https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/26911b8d6e95035e56235e19196571e4.pdf 1baf6c0fb5d91678c186f3358ca428cc Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Issue Vol. 2 cubic feet No. 1 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document Nothing that is contained in this issue of the Stranger is intended to be factual. All names, pictures, and references to real people are purposely coincidental. However, if you wish to take anything in this issue seriously, that is your own damn problem and since we are printing this disclaimer you ugly people out there can't do a thing to us, you bunch of morons. Day 368 of Reagan's convalescence Utellum Correspondence School ranger Vol. 2 cubic feet No. 1 Bombed in Union A bomb blasted the Union Square yesterday, the direct result of a terrorist attack by a group calling itself CRAP (Crazy Radicals At Parkside). The group claimed responsibility for the incident, saying that it was the only way it felt it could get attention in an apathetic school such as this one. Parkside Security was immediately called to the scene, however, several security personnel were already inside the Square at the table in the back corner when the bomb went off. No one in the building was severely hurt. When asked why the bomb was planted in the Union Square, a spokesman for the terrorist group said only, "It seemed like the thing to do. We thought of the library first, but we know there's never anybody there." No one has been arrested in connection with the incident since, of course, whoever planted the bomb didn't stick around to watch it go off. Damage to the Square is estimated at about $23.68, not counting tax. Why do birds exist? by Doug resuahnedE FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Did you ever wonder what birds think about all the time? Do they even think at all? Were they just put on this planet to spew mindless, albeit wonderfully melodic, soliloquies? I prefer to think not. After all, wouldn't it be a trifle selfish of th e human race to deny our feathered friends, or any other of G od's creatures, the existence of intelligence of any substance? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Just taking the liberty to merely listen to the birds and not trying to give them any feedback, or at least trying to understand them. Birds could be very much like humans, if they really wanted to. But it just so happens that they decided to journey upon a different path of existence. They took to the air, opening up to themselves a much more efficient mode of transportation than we humans have. They don't have to squabble with other groups of birds over such subjects as fuel prices or import tariffs. I'm sorry. I just can't go on with this masquerade anymore. Birds are totally ignorant beasts that often fly into windows because they don't have the ability to tell the difference between a wall and their nests, and if they did have any intelligence they'd be burning each other's nests out of hatred and jealousy. They would continually be having species riots between different factions. What a laugh! Birds being intelligent. Nancy Reagan gets new jeans by C.B. Everybody knows about Nancy Reagan's clothes, and of the controversy and condemnation she creates by accepting new ones. All the "great" designers get to write these gifts off. Nancy, in turn, gives these "gifts" to museums, where visitors are sure to beat down doors to see the famous frocks. Well, hey, we want a tax break too! So Stranger proudly announces that sweet ol' Nancy will be the first recipient of our own special brand of designer jeans. These jeans will carry the elite ESAD* label. We feel Nancy is worthy of th ese jeans and should feel honored to wear them. Hopefully, they will catch on, for there are several other people in Washington who deserve to wear the ESAD label. * Eat Shit And Die John Hingstson has a problem. He's a chain smoker. New Dorms Itranger photo by M. Mole The administration announced yesterday that plans are being made to open the Parkside Dormatories. A university spokesman said the dorms will be located near the Village, giving the residents a panoramic view of the beautiful countryside surrounding Parkside. The building (pictured above) will not need any renovating. "That's OK," said the spokesman, "because we don't have enough money to even buy a welcome mat." And now, the news in brief by the never ending searcher of truth and justice, Pat Chickensiak. The teaching awards committee announced last week that they have had to cancel this year's teaching award. Associate Dean Michael Chasis, head of the committee was quoted as saying, "We were too late, we finally located a teacher worthy of the award, but we discovered that he'd just been non - renewed. Apparently, he was the last one." In other news, hundreds of students waiting for the results of their English competency exam have staged a sit-in in front of th e room where the faculty committee is locked in a bitter debate Gross Out Students are real slobs r by Carol Burns What's a quick way to get grossed out? No, besides that. How about the feeling you get when you go to a drinking fountain and find assorted filth floating within? Many times this can happen to you when you least expect it: when you are running to some class after charging up the stairs; before a big test; or when you are just plain thirsty. Okay, so this isn't a pleasant subject, but it happens rather frequently at Parkside. The crud found in these drinking fountains is not the fault of the cleaning staff. God knows they do their best to keep Parkside one of the cleanest in the state. They can only do so much, though, and if students keep filling Up the "bubblers," who could blame them if they go on strike? Come on now! Let's have a little class. This is the Big Time. Do all you perverts out there have to spit your chewed gum into our drinking fountains? Can't some of you smokers walk an extra ten feet to an ashtray to dump your butts? Do you people get some kind of weird thrill out of plugging up public fixtures? And another thing: All you rejects from "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" who like to clean out your noses with your fingers should know that you have cornered the market on gagging people. Of co urse everybody gets hungry when they have back - to - back classes, but you nose - pickers are going to have to try to restrain yourselves. Everyone praises self - reliance, but that's ridiculous. We are all adults, and there really is no place for this type of behavior at Parkside. Let's get these slobs to clean up their act before this school gets a bad reputation. as to what is correct. The faculty committee started the argument two months ago over the placement of commas, ahd they have gotten to the point where they must be force fed. Local area doctors have several times requested that the fight be stopped, but no one can seem to reach them. A plea has arisen from the spouses and relatives of the professors. Said S. Parakeet, wife of one of the professors, "All we want is to know that they are still alive in there." The Ranger will have more complete details on the subject next week. The Parkside security squad has had more than its share of trouble this past week. It seems that the entire squad was arrested by Kenosha authorities in connection with drug smuggling charges. According to police reports, the security force had an elaborate system of sm uggling in drugs to the Parkside Village. See next week's Ranger for more details. APPLICATIONS NOW BEING TAKEN FOR SPORTS EDITOR MAKE $3.35 per/hr. —12 Hrs./Week QUALIFICATIONS — Edit sport stories, write occasional sports stories, work well with others, be able to jump printing presses in a single bound, be innovative, courageous, single with no dependent children. Hate for all sports desirable but not mandatory. Inquire at the RANGER OFFICE WLLC D139 Farewell Follett Follies Stranger presents £ " ParkSid6 ' t0 "» •"** * *• theme from ..The I'm so mad we've had this time together, just to pay a lot for bad service. Seems we just get started and we pay a surcharge, comes the time we can say, good riddance. fvfit Athletic dirt revealed by Tammy Papermate This reporter has heard through very confidential sources, that Jim Cooky, coach of the Parkside wrestling team, will be announcing the engagement to the love of his life very shortly. The blushing - bride - to - be, affectionately known as the 'Crusher' to his closer friends is somewhat of a famous figure after his semi - weekly appearances on All - Star Wrestling. A few invitations have already been sent out. Among others, the 'Bruiser', the 'Masked Marvel' and 'Gorgeous George' have been invited. * * * The Parkside baseball team, newly dubbed the "Bad News Rangers" has had some pretty nice happenings as of late. This columnist is pleased to announce the signing of Kevin Biteher, former Ranger Shortstop to the Chicago Cubs. On Biteher's first appearance during Spring training, he attained the status of leading the league with a batting average of —.092. Way to go Kevin!! * # + In another light of Parkside sports, one of the main swimmers of the now defunct Swim Club has been approached by NGN movie productions to star in the up - and - coming new movie documentary of Esther Williams' life. After much snooping, or should I say investigating, it has been discovered that the swimmer with the initials of K. Z. (who wishes to remain anonymous) has signed the contract, and filming will commence sometime after his sex change operation. * * * Dick Freckle, the men's tennis team coach, was physically ousted from the Racine YMCA after trying to gain admittance to the women's shower room. Police reports have it that Freckle entered the building at 7:15 p. m. through a side entrance, and was discovered only after he had shot six rolls of Kodacolor film. Freckle will be appearing before a renowned judge in Racine on June 5. * * * This reporter has learned through VERY intimate relations with a certain Rat that the next men's basketball coach (if Bill Coalfield refuses to come to Parkside) will have the first name of Mike. I will learn the last name at my next interviews. Interuiew Godzilla and Gamera still battle it out by Dick Oberbruner Try as they may, Japan cannot get Godzilla, the prehistoric fire breathing lizard, and Gamera, the flying tortoise, to be friends. These two deadly giants have been using this island nation as their battleground for years. And Basketball budget increased by Karen Norweed Athletic Director Dwayne Whatthehell submitted the 1983 - 84 At hletic Budget to SUFAC last Wednesday. Although the new budget showed a marked increase in funds, the single major increase was for the basketball budget. The coaching position, which has now been vacated by Stephen Steves, will be filled by Bill Coalfield. The coach's salary will show a 110% increase from last year's salary with a sum of $75,000. Another new aspect of the budget will be that the players (for the first time) will be paid for their performances. They will be paid on a sliding scale for each game they play, they will start at $1,000 for the first win, graduating to $1,500 for the next win and receiving $500.00 in crements for each future victory. The players will also be penalized for losing games at $10,000 for the first game they lose, increasing by $5,000 per each game lost. Said Whatthehell, "We're hoping that this incentive program will improve Parkside's future basketball record. If this doesn't work, the basketball trainer, Hal Henderson has something else in store for those S.O.B.'s." As it stands now, there are many big names considering coming to Parkside next year. Obituary This week the Ranger staff is sad to announce the death of a fellow staffer, Karen Norweed. Karen, the former Sports Editor, was killed in a freak, tragic accident Wednesday when a large printing press crushed her. According to police reports, Karen was killed when a press "undamped" itself from the floor and "jumped" her. Karen has been the Sports Editor for the Ranger since the beginning of the fall semester, and she will be sorely missed by her fellow workers. One of her favorite sayings was, "I hate all sports." Funeral services will take place for the Smorlick High School graduate April 2, at the Swamp - Meridath Funeral Home at 2 p. m., open . visitation THE LATE, GREAT KAREN NORWEED Among them are Julius Erving, Meadowlark Lemon, Marcus Johnson, Kareem Abdul - Jabar and Fred Derf. Another substantial sum will be set aside for (in Whatthehell's terms) "Educational Assistance". Said Whatthehell, off the record, "We're going to buy those God - damned grades off of those S. O. B. professors or, if that doesn't work, I have confidential information that the local mafia (and you know who you are) will 'take care of it.' " Whatthehell further stated "if the Ranger prints one goddam word of this interview, you'll find your fricking printing press in a very uncomfortable spot." So, Ranger basketball fans, this season looks to be the most promising season in a long time. By the way, does anyone know where we can find another printing press? Register arms? by Emily Latellum What's all this fuss about arms registration? People all over the place are in a tizzy over whether or not they should have to register their arms. Well, I think it's silly. I've had my arms all my life, and nobody ever made me register them! If we let them make us register our arms, it won't be long before we'll have to register our legs. Next thing you know, they'll want a running inventory on the rest of our bodies! We have to nip this in the bud. Next time someone asks you if you've registered your arms, say "NO!" Tell them it's the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard! Tell them you have worn bare arms all your life. Tell them What? . . . Guns? ... oh . . . NEVER MIND! Tokyo, the capitol, always sustains the most damage. "I don't know why they use us hmm," snorts Mayor Fuji. "Every time the fight begins out in the hillsides. Then they gradually make way towards town, right uh huh." Tokyo has suffered uncalculable damage over the past 20 y ears. Fuji faults movie - makers for "egging on" the two behemoths for the sake of box office draw. "They've gone Hollywood," he lip - syncs. "Godzilla once dem and ed per s o n a liz ed sunglasses and we had to make some for him that's right." Godzilla claims Japan to be his turf. "I've been around a lot longer than he has" (referring to Gamera). This is true. His movie career spans the Japanese monster era. Godzilla was there from day one. The challenger, Gamera, came from outer space in search of another planet. "Yeah — I was looking for something closer to the sun. You know, the warmth and all. Earth is really fertile, and I like the Japan area. It has good climate and I especially like running through the rice fields and squishing the paddies between the webbing in my toes." Though quite concerned about the damage inflicted upon his city, Mayor Fuji is grateful to local architects and construction companies for their fine job of replanning. "We've been able to rebuild at an amazingly fast rate uh, thanks to complete cooperation from people of Tokyo." Asked about the troubles between he and Godzilla, Gamera responded: "He's ignorant. When I first came here I was looking for a place to stay. And, like I said, I enjoy this area very much. But the public thought I was attacking, what with the flames shooting out from my shell. But hey, that's just me. I have to get around. And they want protection, so they got that goon and it's been war ever since." War indeed. Each time his scales are ruffled, Godzilla uncontrollably shoots fire from his mouth, burning a city block or two. "I'll have to watch myself on that. But this feud has been going on for years. I get anxious whenever I hear he's (Gamera) around. I seem to kill him off but he always comes back." The two can usually be seen battling it out on Saturday afternoons. Check your local TV listings. Sneaky Previews reviews "Big Green Thing" by Gene Shiksa and Roger Prevert Gene: Hi, I'm Gene Shiksa. Roger: And I'm Roger Prevert. On today's edition of Sneaky Previews we will devote our entire time to one movie, the new block - buster film, co-directed by Steven Spielberg, Ingmar Bergman, and Orson Welles, "Really Big Green Things That Eat People." Gene: Let's look at a clip of that movie right now. INSERT FILM CLIP Gene: Wasn't that marvelous? I think this is one of the best movies made in the last fifty years. Those big green things really are scary. The special effects are spectacular. The acting is uniformly excellent, especially from Shelly Winters as the unwed teenage mother. I recommend this movie highly. Roger? Roger: Are you nuts? This film is abysmal. The directing sucks, and the green things are terrible. You know Gene, you have no taste whatsoever, you balding geek! Gene: Is that so, fatso? You want to talk taste. You don't know what the word means. After all, you wrote the screenplay for 'The Valley Beneath The Cave Of The Ultrasluts' didn't you? Roger: That movie was art, you bozo. Gene: Art my Aunt Fanny. That movie belongs with our dogs of the week, speaking of which, here comes Spot the Wonder Dog. Spot: Woof! Roger: Get that damn dog away from me. Last week he peed on my leg. Gene: Just shut up you slob. Roger: I will not you freak. Gene: What are you doing with that gun? Roger: I've had all I can take of you. Take that! Gene: Ha ha you missed. You can't even shoot straight you . . . Arg! You got me! Roger: That's all for this week. Goodnight. Gene: Moan . . . thud. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Bombed in Union Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Stranger, Vol. 2 cubic feet No. 1, April 1, 1982 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Student publications Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1982-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Text satire