https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/caf203e263c0abedde92b1ba6dcfa799.pdf 4ecf75e9c2e7aa6f37410561e175ec48 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Text Any textual data included in the document Methods laid out Birth control balled up The staff members at the DeRanger have been asked for equal time for the articles that have been printed about Plant Parenthood. So here are "Some Methods of Birth c:ontrol that the Noble One missed. \. Chastity belts - Chastity belts could be sold at reduced rate for students under the age of 19 and over the age of 6. 2.Tie it in a knot. No explanation necessary. 3. Use Elmer's Glue All as a douche. (Better yet, super Glue) 4. Castration. , 5. Make sure one of you is dead. 6. Leaving your clothes on. 7. Keeping a thick quilt or lead shielding between the two bodies. 8.Do it with a partner of the same sex. 9. Attempt intercourse only while exceeding the speed limit driving down 1-94the wrong way. , I 9161 'li J&qwaAON~3~NY~aa 3a1S)l~Yd 3H~ A number of students atrempt , various ('ontrnl method« "lJl!~f'..t'f"d h" nf"RttntJf"r. birth SPECIALLY FOR WOMEN \. Only go out with abortionists. 2. Before going on a date, put a broken popbottle in your private parts. SPECIALLY FOR MEN \. Put your balls in a baggie and ziploc it. 2. At the last minute, replace penis with large toe. EPILOGUE These methods are tired and true and guaranteed to prevent impregnation. For further information, call 632-0091anytime for advice. However, some of these methods are considered illegal by your local authorities and the FBI. Now that we have a president committed to legal "shacking up" and just general screwing around, the. federal laws will soon change. Lost student found by SheidoD Duagbone A fonner Parkside student who has been mIsslng since 1973was found today by the campus security force purely by mistake. . A spokesman for the security force said a division involved in a combination parking ticket raid and search for a pair of tbe Chancellor's office ad· ~enturers were combing the woods just south of Main Place when one of them stumbled upon a man ,lothed in bucksin rags sitting in front of a crude shelter. Alter sharp questioning the officers discovered that they hlld found Mr. William Bunion, who was last seen 3 years ago just before setting off on foot from Greenquist Hall to his car which was located in the East Parking Lot. Mr. Bunion plans to return to Parkside after he is over the shock of re-entering society. When asked by this reporter if he will every again park his car in the East Parking Lot, Mr. Bunion replied "What is a car?" It was learned later by this reporter that Mr. Bunion was refused admission to the school because of his inability to remember what a car is. No one was available for comment. TheParkside------------- DeRANGER Vol. V No. 2 Wedne.d,,~. 'io\ember 17. 1976 UJJZP tastes Saga tragedy brutal enterprise, Champoop explained, "Well, we were going to keep it hushed until next semester when a proposed cutback in financial aid is to occur. in which case the surprise would definitely be in our favor. Look, if you have time I'll explain the whole thing. Sit down and have one of our 250 pounders with cheese." Butch Br inernan, of the security force, who led the raid, reported that four men and a woman were arrested following a brief scuffle in the cold storage and outer offices over what appeared to be a piece of evidence but was later confirmed as a pork chop. The four men were identified as Sydney Dowd, 38, Buddy Niechowicz, 26, and Earl "JayBob" Rivers, 50 all cafeteria cooks, and Rudy Sump, 29; a hair stylist from Racine. The woman, Eve Skwatlow, 32, was an admitted voyeur from Waukegan, Illinois. Brineman explained that his department's actions were based purely on suspicion after ..one of -e his men, while eating in the [" cafeteria, discovered a 1974 .' Tremper High School class ring in his Ranger Burger, while an ~ anonymous chancellor reported ;' finding a contact lens on his ~ chicken sandwich. "Other than those two incidents, nothing has been reported, which seems odd," Brineman said. ..But you by Fraiser Stetsonevski In a dramatic early morning. raid on the Saga Food Service's cold storage unit last Friday, the Campus Security Police and several vigilante PSGA members found the gruesome remains of' six fonner Parkside drop-outs suspended from the ceiling in positions which suggest their ultimate fate as processed food. Though an intense investigation for tacts to support that conclusion is still underway, Peter Champoop, a cafeteria worker whose job is to prepare cold-cuts and hot sandwiches confessed that he was aware of tbe atrocity but refused to accept full credit for its inception: "I wish I had dreamed this up," he stated. "We may never have a shortage again!" When asked why he never came forward to expose the USDA in8peclor Clyde B~gllie.... review8 the inud~-' qu~te eondition8 or the SOIliOcold 810r"lIe umt, know these college kids. They'd eat just about anything." A sense of loss and helpless anger has pervaded the school since the atrocity was discovered. :1/ one expected that euch an outrage could be cornmitted at this quiet, rural !n· stitution. "Things just won't be the same," reflected Larry Flank, a sophomore. "It looks like I'll have to go back to bringing a bag lunch." The PSG A members who participated in the raid as the arche-typal hysterical mob whichs had nearly taken the law into their own hands, seemed stunned at the fate of their fellow' students. said senator Jim Lobomeire, 19, "We could have at least held off on the raid until those poor guys had been marinated or rolled in breadcrwnbs. Anything but this! Hell, I knew a few of them personally and I can tell you with a straight face that not less than three of tbem wanted to go as deep-fried crullers." Another senator, Jean Rabbid, sadly remarked, "It's all such a waste! Imean, they haven't even passed inspection yet!" Following the notification of relatives, funerals for the deceased will be held at their respective churches, their times yet to be announced, with a wake afterwards for the entire group in the Union cafeteria. Duo vanished by Jerimiah Johnson Two Parkside students have been reported missing since last Friday afternoon after making a seemingly harmless bet with several fellow students as to whether or not they would be able to locate the Chancellor's office. Reported as missing to the Kenosha police were Richard Magellan, 21, of Racine, and Robert Polo, 20, of Kenosha. Both are history majors at Parkside. A friend of the pair said that he and another companion were silting 10 the Union with the two last Friday when Magellan began boasting that he was not afraid to try to locate the office regardless of the rwnors about barricades and guard dogs. After some preparation. the duo set out on their trek equipped with a tent, nashllght, sterno stove, ropes, and other survival equipment, and have not been seen nor heard from since. The Chancellor was not available for comment. Wargamers cited by Adolph PatloD Campus Security Police searched for six Parkside students missing since mid· semester after dropping their classes Campus Pollee discovered on saturday a homemade bomb shelter. three nuclear warheads, an inunense arsenal of ground combat equipment, and a World War n half.track in the 0-2 level of Greenquist Hall. After an initial investigation, the P.arkside Wargamers were ci ted by the Kenosha Fire Department for neglecting Fire safety Regulations, and blocking fire lanes . The Wargamers were also given citations fOl' malicious destruction of' private property after they dug forty-nine trenches on the east campus lawn and barb-wired the Library ~ center. Methods laid out Birth control balled up The staff members at the DeRanger have been asked for equal time for the articles that have been printed about Plant Parenthood. So here are "Some Methods of Birth Control that the Noble One missed. l. Chastity belts - Chastity belts could be sold at reduced rate for students under the age of 19 and over the age of 6. l 9L6l 'LL .1aqwaA0N H3~N'tHao 3O1S>CH'td 3H.l Lost student found by Sb ldoo Dungbors A former Parkside student who has been missing since 1973 was found today by the campus ecurity force purely by mistake. • A spokesman for the ecurity force said a division involved in a combination parking ticket raid and 2. Tie it in a knot. No explanation necessary. 