th inning, before Kevin Seitzer slammed a home-run out of Pets Park for a 1-0 victory. "His bat was corked," Wolff said after the game. Brewer Manager Phil Gamer commented, "She (Wolff)could definitely play in the majors. What year is she?" Ranger players were outraged at the expulsion. "Dam, now I'll have to eat brunch on the weekend," said Freshman Kris VanLangevelde. "They'll make me go to class now," said Billi Kapla. Parkside has appealed sever- .al times to the NCAA for reinstatement, but the NCAA has refused to let them play again unless they use wiffle ball bats at the plate. Acheson is currently considering that option. An outraged Tory Acheson slammed his favorite softball bat through the window when he heard the news. The softball coach then raised the baskets in the gym and threatened never to lower them again until his team was reinstated. On Tuesday morning, the Rangers were kicked out of NCAA II softball competition. The NCAA stated that Parkside was simply too good and that the teams weren't fair. The news came in the wake of the team's 72-0 drubbing of the University of KFC. The game was called in the 5th inning because of darkness, even though the contest started at 11 a.m. Thirty-seven balls were hit out of Pets Park by Parkside and were never recovered. Acheson hinted that his team may have received the boot because they used almost half of the NCAA's entire budget buying new softballs for each game. Stranger News Still Searching for Editorin-Chef -Julia Shy Chile Food Editor Cuisiners are cooking up good stuff in the Stranger office these days in preparation for an April 19 interview for Editor-in-Chef of Parkside's newspaper. "I just don't know. One day they ask me to Chile and then they turn their mind to roast beef," said Jean-Pierre Valjean. Valjean flew in from Strasbourg, France and is staying somewhere in Parkside's housing. "I do not understand these Americans," said Valjean. "We're looking for an individual to spice up the campus every Thursday," said James Hendrix, Stranger Editor-inChef. Applicants for Editor-inChef must submit a resume, three meal samples and three recipes. . "It really stunk around here all this year and the last," said Stranger Haggling Editor Carrie Deal. "Students were so disappointed in the finished product. It always smelled fishy." "I just want green card," said, Yoshiko Saito from Japan. Tokyo University is sponsoring Saito's trip to Wisconsin. Perhaps the most interesting candidate is Santiago Sandwich, who is famous throughout Mexico for his sandwich art. "He's taken over my office," cried Crispy Ginny, Stranger Photo Editor. "There's alfalfa all over the walls and the tripods are dripping with mayo." With the new Stranger budget for 1995-1996, the Editor-in-Chef's office'will be equipped with a wok, deep fryer, and stainless steel cutlery. Personals Men Seeking Women Recently Divorced male seeking younger high school girlto share life's , experiences and whip him with wet > noodles. 2229 Co-dependent male seeking codependent female to feed off of each other's misery. 1635 Editor-in-Chief of Stranger Gnews seeking nice woman to be that happy go lucky couple that makes everyone else sick. 2295 Women Seeking Men Stranger Contest Overweight Hobag looking for alcoholic to administer weekly beatings. 3284 Tall and Skinny looking for man to be nice and scare me away. 0903 We at the Stranger Gnews have intended to offend you. Please don't whine to us, we don't care. . For sale 1978 Gremlin. 78K miles, each panel is a different color. Mint condition. 1.1 millionbucks. Deadliest Virus Known to Man Tracked to a Parkside Student • Maria Smith Staff Writer Right now as you are reading this article there are undercover, plainclothed agents from the Center for Disease Control (CDC),the United States Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases (USAMRIID) and the World Health Organization (WHO) here on campus looking for the carrier of the world's most deadly virus, the Ebola-Zaire virus!'!' A couple of days ago I stumbled onto this information while waiting to see one of the school's officials on some not-so-pressing business. It was late in the day, most of the student population had gone home ....I stuck around to get a couple of quotes from the administrators for an upcoming article on the school's next budget proposals. I was horrified when I overheard this highly sensitive information. In the office ofthe Chancellor were five men representing the USAMRIID and two women and two men representing the CDC and the WHO, respectively. I couldn't believe what I was hearing .....this couldn't be happening in our little school. I know this information is confidential and I'll probably be suspended from this campus indefinitely for exposing what I've learned but lives are at stake here yours and mine. Hell, I can even be arrested by the U. S. government for breaching this information. By the time this story goes to print I will have left campus myself, as I am in fear of the deadly