https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/9d1ae70212bec5d79cccb52120d15a81.pdf 0297228da26febc7962d2c3cd6d22f27 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Text Any textual data included in the document -r niversity of Parkside- Wisconsin enosha, Wisconsin Volume 19-X Bill Horner by Dino Chiapet Gnews Editor Sheila Kaplan. UW-Parlcside Chancellor. has resigned due to the no-smoking policy which prohibits students. staff. faculty. and administration from smoking on campus. "I cannot continue to improve educational opportunities for students at UW-Parlcside if I cannot have a smoke once in awhile." stated Kaplan. "It's pretty tough being Chancellor. and not being able to smoke." Kaplan was caught smoking a $1.97 Monday, Aprilll991 3beiJa Kaplan Horner was involved in some controversy when he was UWParlcside Student Government President when he was accussed of having an affair with Maggie Frymire. who at that time. was involved with the present PSGA President Ken Schuh. "Sbe wanted me. I didn't want her. I had something she wanted . thatKen couldn'tgive 10her," said Horner. "I'm yet 10have my first college experience," said Horner. "You can call me a college virgin." As Chancellor, Horner is aI- 6 allBd itO paDltpltO:> INXS to rock Union Square Chancellor Kaplan resigns .. - _.. cigarette in the women's restroom by Gary Goetz, UW-Paricside's Assistant Cancellor for Administration and Sexual Affairs. UW -SyremPresidentKenneth Shaw called an immediate meeting with the Board of Rejects to select a new Chancellor ... After three minutes of talks, The Board of Rejects had selected a new Chancellor. "I am pleased toannounce that this is the first time any university in this country has ever had a student become Chancellor. Bill 'Horny' Horner. former PSGA President, will do a great job as UW-Parlcside's new Chancellor." said Shaw. According 10 the Board of Rejects. Homer was selected due to hisinvolvementon campus. such as founder ofUW -Parlcside' s "Uh, Ub I Take the Fifth Amemndment, and Ub Ub No Comment" movements. Most importantly, Horner is founder and chairperson ofUWParicside's "Uh, Uh Don't Smoke Organization." The Board of Regents respected Horner's dedication of quitting smoking after 65 years of doing so. When asked about his termination of smoking. Horner said, "Uh, Ub no problem." by Ludwig von Simpkins and Baronness von Terri Student Fees Allocations Committee chair Ken Shoe has announced that after months of .. misappropriating funds, the Parkside Activities Board has been awarded an additional $1.000.000 10 sign the rock group INXS to perform in Union Square. It is reported that INXS' s Lead Singer Michael Hutchence, who resides in London. England. is a distant cousin of Shoe. and that Shoe worked out a "crooked" deal with the band' s agent INXS was scheduled to appear at Carnegie Hall, but cancelled that appearance so they could perform in the Union Square on Friday night May 3. atS pm. Marie Boris. live entertainment chair for PAB, commends Shoe on his crookedness 10get the band here at UW-Paricside and thinks it will be SlnDger PboIo by Gwm Hedd Senior Jim Chomko, sporting the latest in professional fashion, pauses to wet hiswhisUe between two high-level interviews for his fu~ure.career in business. a smashing success. Boris also said. "This is the greatest thing 10 happen at UW -Parlcside since the Atletic Department hired AI Schiesser as head basketball coach." ~. INXS. which has cut several albums. is currently on tour promoting their new album "Y". and will be performing several songs including "Airhead Blonde". "Punt", "Devil In Your Shorts", "Mandy", "Kiss The Bust", "Faking AIl My Love For You". and "What You Don't Need". They will also be doing some popular oldies like "Wully Bully", 6 ~1l8d 00 paRltlJUO:) Inside ... Editorial .Page2 PSGARepon. .Page3 Lucifer'sLex .Page3 News , .Page4 . Residence Hall .Page4 Sports .Page5 