3. Use Elmer's Glue All as a douche. ( Better yet, Super Glue) A number of students attempt _ ,:ariou!o, c·ontrnl methorl" .. .,~~t>-ted h, Jl.-Rnnuf>r. birth search for a pair of the Chancellor's office adventurers were combing the woods just outh of ~fain Place when one of them stumbled upon a man xlothed in bucksin rags sitting in front of a crude shelter. After sharp questioning the officers discovered Lliat they h~d found tr. William Bunion, who wa last seen 3 years ago just before setting off on foot from Greenquist Hall to his car which was located in the East Parking Lot. 4. Castration. 5. Make sure one of you is dead. 6. Leaving your clothes on. SPECIALLY FOR WOMEN 1. Only go c,ut with abortionists. 7. Keeping a thick quilt or lead shielding between the two bodies. 8. Do it with a partner of the same sex. !I. Attempt intercourse only while exceeding the speed limit driving down 1-94 the wrong way. 2. Before going on a date, put a broken popbottle in your private parts. SPECIALLY FOR MEN 1. Put your balls ma baggie and ziploc it. 2. At the last minute, replace penis with large toe. EPILOGUE Mr. Bunion plans to return to Parkside after h is over the shock of re-entering society. \\'hen asked by this reporter if he will every again park his car In the East Parking Lot, Mr. Bunion replied "What i a car?" These methods are tired and true and guaranteed to prevent impregnation. For further information, call 632-0091 anytime for advice. It was learned later by this reporter that tr. However, some of these methods are considered illegal by your local authorities and the FBI. ~ow that we have a president committed to legal ·'shacking up" and just general screwing around, the_ federal laws will soon change. Bunion was refused admission to the school becau of his inability to remember what a car i . No one was available for comment. The Parkside------------ DeR ANGER Vol. \" ~o. 2 \\edne .. da~. ~OH~mber 17. 1976 UW-P tastes Saga tragedy by Fraiser Stetsonevski In a dramatic early morning. raid on the Saga Food Service's cold storage unit last Friday, the Campus Security Police and several vigilante PSGA members found the gruesome remains of six former Parkside drop-outs suspended from the ceiling in positions which suggest their ultimate fate as processed food. Though an intense investigation tor tacts to support that conclusion is still underway, Peter Champoop, a cafeteria worker whose job is to prepare cold-cuts and hot sandwiches confessed that he was aware of the atrocity but refused to accept full credit for its inception." "I wish I had dreamed this up,'' he stated. "We may never have a shortage again!" When asked why he never came forward to expose the USDA inspector Clyde Buggers reviews the inttd~ - · quate conditions of the Saga cold storage untt. brutal enterprise, Champoop ·E'xplained. ··Well, we were going to keep it hushed until next semester when a proposed cutback in financial aid is to occur, in which case the surprise would rlefinitely be in our favor. Look, if you have time l'il explain the whole thing. Sit down and have one of our 250 pounders with cheese." Butch Brineman, of the Security force, who led the raid, reported that four men and a woman were arrested following a brief scuffle in the cold storage and outer offices over what appeared to be a piece of evidence but was later confirmed as a pork chop. The four men were identified as Sydney Dowd, 38, Buddy Niechowicz, 26, and Earl '"JayBob" Rivers, 50 all cafeteria cooks, and Rudy Sump, W, a hair stylist from Racine. The woman, Eve Skwatlow, 32, was an admitted voyeur from Waukegan, Illinois. Brineman explained that his department's actions were based purely on suspicion after ..one of his men, while eating in the cafeteria, discovered a · 1974 Tremper High School class ring in his Ranger Burger, while an _ anonymous chancellor reported finding a contact lens on his ;!. chicken sandwich. "Other than . those two incidents, nothing has been reported, which seems odJ," Brineman said. ··But you know these college kids. The_ "d eat just about anything." A sense of lo.:s and help! s. anger has pervaded the chool since the atrocity wa .. discovered .. • enc C!-.-pected that ~uch an outrage could be <'Ommitted at this quiet, rural institution. "Things just won't be the same," reflected Larry Flank. a sophomore. ··It looks like 1"11 have to go back to bringing a bag lunch." The PSGA members who participated in the raid as the arche-typal hysterical mob which~ had nearly taken the law into their own hands, seemed stunned at the fate of their fellow· students. Said Senator Jim Lobomeire, 19, • We could have at least held off on the raid until those poor guys had been marinated or rolled in breadcrumbs. Anythmg . but this! Hell, I knew a few of them personally and I can tell you with a straight face that not less than three of them wanted to go as deep-fried crullers." Another senator, Jean Rabbid, sadly remarked, "It's all such a waste'. I mean, they haven't even passed inspection yet!'' Following the notification of relatives. funerals for the deceased will be held at their respective churches. their times yet to be announced, with a wake afterwards for the entire group in the Union Cafeteria. Duo vanished by Jcrimi h John on Two Parkside tud nts have been r ported mi Ing since last Friday afternoon after ma ing a seemin 1) harmle b t with s \'era! fellow tudents as to ~hether or not they would be able to locate the Chancellor's offic . Reported as missing to th Kenosha police wer Richard Magellan, !!l, of Racine, and Robert Polo, 20, of Kenosha. Both are hi tory majors at Parkside. A friend of the pair said that he and another comparuon w r situn m the nion with th two last Friday when 1ag II n began boast1 that h was not afraid to try to locate th office re ardl of the rumor ab ut bamcad and uard do . After some pr paration, th duo s t out on their tr k equipped ·ith a tent, fla blight, sterno stove, rope , and oth r urviv 1 equipm nt, nd have not b n seen nor h ard from sine • Th Chane llor ·a not vallabl for comm nt. Wargamers cited by Adolph Patton Campus Security Polic ·earched for six Parksid tudents m1 "tng inc m dsemester fter dropping their clas e ampu. Police di covered on Saturda) a homemade bomb shelter. three nuclear warheads, an immen arsenal of ground combat equipment, and a World War n half-track in the D-2 level of Greenquist Hall. After an initial investigation, the P.arkside Wargamers were cited by the Kenosha Fire Department for neglecting Fire Safety Regulations, and blocking fire lanes. The Wargamers were also given citations fol' malicious destruction of' private property after they dug forty-nine trenches on the east campus lawn and barb-wired the Library Learning Center. ft61 ·u JaqW8AON il39NYila<J 301S>lilYd 3H1. z UW-Pcirkside DeRANGER' - EDITORIAL-OPINION - Sex scandal finally climaxes 1- • i ; •• ~ J.Carter Peaceful student compromise sought by Lester