virus which has infiltrated our school. Listen carefully as I tell you what I overheard. Apparently, we recently received an international student who transferred to us from South America. This student just happened to work as an animal-attendant at a "monkey house" down in Brazil. This monkey house is a r---==~---------------------------- trade location for exotic monkeys from all over the world, including the rain forests of Africa, Monkeys are caught and sold to laboratories worldwide, where they undergo testing that ranges from the testing of new products entering into the market to the testing of a monkey's resistance to human illnesses. One out of every ten monkeys is said to be a carrier of some biological agent harmful to other animals. One out of every twenty-thousand is said to be the carrier of a filovirus name Ebola-the deadliest virus known to humankind. The government officials told the Chancellor the student who was working in the monkey house was infected but doesn't appear to be ill yet. The virus can take up to two weeks to present itself, but ... Attention Students! As part of the federally funded *ICE program you might be eligible for a savings in tuition of up to $580.00 • Do you earn less than $10,000 a year? • Is your GPA 2.0 or above? • Are you a full time student? (12 credits or more per semester) If you answered yes to these questions then please call Mary Tremmel at the Grants Office for more info at 595-2006. 'Incentives for Continuing Education Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Stranger Gnews, Volume 69, issue 69, April 01, 1996 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Type The nature or genre of the resource Text satire https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/75cb65bf93196f2e7a400df1458806c3.pdf 29cdc6b9622d7f519039f5b40da536c0 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Indoor smoking rooms available for Fall '03 Issue Volume 33, issue 11 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document 1 TheIssue IIVol. 33The University of Wisconsin-DarksiJe's StuJent NewspaperHenry GaskinsReporterStudent health atuw-Parkside will never be the sameafter the Student Quality of LifeCouncil (SQLC) announcedMarch 19,2003,the creation ofindoor smoking rooms, whichwill be ready at the beginningof the Fall semester,2003.The rooms will be well ven-tilated, according to SQLC,sothat non-smokers won't have toworry about second-handsmoke.More than' 12 smoking• rooms will be located through-out campus, in places like theWomyn's Center and the Den.There will also be three smok-ing rooms in the SportsActivityCenter.SQLC spokesperson AllieSealssaid that the rooms werecreated because many studentsIndoor smoking rooms available for Fall '03-:Cops on bikesAmber SmithEditor-In-ChiefDue to budget cuts at thestate level UW-Parkside's policesquad has been forced out oftheir squad cars and onto bicy-cles.Campus residents fear thatthe level of protection offeredon university grounds willdecrease significantly.Annabelle Johnson a straightedge student of UWP was con-cerned about the time it wouldtake police to reach the univer-sity apartments and break upparties." When I call to tell thecops about a party I expect thatthey are going to get there fastenough that party goers will notbe able to dispose of their alco-hol. On bikes it's going to takethem twice as long. That's a lotof time for students to slamtheir beer bongs and get rid ofApril 1-17,2003smoke, and a lot of them com-plain about the coldness of win-tertime.The cost of each smokingroom is $2000, and $750 permonth to upkeep them. Fundscome out of every student's seg-regated fees,and it is a primaryreason why tuition prices arebeing increased by more than15percent.the evidence."Dexter Yarbrough, Directorof University Police·and Safety,stated that"Yes,it might take usa few more minutes to respondto calls but this campus issmall in size and I am confi-dent that my staff will be ableto arrive at any scene in an'appropriate time frame, for abicyclist that is."UWP police officersseem to haveother concerns inmind including rainy days andwinter snow. Officer PonchoSmith said, "Wisconsin isplagued with deep snow andheavy spring rainsdbthey real-ly expect us to be peddlingaround when the ground is icecovered? I think that the policedepartment will lose a goodportion of its respect if weshow up at incidents soppingwet with our hair stuck to ourfaces."Yarbrough stated," We areappealing the budget cut.While I don't believe that ourcampus will suffer too much Ifeel it would be an unfair bur-den to our officers to exert somuch energy atwork."The outcome of the appealshould be public knowledge byJuly 27,2003. Campus TremorsKimberlee MyerReporterUW-P~rksideGeology professors haverecently reported thatthe tremors felt on cam-pus are due to a 50-pound goose. At anunusually large size, thegoose has been causingquite a stir in conversa-tion among studentsand faculty. Some saythey would like thegoose for Easter dinner-Home Economics stu-dents