https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/0000c58b120717e4fa7aaf5a0fcfe0b0.pdf 93c3c845fa161d829907dad510984bba Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. MissTeen All American: Parkside genealogist bares family secret Issue volume 69, issue 69 Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document Aunt Jemima and Ewing tried to hide the truth ss I.:l N I M E ~ Sit '!(. 0 E W I S CON SIN - PAR K SID E THE GNt VOLUME 69 • ISSUE 69 • APRIL I, 1996 MissTeen All American: Parkside genealogist bares fa~ily secret • Pat McGroin Tacky Terror adopted. I've lived a life of lies!" Quesada was raised by Jemima's nephew, 0, the actor formerly known as Buckwheat. 0, whose portrayal of an African-American in Our Gang, commonly known as the Little Rascals, was glad to let go of the past. "Otay! Now I can live honestly and forthrightly." Quesada was surprised but hopes to reunite with her biological father and build a relationship with him. "ldon't know how he will take the news but I hope he will at least meet me," said Quesada. Ewing, when contacted about the news, was shocked. ''Well, I'll be a dirty oil magnate," was his only response. Pedro hopes to continue her research and unite other families, "It is my hope that others will find their true identitv and look into the window of their past to piece together their future." Ewing responded, "That's a load of hooey. Get a life." Whengenealogists gathered for a workshopat Parkside they had no ideawhat they would uncover. The truth was learned when Helen Pedro,head archivist for UWP, beganto trace Miss Teen, Melissa Quesadaas an example in her lecture on "Piecing the Past." Pedro foundthat Quesada was actually the illegitimate daughter of syrup guru Aunt Jemima, and oil magnate J.R. Ewing. Ewingreportedly met Jemima duringher much-publicized divorce fromUncle Ben. Always known for hersweet disposition, Jemima was completelytaken in by that vermin. "Hesaid he'd take care of me, II saidJemima. "He said he'd never leave.But as soon as Kristin and SueEllen beckoned, he dropped me likea dirty ." Whencontacted by a cheery Stranger reporter with her family secret,Quesada was shocked, " I alwaysfelt that there was somethingmy parents weren't tellingme but I never expectedto hear I was f(J said, "Ot , aYe Some days are just REALLY bad hair days." ESTABLISHED 1969 Miss Teen America Man Sued for Vomiting Over Upper Main Place Railing •Passionflower Lovachild Resident Babe On Monday, March 18, at approximately 11:55 a.m., a visitor to the university ran to the railing of the Upper Main Place balcony and proceeded to vomit several times onto • the people seated below. The man, Erich Emile, had been using the Parkside Library when he suddenly felt ill. "I'm not a Parkside student. I go to [UW] Platteville. I knew I was going to be sick, but didn't blow where a bathroom was. I made it as far as the balcony railing when I lost control," said Emile. Several of the people seated in Lower Main Place at the time of the incident also became ill. "I was trying to eat my lunch from the Coffee Shoppe, when all of a sudden, my sloppy joe special got... sloppier," said Jill Hertzberg, a senior Molecular Biology student who was seated directly below Emile when he began vomiting. "So I look up, and there's this guy hurling over the railing. Then this girl next to me notices what's going on, and she starts puking too. Before I know it, there's half-adozen people blowing chunks all over the place. It was really disgusting." Chancellor Eleanor Smith was present in Lower Main Place at the time of the incident. Smith said, "It was quite appalling, really. I began to feel ill myself." Smith did, in fact, begin vomiting shortly after surveying the scene. Chris Sandstrom, a Ranger News editor, witnessed the events from the Ranger office window. Sandstrom said, "The second time he ralphed, he hit one of the lunch ladies. It was pretty funny." Kris Schlevensky, a senior majoring in Biology with a Pre-Health concentration, said, "I felt so unprepared. I left my body substances collection kit in the car. I could have helped those poor, sick people, '. but I just couldn't touch any of that without my gloves. Biohazardous waste is a big problem if you aren't properly protected." Jason Weniger, PSGA Vice President, was so disturbed by what he witnessed that he filed suit Vomit on p. 2 New Member added to Music Faculty Rock Band oHard Nipps Pectoral Editor This week Ralph Lorenz was accepted into the renowned Music Faculty. band, Cherry Orchards. Cherry Orchards is an established glam rock band known for playing covers of such famous bands as Poison, Warrant, Bon Jovi, Blu Steel, or any other hairspray-lipstick wearin' band. Lorenz came here from Los