NewProject. .Page9 Studenteatsfoot Page 10 Studentfataility .Page 10 Unclassifieds .Page 12 c Ranger , Page 2 Editorial ApriI!,I99! What I say goes! I bet when you walked by a Ranger stand today, you were very surprised 10 see a special edition avai1able for you 10 read The Rlinger ExecutiveCommiuee dec:idedin an emeIJleDCy session that because of all the !ale breaking news occurring, we would have 10 publisb a specia1 edilion. Itall started last week when Chancellor Kaplan resigned because of the newly enacted smoking policy. She decided she couldn't make it lbrougb a wboIe day's wort witbout pufting 011 a produclO. Since half of die administration is over in Europe bein&eDIeIlaiDedbytheRussians,the~ofRejectsdec:idedtheyhadlOtakethesituationinlOtheirownhands aad appoint a new t:bl!IJc.AoJlor. ACta' only a few mmUles of delibetalion, die Rejects appointed former PSGA Plesident Bill Homer as new c1lllnmllor. Owx:ellor Homer, ina televised address last week, stated that be has eligiOus1y quit smoking 10 accept Ibe appoiDtmenL Right after that incident, it was announced that SUFAC Chair Ken Shoe pulled off a quick move. and funneled $1,000,000 of illegal fuDds 10 dleParkside Activilies Board. These fuDds were used 10sign the British rock group U'oO(S 10 perform at UW -Parkside. It is also rumored that die bend cancelled an appeaIlIIIce at C-amegi~eHaUsodleycou1dperformatUW-Parkside. U'oO(S willbeperforminginUnion SquareonFridaynighl; - Talk about lIUIJIrises. Two !ale developing stories have been dug up by die Ranger fiom the Ath1etic DepartmenL UW·PlIrbide Head Baskelball coach, AI Schiesser, was named wistant coach 10 the Olympic basketball team. The big SlDJlrise about this is that Schiesser couldn't coach a pee-wee team 10one viclOry. and is lucky if be can lie hia own shoes in the morning. Despite that. we wish you luck. AI. Two UW -PlIrbide grapplers announced they would join the World Wrestling Federation under the team aame Bonanza. Jim Bezoae and Joel DullOn will wrestle under the names "Hess" and "LiU1e Joel". They are the taitofthe WWF. and are pegged 10 be champions by the time the WWF's Summer Slam rolls around. Go BonanzaI; Otherobservatioas havebeen madeof other new developments, and idiosyncracies have been notedofother people you may have seen or beard about on campus. Some are shocldng, some are expected. Most are untrue. by Ludwig von Disclaimer notice: The content of this special edition should be taking as what it is: merely a joke. Hopefully, all parties mentioned in this special edition will take it ina lighthearted manner. r=Jf J < Stranger, Page 4 News Aprill,l~ Residence Hall Expansion Project Underway byKenSboe Residence HaD Expansion Editor The scheduled expansion project 10 increase the residence hall complex 10houseanadditional 1200 students has begun, According 10 Deann PosheD, Director of Residence Life, "There has been a minorchangeinplans." Theproject plans originally. called 10 add 11 additional stories to buildings I and 7, and 4 additional stories 10 building 4. "Due to environmentalist concerns, we were forced 10 add the proposed floors below the current strucmre, underground," staled newly appointed Chancellor Homer. EnvironmentalislS claim that the proposed above ground expansion would destroy the beautiful landscape of the campus. The cost of the changes in the project are expected 10 reach an additional $4.00, and are expected 10 be allocated from student fee revenues, while thecost1On:sidents should increase $1400.00 per semester. Alvin Upsett stated "Let the environmentalists worry about the other 699 acres on campus. I need a place 10live on campus, and don'tfmditconvenient1Oputdown $2400.00 4 112 semesters in advance 10guarantee a room". "They are 100 worried about this place looking like a county park," stated resident Clyde Claustrophobic. "1 'd prefer they build the expansion above ground, like a nomtal university campus." Supporters