would like to pre-pare it for the hungry. One stu-dent stated "Boy, that goosecould feed a lot of people ...itmay be causing a lot of prob-lems now but in the end itcould feed a lot of hungrypeo-ple" But to catch a bird thatadds so much character to ourcampus would be detrimentaltoMI".Big"caught on camerato our image.The goose, howev-er, is highly temperamental; ithas been spotted wanderingthe campus grounds, hissing atthose passing by.Its short tem-per could possibly be related tothe large nest it built near hole17of the disk golf course.Unfortunately, the' gooseJoin The Ranger NewsErica GavinsEveryone is wanted, welcome and needed.Stop by The Ranger News office wyllie D139-Cor call 595-2287Jason PinkowskiDanielle SmirhKatie PruessingRangerHallTodd DrangstveitRoxanne MendezAndrea RenwickVikrampal SidhuRedelia SouterEvander Wilson11Open PositionsBeware ofMr. Bigdubbed as"Mr.Big"chaseddown one player" and atehis disc golf disc. Jon Doewas quoted as saying,"Dude, that disk cost me$8.00...there is no way Iam trying to get it back!"Furthermore, local author-ities have informed usthat several small dogs havebeen reported missing in thepast few weeks. "Mr.Big"mayhave accomplices who mightbe on a canine binge. Theauthorities further adviseAnyone can join at any timeeveryone to be aware of thisL--=-'--=--'goose and "steer clear of itspath:'Assistant EditorPage EditorsReportersSports WritersCartoonistsOpinion WritersDistriblltionlIMm~oYewcf~~fo~2003-2004·~ e>?nWa:l.1adoufi~2003-2004ConnieChiavercttiJessica Dial.YocelineEspinoza de VargasAndrea HigginsKayya ProkopSkyla RoperBrook StricklandFahimZiyad.9~.9TeabkCduadoufi~2003-2004· Katie Pruessing(Co-capr.)Bridgette Dei(Co-capt.) .Nina BrownBrook StricklandJessicaDuBoisRebecca WanagasStormie MitchellLena WilliamsConnieChiaverotti· Andrea RenwickAndrea HigginsJason WatersKayya ProkopChristine FerrerMyronUbI'Donna Minkley*Chamika Ellis. TarahTumerBrandon Hutchins, "ReturningOrientation leadersSponsoredbyStudent Life.9kJUkme>?dvuoufi~2003-2004Universiry ApartmentsJessica DiazDannie MooreMerranda HoustonKevin PowellBrandon hutchinsAmanda MorrisGustavo SalazarjeanniSimpsonJulian ThomasDeAira KennemerNicole PowersChris SemenasMichelle SimsMyronUbI!7kJUkm.9T~~ubnaroufi~2003-04Universiry Apartments:Andrea HigginsRangerHall:Alicia PiotrowskiRHAC:Denise Bonnett•. - This advertisement is not paid for with state appropriated fimds. g~~~esiege calm campus of UW.pflew from building top to build-ing top. Many others wereforced to walk on the grass toprevent the malicious hissing.A professor that asked toremain anonymous was morerecently forced to walkthrough the mud. Prof. JimmyMackleRoy said:"l had no otherchoice! They surrounded meand no matter how much Icried, they kept pushing meinto the mud! My wife's goingtokillme!"The decision to find outwhat was really happeningoccurred just before school letout. In his undergroundbunker, Chancellor Keatingbriefed his most trustworthyspy. Everyone thought thatStephanie Sirovatka-Marshallwas going on maternity leave.But this super woman that con-trols Student Life, StudentActivities, SOC and knows allthe budgets on campus is actu-ally Parkside's dark-sided spy.When she was asked howshe was able to infiltrate this~rterThe geese are readyingthemselves for attack. It mayseem absurd but there hasbeen too many "accidents" forChancellor Keating to ignore.April15 2002,was the firsttime knowledge came in aboutthe geese and their motives.Four students went for a strollthrough the woods. Only oneescaped to tell her horrificstory. KC Touse stated, "Theycame out of no where. Weheard them far off, but nothingcould have prepared us for theattack."KChad fallen behind to tieher shoe. When she looked upher friends lay in pieces as tengeese swarmed them. Luckyfor her, she was able to hide.But unluckily, she is foreverplagued by the gruesomeattack she was forced to watchin silence.Through out the year, attackscontinued. Several studentsfound themselves beingwatched by the geese as theyhostile regime, she hissed andstarted jabbing at me with hernose. Despite the tact that shehas retained some of the char-acteristics of this dominatingmilitia,she was able to stop theSBA(Spring Break Assault), butin the process blow her cover.She is currently ordered tokeep herself immersed insidethe campus walls.A recent video was sent toThe Stranger with OsmammaGoossein, the leader of thegeese. Inthe video he asked foronly one thing,"Wewill stop atnothing until we get yourschool's psychic, MadameEsmeCerridgynereDragonfhenersige. Her abilitieswill be ours."The Ranger,the sister news-paper to our The Stranger, hasrefused to give her up stating,"She is not even accurate! Thismust be some sort of trick toenter the campus and herunderground bunker, Which sohappens to be attached to theChancellor's:'Students are asked to videoi""7~~:l.lNatlon,,1Sturtr-ntCln'(llt<jn /l.g1n~!':'::~;" Hunger and HomelessnessThe19thannualHunger Cleanup!