Angles where he ripped up the local bars with his flashy style of piano playing. "When we heard this guy rock, we had to grab him up, brother," said lead singer Jimmy Boy McKeever. Other member ofthe band include: James' McKeever, Tim Bell, Frank Mueller, and James Budget Cuts Enacted oErin Melissa Cappel Staff Writer Just today, Chancellor I. Emma Miser annOl!nced what she ~ called,"Necessary and long overdue budget cuts" at the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, The cuts affect just about every student at the university. Chancellor Miser, a former chairperson of a Senate committee on reducing federal spending, expounded upon specifics of the newly approved cuts. "These newly approved, minor cutbacks in services" will not actually lower the tuition costs by any great amount, but they will give the students a lot more of the free time they always complain about not having. The 85% reduction in staffing will mean lower credit requirements for graduation, and get students out the door a lot faster. I have not tried to single out a certain population segment of the school, but have tried to make unbiased decisions," said Miser. And "Housing seemed to be an area where we were losing money, so from now on, instead of eight students per apartment, the facilities will be shared by 24 students. This will open up more housing on campus, as well as lower the heating bills in the winter. The Food Service will run only once a day from 7 a.m. until 7:10 a.m., and will serve only doughnuts and Snapple. It is our continuous effort to try and provide a healthy meal for our students at a competitive price. Prices for food will only increase by 100% annually for the next twenty years. This is to keep up with the rapid-rate of inflation," said Miser. "Computers on campus will be Cherry Orchards Kinchen. When asked why groupies. they play music that died in Margaret Bedard, the pop scene in the late groupie, said this about the 80's Bell replied, "The band, "I just have to dance chicks like it." when I hear their version of ''You need to know where 'Talk Dirty to Me." music came from in order to "It's good to see that know where it is going," bands aren't scared to be replied Mueller. pretty boyz any more," said Cherry Orchards plays all Jeff Bromstad, presideht of around the Kenosha area, the fan club. with a large following of Letter to the Editor Dear Editor, I opened up the last week's Ranger News and was quite chagrined. Where was Brian Matsen's My Christian Perspective? I looked front to back, inside and out, but it was nowhere to be found! "I don't really care," said a woman. Another woman sai<.i,It's rude ...it's inconsiderate." An albino gentleman said, "It doesn't bother me." Then all of a sudden, a polka-dot person said, "That's horrible, he will be missed greatly!" Then the geese outside screamed, "We want Brian Matsen's Christian Perspective!" When I finally realized there was no My Christian Perspective, my stomach dropped, and so did my friends' stomachs around me. I found Matsen's columns highly intelligent and so meaningful. So what if they lack thought and are always weakly supported? He convinced me that condoms are so faulty that I've become celibate. His article on evolution led me to protest and Vomit from p. 1 drop my BIO 101 class. Matsen's My Christian Perspective should be printed weekly in the Ranger, and his articles should be read by everyone. Like eating Quaker Oatmeal, it's the right thing to do. Matsen's disciple forever, Judas Allah Editor's response: It is not your imagination. Matsen has not written a column for a couple of w,eeks. Stirring up controversy is a difficult job, and Matsen has surely earned a rest. I sense some sarcasm in your letter about Brian Matsen. If the columns are highly intelligent, as you say, then they would contain thought, at least in some rudimentary form. In conclusion, I don't think it is wise to pattern your life after only one of our multitude of Ranger columnists. Besides, G.J. is much cooler than Brian. Jim Hendrickson , consolidated into one convenien\ area for students down in the Stranger office. Additional com, puters that do not fit into the I new lab will be auctioned off atl a later date for a mere 25% over what our cost was; that is, if any of them work. E-mail accounts will also be terminat- I ed, and replaced with a new postal system where each student receives one envelope to send their best friend a letter. Also, the campus bookstore will be run by the University and will no longer buy back used books. New books will be needed every semester for every class. The previous bookstore's I policy of marking up books by 700% will remain intact. The hardest decision I had to face in the process was eliminaV