P. Madlock n,Jr. What we need in this country more than a five-cent whore or cigar. is a liltle law and order. The way that crime is handled in our cities is disgusting and shocking. They expect decent, God-fearing, taxpaymg, hard-working, child-loving, poorly educated and highly emotional people like you and me, to turn in our guns, tanks bazookas, sub-machine guns. rifles, anti-aircraft and nuclear weapons, so that criminals can rule the world. yO\>know, my father used to say, "Just let one of them creeps come Into my house, and I'll blow his brains clear across the street", that made me feel safe. l'iow all of those mambv, pamby, conunie, faggot, dope-addict, and liberal senators in congress, want to take our prectousguns, tanks, bazookas, etc., away from us. I say, "go to hell"; I don't give up any guns of mine to no police. the}' are as crooked as the rrooks What we do need III this country is good old capital punishment, like 'In the old days. U somebody killed someone else, lhen they just strung them up or shot them on sight. Oh God!, how lloog for those days. In mj opinion, all rapists and murderers should have their ey~ put out by a hot poker, slowly and painlully, then they should be boiled in' t'()1tar and placed in a block of ice, to cool them off, then put out in the middle of the street where they can be smashed to pieces, just like some beautllullittle squirrel or skunk. This is the ooly way to protect decent, god-fearmg, tax-paying, bard working, child-molesting, poorly~ucated and highly-emotional people such as you and me. Crtnunals must be made to pay, dearly, for their acts of lust. Why can't they be like most of us decent, god-fearing, tax-eheating, childmolestmg. poorly educated, and highly emotional people and just go jerk off in some dirty movie house; no, they go out and hurl somebody. Dope peddlers should be hung by the ears and forced to drink a pilon a drano, and then put into a rubber room. This would solve the . dope problem In this country, you 'betcha'. Don't send those kids to a hallway house, send lbem back 10 their decent, hypocritical, taxcheating, chll<knolesting, poorly educated and highly emotional .. rents; ibIS WIll straighten them out. Once you stop the rapISts and the murderers and the dope peddlers, this country will be safe for us decent, hypocritical, tax-cheating. hlld·mole ling, poorly.educated, liquor-drinking, and highly cmbllonal people such as you and me. But remember, pray for your enem,-., love your neighbor, and love your God. ~~DITOR IN CHIEF: "Boss" J. Zipper ,PUTUM EATER: Gene-Tenlative VAGUE EDIBLES: jock swisher, Pill Barfly COPIOUS ANTEATER: Juicy Lung PHOBIA AND GORE: Vun Tun Sun CURLY RAnON: Soup Or Quarts -:rUFF' Bill Barke. Phil Hermann, Jeff Litrenla S M -"thy Brnak, Phil Livingston, Tom Cooper Bruce 'w ue arquart, >oH .. o .. i <:;w~n~k; • agner The DeRanger should not be ,.Iltll seriously I don't care what you think Of' UV'· You folio';'" me? Don't give me that! If'S .11' jake. and if you can't see ftillt, you·..., ~ snet In your. ears. or your brain w'S sh· ...'"f off the last tome yOU got a hait.CuI. YOU 90 I now? HUh? Well. do y.? Answer me!! '"en .nd The Parksi"de DeRange, is wwtl tIM adited by $ever. I distu~bed students 01 t UnIversity Wisconsin. Parkside whOc.nllO be held responsible tor anyfhlng mYc" lets its editorial poUc:.,.or content . b)' J Carter Sex in the high echelons of the Parkside administration d'oes not surprise us. The headlines on.a rela~ed inci.dent have become. a blur. Their persistence as sensational journalism has worn Uno, and repercussions found in the form of Miss Elizabeth Ray's book: The Washington Fringe Benefits, have been brief and pathetic, Even in the Midwest, long known as.the "elastic in the shorts under the Bible Belt", promiscuity in high office b~ely turns a head or sends a frustrated school boy to the lavatory. When Barbara Noggers, a typist for the humanities department, confessed to simultaneous affairs with English professor, Lyle "Slow Bob" Angstfot; economics professor, Roland Teemer; communications lecturer; Pus Vlednegorkiewicz; German 'professor, Juan Mirales; Dr. Baskedd Tucci of the chemistry department; Chester Lambuster, advisor for Student Debits .with PAB; Joan Hemungga, a typist for the foreign language division; and Manfred Nevell, a shuttle bus driver, no. one really cared. Her pamphlet, entitled, Parkside Overtime, dida booming busiIless in the bookstore for three hours last October, then felt a terrninal cutback in sales. The pamphlet was taken off the shelves last week. The Deftanger takes a dim view of the entire affair. not only for iis pitiful attempt at sensationalism, or Miss Nogger-s questioQable judgement in the revelation of it which destroyed the stainless reputations of several prestigious academians, but for the shameless pride she displays in the matter. We feel the investigation in her affairs was incomplete. Questions arise which need answering. Even the pamphlet was short of facts. For instance: How was Professor Teemer ? Did he use a con.. traceptive, and what did he say afterward? Was Dr. Tucci's war wound a hindrance or did it cause new heart-stopping sensations that broughton mulitple climaxes. Is Juan Mirlaes really a kinky fe~? Does he really do those things to your navel? And how? How does Professor Angslfot manage with only that one arm of his? Whatls his favorite position, and could you please describe those "strange" undergarments he wears? These and other questions must be answered. Perhaps the whole shabby controversy can then come to final and blissfully ecstatic climax. ·· ·•= --- Lester P. Madlock n. Jr. • 9l6l 'l.l ,aqwaf.0N ~3!>N\t~ao 3O1S>t~Vd 3Hl. l UW-Pcirkside De RANGER· - EDITORIAL-O~INION Sex scandal finally clim~xes • .. ,,. ~ J.Carter Peaceful student compromise sought by Le st r P. ad lock II, Jr. ,,. by JCa,ter Sex in the high echelons of the Parkside administration <foes not surprise us.-The headlines on a related incident have become a blur. Their persistence as sensational journalism has worn thin, and repercussions found in the form of Miss. Elizabeth-~y's book, The Washington Fringe Benefits, have been brief and pathetic. Even in the Midwest, long known as the " elastic in the shorts under the Bible Belt", promiscuity in high office barely turns a head or sends a frustrated school boy to the lavatory. When Barbara Noggers, a typist for the humanities department, confessed to simultaneous affairs with English professor, Lyle "Slow Bob" Angstfot; economics professor, Roland Teemer; communications lecturer; Pus Vlednegorkiewicz; German professor, Juan Mirales; Dr. Baskedd Tucci of the chemistry department; Chester Lambuster, advi~or for Student Debits ,with PAB; Joan Hemungga, a typist for the foreign language division; and Manfred Nevell, a shuttle bus driver, no_ o!'}e really cared. Her pamphlet, entitled, Parkside Overtime, did.a booming busiriess in the bookstore for three hours last October, then felt a terminal cutback in sales. The pamphlet was taken off the shelves last week. The DeRanger takes a dim view of the entire affair, not only for its pitiful attempt at sensationalism, or Miss Nogger1s question.able judgement in the revelation of it which destroyed the stainless reputations of several prestigious academians, but for the shameless pride she displays iri the matter. We feel the investigation in her affairs was incomplete. Questions arise which need answering. Even the pamphlet was short of facts. For instance: How was Professor Teemer? Did he use a contraceptive, and what did he say afterward? Was Dr. Tucci's war wound a hindrance or did it cause new heart-stopping sensations that brought-On mulitple climaxes. Is Juan Mirlaes really a kinky fetishist? Does he really do those things to your navel? And how? How does Professor Angstfot manage with only that one arm of his? What is his favorite position, and could you please describe those "strange" undergarments he wears? · These and other questions must be~answered. Perhaps the whole shabby controversy can then come to final and blissfully ecstatic climax. Lester P. Madlock II, Jr. '!