(Parkside's5'"Annual)Saturday April 5thtape/tape record any hissing,quacking, flapping or strategicplacing of the geese in orderfor the German, French,Russian,Spanish,and other var-ious international clubs todecode the messages. Thegeese are planting bombs thatcover the campus sidewalks,but the ground crews will bemaking their rounds to disarmthem with their newly pur-chased Super-Soakerhoses.'!'he Universityof WisconsinParksidecampus ison high alert.Thestudents,facultyand staffareasked to stay indoors despite thespring weather. Exitat your ownrisk. There is a scholarshipaward for anyone that is able tocatch, alive or dead, the50pound goose that is most surelythe geese's secret weapon.lassified FormRanger NewsName:...,....- _($O.25/wordfor students)Phone:_Tlle Annual Hunger Oeanup Is a national,one-daycommunity service work-a-thonlnw~ichstudentvolunteers raise money while wot1o::lngwith programs for the hungry and homeless. Similar to a walk-a-thoo the Oeanup mobHlzes thousands of students across the country who gather hourly pledgesITom~mllYand friendsfortheir volunteer work in local shelters and soup kitchens.Email:,__ ~_The funds you collect support:_(500/0)LocalAgencies andorcs.You choose the local organlzatlon(s)_(35%) National Student Campaign AgaInst Hunger and Homelessness._(15%). International Projects.SChedule:7:30M9:00 Meet at union Square(Check In,sireassignments, Breakfast)9:00 am Kick off(team photos, depart for worksltes)10:00 am-1:00 pm(Active at worksites)1:00 pm return to Campus for LunchAdas you would like to see it:IntereHed. sjgn up oraetmoreInfo.Bycontacting:. CttalTania Molina 595*3188 (latinagirI7702@yahoQ,com)Recruiting Committeeatr -OrrdltCasey Jones 595*2011 (casey.jQnes@uwp.edu)Volunteer Coonaor -OrStop by our table on the Union Brldgel~~~i?E,~{This form can be dropped at The Ranger News located inlower Wyllie Hall D 139C across form the Bookstore andCareer Center.For more information, call (262) 595-2287Payment must be made in full when ad is dropped off. ----_ .......-....=..-:;;-;;-=--..-;;;;;;;.- ...........========= ...._;;;;;;....-=-~~-----------.--The Ranger NewsPage 8,April1-17,2003...Ice tocool, thestage at UW-ParksideDisclaimerAmberSmythEditor in ChefAll items foundin the Strangerare fictionalexcept for theadvertisements.The advertiserswould like youto know the adsare for real.Have a goodday!would also be encouraged toattend. PAB feels it might beadvisable to refrain frombring-ing small children as,"we're notquite sure how racy the showwill become." .PAB usually offers freeactivities to he students butsince this is such a big namecelebrity they are going to berequired to charge a small feeof $8 per person. "We wouldlike to let the graduates attendfree, but again this is not goingto be possible so their fee willbe reduced to $4.11'11be totallyworth the price of admission.Morgan suggests buyingyour ticket early as the show isexpected sell out quickly.Hope to see everyone theirit will be an "ice, ice" time,The university of WisconsinParkside is happy to announce .a one time show featuringfamed 1990'srapper Vanilla ice.Sabrina Morgan, Presidentof the Parkside ActivitiesBoard(PAB) stated, "We havehad so many students inquire ifit would be possible to get therapper to perform at UWPManysaid that he is still their all timefavoritemusician,thoughmany are ashamed to admit it.The show will be held in theunion cinema on May 18,2003.Morgan said PAB felt thiswould be a great day to invitethe musicianasstudents grad-uating that day would be ableto go directly from commence-ment to the cinema."Itwouldbe a great way to celebrate theachievements of the gradu-ates." Families of the graduatesVanilla IceSlice ofLASlI'IA.-ehl ...._...........~..Series.College and Life can beachallenge-letusprepare you for both.Navigating the Place Settingand Other Dining Etiquette:A Hands on ExperienceNeed a JobforFall?Check out the employment opportunities in:Residence LifeStudent CenterStudent ActivitesWednesday, April 2ndUnion 207, 4pmPosition descriptions and on-line applications now available at:hnp://www.uwp.edu/admin/union/employment/employment.htmlThis session will teach you the do's and don'ts of properetiquette. You will learn table manners, which areessential in the dining culture. This section will help youmake great impressions On professional or social lunchdates. Come learn the secret rules of the dining world.I·APPLY TODAY!SponsoredbyStudenr LifeSponsoredbyStudent ActivitiesTheUnivenityofWisconsin- Parbide provides services for patrons with special1M!f!ds.Please contact the Parkside Student Center for assistance, (262) 595.2345.This advertisement was not paid for with state appropriated funds. MORE INFORMATION DownloadundefinedFull Screen Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Stranger News, Volume 33, issue 11, April 1, 2003 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 2003-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Newspaper Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPAC124_20030401_stranger.pdf Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside satire