of the underground project claim advantages. "'!be underground consbUCtion should decrease 9nergy consumption," Building seven of tbe residence ball complex before expansion projecL Artist's conception of building seven of tbe residence ball complex detailingtbe underground cbanges to be made, Slated G. G. Graced, Assistant Chancellorfor Reduction in Power Outages. "After last week'spower outage, this is a good idea." Campus Police officials stated that it would be easier 10 apprehend students under 21 years of age carrying alcoholic beverages into the complex. "Thiswouldpreventstudents from jumping out windows while we are approaching them," stated Faye Schouten, Campus Police Sergeant The project is expected to be completed by 4:07 pm lOday. BACCHUS changes mission statement UPI (DENVER, CO) The organization that has spent millions of do1lalsintimdinglOeducatecollege students on the consequenoes of alcohol and substance abuse has changeditsmission statement The BACCHUS·, whichSlOOdfor Boost Alcohol Consciousness Concerning the Health of UnivetSity Studerits, has changed its motto 10 Boosting Alcohol Consumption Can Help U Sleep. Betty Ford, former spokesperson for ,stated that, "It's no use trying to pound this crap inlO college students heads. We are better off promoting that they drink themselves silly untilAhey pass out on the floor and are 100 drunk 10 drive. Therefore, I have appointed Vince Neil, the leader of the heavy metal band "Modey Crue," to our spokesperson position. From what I have heard about his lOurs and albums, be will bea greatsuccess." Vince Neil was grateful 10 accept the position and quickly appointed Tammy Fay Bakec as thedirectorofcollegeaffairs. Vince Neil was quoted as saying in his newly appointed position, ''Like hey ya know, I really ain't got no drinking problem, like ya know. I drink, I get drunk, and I fall down. Like, no problem, hey?" Tammy Fay Baker was not available for comment at this time because she was preparing to defend her title in the Region 7 Jello Wrestling Competition at Back in Time, Racine, WL However, it is widely rumored she isin favor of a 13 year old drinking age and eliminating the federal liquor tax. It is also rumored that she is in favorofdistribution of illegal drogs as party favors. When Vince was asked about these allegations, he was quoted as saying, "Y cab;like man if the age is only for those young teenage cbickgroupies. Tbatwouldbecool caus' that's the age I like 'um. Now Igonnago have my breakfast, a bottle of JD and a couple hits of ·cid." The task of appointing new chapter direclOrs will begin immediately. Possible candidates include Drew Barrymore, Corey Feldman, Axel Rose, Roy Tarpley and Paul Schaeffer. Both Neil and Baker are on National Tom promoting their philosophy on how 10 party, and will be visiting your campus soon, """""""'" ~nly after Hussein failed towi!h. .draw in time 10 avoid disaster. "A similar failure on !bepan of Hussein's father likewisete. ;sulted in disaster,:' says .i Bassakrappapoppadupo1ls. THURSDAY APRll..l, 1991 SECfIONB Ranger coach chosen for ." Olympic Basketball team r Rlmger ' AI S endYMiUer,~,~rt'" chiesser most worthy us 0:.°';: (GorgeQ~~'c~oa1ch for 1992 hoops team ... not yet a. rot By TOM HANKs _ dye offer.. .ts.s'. W ,,$-J;[. Asst. SportsEd,'tor 10e Manum, Joerl~'~1 that :i::t:a=~~~~z~~~:m~e:~: sld, of the LBA'lii~jlPl-l UW -ParksidePhysical Education Department. " e been drafted bYlbel:la ,'!'ii,"" With this statement Athletic Director Wayne 1h CBA ' ,,'»1' ,K Dannehl announced ~t UW-Parkside head baskete ~~i}!t~1:j :~'~~~c~c:~~~~~~~:'s~:~~~~ good! Sba.wn, 'f4)iDjf~n~'pic Baskethall team. dog track rat hasbeena~~ nice:~~~ya::~:g:~;~~~e:s=:t~~ dOg races and has been in<£'("ffi!.l:cl" know about, urn,basketball." from aI1 wagering "',kX it' Schiesser, who just completed his third "interim" . 