https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/913bec74f6b30be5090fa592839ac2b9.pdf 2cee49bf58b61ab2ca04dcc5cb48530c Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Text Any textual data included in the document UFO's land somewhere Page 2010 New disease discovered Teachers' AIDS Page 69 US invades Illinois Page 1-94 Disc aimer: If you believe this^you're stranger than we are! NO* /-^V j Beatrice Thursday, April 1, 1985 Free, obviously Vol. 13, No. 100 Helms buys Chancellor seat - appoints Watts and Falwell by Bye Birdie In a surprise move Monday, North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms, the arch-conservative head of the Senate Agriculture Committee, bought the position of Chancellor at the University of Wisconsin- Parkside. The post had been vacant since the sudden disappearance last week of Chancellor Alan Guskin. Guskin could not be reached for comment. In his introductory speech to students and faculty, Helms chuckled, "I've got a few little changes planned." The littlest of these, apparently, is that the university will officially defy the state's Indoor Clean Air Act. All classrooms, hallways and meeting areas will be designated as smoking areas, Helms announced, adding that each classroom will be supplied with a cigarette vending machine. While some students have questioned the wisdom of such a move, outgoing PSGA vice-president Paul Johnson predicted that student opinion would rally behind the new Chancellor. "I believe this is a decision we can all live with," Johnson said. "It isn't like there aren't going to be any non-smoking areas at all. I think Helms mentioned the power plant, behind the number two backup power generator, for example. Unfortunately, the new Chancellor made no mention of increasing the availability of co ffee. This is a point on which I'd like to see more deliberation." More controversial are the personnel changes which the Stranger has learned are being planned by the new administration. Several members of the faculty have already protested the selection of the Reverend Jerry Falwell to head the Life Science department. "What the hell qualifications has that man got in Life Science?" said one professor, who spoke on the condition that his or her name, department, gender, tenure status, address and hair color be kept confidential. "He's read every book on the subject he'll ever need to, starting with Genesis and ending with Revelation," replied Helms, who promised to find out every last little thing about the above professor and "deal with the problem as soon as possible." "The scientific theory of Creationism has most certainly been short-changed in American Higher Education," commented Falwell. "New evidence in favor of Creationism is being discovered every day. Why, archeologists have just unearthed the actual apple core from the fruit eaten by Adam and Eve. It did not evolve from a pomegranate, and carbon-dating dates it at not 25 billion but 6,000 years." Falwell also praised Helms' decision to institute a policy of opening each class period with a prayer. "With the record of education today, kids need all the help they can get," he explained. James Watts is slated to head the groundkeeping department. "I'm really looking forward to this job," the former Interior Secretary told the Stranger. "There is plenty of open space which the University is at present under-utilizing. That, what is it, wheat field on the east side of campus: who needs it? We could rent that space out to firms who need to dispose of their waste products. Studies show that the Pike River Valley could be rich in coal deposits, and extracting them could positively impact the tuition rates for decades to come. The new ROTC complex will obliviate the necessity of pruning that stupid forest my predecessors allowed to grow all over the south campus. But what I'm looking forward the most is the constrution of the MX missile silos between the inner and outer loop roads." There are more changes to come. Helms expressed concern with the Wyllie Library. "A lot of those books have got to go," he told a faculty meeting Monday night. "Decadence, immorality, and filth pervade those shelves. It's not just fiction — F. Scott Fitzgerald, James Baldwin and other inflammatory authors — b ut many of the so-called non-fiction books are dangerous as well. I've talked this matter over with Mr. Watt and clearly we cannot have all these discarded books lying all over the place, creating a litter problem. He and I agree that the most effective and ' environmentally soud means if disposing of the materials would be to burn them." The resulting uproar among the faculty was soon quelled by the beefed-up campus security force. Helms has stressed that the moral development of the students at P.U. is of prime concern to his new administration. In addition to the prayer time in all class periods _ a chapel will be added to the campus, taking the place of Union Square. Whether attendance will be mandatory has not yet been decided, said Helms. In a related matter, Helms expressed pleasure that the university has gotten rid of Gen Con. "That's a very dangerous game," he told a PSGA meeting Monday. "You get little children believing that they are demons, that they are suicidal maniacs, that they can become invisible at will and open locked doors with magical spells. Besides, have you ever seen any of those people? They're all GEEKS!" The Stranger has learned that the reason Helms has purchased the Chancellorship of P.U. is that he has changed his mind in regards to his efforts to buy the CBS television network and change its newscasting policies. Sources close to the Senator inform us that Helms seeks to win over the hearts and minds of persons aged 18-30, w hom he feels are ripe for the new conservative movement. Rather than forcing ideological change upon an established television network, the Senator feels that it is more cost-effective to force campus newspapers to promote the conservative line. The editorial staff of Stranger, however, maintains that the newspaper's integrity depends upon its independence from administration interference. Editor Jennie Tunkieicz (rhymes with munkieicz) has promsied that the Stranger will never knuckle under...