-:OITOR rN CHIEF : "Boss" J. Zipper iPUTUM EATER: Gene-Tentative The DeRanger should not be ta~en se.riously . I don't care what you think or say. You follow me? Don't give me that! lt's all a ioke, and if you can't see th1at, you've go; snot in your_ ears, or your b~ain was sha:tit off the last time you got a ha1t-cut. Yo~? now? Huh? Well, do ya? Answer me .· VAGUE ED1Bl.ES: _jock swisher, Pill Barfly COPIOUS ANTEATER: Juicy Lung PHOBIA AND GORE: Vun Tun Sun CURLY RATION: Soup Or Quarts '>' fUFF : Bill Barke, Phil Hermann Jeff L"tr ta ::athy Brnak, Phil Livingston Tom 'eoo· P 18 en ' Sue Marquart, . • er, ruce Wagner 10 fro" 1 ~'.V~!1~ki . The Parkside DeR anger is written a"d e.dited by several distutbed students of th~ University Wisconsin . Parkside who c~~::s be held responsible for anything muc its editoria.l polic.y or content. I Poet to read by Ludwig von Scbeutz poet Bunyon McPheeters will present a workshop and reading at Parkside on Wednesday, December 29 from 3-3:18 p.m. in the Wyllie Ubrary·Learnmg Center Room D-I07. The event is free and open to the general puIrlic who are between the ages of twenty-seven and forty-three and will admit to ever ha~ing had scaly. patches on their abdomens. . McPheeters, most widely known for this tobacco juice stained beard and bloodshot eyes, will preface his reading with a creative workshop, which WIllinclude push-ups, squat thrusts, a game of tag, an S&M encounter session, and a slide presentation dealing with the x-rays of Rod McKuen's throat and his subsequent genital disorder. For his reading, McPheeters will deal with some of his most recent workas well as his earliest, choosing selections from The Sad Enema 11956),Song of the Whaling Pygmy (1959). Love Never Forgets a Long Dislanee Call Collect( 1966), and An Eviction Notice From God (1972). An effervescent and willy speaker, McPheeters has met with great success at the colleges and girls' reformatories he has visited. Though he frequently forgets to bring his selected readings on his tours, he has always managed to captivate his audiences with tasteless stories about the women he has known, and the religious leaders he 'would liketo see dead. or his infantile routine in which he dresses as a streetwalker and taunts members of his audience into coming onstage and smear his knees an~ shoulders with aftershave lotion. Anyone interested in more information on the McPheeters reading can contact Steve Lannsky of the Physical Plant at extension 0030. it. While we were at it, we came (and how!) across the following clipping protruding from my drawers: WASHINGTON, D&C (Associated Phress) - TheSecretary of Labor announced today that three new positions-in Community Action, Affirmative Action, and .Slide-bolt Action- . were being-budgeted for the next three consecutive trimester periods. Al cumers (preferably E.Z.· has male) are welcome to apply. Whatever skills applicants possess will be analyzed according to the following criteria: 1) Ability to erect the appropriate office spac.e (preferably in 15 minutes);' 2) Discharge orders, without regress, even if it means egg in the face; 3) The guts to back-off from stiff resistance. In other words, to recognize when the backbone of your office staff has gone limp; 4) The determination 10 boldly thrust into new parameters; bango timel Dear Ranger: Allow me to express my latitude in having head the supreme pleasure of reading a 'ver'y Noble PeUarticie. My friend Rubin Jacov and' I had a bang-o: lime skimming through e fl6l 'll J8qWaA0N J86ultHaeJ 30IS)lHYd 3H.L Catalog adds major • problem read Parkside's next catalog is expected to contain the following new major: students who have a problem with deciding what major concentration they wish to seek at Parkside may wish U> seek an undecided major. Requirements for this major will be 120 credits, with no more than three classes in each discipline. Students will be required to take at least 20 credits of independent study and physical education courses to supply them with enough breadth and basic skills. Students must also declare their interest at least seven semesters before they attend Parkside. ';amt Poet Hunyon McPheeters will on December- 29th in WLLC 5) The foresight to abort the mission should preventive precautions suffer undue leakage, causing excessive buildup; and 6) To keep cool .. never squirm while in action. These positions will be open to all Civil, Service examinees scoring above a certain minimum, with minor revisions of the automatic point award system made such that specific disabilities won't be good for shit! , Rubin and I thought -your readers might enjoy this little bureaucratic P.R. emission. What-a thrill it would be if a Parkside grad were selected. to fill just one of these openingsplush office and all! This seems unlikely, for it's usually the case that a position of such potency is filled. with someone from a more established institution, like Havhard. Tsk. Parkside students get all the hard knocks. Yours in levity, E.Z. Cwnmings. May Rain Corps re-founded ist Mate: Say, sweety! You rang? J.P.J.: How many times must Itell you, sir, that I am your captain, oot-your sweety!?! Really. you do take your title too seriously! 1st Mate: Well, at least. sornebody's serious here! Join the navy and see the world, my ass! Ididn't think it meant painting an atlas on the ship's deck. J.P.J.: Bitch, bitch, bitch! What'd ya expect, a free college education? Now, I called you here to discuss those roudy men in the masts. They have much too much time on ·their hands. 1st. Mate: Nice alliteration, sir, and yes, I know. They've been using the National Ensi&" for target practice again. J.P.J.: What!? Those sharpshooters have been taking pot shots at our flag? ! 1st Mate: No, sir,-notthe flag. The new ensign from Philly. He's been complaining that his braid is becoming [raid from their musket ~ire. J.P.J.: Nice alliteration. But that's what) mean! Those leather heads ... 1st Mate: Leather necks, sir. J.P.J.: What? Oh, yeh, leather necks. They have too much time on their hands. What can we do? 1st Mate: Maybe if they were organized. into. a fighting group it would help. J.P ..I. How would that help? / 1st Mate: Well, sir, we could teach them how to peel _ spuds and mop the floor. J.P.J.: Swab the deck. 'st Mate: I'll get right on it, sir. Cunt. un fJH/;!" Ii Btson-tenuial MiD;utes a one act play by jeffrey j. swencki Dateline, November 9-10,1775 Two hundred and one yMrs ago a little known but in-famous event took place somewhere east 01 Obscene, Wisconsin, which was' to be lost in the anals of history. It went something like this. Act I., Scene INovember 9,1775 John Paul Jones is approached. by his FirstMate ... at Parkside room D-107. Raw lust loathed To the Editor: I think something should be done about the raw sex that goes on down the Main Street of Parkside. It is utterly disgusting to be walking along and seeing on everyone of those couches at least two people in reclining positions, It's very embarrassing for people like me to cast my eyes upon this outrageous activity. On top of all that, I blush easily. It is also very contagious. First one couch is filled with intimate lovers and then pretty soon all the couches are full of the deadly lust. I strongly believe that something should be done about this abhorring situauon. There are never any couches open when it comes around to my turn with my leverfor the day' I feel I have just as much right to the couches as the others who fill them day after day and hour after hour! t.uve and Kisses, Susie Cream Cheese r-ont. 011 pn~f" 8 The Movie Scene by Angel Ramier ea For the next month an a half, the film industry will be excreting its holiday blockbusters onto big silver screens around the country. Squeezed from the bowels of motion picture companies' largest budgets, most prestigious directors, and biggest stars, they will splash across billboards, T.V. screens, magazine and newspaper features, and filmed "coming attractions" in competitive, dazzling and sometimes tasteless publicity campaigns. Saved [or those last weeks before the deadline for 1976Academy Award consideration they are the efforts of canny studio heads who are out to grab a percentage of movie goers' Christmas bonus checks. In some cases, an over-blown blockbuster manages to barely pass wind. and a studio may have to work like hyper banshees to get out of the red by next Christmas. Here is a run-down of the holiday fare for those with discriminating tastes: Cough at the Devil- A handsome. wordly circus clown throws up on a young girl at a childrens' hospital and is disgraced. He goes to Africa, where he finds work as a tap dancer's understudy in a traveling Zulu repertory company. After falling in love with a gazelle, he rents an abandoned gravel plant and sets up a business manufacturing quicksand. Overacted by Andy Griffith and Connie Stevens, the film stumbles through a predictable script. At least the gazelle had a nice tush. The Last Lug Wrench - Despite George C. Scott's sensitive, commanding performance as an almost totally paralyzed plumber, this film wanders between themes of lonely lasciviousness and dental hygiene. The story concerns Buford Davis (Stott), a plwnber incapacitated from the neck down due to a childhood accident. Though fully capable at his job - he fixes toilets and drain pipes by holding tools in his mouth - he must face a shattering dilemma. He needs false teeth. The film climaxes when Davis, head-strong and persistant, is on his back making a delicate adjustment under a garbage disposal, a plyer • in his gums, when he gets a runny nose. Whining and squirming, Scott manages to convey the rough persistence of a despera te man, with insightful determination, against a world gone limp. Never a Dull.Hemorrhage • The world goes topsy-turvy in this mad farce about a crack emergency room team in a Nel! York hospital. Though the plot has some familiar overtones, th~ breakneck pace and superb acting, most notably Ernest Borgnine as a wacky, profane orderly, and Ed McMahon as "Bump" the sadistic nurse, stand by themselves. Though the movie may be almost nauseatingly bloodthirsty in parts f Director Richard Lester was actually able U> get several fresh c0rpses to use in his train wreck and university bombing scenes), it is a delight to watch, and will most certainly be a memorable distraction during the holiday season. Poet to read by Ludwig von Scheutz Poet Bunyon McPheeters will present a workshop and reading at Parkside on W_ednesday, December 29 from 3-3:18 p.m. in the Wyllie Library-Learning Center Room D-107. The event is free and open to the general p~li_c who ~re between the ages of twenty-seven and fortY,-three and will admit to ever having had scaly patches on their abdomens. · McPheeters, most widely known for this tobacco juice stained beard and bloodshot eyes, will preface his reading with a creative workshop which will include push-ups, squat thrusts, a game of tag an S&M encounter session, and a slide presentation dealing with th~ x-rays of Rod McKuen's throat and his subsequent genital disorder. For his reading, McPheeters will deal with some of his most recent work as well as his earliest, choosing selections from The Sad Enema ( 1956), Song of the Whaling Pygmy ( 1959). Love Never Forgets a Long Distance Call Collect ( 1966), and An Eviction Notice From God ( 1972). t 9L6l 'Ll JaqWiMON Ja6ue~aa 301S>t~'ld 3H.l Catalog adds • maJor problem Parkside's next catalog is expected to contain the following new major: Students who have a problem with deciding what major concentration they wish to s k at Parkside may wish to seek an undecided major. Requirements for this major will be 120 credits, with no more than three classes in each discipline. Students will be required t.o take at lea t 20 credits of independent study and physical education cour s to supply them with enough breadth and basic skills. An effervescent and witty speaker, McPheeters has met with great success at the colleges and girls' reformatories he has visited. Though he frequently forgets to bring his selected readings on his tours, he has always managed to captivate his alldiences with tasteless stories about the women he has known, and the religious leaders he would liketo see dead, or his infantile routine in which he dresses as a streetwalker and taunts members of his audience into coming onstage and smear his knees an~ shoulders with aftershave lotion. Anyone interested in more information on the McPheeters reading can contact Steve Lannsky of the Physical Plant at extension 0030. Poet Bun_ on Mc Pheeteri,, ~ ill read 'ot Pork~ide on Decembt>r 29th m WLLC room D-107. Students must also declar their interest at least seven semesters before they attend Parkside. E.Z. has bango time! DPar Ranger: Allow me to express my latitude in having head the supreme pleasure of reading a ·ver'y Noble Pellarticle. My friend Rubin Jacov and I had a bang--0 ! time skimming through it. While we were at it, we came ( and how!) across the following clipping protruding from my drawers: WASHINGTON , D&C ( Associated Phress) - The Secretary of Labor announced today that three new positions-in Community Action, Affirmative Action, and Slide-bolt Acuon- . were being budgeted for the next three consecutive trimester periods. Al cumers ( preferably male) are welcome to apply. Whatever skills applicants possess will be analyzed according to the following criteria: 1) Ability to erect the appropriate office spac.e (preferably in 15 minutes); 2) Discharge orders, without regress, even if it means egg in the face; 3) The guts to back-off from stiff resistance. In other words, to recognize when the backbone of your office staff has gone limp; 4) The determination lo boldly thrust into new parameters; 5) The foresight to abort the mission should preventive precautions suffer undue leakage, causing excessive buildup; and 6 J To keep cool - never squirm while in action. These positions will be open to all Civil Service examinees scoring above a certain mirumum, with minor revisions of the automatic point award system made such that specific disabilities won't be good for shit! Rubin and I thought your readers might enjoy this little bureaucratic P.R. emission. What -a thrill it would be if a Parkside grad were selected to fill just one of these openingsplush office and all! This seems unlikely, for it's usually the case that a position of such potency is filled with someone from a more established institution, like Havhard. Tsk. Parkside students get all the hard knocks. Yours in levity. E.Z. Cummings. May Rain Corps re-founded Bison-tenuial Minutes a one act play by jeffrey j. swencki Dateline, November 9-10, 1775 Two hundred and one years ago a little known but in-famous event took place somewhere east of Obscene, Wisconsin, which was·to be lost in the anals of history. It went something like this. Act I., Scene I. November 9, 1775 John Paul Jones is approached, by his First Mate ... 1st Mate: Say, sweety! You rang? J.P.J.: How many times must I tell you, sir, that I am your captain, nof your sweety ! ? ! Really, you do take your title too seriously! 1st Mate : Well, at least somebody's serious here ! Join the navy and see the world, my ass! I didn't tl'Jnk it meant painting an atlas on the ship's deck. J.P.J.: Bitch, bitch, bitch! What'd ya expect, a free college education? Now, I called you here to discuss those roudy men in the masts. They have much too much time on ·their hands. 1st. Mate: Nice alliteration, sir, and yes, I know. They've_ been using the National Ensign for target practice again. J. p .J.: What!? Those sharpshooters have been taking pot shots at our flag?! 1st Mate : No, sir, not the flag. The new ensign from Philly. He's been complaining that his braid is becoming £raid from their musket fire. J .P .J.: Nice alliteration. But that's what _I mean! Those leather heads ... 1st Mate: Leather necks, sir. J.P.J.: What? Oh, yeh, leathe: necks. They have too much time on their hands. What can we do? 1st Mate: Maybe if they were organized into a fighting group it would. help. J.P .. J. Ho" would that help? 1 1st Mate: Well, sir, we could teach them how to peel spuds and mop the floor. J.P.J.: Swab the deck. 1st Mate: I'll get right on it, sir. Conl. on pu~t· K Raw lust loathed • To the Editor: ·1 think something should be done about the raw sex that goes on down the Main Street of Parkside. It is utterly disgusting to be walking along and seeing on everyone of those couches at least two people in reclining positio:is. It's very embarrassing for people like me to cast my eyes upon this outrageous activity. On top of all that, I blush easily. It is also very contagious. First one couch is filled with intimate lovers and then pretty soon all the couches are full of the deadly lust. I strongly believe th t sc,mething should be done about this abhorring ituation. Th re are never any couches open when it comes around to my turn with my iover for the day! I feel I ha,.. • just a,; much right to the couch - as the others who fill them day after day and hour after hour! 1,ove and Ki es, Susie Cream Cheese ........ OIi pUJ!I' H The Movie Scene by Angel Ramiern For the next month an a half, the film industry \rill bee cretin its holiday blockbusters onto big sil\'er screens around the coun~·. Squeezed fr_om the bowels of motion picture comparue ' larg st budgets, most prestigious directors, and biggest stars, they ~ill splash across billboards, T.V. screens, magazine and newspaper featur , and filmed ··conung attractions" 10 competitive, dazzlin nd sometimes tasteless publicity campaigns. Sa\'ed for those last weeks before the de-adline for 1976 Academy Award consideration they are the efforts of canny tudio h a who are out to grab a percentage of movie goers' Chri tmas bonus chi In some cases, an over-blown blockbuster manages to bar ly pa wind. and a studio may have to work like hyp r ban hee to t out of the red by next Christmas. Here is a run-0own of the holiday fare for tho e with discriminating tastes: Cough at the Dc,·il - A hand ome. wordly circus clown throws up on a young girl at a childrens' hospital and is di raced, H o to Africa, where he finds work as a tap dancer's understudy in a traveling Zulu repertory compan)'. After falling in love with a gazelle, he rents an abandoned gravel plant and ets up a bu ine manufacturin quicksand. Overacted by Andy Griffith and Connie Stevens, the film stumbl through a predictable script. At least the gazelle had a nice tush. The La,;t Lug Wrenrh - Despite George C. Scott's ensitive, commanding performance as an almost totally paralyzed plumber, this film wanders between themes of lonely lasciviousn and dental hygiene. The story concerns Buford Davis (Scott), a plumber incapacitated from the neck down due to a childhood accident. Though fully capable at his job - he fixes toilets and drain pipes by holding tools in his mouth - he must face a shattering dilemma. He needs false teeth. The film climaxes when Davis, head-strong and persistant, is on his back making a delicate adjustment under a garbage disposal, a plyer • in his gums, when he gets a runny nose. Whining and squirming, Scott manages to convey the rough persistence of a desperate man, with insightful determination, against a world gone limp. Never a Dull Hemorrhage - The world goes topsy-turvy in this mad farce about a crack emergency room team in a Ne'! York hospital. Though the plot has some familiar overtones, th~ breakneck pace and superb acting, most notably Ernest Borgnine as a wacky, profane orderly, and Ed McMahon as "Bump" the sadistic nurse, stand b themselves. Though the movie may be almost nauseatingly bloodthirsty in parts t Director Richard Lester was actually able to get several fresh corpses to use in his train \\>Teck and university bombing scenes), it is a delight to watch, and will most certainly be a memorable distraction during the holiday season. fl61 'll ~aqW"AONH30NVH&(J 30IS>lHVd 3H.1 ~ Doctor: Rain? Not today. S.N.: No Marines. You know, arrah ..,forget it. SceneY. Sam returns to Tu.JVTavern on crutches. could see a nice tanKardof ale about oow! Ah, Tun Tavern! I'll just bop in here and quaff a quick one. Hunun, nice alliteration! (to Bartender) Bartend, I'll have a pint or ale, please. Say, yo~ haven't seen any Marines around here, have you. Bortend: Nah, it ain't gonna rain. Here's your brew bud. S.N.: Nice alliteration, but ,I said Marines, not may rain. Bortend: Who, what? S.N.: You know, Arrah arrah, gung ho.... oh, hell! Jobn Wayne! Bortend: Oh, Marines! Nah, just a few good men who want to fight. They're all around. S.N.: How can you tell? It-looks pretty peaceful. Bortend: Try God save the you-koow-who. S.N.: Who, John Wayne? _ Bartend: No, nerd, the king! You must be an officer! S.N.:{;()DSAYE THE KING!!! AHH!!! HELP!!! . Sceue iV. S.N.: Thanks, doc. You sure I won't get /3bies, tetanus, or-get wierd during the full moon. Those are pretty nasty bites! Doctor: No, you're okay. You'd best stay away from wild dog packs. They can be real ~ean. S.N.: They were Marines. Doctor: Rain? Not today. . S.N.: No Marines. You know, arrah ...forget It. Scene IV. S.N.: Thanks, doc. You sure I won't get rabies, tetanus, or get wierdduring the full moon? Those are pretty nasty bites! Doctor: No, you're okay. You'd best stay away from wild dog packs. They can be real mean. S.N: They were Marine.s. rUlit. (ruIn flair ':' J.P.J.: Not you. the Marines! lSI Mate: It's not going to rain, sir. .t P.J.: Not may r$in! Marine! 1st Mate: Who, what? J.P:J.: You know, arrah arrah, gung ho, take the hill! Guard the embassy, first to ftght, Semper Fidelis, Halls of Montazuma, Shores of Tripoli! lSI Mate: Who, what? J.P.J.: John Wayne!!! lSI Mate: Dh, Marines! I'll get someone on it right away. Seenen. First Mate meets with Samual Nickolas. lSI Mate: ...so that's our problem. We want you to organl2e them into a fighting force. S.N.: But why me? I know nothing of naval , pr·'. ~..res. Besides, my hair's too short. 