'l::t\;% Ji season as the Ranger's head coach, was selected by the breaking Plans for II24,~, ~:r;~~ac:~~~:~:~%d~t;;.chconsistsof 18 hole golf cOllISe~v~r~!fd Three years ago, Schiesser was hired as an "in- OyKgO;fcQa~h kt:~:~fi=tl.;=~a~~;:=} ~~:~:~~:~~ tho ap an·d. a\_i':dc ..It,~4¥Fj1iii£j, It is a bit of a surprise ~t Scheisser was selected for course an it Suviu """'~¢.~ the Assistant CoachingJO' b of the Olympic Baskethall ~=~==;==:' AI before theretumofli41i"'~';""'#f~ team, and coincidentally, Parkside Athletic Director ~:~r~:~rf~:YC::~ a Wayne Danneh1 is on the Olympic Committee Board Parkside game. Ai will get his which undoubtedly has much pull with the Coaches Selection Committee. chance to represent the United "I'm sure Wayne had nothing to do with my States of America as Assistant selection as Assistant Coach," said Schiesser. "1was Basketball Coach. picked for my success with my players and ability to handle myself through times of controversy." Questionable or not, Schiesser will be the Assistant Olympic coach and he will be coaching the best players in the world. In the 1992 Olympics, professee Olympics, B3 Grapplers to challenge for WWFcrown Bezotte, Dutton, pack bags for glory By BILL MURRAY Asst. SportsEdItor , The UW-Parkside Ranger Wrestling team was dealt a severe blow last week when lieshman heavyweight Jim Bezotte and sophomorelightweightJoelDutton signed contracts to wrestle in the World Wrestling Federation. Dutton (5'6", 140 Ibs) and Bezolte (6'6, 300 Ibs) each signed million dollar contracts with the Heenan Family which will take them through 1994. The two Rangers will form a new tag team which will be called "Bonanza" and their wrestling names will be "Hoss" (Bezolte) and "Uttle Joel (Dutton). "These two will be tag team champioos within a year," said team manager Bobby "The Bmin" Heenan. "Their combination of size and speed will destroy any tag ---=-=~team in the WWF." Heenan origina1ly just wanted tosignBezotte,butBezouewanted a package deal. "1 won't go anywhete without Little Joel," said Bezotte. Bezotte's main asset is a powerful move be caDs the ''TIlICIm," in which he uses bis opponent to "p1ow" the ring. Dutton, on the other hand, uses a move he calls the "Little Hammer," in which be flies off the top rope and kicks his opponent in the groin. UW·ParksidecoachJimKoch was shocked at the events, but 00- derstandsthelucrativesituationbis wrestlers are in. "I'm happy forthe guys because of the money and publicity they will be receiving, but their leaving is really going to hurtourprogram.I wasconsidering going along as their trainer but ] can't stand ~t weasel Heenan." seeWWF,B3 supposed to do once I cut the boy open," said an enthusiastic Dr. Brown. Once the area is exposed Lubkeman will be given a steel plate attaehCd with microscopic thread and tiny screws to hold the 3.2 pound piece of steel in syndrome• place. When Todd is sewn up, he will be moved to intensive care for at least a week. Then, lie will be given special attention in order to teach him how to walk again. Due to the extra weight on his head, it will take Lubkeman three to four weeks to adjust The metal plate will serve as a skull of sorts, keeping his brains where they belong and preventing him from unwarned narcoleptic attacks. "Were looking forword to having the big guy back and better than ever for us:' said Ranger teammate John Evans. "I just hope he doesn't try and head buttus after his firsthoop." Todd will have the very finest of care for the six hour surgery and three to four week stay in the hospital and is looking forword to being like everyone else on the team. "I'll just be glad when this is all over," said Lubkman. "I can't wait to get back on the court," Happy April Fool's Day Todd. Next Tune keep your eyes open on picture day. !Ranger Grapplers to In III exclusive telephone in- (tIVieW with the Ranger, former wwPcoIorc:ommenl8lOr Jesse the BodY Vc:.alUIa assessed the Heenan ac:quisilioD- "'Ibese two Bozos will be out