(excuse me, I've got to answer the phone.) Hello? My transcripts? You can't... Now, just a minute... You wouldn't! You can't! You will? NO....anything but that! Wait! I'll tell you anything you want to know! I'll write whatever you say! You want to know who that professor is who doesn't like Falwell? Can I... Yes, sir. Certainly, sir. Of course, sir. Thank you, sir. Goodbye, sir. And in conclusion, the entire student body at Parkside is looking forward with anticipation and enthusiasm to the bright new era promised by Chancellor Helms, a right, true, Christian and upstanding human being — na y, saint, the boots of which I arp not worthy to lick the mud and scum off of with my own tongue. Let's all give him our full support. How about a nice round of applause for God's Gift to Parkside, Jesse "The Great" Helms! Let them eat it raw by All Means Last week a new food service took over the job of feeding hungry Parkside students. A spokesman for the Ralston Purina company said they will do all they can to insure that students are fed well. "We just recently expanded our operation to include running food operations for colleges," said company spokesman T. Ralph Bowouzer. "We are trying to move our image beyond that of just a pet food company." Bowouzer said that one way in which this image change will be accomplished is by the introduction of a new product: Purina College Chow. "New College Chow contains all the necessary nutrients needed for a busy college student. These nutrients are put together in a tasty, textbook-shaped nugget," said Bowouzer. "These nuggets have the additional feature of making their own gravy when you put water on them," he added. In an informal poll, ninety percent of students polled said they were unaware of the food sewice change-over, although most said they had noticed an improvement in food quality. Toss me a dorf by Bonds The Parkside Athletic Department, in conjunction with the International Person Tossing Federation, is sponsoring an event that could attract major attention to Parkside. The event is the "Dorf Throw," based on the popular and controversial dwarf tossing contests held in Australia. In this event, Parkside Ranger basketball star Erlan Wonderdorf will throw contestants as far as he can. A helmet and padding will be provided for the participants. The person thrown the farthest by Wonderdorf will receive free hospitalization at the instutition of his choice. The event will cost $5, with half the proceeds going to feed the residents of Ranger Hall. Entries are limited to the first 50 people to sign up. Entry forms are available at the Athletic Department office and major medical centers in Racine and Kenosha. Start Can you help Doug find his way through registration? L HO"] BOOKS FofJ 3 WEEKS ZL_J Default O/v Sro&E#T Loaw Sec-fion Closed TRY AGA/A// Finish V by Gones To have known him is to have forgotten him, but such is truly an unjust fate for one of the early pioneers of television spectery, Basil Wraithbone, perhaps best known as one of the original members of the Ghostly Trio of the Casper The Friendly Ghost series. Wraithbone, however, has been staging a comeback in recent years, and was gracious enough to grant me a recent telephone interview. "I was new to show business back then," the 120-year-old Wraithbone told me, speaking of his 1944 start with the Casper series. "In life, I had been a bassoon instructor in a little town called Shunk, Pennsylvania, but after my death in 1940, I passed on to other things." For a while, Wraithbone haunted a music store in Shunk, and that is how he came to break into show business. "It's the kind of thing you read about always happening to other people," he told me. "I was basically just hanging around the back room playing a bassoon, when this guy comes in and says to me, 'Hey, you play that thing real good.' Next thing I know, I'm in the theater, off-Broadway, in a musical revival of 'Spoon River Anthology.' I'd never been in a play before, but I decided, 'Hey! This is fun' and that's how it started." In 1944 Wraithbone got word that Famous Studios was planning a series featuring a friendly ghost, and he went to audition for the part. Wraithbone was turned down for the lead role, but ended up being cast as one of the series' regular villains. "They were looking for someone young, to appeal to the youth audience, for the leading role," Wraithbone explained. "Even with a falsetto, no one is going to believe I am a kid." And so the part went to Casper Wyman, then aged 43, a child vaudeville star who had suffocated to death in 1907 due to a large tomato thrown at him by an irate theater-goer in Toledo. In no time at all, the Casper series was a big success, and that is when the trouble started. Wraithbo- Chancellor applications sought Is a small liberal arts college what you're looking for? Are you bored? Do you hate Ohio? Would $62,000 a year help pay your gambling debts? Would you like your own private bar in your office? Could you tolerate driving an old station wagon, if it was free? Would you like a rent-free home where you wouldn't have to mow your own lawn or wash your own windows? If you can answer yes to two or more of the above questions, you might be qualified for the position of Chancellor — even if you can't read the questions, you may still be qualified. The Stranger is accepting applications for this rather dull, and certainly uneventful job. NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY! Be the first Chancellor on your block. 