https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/3248a8724bbd35fcdd2a4e2a412045d7.pdf 9fe6686c12131ef57ae01c87a83b5c88 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Gates to United Nations: We will crush you Issue Volume 29, issue 5 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document It you think this is real, seek professional help Gates to United Na.tions "We will crush vou!" APE Newswire Leagues of zealous microsoftians stormed across U.S borders Friday after Judge Jackson handed down his ruling. The U.5. military was caught unaware, and the microsoftians quickly took control of.the majority of the western seaboard. The Chief prosecutor in the landmark antitrust trial, John Lewis explained the situation. "It seems that Gates saw he was in trouble and secretly bought Canada a few months ago. Using Windows 2000: Mindcontrol Edition I", the evil overlord dominated the . Canadians and has been training them in elite military maneuvers and to use Windows 2000. Our intelligence indicates that the only reason they didn't attack sooner was that they had to keep reinstalling Windows 2000after constant crashes." Gates has set up his new empire on the ashes of the old Microsoft offices. New features include Windows 2000: Missile Defense Edition™, Windows 2000: Toxic Gas Edition TM, and Windows 2000: Torture Room of Extjeme Pain Edition™ among other ghastly 'editions.' Several attempts to infiltrate and neutralize Gates have failed. After securing this new territory, Gates flew to New York on the back of his mighty Mastermold robot to speak to the United Nations. "I am' Evil Overlord Bill, and 1 expect to be addressed as such," Gates said. "Your insolence will not be tolerated any longer, and 1 will take over the world. We will crush you. My dreams of squashing all competition and forcing computers users to exist on 64k of memory are at hand. Fear the 64k revolution!" Gates followed his speech with maniacal laughter and a note on the plug and pray capabilities of Windows 2000. American leaders were left in shock as Gates flew away riding his mighty robot. "We can't even mount a defense because all our computers had Windows 98 and they are all automatically updating via the internet to Windows 2000: World Domination Editionl"," said General Ed McKinley. Can America prevail and drive back this evil menace or will we all be forced to use eDOS (the e is for evil) and 64k of RAM? Sources say toplevel generals are in secret negotia tions with both the MacOS and Linux camps to put an end to the evil empire. As one Macintosh flyboy said, "we've been warning them for years that this was going to happen. Well now everyone knows the true evil of using Windows." New Executive parking spot in Main Place sparks controverSY, injury Jack Logan Chancellor Keating has sparked controversy with not only his new parking spot in Main Place, but also with his .horrendous driving. "It seemed as if he were aiming right for me," said and bruised and battered Jamie Freeman. "I started running when I saw the car coming and then wham, I was sprawled across the hood." A communications professor that asked to remain anonymous told the Strartger staff that he had asked for a budget increase the week before and "I was walking to class when 1 had the odd feeling that someone was following me, then 1 saw the car edge out from a side hallway and charge me at around 100 mph. 1barely jumped out of the way." He added, "Of course 1cancelled my request the next day. I'm not crazy." 8 ItroU think this iareal,"'k pro. feH1onalha1• ...... "anl/B In J Nitrous boosts performance, interest During the week of April 3, many students at Parkside reported feeling especially giddy and excited while they were in the main buildings of the schooL One student, Susan Arnold, explains "I was sitting in my Quantum Physics class and usually 1 just stare at the clock and try not to fall asleep, but for some reason, this week 1have found the class and the professor extremely interesting." This may not seem tike a bad thing. However, when 1,342similar cases were actually reported to university officials, the administration decided it was time to reveal the cause. The Director of Student Wellness on Campus, Dr. Reece held an informative meeting with concemed staff and students on Friday. Dr. Reece explained that, "I saw both the students and faculty just drooping. All the excitement was paying the price. Following recommendations from my staff, 1 decided to pump small amounts of nitrous oxide through the school's ventilation system for one week. Nitrous oxide is commonly used to make people . insensitive to pain, and many feel excited when they inhale it. This was a test to see what kind of results the gas would produce in our facility." After releasing his statement, Dr. Reece fielded numerous questions involving the safety of the gas and any long term effects it may have on the staff and students who inhale it. Dr. reece continually responded with Oswald Band 10 plav Main Evenl In a public relations coup, the PSGA has booked the world famous Oswald Band as the headliner for main Event. Fans describe their music as "just killer." Any CIA, cubans, mafia, n.w.o, illuminati, aliens, masons, or microsoftians that are looking for a patsy can contact Oswald at 262.555.5689 knowledgeable information that seemed to calm the crowd. Dr. Reece said, "I assure you that nitrous oxide is completely safe. Itis pleasant to inhale and it takes effect almost inunediately. It asia wears off rapidly, so soon after you stop inhaling it, you will begin to lose the feelingsthat the gas caused you to