ing the three sized garbage cam we have on campus and replacing them with cheaper, used 1 nuclear waste bins purchased from Russia. I really loved tho") garbage cans!," said Miser. Miser then said, "It is my hope that the students support me in my decisions that will help hurl the University for- I ward into the next century with our undying commitment to excellence." Some of the budget buts include: oParking permits will no longer be required. New meters will bel installed in each parking spot and will have a one-hour limit. oCampus security will be replaced with video cameras strategically placed in the library, where most problems occur. oA smoking permit must be obtained to smoke anywhere I outside the buildings on campus' grounds. ( oCourse schedules will no longer be given out. It is up to ] the student to guess as to when they think the class will be offered. That way, students WillI increase their psychic powers while still pretending to learn. New Emperor Declared -Buster Hymen Staff Stud On March 26 a new emperor of everything was declared. Chris Sandstrom, former Layout Editor of The Ranger News and music major, was declared Supreme Emperor of Wisconsin. The majority ofthe population immediately bowed to his commands. His Supreme Greatness was quoted as saying, "The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers!" His Lordship's first command was to make the infamous Parkside Geese his advisory board. Tim Bell, Professor of Jazz Studies, was quoted as saying that, " He sucks!" His Most Excellent Leadershipness had Bell immediately beheaded. Sandstrom decreed that Wisconsin's new name will be Christonia, and Chrisville, formally Kenosha, will be the new capital city. A fifty-foot wall will be built fortifying Chrisville. The University of Wisconsin-Parks ide will be turned into His Coolness' Imperial Palace until a proper Palace can be built. "I felt honored to donate the facility for His Superness's personal use," cowered Chancellor Eleanor Smith. "He will need a place to kick back." Students will be sent to reeducation Chris Sandstrom camps in Caledonia and Sturtevant to learn the wonderful values ofthe new Emperor. Sandstrom had the new Schimmel grand piano moved to his new quarters in the Ivory Tower, "I'll need something to do," said His Dudeness. Sandstrom will be meeting with his advisory board to discuss conquering Illinois. "My highly trained force of deer hunters with high powered rifles will give those FIBs a grand whoopin"" said der Fuhrer. Team kicked out of NCAA - Sue Purfreek Resident Fawner Parkside was no. 1 in the nation with a 25-1 record at the time ofthe expulsion. In fact, the team's only loss came in a game against the Milwaukee Brewers. And even that game was close. Wendy Wolfftook a nohitter into the 8th inning, before Kevin Seitzer slammed a home-run out of Pets Park for a 1-0 victory. "His bat was corked," Wolff said after the game. Brewer Manager Phil Gamer commented, "She (Wolff)could definitely play in the majors. What year is she?" Ranger players were outraged at the expulsion. "Dam, now I'll have to eat brunch on the weekend," said Freshman Kris VanLangevelde. "They'll make me go to class now," said Billi Kapla. Parkside has appealed sever- .al times to the NCAA for reinstatement, but the NCAA has refused to let them play again unless they use wiffle ball bats at the plate. Acheson is currently considering that option. An outraged Tory Acheson slammed his favorite softball bat through the window when he heard the news. The softball coach then raised the baskets in the gym and threatened never to lower them again until his team was reinstated. On Tuesday morning, the Rangers were kicked out of NCAA II softball competition. The NCAA stated that Parkside was simply too good and that the teams weren't fair. The news came in the wake of the team's 72-0 drubbing of the University of KFC. The game was called in the 5th inning because of darkness, even though the contest started at 11 a.m. Thirty-seven balls were hit out of Pets Park by Parkside and were never recovered. Acheson hinted that his team may have received the boot because they used almost half of the NCAA's entire budget buying new softballs for each game. Stranger News Still Searching for Editorin-Chef -Julia Shy Chile Food Editor Cuisiners are cooking up good stuff in the Stranger office these days in preparation for an April 19 interview for Editor-in-Chef of Parkside's newspaper. "I just don't know. One day they ask me to Chile and then they turn their mind to roast beef," said Jean-Pierre Valjean. Valjean flew in from Strasbourg, France and is staying somewhere in Parkside's housing. "I do not understand these Americans," said Valjean. "We're looking for an individual to spice up the campus every Thursday," said James Hendrix, Stranger Editor-inChef. Applicants for Editor-inChef must submit a resume, three meal samples and three recipes. . "It really stunk around here all this year and the last," said Stranger Haggling Editor Carrie Deal. "Students were so disappointed in the finished product. It always smelled fishy." "I just want green card," said, Yoshiko Saito from Japan. Tokyo University is sponsoring Saito's trip to Wisconsin. Perhaps the most interesting candidate is Santiago Sandwich, who is famous throughout Mexico for his sandwich art. "He's taken over my office," cried Crispy Ginny, Stranger Photo Editor. "There's alfalfa all over the walls and the tripods are dripping with mayo." With the new Stranger budget for 1995-1996, the Editor-in-Chef's office'will be equipped with a wok, deep fryer, and stainless steel cutlery. Personals Men Seeking Women Recently Divorced male seeking younger high school girlto share life's , experiences and whip him with wet > noodles. 2229 Co-dependent male seeking codependent female to feed off of each other's misery. 1635 Editor-in-Chief of Stranger Gnews seeking nice woman to be that happy go lucky couple that makes everyone else sick. 2295 Women Seeking Men Stranger Contest Overweight Hobag looking for alcoholic to administer weekly beatings. 3284 Tall and Skinny looking for man to be nice and scare me away. 0903 We at the Stranger Gnews have intended to offend you. Please don't whine to us, we don't care. . For sale 1978 Gremlin. 78K miles, each panel is a different color. Mint condition. 1.1 millionbucks. Deadliest Virus Known to Man Tracked to a Parkside Student • Maria Smith Staff Writer Right now as you are reading this article there are undercover, plainclothed agents from the Center for Disease Control (CDC),the United States Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases (USAMRIID) and the World Health Organization (WHO) here on campus looking for the carrier of the world's most deadly virus, the Ebola-Zaire virus!'!' A couple of days ago I stumbled onto this information while waiting to see one of the school's officials on some not-so-pressing business. It was late in the day, most of the student population had gone home ....I stuck around to get a couple of quotes from the administrators for an upcoming article on the school's next budget proposals. I was horrified when I overheard this highly sensitive information. In the office ofthe Chancellor were five men representing the USAMRIID and two women and two men representing the CDC and the WHO, respectively. I couldn't believe what I was hearing .....this couldn't be happening in our little school. I know this information is confidential and I'll probably be suspended from this campus indefinitely for exposing what I've learned but lives are at stake here yours and mine. Hell, I can even be arrested by the U. S. government for breaching this information. By the time this story goes to print I will have left campus myself, as I am in fear of the deadly virus which has infiltrated our school. Listen carefully as I tell you what I overheard. Apparently, we recently received an international student who transferred to us from South America. This student just happened to work as an animal-attendant at a "monkey house" down in Brazil. This monkey house is a r---==~---------------------------- trade location for exotic monkeys from all over the world, including the rain forests of Africa, Monkeys are caught and sold to laboratories worldwide, where they undergo testing that ranges from the testing of new products entering into the market to the testing of a monkey's resistance to human illnesses. One out of every ten monkeys is said to be a carrier of some biological agent harmful to other animals. One out of every twenty-thousand is said to be the carrier of a filovirus name Ebola-the deadliest virus known to humankind. The government officials told the Chancellor the student who was working in the monkey house was infected but doesn't appear to be ill yet. The virus can take up to two weeks to present itself, but ... Attention Students! As part of the federally funded *ICE program you might be eligible for a savings in tuition of up to $580.00 • Do you earn less than $10,000 a year? • Is your GPA 2.0 or above? • Are you a full time student? (12 credits or more per semester) If you answered yes to these questions then please call Mary Tremmel at the Grants Office for more info at 595-2006. 'Incentives for Continuing Education Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Stranger Gnews, Volume 69, issue 69, April 01, 1996 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Type The nature or genre of the resource Text satire