1st: Mate: Perfect! S.N.: What's in it for me, anyway? lSI Mate: Marine Captain's bars. . S.N.: I could dig being a captain '8nd. ~g my own pub but why'd you say It may ram. 1st Mate: Not may rain! Marine! You know, arrah arrah, gung bo, take the hill! Guard the embassy, first to fight, Semper Fidelis, Halls of Montazuma, Shores of Tripoli! S.N.: Who, what? 1st Mate: John Wayne! S.N.: Oh,Marines! l'UseewhatI can dig up. Scene ill. November 10,1775 Sam is walking the streets of Philadelphia .. arching out a few good men who want to fi£ht. S. .: (to selfl I've been humping these streets for hours. Where are the Marines when you need them~ I'll bet they're all out at the bars. Yeh, I S.N.: (to bartender) Thanks, pal! Why didn't YllQ warn me? ' Bortend: I lost five bucks on the Army-Navy 88Ille last week. Army won! S.N.: (to patrons) All right, you few good men who want to fight, who'll be the first 10 sign up and help initiate the greatest fighting force in history. Who will defend to the death life'"l.iberty and pursuit of happiness? Who will begin thl\!ong . of proud patriots who will win wars, buy bonds, and be always faithful to freedom? Who wanta lb annihilate the antagonists ot America? Group: Do we get a free college education too? S.N.: (to Bartend) What went wrong? Bortend: Nice alliteration, bad recruiting. Watch .this. FREE ALE TD AL4MARINES!!! S.N.: AHH!!! HELP!!! Bortend: How's that? S.N.: Gr~t, thanks! Hey, what's your name and who the Hell are all these men? Bortend: I'm Robert Mullens and this is the Continental Congress. S.N.: Well, Bob, you're now Captain Mullens, the first Marine Corps recruiter. Bortend: Oh? And I take it you are Captain Samual Nickolas, the first Marine Corps Commandant? S.N.: Yeh, painfully correct! (to man at the bar) Private, could you please remove your boot from my throat? And that's the way it was, two-hundred~and-oDe years ago last week! r-unt. Fr-om puge 7 Johns iibed , Dear People: You know, I get kind of mad whenever I go to the john and \,have to sit in those damn white, sterile, naked stalls. You may not know this but in this whole stinking building, the only place a guy can get any rest and peace is in the can. I see to it that I put in three or four hours every day. It's great, and personally, I like the old johns in Greenquist rather than some of those bowls they've got in the newer ones that are six feet off the ground. You know what I mean. I come away from dangling on those things with a .. crease right where the sur. don't ~ shine . .; ----------------, ;i PREVENTS I ~I PABpresents Wednesday, NOVembe:17 (as usual) I Free Lecture: sponsered by Pre-Law Club: "Fixing tickets" Art or I Craft I I I Anyway, I was just wonde~ who I could see about getting a couple posters hung up. You know, an Alice Cooper or the Stones, or Bowie. I don't knO\ll what the girls would. want. Wen, how ahout it? Hey, and maybe some magazines or comic books, or a six-pack! Maybe somebody could install an eight-track, you know? Think it over. Hey, and call me. I've got a water bed you might be interested in using. Yours, Arthur Bunpbuccer ll're tler crippled Judd GutzbUl!t grapples Elmer Hassen oeiology professor in a 13-0 march. to the mat, pinning the Thursday t November 18 by world-wide travellers (Parkside Shuttle ~ Wrestlers open season Travel Lecture: Drivers) PAB Presents: "The-we-advertise-in-toilets-movie" Down The Drain I at 7 p.m. at Union _ I I . Friday, Novemher 19 I IConcert: featuring the one, the only, fantastic ......... PAB does il Iagain! . I Pre·Thanksgiving Turkety Shoot: Contestants must supply weapons.I I Parkside faculty supplies turkeys. I _ Saturday, November 20 I IOutdoor Track Meet: UW-Parkside Streakers v. Petrifying Springs I IPark County Sheri~ at 4:00. I I Sunday, Novemher21 I Parkside Physical Plant Rummage Sale: 12.to 6 p.m. Items for sale I IInclude one slightly used Union Bldg., Classroom Bldg., slightly ~~~--------------j by Huty Cosell januned a size lwelve set of gal! deats into my face. " Cutting a triple-threat swath into the fans in record time, the wrestlers were able to find most of the faculty members in the stands and drag them down to the mats where they held grudge matches. Despite an unfair advantage on the part of the wrestlers· eight on one - the lans seemed receptive to the polished new look of the Ranger team. "II was really im!X'essive," remarked junior Amy Rancum. "Just watching all those straining, sweating bodies, lllrashing and undulating; hard flesh and knotted muscle struggling in grim, brutish animal strength. II was beautiful!" Final ta1lies showed Bill Lockahaw, a Parkside senior, leading in points with eleven pins againsl five English instructors, three Physics professors, lwo librarians, and a Psychology professor. Harold Leeth was second in reaching the points with eight pins. He confined himsIef to faculty members of the ecooomics departments. Despite the criticism Lungfekker received on his team's new "techniques" following the game, he trushed it off with typical Whimsy. "Some punk redneck is always sticking his face out When something new like this comes along. I've got a winning team and that's all that counts." If Coach Amo Lunglekker's enthusiasm is any indication, Parkside wrest11ng fans can e:q>ect a .... ason they'll never forget" from the UW-P grappling SOIJ8d ''This team has something apodal," Lungfetker exclaimed during a break in practice last Thunday. "I've been waiting to coach a crack squad like this since the war." After watching the sixteen hour practice, and FrIday night's _/lOOn match against Carthage, it is doubtful if anyone could refnte Lungfekker's conunent. Having scrapped their usual lightweight togs for shoulder pads, hmberjack boots, chain mall, and crash helmets, the Ranger team stormed into the Carthage Fieldhouse like a troop of psychopathic sunural, brandJ.shlng riot clubs. Within a moment they had savapiy attacked the opposing team, who had been caught In III1SUSpeClingsurprise, and beaten them 5O... less. After loading the UIlCOOlICious Carthaginians into a waiting van which immediately left for Butte, Montana, the Parkslde grapplers formed an imposlnIJ dragnet artlUnd the East bleachers and pressed In on the crowd. As one fan, John Ortbbcn, 21,e<>mmented: "I thought it was a jote untII one of lhoe6 apes said. 'Suck 011this, pinko worm; and Team loses again by P.J. Sampson had the same problem since sununer workouts began last July. II gets pretty frustratinll drawing diagrams for an empty room." The Rangers will face • UW-Eau Claire in their next game here at the yet un' discovered Ranger stadIUm. " The Ranger football team lost ita 8th straight game on a forfeit last Saturday, this time to uwWhitewater. When asked Why the team refused to show up at the games, C~ch Coeb.-e2th r~plicd, "We'~'e 9t6l 'll .taqwaAON ~39NV~acJ 30lS>t~Vd 3Hl. l> Doctor: Rain? Not today. rnnt. (null pK~f" 7 J.P.J.: • ·ot you, the Marines! 1 t 1ate : It's not going to rain, sir. .1 P • .:.: • ·ot may rain! Marine! l t Mate: Who, what? could see a nice ianKardof ale about now! Ah, Tun Tavern! I'll just bop in here and quaff a quick one. Hwnm, nice alliteration! (to Bartender) Bartend, I'll have a pint or ale, please. Say, yo~ haven't seen any Marines around here, have you. s.N.: No Marines. You know, arrah ... forget it. SceneV. Sam returns to Tu,Jl"Tavern on crutches. S.N.: (to bartender) Thanks, pal! Why didn't you J.P:J.: You know, arrah arrah, gung ho, take the hill! Guard the embassy, first to fight, Semper Fidelis, Halls of Montazwna, Shores of Tripoli! 1st Mate: Who, what? Bartend: Nah, it ain't gonna rain. Here's your brew bud. S.N.: Nice alliteration, but ,I said Marines, not may rain. warn me? · Bartend: I lost five bucks on the Army-Navy game last week. Army won! s.N.: (to patrons) All right, you few good men who want to fight, who'll be the first to sign up and help initiate the greatest fighting force in history? Who will defend to the death life"liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Who will begin the long line of proud patriots who will win wars, buy bonds, and be always faithful to freedom? Who wants to annihilate the antagonists of America? J.P.J.: John Wayne!!! Bartend: Who, what? 1st Mate: Oh, Marines! I'll get someone on it right S.N.: You know, Arrah arrah, gung ho .... oh, hell! away. Scene Il. First Mate meets with Samual Nickolas. John Wayne! Bartend: Oh, Marines! Nah, just a few good men who want to fight. They're all around. 