10-year employment limit. Get your application today! Wraithbone, seen here at the 1952 gala opening of "She's Working Her Way Through College" with Ronald Reagan, no longer regrets having downed so many martinis that he barfed all over the future President's nice white suit. ne started hitting the bottle. Hard. "I can look back on the films now and see how badly it was affecting my work," said Wraithbone. "I was hazy and blurred and kept fading in and out all the time. You look at the outtakes and you can see shots of me falling flat on my face through the floor. It was bad. Production schedules also suffered; Wraithbone would show up at the shoots late or not at all — and sometimes he would arrive for the shoot and still not show up, totally forgetting to become visible, which drove the make-up crew crazy. Finally, the management of Famous Studios handed him his walking papers. "They slipped right through my fingers. I was in shock. I couldn't even hold on to a piece of paper." Wraithbone described his fight to free himself from the bottle as "one of the most terrible periods of my afterlife," but well worth it, and now he is concentrating on his comeback. "It was difficult after living down the reputation I had made during my drinking years," he admits. He was turned down for parts in "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" and "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir," among others, but by the late 70's the industry was ready to forget Wraithbone's past. His big break came when Steven Spielberg asked him to make a cameo appearance in his 1982 film "Poltergeist." "There's no doubt about it, Spielberg is one of the greatest directors alive today," said Wraithbone. "He has a real feeling for the afterlife. At times it made me think he may have been dead once himself, and I mean that as a compliment." I asked Wraithbone why he turned down a role in the 1984 blockbuster "Ghostbusters," starring Bill Murray and Dan Ackroyd. "Murray and Ackroyd, they're two really funny men, and I really respect (Harold) Ramis, but I felt that film was demeaning to dead people. There's no understanding of what it means to be a dead person in society today. What of the future? "I'm looking at a number of scripts right now," said Wraithbone. "I've got one right here, called 'Jacques Brel is Deceased, Oh, Well, and Buried in Paris,' which looks mighty promising. It's a musical. That would bring me around full circle, I guess." More immediately, Wraithbone would like to return to visit Shunk, Pennsylvania, again. "I haven't been there in ages., it would be good to see my old haunts again." Do you have a small plot of unused land? \ An old garden? A window box? Now you can put these unused bits of land to work and help out your country at the same time. The U S needs MX Missile Sites. With 25 new missiles on the way we need places to put them. Fast. it's easy Just call or write and we'll send a grossly overpaid 8 government construction crew to your home within days to a begin work In just two years and 17 cost overruns, you'll have S a backyard to be proud of. And the best part is: your yard will ^ look just the same as before, except for the steel hatch and the 8 70 000 sq. ft. of poured concrete. 3 So if you want to help, just call 1-SOO-SKA-BOOM or write: ^ NUKE THEM RUSSKIES. Box 1000. Pueblo. Col. 81009. Spirited superstar from ghost to ghost Giant bagel attacks UW-P by Pass A 50 foot onion bagel invaded the campus today. Onlookers cried, "It was horrible, frightening!" A total of 30 people were injured as the leavened loaf lunked through the hallways. 15 people received squished appendages, and the other 15 wer e hospitalized for removal of embedded crumbs from their bodies. It is rumored that the bagel grew to its enormous size after an unknown student spilled radioactive coffee on it. The coffee was grown on a nuclear waste site as part of an environmental experiment program. "We were testing to determine the effects of nuclear waste products on waste-heads, so a college was the perfect surrounding. It's unfortunate that an innocent bagel was hurt in the process," said Nat Snora, Food and Drug Services Director at Sparkside. The National Guard was called in to stop the bagel from spreading terror across the city. The National Guard put a stop to the mammoth roll by freezing it in its tracks. But according to Snora the 50 foot frozen bagel will not be wasted. 25 aircraft flew the bagel to Ethiopia as Sparkside's contribution to famine relief. Snora said the Union also hopes to grow cream cheese and jelly by pouring radioactive coffee on the spreads. The humongous cheese and jelly will also be sent to Africa for use on the huge bagel. "Oy vey," said Snora. "A bagel without cream cheese is like an hour without a beer." Bagel attack captured by ace Stranger . Wraithbone Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Stranger, Volume 13, Issue 100, April 1, 1985 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1985-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire