https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/bbb0753cd8ff96181335f667c122e9b7.pdf 53e1d877fb780c804741821ec2bd38fd Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Ronnie topic of public forum Issue Volume 8, issue 25 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document f Utellum Correspondence School Nothing that is contained in this issue of the Stranger is intended to be factual. All names, pictures, and references to real people are purposely coincidental. However, if you wish to take anything in this issue seriously, that is your own damn problem and since we are printing this disclaimer you ugly people out there can't do a thing to us, you bunch of morons. Day 5,789 of Iranian Crisis ranger Vol. 1 - No. V2 Ronnie topic of public forum A public forum discussing the stupidity of Ronald Reagan, the top Republican candidate for the presidential nomination, will be held tonight at 7 p. m. in Comm. Arts Theater. The forum, entitled "Is Ronald Reagan Really That Dum or Is He Just a Good Actor?," is expected to bring to the public's attention the many banal and asinine comments the candidate has made. The panel includes Jerry Ford and Barbara Timm, who know how to be highly stupid, and Mohammad Ali and Farrah Fawcett, who have bad acting down to an art. One point that will probably be brought up throughout the forum is Reagan's habit of q uoting facts and figures from the numerous newspapers and magazines he reads on the campaign trail. That's how the star of "Bedtime for Bonzo" attributed his repeated blunder of "Alaska alone has a greater oil reserve than Saudi Arabia." It doesn't really matter that Saudi Arabia has 18 times as much oil as. Alaska because Reagan read otherwise in the National Enquirer or Star or some other reputable publication. Another good Reagan - witicism is his response to the Three Mile Island incident. "The accident in Pennsylvania showed how well nuclear systems work despite human errors," the one - time California governor said. The fact that Reagan has only been an actor, baseball radio announcer and state governor, has caused some people to wonder about Reagan's handling of foreign policy. But one Reagan press release tried to brag about the 17 trips abroad the candidate has made in his political career. Reagan, the press release says, met "the King of S iam" in 1971. The release must have meant that he met Yul Brynner because Siam changed its name to Thailand in 1939. But many voters feel presidents don't have to pay too much attention to countries such as Siam/Thailand, so Reagan's lack of knowledge isn't important when voting for President. It doesn't even matter that Reagan can't place the name of France's President Giscard d' Estang. "Who's heard of France anyway?" will most likely be the argument of s ome of the forum's panelists. "He doesn't know any better," admitted one of Reagan's aides, "because he's a fool. But that's one of h is strengths — the people, overall, are fools and of course they want one like themselves to lead us into the future." People have their chance tonight to hear both sides and then decide for themselves. The forum will only last two hours due to the unlimited examples of Reagan's stupidity, something he himself has admitted to. "Sure, I'm dumb," Reagan once said, "but I believe the people are even more stupider." Orange Room INCOMING FRESHMEN will be fully initiated into the customs of the university when given a full tour of the campus. One of the highlights of the tour is the Orange Room, one of this institution's oldest traditions. THIS IS IT INSIDE • • • Lungs. . . nexi tu tlic heart Heart. . . next to the lungs Gonads. . . a new punk group? W\AAAAA#%AA#%A»»AA#*AAA#*#% Security tries recruiting A SECURITY OFFICER snags a prime candidate for the force as recruiting begins this week. The Parkside office of Safety and Security has announced that they are in the process of searching for new recruits. Many of the officers that were working for security are no longer employed there for one reason or another. Turmoil within the organization has led to numerous injuries and even a death or two as a result of gunfights in the Tallent Hall office. Security head Don Blinkman pointed the finger at one member of the force, but wouldn't mention her name because as he said, "she scares the piss out of me every time I see her." "She's a real mean sucker," adds Blinkman, "Once one of our supervisors tried to talk to her about always being late and she wrestled him to the floor and got him in a full nelson and bit off both of his ears." This officer has also caused damage to a couple of vehicles used by security. "Any time one of the cars won't start she bites off the tires and throws them through the windshield and then flips the car over." Ever since the Parkside administration allowed the security officers to carry guns there have again been numerous reports of students being shot at for simple traffic violations. Any students caught walking on the grass usually get a warning shot that hits the ground in front of them and then if they don't hurry they generally get a foot shot off. "I just don't know how to control her any more," adds Blinkman. "I think I'm just going to let her have my job just to get her off the streets. Of course I'd sure in the hell hate to work for her. I've had a couple of threats against my body by other officers saying I should get rid of h er. But how the hell do you get rid of something like that without a platoon of Marines? And even that would have to be a volunteer force as many of them would not likely live to tell about it." Anyone wishing to work as a member of security should send a letter to: Death Wish, Box 404, Stranger. —Coming Events— THURSDAY, MAY 8 LECTURE at 11:45 a. m. in Union 106. Professor Andrew McLean will talk on "The poetry of Unionism." The program is free and open to the public. RECITAL by students at 2:00 p. m. in the Union Cinema. The program is free and open to the public. COURSE "Women: Financial Planning" starts at 7 pm in T181. Call ext. 2312 for more details. Sponsored by UW-Extension. FRIDAY, MAY 9 CONCERT at 8:00 p.m. in GR 103 featuring Susan Gulick. The program is free and open to the public. SATURDAY, MAY 10 MOVIE "Every Man for Himself and God Against All: The Myster of Kaspar Hauser" will be shown at 7:30 p. m. in the Union Cinema. Admission at the door is $1.50 and the program is open to the public. Sponsored by the Kinesis Film Series. TUESDAY, MAY 13 SEMINAR "Surviving Divorce" at 7 pm in T181. Call ext. 2312 for more details. Sponsored by UW-Extension. FRIDAY, MAY 18 MOVIE "That's Entertainment" will be shown at 7 :30 pm in the Union Cinema. The movie is open to the public and being sponsored by the Kinesis Film Series. Admission at the door is $1.50. SATURDAY, MAY 17 BUS TOUR "Old World Wisconsin" at 8:30 am. Call ext. 2312 f or reservations. Sponsored by UW-Extension. SUNDAY, MAY 18 COMMENCEMENT at 3 pm in the Physical Education Building. The program is free and open to the public. Editorial Barbara Timm for diplomacy i So, Jimmy Carter has done it again. After Cyrus Vance resigned as Secretary of State, our great fearless leader appointed Senator Ed Muskie to the position. Now what is the peanut vender trying to pull? Does he really think that the people of this esteemed country will believe such an incredible lack of tact and know how? We all know that Muskie has no experience dealing first-hand in foreign affairs, so why was he appointed? It seems that Carter could've found someone to take the position that has the talent and experience necessary to handle this important job. Why take a good Senator from Congress when he knows that there are people more qualified. Who is more qualified? There is one person among us who has proved herself both qualified and competent for this diplomatic position, Barbara Timm. That's right. This woman of the world is really going places. Who else had the guts to talk to the Iranian militants on their own level? Who else is about to stand up for his or her beliefs to the point of disagreeing with our often misguided federal government? I say that Mrs. Timm is quite a lady. She began as a normal U.S. housewife with a patriotic attitude. She even gave her son to Iran to prove that she would give anything for her country? Now is that the kind of of thing a Senator would do? Of course not. All they want is a new office and a pay raise so they can go to all of the Washington parties and hire well-endowed girls for secretaries. What would Barbara Timm do with such a secretary? It's not too late for President Carter to reconsider. He must make sure that the right person is doing the job. But how can we, the U.S. citizens, get him to appoint Barbara Timm to the office? Stranger has found a way — a draft Barbara Timm campaign! We'll not stop at anything to accomplish our goal. Because we believe in truth and the American way, we will fight this 'til the very end, when Mrs. Timm is sitting in Washington D.C. as Secretary of State. If you'd like to contribute to this worthy cause (That's right, it's going to take lots of money!) send a check or money order to: Timm for Diplomacy c/o Stranger Utellem Correspondence School Theyran, Uran Your contribution will be tax deductible, so hurry we don't have much time. We have to start preparing the champaign dinners and parties for the White House staff right away. If you can't, for some formidable reason, send money, start a petition in your neighborhood. The following is what your petition should say: We the undersigned United States citizens give our total and uncompromising support to Mrs. Barbara Timm of Oak Creek, Wisconsin that she may be appointed as Secretary of State for our beautiful country. We believe that she alone is capable of getting the 50 hostages out of Iran through her prayers and communication with the militant students. Again, your speed is important. We must act now! Don't let America be served rotten peanuts again! Letters to the Editor Neighbor tells all To the Editor: Do you remember last week Thursday, Huh? It was about 30 degrees outside and there was a nasty nip to the air. Remember? And the wind was off the lake, real brisk and chilly. You remember. Well, late in the day — after whatever warmth we did get was long gone — I saw something I thought you might be interested in. Because it concerns your staff. I saw one of my neighbors forcing her innocent, helpless child out into the cold evening air in a sKiTt ana scan — notning else. No coat. No hat. No mittens. Not much different than the usual with those people, but this time, it was too pitiful hearing that helpless little 2-year-old scream, "No mommy, NO! Don't make me do it." And her mother, the fiendish bitch, just kept pushing her along with this big pointy stick, while these two shady-looking men, who were her accomplices, I guess, laughed. It was awful. Then they made the poor little kid do all sorts of strange things with a garbage can. When they started taking pictures, I couldn't believe it. I feel like puking just thinking about it. Or maybe it's time for one of my pills. That's the sort of perverted sickos they are, though. I could tell you stories about that household that would curl your hair. Last year, they didn't cut their grass one time for over two weeks. Now I ask you, is that sick or am I ready to take another one of my darling little pills again? They say the woman is some kind of student besides working on a newspaper. A student of what, I'd like to know. I can just about guess. Some of the people I've seen (from my window) going in and out of that pig-sty look kind of funny, too. Stumbling around and muttering garbage about some girl named Mary Jane. I don't even go over there for fear what they have is catchy. Not that I would even lower myself to associate with that kind. Ick! I've just got to have another one of those sweet, lovely, delicious little pills. Be right back. Well, I feel much better. I feel great. But that was my last one. Well, I haven't seen the woman around the last couple of days. Maybe she finally got what was coming to her. I hope so. The last weird thing I saw over there was this big box set out on their front porch for the mailman. Addressed to someplace behind the Iron Curtain, for Pete's sake. It figures. They would know somebody communist. It's funny. I haven't seen the woman around ever since the box disappeared. Well, maybe that man she lives with (I don't believe they're married. None of th at kind is.) finally got fed up with that crazy Women's Libber and had her put someplace where they can teach her to iron and vacuum like the rest of us decent women. But I'm still worried about that poor little girl. I just hope somebody helps her. I can't take it anymore. I'm out of those sweet, darling, delicious, mind-blowing little pills, and I feel like my teeth are going to jump out of my mouth and do a tap dance on the table here, so I better go now. Sincerely, G. Helgeson's neighbor Upset over stolen towel Dear Editor: This is addressed to the halfbrained, syphilitic cretin who so kindly stole my towel while I was showering last week in the Phy-Ed building. I know the world situation sucks, but things are really rotten when you find that some cancerous spawn of a toad has surpassed himself in new lows, mainly by leaving you to drip-dry for two hours before you can get dressed, simply because they didn't have enough common sense to remember their own towels. I hope your genitals rot! Name Withheld, P.S. My doctor says that my body lice should clear up in a few weeks, so if you wake up in bed some morning with a lot of friendly little white creatures trudging through your hair, don't be surprised! Reader disgusted Dear Ms. Editor: (This is not to refer to the editor of any column entitled Ms., but refers to the editor of the newpaper as a Ms.) I wish this letter to be printed for the purpose of attacking all of the disgusting and tasteless stories that you are undoubtedly going to print in this final issue. Knowing that there will be no next issue for people to object to the stories in this issue, I am taking this opportunity to do it. However, by not knowing exactly what kind of mulch you are going to print I cannot attack any specific topic, with the possible exception of your lack of tact and total irresponsibility of the method in which you try so failingly to represent the news; Come to think of it, all that is necessary is to pick up a copy of the April 24th issue of the Ranger and make note of a ll the junk that is enclosed in it. On the very first page is a terrible display of the Ranger's willingness to tout it's own bullshit and who gives a fuck anyway accomplishments. The awards banquet story and picture are prime examples of t his attitude. I noticed right away that the picture printed showed the table in which your useless staff was seated at. Of c ourse these was a photographer at this revered event. Upon opening the issue to page two, I chanced to glance at The Globe at a Glance and I noticed that this was another of the many sections of the paper that are totally ignorable. And again, next to that column is a picture of o ne of the ever so important Ranger sponsored contests, which was probably fixed because I didn't win anything. Moving on I read another apalling bigoted article condemning another race of Gods children. How can you possibly print any of these abhorable racist articles and look yourself in the eye and say you're a true American. Besides, there's only one thing I hate in this world worse than bigots and that is of course Eskimos. Your next page entitled Spring has Sprung is really a leaker. Yours news editor or feature editor, or whoever is responsible for that page, must be a couple pickles short of a jar. Here is a prime example of wasted space — No T & A a nywhere. The classified section of the paper used to be the high point of the paper, if there ever was one. That has really gone downhill since you limited the number of ads per person, thus eliminating all of the meaningful communication between students. As far as the sports section is concerned, it isn't really worth while to comment on such unimportant dribble. Overall, your paper is nothing to be proud of, but it has proven useful for lining my bird cage, paper training my dog, and wrapping my fish. Sincerely yours, X Ranger enjoyed Dear Editor: I have thouroughly enjoyed your past issues of t he Ranger. I found the news very enlightening, the features both humorous and entertaining, and the sports informative and up to date. Rfkgie dkslto yp aksmcer .. . Sorry, they don't let me play with machines like this very often. By the way, what is a Ranger? And what does daylight look like? I have never EDITOR seen it. , Ayatollah Utodoit FEATURE EDITOR, Ayatollah Himtodoit NEWS EDITOR, Ayatollah Hertodoit SPORTS EDITOR, Ayatollah Iwondoit PHOTO EDITOR, Ayatollay Leemeoutadis BUSINESS MANAGER, Ayatollah Moola AD MANAGER, Ayatollah Cashit CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD, Ayatollah Notooelectme PUBLIC RELATIONS, Barbara Timm REPORTERS Alfred Hitchcock, Jimmy Durante, Elvis Presley, Bing Crosby, Judy Garland, Lou Gehrig, Benjamin Franklin, I. M. Dead. Stranger is written and edited by students of the Utellem Correspondence School, Theyran, Uran. It is published every time a W. E. Embassy is overtaken by Mickey Roonie's ex-wives or Liz Taylor's ex - husbands. Letters to the editor will be published if complementary, truthful, and made from letters cut out of magazines pasted on a piece of yellow paper. Stranger reserves the right to execute anyone stupid enough to like our paper. v / TBA presents a CONCERT featuring "TO BE ANNOUNCED" Where: To be announced When: To be announced Admission: To be announced Tickets available at TBA outlets everywhere STRANGER From the Sandbox Annie speaks Shooting Shoelaces People with flapping shoelaces can sigh with relief because Joe Tie was gunned down today by police. Before he was killed. Tie murdered his fiance, yelling, "I had to do it . . . her shoe laces were flapping!" He also wounded three innocent bystanders during the shooting. The irony of it all ... the bystanders weren't wearing any shoes! Dead fly dilemma by A. Helgeson All semester, I've been patient with mother. It's been difficult sometimes, but I knew I would get my chance. And boy, have I got something to say. About mom — or "mommie dearest," as she pinches me into saying. You readers just don't know how hard it is to sit in that cabinet under the sink with all those spiders and mousetraps and Lemon Joy all the time. How did you think she gets her column done, anyway? Did you think she gave me cookies or milk and said, "Go play now sweetie"? Are you kidding? Every week it's "Get under the sink so I can write!" Now t hat you know, what do you think. I know you're supposed to sacrifice for art, but I think that means she should suffer, not me, and that garbage she writes is hardly art, anyway. I tried to tell her that last week as she stuffed my chubby little legs in to the cupboard again, but there's just no reasoning with her. She said, "You're only two, Annie honey, so how do you know?" Then she tied the doors shut and I whimpered. I used to scream. But no matter. I took care of her. After the garbage can fiasco, I determined that I was simply not going to let her tantrums and rages overpower me again. And I feel lots better now. Daddy won't catch on to what I did for a long time. Especially since I promised him a Harley-Davidson XL-1200 out of the deal. Mom never would let him have one. Oh yeah, that reminds me. You know the ad with the really cute little blonde girl and the garbage can? Well, you don't have to send any money to the Ranger if you want to help that poor creature. You can send it all to me and I'll get it to her for them. I'm sure we — I mean she, gets about $6,000 by May 30 or they'll have to send back the motorcy — I mean food and clothes. Addenda to book on etiquette by Ann Landers, co-edited by Rosanne Rosanna Danna Nature requires that unusual things will happen to people from time to time that could prove to be embarassing if not handled with proper etiquette. There are other embarassing incidents, however, that are extremely embarassing no matter how one handles them. These incidents happen to all of us at sometime. In order to show poise and grace, one must be able to handle even the most terrible episodes with care. To be prepared for the worst is to be considered a member of the elite in etiquette circles. Take the following incident as an example: You are at a summer cocktail party at the home of a friend. Because of the warm stuffy weather, the host suggests that the party members migrate to the screened in porch. You follow - your host out of t he house and find yourself a chair near the wall. Your host, noticing that several flies have managed to sneak their way in, picks up a fly swattter and battles the flies. As flies drop everywhere under your host's masterful swatting, you noti ce that one of h is victims has fallen from the wall behind you, landing on your cheek. Of course, it sticks because the swatter smashed it. What should you do? Your first reaction would be to jump up and scream. Don't do it. You have four options that will deliver you gracefully out of this embarassing incident. The first to be considered is this: Cover the fly with a cupped hand, check to see if anyone is watching that may have seen the fly land, and excuse yourself to the lavatory where you can carefully remove it with toilet tissue and wash the area. Your second option is slightly more risky than the first because you won't have the aid of the lavatory mirror. Turn the cheek with the fly away from the other Stranger guests, take a tissue or hankerchief and pretend to blow your nose. In so doing you may remove the insect and camouflage the incident. If you just returned from the lavatory, you may use this option and not have to worry about the host or the other guests asking if s omething you ate didn't agree with you. The third option takes a strong stomach but can be very unnoticable if the fly is positioned correctly on the face. All you have to do here is make a quick whisk of the tongue and swallow the insect, thereby getting the whole incident over as quickly as possible. Uninformed guests will think that it was a crumb from that delicious devil's food cake served earlier. The fourth and final option should be used only if eve ryone in the room witnessed the event and it can't be handled in a discreet manner. Point to the fly, laugh and remark, "Look at this! I may have started a new fad Organic Face Decoration!" In this way -all those present will be relieved that you are able to see humor in such a drastic event. It may also open up a whole new area of dis cussion at an otherwise dull cocktail party! Review 'Little Darlings by JohnW. Gacy What a disappointment! I heard that "Little Darlings" was about two pubescents trying to lose their virginity. That's great! What pissed me off was that it was about GIRLS. Whippy shit! That's no f un. As many people know (myself very much included) nobody cares about young girls with nothing to give away even if they wanted to. Weirdos! That's who cares about queer things like that! And also old war veterans who walk around drooling all over themselves recalling earlier days of watching those European tarts strutting their stuff in war-torn Europe. See what, war does to people?! Hetereosexuals!! It's sickening. "Little Darlings" should star Leif Garrett and Jimmy McNichol instead of Kristy McNichol and Tatum O'Neal. Then I would have even agreed to be executive consultant. I know how Leif and Jimmy should lose their virginity. Ooooh, all sorts of kinky filings. I'd have to refrain from killing them, of course, because the Hollywood executives wouldn't like losing their big-money stars. But I wouldn't mind. With all those other young obys in the film I should be able to bury a few of them in my basement. I'm only trying to start a Youth Foundation in my neighborhood, for Christ Sakes! Since "Little Darlings" was miscast and I wasn't asked to be part of th e production, I could not watch beyond the first ten minutes. I did find two new young friends in the theater after a long, complete search, though. The film is not worth seeing unless you happen to find some meat to bring home. Otherwise, there are better things to do. Tonight I'm going to dress in my clown costume and go see "La Cage Aux Folles" again. That's always fun, but I'd rather see Leif and Jimmy. IS here ***AAAAAAAAA#WAAAAAA#V jjtJRi i!gi IW 8 PA.B. 1 ctaaomaaoKfi (Parkside Actively Bored) presents FREE ALL THE DRUG & SEX YOU CAN HANDLE FEB. 30, 2001 From 5:00 AM TO 5:01 AM Save This Child From Her Mother This child has been under lock and key in a cabinet under a kitchen sink for two (2) semesters. This federation found her minutes after her escape from her home. You can see here the desperation of her circumstances. For only $5 you can have the assorted diapers, cookie crumbs, and broken battery powered toys and this child. You can make a difference in this child and her mother's life if you can act now! Send your cash or credit card (might be returned) to: SAVE THIS CHILD'S MOTHER FEDERATION c/o Ranger Office The Coffee Shoppe Chronicles STRANGER Burglar hunting becoming big sport by Moore On You've heard of the American Sportsman, the "other" type of athlete who ventures into the wild forest and wooded area. He's the big, strong woodsman, the Hunter. He tracks his prey for sport, the challenge being all important. A new type of hunting that is gaining in popularity offers everything that the woodsman encounters. Its called Burglar Hunting. This new form of hunting in your neighborhood that you are going on vacation for several weeks and they shouldn't tell anyone. This will spread the news of your vacation very quickly. After word is out that you are going on vacation, load up a few things in your car to make it appear as if yo u really are going. Drive your car to a predetermined area out of your neighborhood and park it. Then begin the journey back to your house. Most hunters wait until is as challenging and as rewarding, if not more so to the burglar hunter, then to the common hunter. Burglar hunting in simplistic terms is the trapping and liquidation of burglars. To join in the hunt, all a person needs is a large caliber weapon, a house with some valuable material goods such as a portable television set, a stereo unit, large amounts of money laying around, a microwave oven, and so on. This is where the baiting of the burglar begins. If you live in the city (where most hunts do originate) tell the small children dark for their return because it's harder to be recognized and also they are given the chance to play Mugger Hunting. Mugger Hunting is somewhat of a warm-up to Burglar Hunting. When you have finally found your way home, enter through the rear door. This is obvious, but many beginners make the mistake of entering through the front door. U.R. "Killer" Deade, considered an expert Burglar Hunter explained "It's just like any other sport. When you start out you really don't have any concrete experience. And no matter how many of my books you've read, there is nothing like experience. "Going through the front door is a cardinal sin, but after going on a few hunts, the hunter will develop a second sense about things like that and they will come naturally." Next comes the hard part — the waiting. Here the hunter patiently sits, alone, desolate, hoping for a prey. One day passes, then two and eventually even more. Said "Killer", "This is probably the toughest part of the hunt. You're all by yourself with no one around to talk to. Sometimes beginners take a partner along, but when they eliminate their prey, they don't know how to split the kill and this has ruined many friendships. Another thing about the waiting is that you are in the dark all night and in camouflage all day because the curtains are open and you don't want to be spotted. Most hunts take several days because you have to wait for the mailbox to get full and the papers to lay around. An added touch by some hunters is to have milk delivered to their house while they are away. After these things build up for a few days, the burglars will be attracted. Then the real action begins." While the hunter anxiously awaits, he becomes fidgidty, alarmed at every noise he hears, he sometimes starts to imagine things. You have to remember that for days he has had nothing to live on except for the few rations he has stored away. Finally it happens, there is a break-in. A real scum sucking, commie, pinko burglar is entering into your house. "There is only one way to describe the feeling one has when you hear somebne in the house — it's like having an orgasm," Deade explained. At this point, the hunter has the advantage. He knows the layout of his house, and he has the surprise factor in his favor. "I usually let them have the run of the house for about seven minutes before I put a couple of slugs into them. They are still jumpy for the first five minutes and most of them want out after ten minutes. So I help them out after seven minutes." After the Burglar Hunter has won his prey, they used to bury the body behind the garage. Not any more. "John Wayne Gacy has really made things tough on us Burglar Hunters. We can't use our favorite burial grounds anymore. Used to be we blast them and bury them. Now we blast them and mail them. You wouldn't believe how much it costs to mail a burglar. But a Burglar Hunter is in this for relaxation and enjoyment, not for the money," U.R. concluded. If you want to read U.R.'s two books, Burglar Hunting: The New Sport For The Macho Man or Burglar Hunting: How Not To Get Caught, send $9.95 for one or $18.00 for both to: Joliet Federal Penitentiary Joliet, Illinois 60202 Wealthfully yours Surviving water crash by E. Kennedy With all the emphasis on safety and defensive driving, the Stranger figured that students should know just how they would handle themselves in any situation. This week is the first in a series of articles on specific situations that could happen to you at sometime in your life. I mean,=, things like this happen to everybody. It's not so unusual. It could happen that you'd be driving along after a party and a bridge jumps up and throws your car over. You never know. That's why I've formulated this little quiz for you to take, to see if you could survive a car crash in the water. 1. Would you go to the police right away? Yes, No. If so, you've already flunked. 2. Would you tell them the truth? Yes, No. If yes, don't plan a political career. 3. Can you stutter? Y-y-yyes, No, I never tried. 4. How hung up are you on gravity? I always fall down The local radio station head for a weather steps,— uses my balloon. 5. Do you have a fishing license? Yes, No, 1 don't like the worms. 6. Are you a name dropper? Never, Only when my family name will get me somewhere, Of course, my favorite is BeBe Rebozo. 7. If you found a man lying in the gutter with joints stuck in his ears, three gunshot wounds and two knives in this back, would you consider it Suicide, Homicide, Food for the rats. 8. Do you feel paranoid if someone tries to pick you up at a late-night party? Not at all, I'd take the person for a long quiet drive, I don't know, I can't answer now because someone is watching me. 9. How long can you tread water? A h alf a minute, Three hours, Ten years. 10. Have you ever seen "A Bridge Too Far?" Never, Once, Fifteen times. classifieds 1. All paid classifieds must be initialed by a staff member. 2. All classifieds must include social security number and signature of 3. Limit one free classified per person. advertiser. PERSONALS SINCE THIS is our last Ranger don't look for the form. BABY HEAD loves Mr. Potatoe Head! DAVE McL. — What is a love life? Do you know? DAVE — Rejection hurts. DAVE — I h eard jocks are aggressive — what happened? DAVE — only in your dreams. DAVE —6 inches is average . .. Where does 2 place? Below Average DAVE — When God created horny men he didn't have you in mind! DAVE — I've heard of giving second chances - bot 35? DAN — How do you survive? LORILEE — Happy Birthday! Sam & Lady STEVE, I love wasting time with you! Jan PHIL — see you at your graduation party - signed W & W Club MED TECHS make better lovers. HEY PAB — How about a canoe race! PHIL — We need you. Please come. Debbie at Debbie's Escort Service. THE BRIGHTEST Star always shines in the Darkest places, Today, Tomorrow, and hopefully Forever. MOLDY CHOLITA, Te quieres casar conmigo? Seremos muy felices. El Peruano. HEY BUNS — Never tickle me during the Full Moon - Dimples IEH GUYS — Thanks for a good s semester. Love y'all. miK I PHELTA THI RULES OVER the Animals, especially Erica Jensenica. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Glen J., Jon R. and Mike W. Denise DEAN SIVLEY is a definite 10. DAVE — Nice going at Drake. Remember your promise. Love Jill THANK GOD there are wonderful people to make this better. P.V. 105 kicks ASS, Gallow, O'Connell and Spears promise good parties and a 4th roommate whose cool. 1980-81 school year. U.U.C.S. GOES underground for the summer. Have a good one. U.U.C.S. ANNOUNCES honorary members: Refomatsky, Claisen, Jose, Wittig, KilianiFis- er . . . * PHIL, do it to me one more time. Steve THE BEST of lOP's Chain Gang, Anne Elk, TTF follows . . . JACK DUDLEY, Find your files yet? Glad to be gone TINY BUBBLES, in the wine make me feel happy . . . D.H. JUNG, IT sounds like a personal problem. Loren SIGMUND, IS that a structural problem? Jung THE ROUNDTABLE has latent Cobol tendencies. Sigmund Freud HE WHO laughs last missed the joke. LIFE IS but a dream which merely lags reality. LIFE IS but a dream, SH-BOOM, SH-BOOM BUT I'LL cut your socks till the sock cutter comes. I'M NOT a sock cutter, or the sock cutters son. I'VE GOT an itch. Napolean ONLY THE good die young. B.J. BRONTOSAURUSES ARE thin, then thick, then thin again. Anne Elk SALLY SELLS seashells by the seashore. Ten times fast RANGER, WE put in 76 ads. They better be there! DARN RIGHT they are - it won't be as easy next time. STRANGER IS cumming so should you. I AGREE. ME TOO. WINK MARTINDALE Smile-alike contest. Inquire MOLN 117 anytime. lOP's ROUNDTABLE: WAS fun insulting you. See you next year. lOP's LUSCIOUS PEACHES, juicy plums, tasty nectarines, summer bartlett pears. Refreshing! WENCHES FORGET the Blanstens. Join the lOP's. Chain Gang DOES THIS mean I'm logged off? BLANSRENS CRIPPLE Parkside ants and earthworms for practice. Chain Gang A & W Rootbeer has that frosty mug taste. lOP's THANKS, THANKS. All those who signed ads for us. lOP's NIMRODS who didn't sign ads - repent next year! lOP's MALE CADAVERS are incapable of yielding any testimony. EVERYBODY SHOULD skip Data Structures (ACS 340) on Friday DECWRITER BELL ringing party in Mo 117. Inquire CA 120 E. God. REVOLVING LITHIC conglomerates accumulate no congeries of green bryophiticplant SEIZE CAESAR'S scepter. Comm Arts 120 E. Dan G. LEIH DOWN, Leih down, Leih italldown. Bill M. DID YOU know peoples last names are based variables? Leih KVP IN 1996. KVP in 1996. KVP in 1996. lOP's WAKE FOR Pail 8, Shovel Party. "The End' ROUNDTABLE: ABSOLUTE last chance fall off a cliff. lOP's ANIMALS: LAST chance for Monopoly. Friday at 3. lOP's ANIMALS: LAST chance for ITTSTK game. Friday at 1. lOP's ANTI COBOL Club meeting: every day in CA 120E (ask for Tom). STABBIN' CABIN is cruising for a bruising'. Chain Gang REMEMBER: USE the 'BYE' command to log off your terminal. THERE SURE isa hell of a lot of. lOP's TIC-TAC-DOUGH interviews. Inquire MOLN 117 for details. DID YOU know that Prof. Applebaum's class is cancelled? lOP's FINAL FOR Pat Cheney Art Class. May 16, Moln 117 RUBBER BABY buggy bumper bouncing party. Child Care Center BILL, WHEN can we see each other again? Laura H. WANTED — PEOPLE to extinguish grass fires at Parkside. Physical Plant. FR. SPITZ, alas I miss the poor infidel. ROUNDTABLE CANNOT get bug insurance. lOP's TOM — WE have taken collection we can play with decwriters. TOM: DECWRITERS still aren't toys! Chain Gang RING MY bell! Tom and Uncle Bill ANNE ELK look-alike contest. Test - tube children not allowed. GINGER! CHECK for divide by zero! Chain Gang FETTERED FRIENDS: If you use a zero in the formula referred to, you are 1) not a student, 2) not enrolled as such, and 3) not the purchaser of college - level texts and so do not have any need for the formula referred to. Finally, it takes a zero to recognize a zero. Abstractly, zeroes form the links in your supposed chain, and everyone knows zero multiplied by any given amount still equals the big 0. DEJA VU — I think I've seen this ad before. THE RANGER is already strange. Stranger go home. Chain gang WHAT IS the specific gravity of Isopropyl alcohol Jill? Keith. DEJA VU — I think I've seen this ad before. LARRY: YOU'D better come to RHPS during "The End" D.R.I.P.S BODY. ENGLISH. TEA. TIME. SECOND. BANANA. SPLIT. WOOD. Chain Gang IT'S BOOTLESS to become lachrymose over precipitately decanted lacteal fluid. JILL SLIMMER: Are you high? Jill Slimmer LIFE IS like paper toweling. When it rains you pour. ALL ARTICLE that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. GOLLUM: TRY to kick the Hobbit Gandalf. FOR SALE. Broken Decwriter. Thought it was toy, broke bell. Inquire CA 120E. OWENS: Shit-throwing party today in Moln 117. lOP's LIFE IS but a dream, shaboom, shaboom, splat! Chain Gang SIC EQUALS Stranger is coming. THE STUDENTS for Nuclear Rationality club is now officially formed. All perspective members please contact, Terry Rasmuser, Kelly Starks, or Patty Craig. WE KNOW that the lady of the Lake's name is Grezelda, Excalibur is a potato, the Holy Grail is a dixie cup, the Roundtable is a barrel of muscatel, and Camelot is neighborhood bar. Jabberwocky. and the lOP's. OTHER COBOL Bimbo's: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest you with permanent log trans errors. lOP's SUE STEVENS. What nore can we say? (Lots!) Chain Gang CHAIN GANG: Lots? Better start collecting valid ID's! SO FAR, it's been one big WOW! You know what I mean. TO ALL Ranger Staff: To be sentimental . . . I'm so glad I go t to know you all this year. You are all now included on my list of people who I would like to survive a nuclear holocaust with. G. Helgeson RANGER STAFF . Thanks for a helluva year! The Boss HELP! WHAT did I g e myself into? May 9th boss. WILL THE last person leaving Parkside turn our the lights? Bo Weevil WANTED PEOPLE TO sign Ranger ads for next year. Chain Gang. PEOPLE TO beat Larry at Tic-Tac-Dough. Wink Martindale WORK WANTED: Student needs job for next fall. Contact Sue Stevens in Ranger office (553-2287) if they haven't kicked me out by then. PEOPLE TO congrecate in RJE. Inquire Uncle Bill CA 120. FOR SALE 1972 HONDA, XL125, Enduro - Excellent condition. $450 . 886-9034 (racine area) 1974 MAVERICK 58,00 mi. auto, trans. $495. 634-4188 (after 6) BOY-FRIEND, SLIGHTLY used, never abused, runs good, mint condition-best offer. 551-7589 FOUND 552 ,772? F d3rk P ' aS,iC 9lasses in Molinaro. MISC. TYPING AVAILABLE $1.00 per page. Contact Joan WLLC D195. Ext. 2605 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Stranger, Volume 1, issue 1/2, April 1, 1980 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1980-04-01 Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context UWPAC124_19800401_stranger.pdf satire