1st Mate: ... so that's our problem. We want you to organize them into a fighting force. s.N.: But why me? I know nothing of naval , pr-"~ ~ .. res. Besides, my hair s too short. S.N.: How can you tell? It looks pretty peaceful. Bartend: Try God save the you-know-who. S.N.: Who, John Wayne? _ Group: Do we get a free college education too? s.N.: (to Bartend) What went wrong? Bartend: No, nerd, the king! You must be an of1 t: Mate: Perfect! ' · What's in it for me, anyway? ficer! S.N.:-GOD SAVE THE KING!!! AHH! ! ! HELP!!! • SC.t'Ut! i\r'. Bartend: Nice alliteration, bad recruiting. Watch , this. FREE ALE TO ALL 1 1 MARINES! ! ! ·~ Mate: Marine Captain's bars. . s. ·.: I could dig being a captain and owmng my own pub, but why'd you say it may rain? 1 t fate: Not may rain! Marine! You know, arrah rrah, ng ho, take the hill! Guard the embassy, fir t to fight, Semper Fidelis, Halls of Mont zuma , Shores of Tripoli! s.N.: Thanks, doc. You sure I won't get /abies, tetanus, or-get wierd during the full moon . Those are pretty nasty bites! S.N.: AHH!!! HELP!!! Bartend:. How's that? s.N.: Great, thanks! Hey, what's your name and who the Hell are all these men? , s .. ·.: Who, what? 1 t Mate : John Wayne! .• '.: Oh.Marine·.! I'll see what I can dig up. eene 111. oYember 10, 1775 Doctor: No, you're okay. You'd best stay away from wild dog packs. They can be real mean. S.N.: They were Marines. Doctor : Rain? Not today. S.N.: No Marines. You know, arrah ... forget it. Scene IV . Bartend: I'm Robert Mullens and this is the Continental CQngress. s.N.: Well, Bob, you're now Captain Mullens, the first Marine Corps recruiter. m i walking the streets of Philadelphia arching out a few good men who want~ fight. s .• ·.: (to self) I've been hwnping these streets for hour . Wher are the Marines when you need them? I'll bet they're all out at the bars. Yeh, I S.N.: Thanks, doc. You sure I won't get rabies, tetanus, or get wierd,during the full moon? Those are pretty nasty bites! Doctor: No, you're okay. You'd best stay away from wild dog packs. They can be real mean. S.N : They were Marines. Bartend: Oh? And I take it you are Captain Samual Nickolas, the first Marine Corps Commandant? s.N.: Yeh, painfully correct! (to man at the bar) Private, could you please remove your boot from my throat? And that's the way it was, two-hundred-and-one years ago last week! t·ont. from pu!!e 7 Johns iibed Dear People: You know, I get kind of mad whenever I go to the john and have to sit in those damn white, sterile, naked stalls. You may not know this but in this whole stinking building, the only place a guy can get any rest and peace is in the can. I see to it that I put in three or four hours every day. It's great, and personally, I like the old johns in Greenquist rather than some of those bowls they've got in the newer ones that are six feet off the ground. You know what I mean. I come away from dangling on those things with a ~ crease right where the sun don't t shine. Anyway, I was just wondering who I could see about getting a ·couple posters hung up. You Jcnow, ah Alice Cooper or the Stones, or Bowie. I don't know what the girls would. want. Well, how about it? Hey, and maybe some magazines or comic books, or a six-pack ! Maybe somebody could install an eight-track, you know? Think it over. Hey, and call me. I've got a water bed you might be interested in using. Yours, Arthur Bunphuccer -" ~~..-..~~~~~~~~...-.~~~~, !! PREVENTS I 0 e f :: Wednes_day, November 17 I re tier Judd Gutzbust grapple · Elmer Hassen to the mat. pinning the t·rippl d oC'iolog} proft- . or in a 13-0 match. ' t ;~~ r:::;!:. ~ponsereci ·b~- P;~-~~ -ci~i/ ;,Fi,tl~g .ii~k~::.~ ~~~a~; I Craft Wrestlers open season by Hanky Cos~ll If Coach Arno Lungfekker's enthusiasm is any ndication, Parkside wrestling fans can expect a ason they'll never forget" from the UW-P grappling 5411ad. "This team has something cial," Lu.ngfekker exclaimed during a break in practice la t Thursday. "I've been waiting to coach a crack squad like this since the war." After atching the sixteen hour practice, and Friday night's pre-season match against Carthage, it doubtful if anyone could refute Lungfekker's comm nt. Having scrapped their usual lightweight togs for shoulder pads, lumberjack boots, chain mail, and crash helmets, the Ranger team stormed into the rth e Fieldhouse like a troop of psychopathic samurai, brandishing riot clubs. Within a moment they had savagely attacked the opposing team, who had been caught In unsuspecting surprise, and beaten them senseless. After lo ding the unconscious Carthaginians into a waiting van which immediately left for Butte, ontana, the Parkside grapplers formed an imposing dragnet around the East bleachers and pre in on the crowd . one fan, John Orthbon, 21 , comm nted: " I thought it was a joke until one of th pes id, •suck on this, pinko worm; and jammed a size twelve set of gulf _cleats into my face." Cutting a triple-threat swath into the fans in record time, the wrestlers were able to find most of the faculty members in the stands and drag them down to the mats where they held grudge matches. Despite an unfair advantage on the part of the wrestlers • eight on one • the fans seemed receptive to the polished new look of the Ranger team. "It was really impressive," remarked junior Amy Rancum. "Just watching all those straining, sweating bodies, thrashing and undulating; hard flesh and knotted muscle struggling in grim, brutish animal strength. It was beautiful!" Final tallies showed Biff Lockshaw, a Parkside senior, leading in points with eleven pins against five English instructors, three Physics professors, two librarians, and a Psychology professor. Harold Leeth was second in reaching the points with eight pins. He confined himslef to faculty members of the economics departments. Despite the criticism Lungfekker received on his team's new "techniques" following the game, he brushed it off with typical whimsy. "Some punk redneck is always sticking his face out when something new like this comes along. I've got a winning team and that's all that counts." t t t t t Thursday, November 18 Travel Lecture: by world-wide travellers ( Parkside Drivers) PAB Presents: "The-we-advertise-in-toilets-movie" Down The Drain f at 7 p.m. at Union - t Friday, November 19 I Concert: featuring the one, the only, fantastic ......... PAB does it t again! · t Pre-Thanksgiving Turkety Shoot: Contestants must supply weapons., f Parkside faculty supplies turkeys. t . Saturday, November 20 I f Outdoor Track Meet: UW-Parkside Streakers v. Petrifying Springs l I Park County Sheri~ at 4:00. f f Sunday, November 21 f ~arkside Phys~cal Plant Rummage Sale: 12. to 6 p.m. Items fo'. sale t f mclude one slightly used Union Bldg., Classroom Bldg., slightly l damaged. - j ~~~~~~~~~~~--~~~~ Team loses again by P .J. Sampson The Ranger football team lost its 8th straight game on a forfeit last Saturday, this time to UWWhitewater. When asked why the team refused to show up at the games, Co:::ch Coc!b:e::!th r~plic1, "We've had the same problem si.m::e summer workouts began I~st July. It gets pretty frustrating drawing diagrams for an empty room." The Rangers will face UW-Eau Claire in their next game t un· here at the ye discovered Ranger Stadium. Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Parkside DeRanger, Volume V, issue 10, November 17, 1977 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1977-11-17 Type The nature or genre of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPAC124_19761117_DeRanger.pdf satire