experience. The inhalation of the gas will not leave any lasting marks on the brain and will have no lingering effect." The positive result that the gas had on both the students and the faculty caused the administration to confront .the cost of the gas as compared to the benefits of long-term use. A.D. Mansfield, spokesperson for the administration, said, "We have all seen and felt the effects of the nitrous oxide on this university, but the price of the gas is steep and we will need to decide if the cost is worth the benefits." Many students and staff members who enjoy the effect of the gas believe that the benefits will greatly outweigh the cost. They mention the fact that the university will draw more students as word spreads and this means more incoming tuition. After hearing the statements by Dr. Reece, and the pleas from faculty members and students, the administration announced that they will continue with the research and make their final decision by the beginning of the fall 2000 semester. Graduate Nurses: Look to your Future, a future with endless possibilities, and a future with Aurora Health Care. Wisconsin's largest non-far-profit health care system Explore the VALUE of becoming an Aurora Nurse: • Job opportunities and growth in a variety of specialties/sites o. Competitive salary, benefits and incentive savings plan • Outstanding tuition reimbursement for continuing education such as BSN completion and advanced practice • Opportunities for practicing and shaping the direction of nursing practice • A self promoted clinical practice model • Access to our nursing research and educational training center • Unit specific CNS support and personalized orientation Our Metro-Milwaukee locations include: Aurora Medical Groups. Family Service of Milwaukee Friendship Village e Milwaukee Psychiatric Hospital St. Luke's Medical Center. SI. Luke's South Shore Sinai Samaritan Medical Center. West Allis Memorial Hospital The Visiting Nurse Association of Wh:~consin It's not too early to begin exploring job opportunities as a Graduate Nurse. Please contact us to set up an interview or to be mailed an application: Aurora Centralized Employment 3307 West Forest Home Avenue p.o. Box 343910 Milwaukee, WI 53234-3910 Nurse line: (414) 389-2602 Fax: (414) 671-8110 www.aurorahealthcare.org Equal Opportunity Employer M/F/D/V We support a safe, healthy and drug free work environment through criminal background checks and pre-employment drug testing. Ityou think thi. 1Ir.al,seek proten1onal belp "ange New TOJline seeks to end stereotypes Leo Roberts I Christmas may be nine months away, but toy manufactures are already developing the next big thing. Gaytypes Inc., a newcomer to the toy biz, thinks it has the next Furby and wants to educate at the same time. "We want American kids and kids around the world to know the truth aboutbeing gay. These toys will allow children to interact with non-stereotyped gay males so that less hate occurs as they grow up," said CEO Rick Sherman. "Most people don't know this, but Barbie was based on a German sex doll. We are just following the same business model of showing the truth and hope to achieve the same success. Just as Barbie looks like a normal woman, our action figures represent the average gay male." When asked what the average gay male looks like Sherman pulled out his market research which appeared to be several gay porn mags. "Gay men have huge penises. I'm talking about 2-3 feet long. We represented that in our figures along with the fact that gay men don't like to wear much clothing." Other distinguishing features include being extremely museu" lar, a tendency to wear costumes, and having tattoos Sherman added. "Our purpose is to not only bridge the sex gap with knowledge and understanding. but also to bridge the racial gap. We have at least one action figure for each ethnic group. I think we'll steal the show this Christmas and continue to work to end all stereotypes," said Sherman. Gaytypes can be reached at www.gaytypes.com or by phone at 1.800.555.6895. New bands storm pop music scene Chris Jackson Introducing the new teen acts that will dominate the year 2000.Forget the Backstreet Boys. Forget N'Sync. Hell, forget98 Degrees. Here are the groups that will blaze up the charts this year. First on the list is lesTalent. This new quartet were brought together by faith and a manager who believes in their ability. Before they release their first album in June, they will be taking singing lessons. "It's a little rough around the edges. Oh hell, it's a lot rough around the edges! But, everything should be ready for the album," said their manager, "This was never about whether they can sing. The girls will never notice because we plan on having the guys take off their shirts during concerts. Why do you think we have them spend so much time in the gym? Any sign of a gut and we're screwed!" The other group is Higher Voices. This quartet from Orlando is known for their high voices, which amazed people considering that all the members are in their mid-twenties. But their manager, Rich Innis, says their high-pitched voices should be no secret. "It's simple. They had their testicles cut off. We asked them if they think it's worth it, and they said they had no problem with it because they really wanted to be rich. Pretty clever, wasn't it?" To make sure that each group makes it big. all the members of each group have also sold their souls to Satan in order to make it. "Hey that's why the teen groups like the Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, and N'Sync hit it big. Does anybody really think that they made it on talent?" said Innis. Each group also has it in the contracts to give 50 percent of their sales to top 40 radio stations in order to play their songs every hour on the hour for months. The Ranger newspaper is looking for qualified candidates to fill all paid positions for the Fall 2000 staff - Assistant Business Manager Photographers Spans Reporters News Reponers Editor-in-Chiel Assistant Editor Business Manager Valuable resume experience and a fun place to work .• ,,", '-11" 9 ...... 10 ~ eli .... ~ ~ "" j If 1011think this isreal, seek proi'ea1onal help Red Ruffinsore I've had it up to here with these whiners who complain about building million dollar sports stadiums with taxpayers money. What's a few hundred million dollars wheri our civic identity is on the line? Our very way of life as God-fearing, sports-loving fans is at stake here and all these people can think about is paying for education and feeding the hungry! Let's get our priorities straight, pe0- ple! We need big beautiful new sports and entertainment complexes to emphasize the fact that we are proud of the cities we call home and proud of the teams that represent us. Does it matter that most of the people who attend sporting events at inner city sports palaces don't live-s-and therefore don't pay taxes-in the cities that build these monstrosities. Hell no! How else can we bring those SUVs in from the suburbs? And does it matter that most of the players who play at these stadiums and most of the owners who rake in obscene profits from them don't live in the cities from which they profit? Get serious! Given the choice between Milwaukee in February and Key West in February which would you pick? Speaking of Milwaukee, doesn't it do your heart good to see Miller Park rising toward the sky once again? Just think of all those corporate luxury boxes and club seats that will filled with happy baseball fans in2001. Just think of the $6 hot dogs and $7 beers those fans will consume, and the $9 spaces the cheerful parking lot attendants will be squeezing their sport utes ,range into. So what if it will wind up costing us half a billion dollars? It's worth every blasted cent for the joy of the watching the Brewers stink up the National League Central. It's worth every penny to see that roof roll closed when the temperature plunges into the suoArctic range in April ... and May ... and June ... and August...and September (we won't talk about October because the Brewers haven't played a game in October since 1982). Now look at what the Packers want to do. They want to build civic pride in Green Bay with a multi-million dollar shopping and entertainment complex adjacent to Lambeau Field. God bless them! I personally can't wait to buy a $10 green and gold yogurt at TCBY! I know you can't wait either. Now if we weren't spending taxpayer money on sports stadiums, what would we be doing with that money? Letting the taxpayer keep it? Heck no! We'd be spending it on better schools, on programs that feed hungry kids, on meaningful job training. What fun is that? We need to take our lead from cities like Baltimore and Cleveland. When the Orioles needed a spiffy new stadium; when Art Modell oozed into town looking for a news stadium, did the city worry that its schools were falling apart? NO! It built stadiums! Nice ones, too. When Cleveland had a gun held to its head by Richard Jacobs who threatened to move the Indians elsewhere if he didn't get a stadium; when the Cavaliers insisted they needed a new stadium; when the NFL dangled an , Sports Commentary let's Get Our Priorities Straight! Disclaimer The Stranger section of this paper is not based on any factual evidence. It is intended for entertainment purposes and to make our five readers laugh. Just because the geese droppings look like tootsie rolls does not mean you should eat them. The Stranger disavows any knowledge of existence being real and likes to pretend that this is just a really bad dream. expansion football franchise before the city's dazzled eyes, did the city worry that its school were bankrupt? Nope! Nope! Nope! Stadiums and an arena were built right quick, baby! Now don't get me wrong. I'm' all for education. Without colleges, there would be no football bowl games. Without colleges, there would be no Final Four in basketball. Education is important to sports fans. But fancy stadiums that produce multiple revenue streams are important, too! Happy billionaire owners and happy millionaire players are important, too! We just have to get our priorities straight! Going Home for the Summer? UW-Baraboa/Sauk County UW-Ban'on COU1ly (Rice UIkel UW-R;x1d du Lac UW-Fox YalIey (Meoashal UW-Manilowoc UW-Marathon COU1ly (Wausau) Pick UP college credits. UW-Waukesha UW-Marinelle Earn collega cred~s this summer at a University ot Wisconsin two-year campus in or near your hometown. . UW-MarshfieldlWood County UW-RIch1and (Richland centsll • Experience small classes taught by professors on campus or take classes online at www.uwcolleges.com - UW-Rock COU1ly (Jar1eSViIel • Ensure your credits transfer by consulting the UW Transfer Information Syslem (TIS) at www.uwsa.edu/tlsl UW-WashiIlglI:M ICounty For tradftlonal summer classes vlsft www.uwc.edu For onli'."\cla sees visa www.uwcollelles.com -, Call toll I_lor more information 1-888-11\1FO-DWC (West Bend) UNIVERSITY WISCONSIN COLLEGES The freshmanlsopboffiOTe OW campu$e5 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Stranger , Volume 29, issue 5, April 13, 2000 Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 2000-04-13 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English satire