oflbcJellueafteronematehl Booanzal Where's Michael Landon! LeI me guess. they're going 10ride into lhe ring on a horse 10 the Bonanza theme song. Give me a 1Rak'" Obviously "The Body" wasn't impressed. Vince McMahon, as usual. took the opposire side of Ventura, "I think the twO youngsters will tum some L--='==J:::'=:::::====~ • lID Bezotte =isser to give team his personalized touch siooaI athletes will be allowed 10 compete in the Olympics. This meaosduuourcoach Scheisserwill bele8Ching Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley. David Robinson and a host of professionalsconsidered to be among the best players ever. "Tbeopportunity 10learn from ColICb Schiesser is, well, a unique -. "said Olicago Bulls superstar Michael Jordan. Olympic Head Coach QlUck Daley was surprised but also de- IigbIed at !he opportunity 10 work almg sideof coach Schiesser. "I Ihiat AI is by far the most unique penon for the job. His innovative Style of coaching and rappon with his players is 10say the least. one in • million." Over !he course of the past Ibree seasons. coach Schiesser has IIIlld&: his unusual style of play famous among those who follow UW·l'arkside basketball. This approach will undoubtedly be tested bytheverybestofforeignteamSin next summer's showcase of the world's best basketball players. Parbide did not go 4-23 this seasondoingDOthing; the Rangers ran Schiesser's offense 10 perfection, using almost all the time on the 45 into WWF second shot clock before missing a wee pointer. This one of a kind approach 10 roundbaII will be the focus of the 1992 United Slates Olympic B'!Sketball Team's attack as the team seeks to avenge its otherwise disappointing Bronze medal finish in the 1988 games. Player personnel will be of utmost importance as the United States has so much incredible talent from which 10choose. Schiesser and Daley will be in charge of choosing the players which they feel can do the best jobs on the court representing the United States, "While I'm sure many people have the more popular superstars in mind, Michael Jordan, Magic, and Robinson, 1 am DOt against using some of the talent Isee in the college ranks," said Schiesser. "In fact, some of our Rangers, like guard Shawn Dunn have a decent chance of going 10Barcelona. • "We have a long way 10 go," said Schiesser, "choosing a squad, finding a hotel, and even picking an airline, but 1am confident that I can contribute all 1know 10 make the 1992 Olympic team the best it can possibly be." By BILL MURRAY AssL sports Editor Down here guys! UW-Parkside Baseball players look for $2 million in drug cash hidden under ball diamond. iii .. Harvey's Wallbangers ,The Kmg Iives on storm WI state Capitol for Rae ewa 1k e r s . canada is much WOISe. Besides, throw out the first blIUlIQl YIeet By IRWIN M.FLEfCHER you have to Imvel by sled-dog to anyway." Sports Editor half of the country, and I don't Next week is wbaI die lJad. In thei first visible protest think some of our underclassmen gersplan to play 1beir1Da8lllle1l . the :g was yanked from were ready for that." the new complex, wbicb baayeuo smceeaththe the UW-Madison Reports that the team drove benamed. SomeWlllkJemainab ::Cball ~, led by spiritual theirlmvelingvanstoFortMcC~y the~, includingiMla!latioa1i leader and former team member and stole some U:S. Army equip- addibonal res! rooms IIId tEat Harvey Kuehn, stormed the State' ment,includin~twoM-l tanksand booths. Capital Building and converted it an Apache helicopter, also helped . State ~orker,! Who were into a Hi-Tech baseball facility, to discount their rumored move- seized as ~ m die lII1act, The Parlcside race-walking team is scheduled iii get exciting new complete with a retractable roof ments north. are currently beiDg held in die uniform changes within the next year to bring in more fans. and more than 40 luxury boxes. "I'm sure a tank is a great bleacher area until a deciJial cao Race-walking, as you know, is one of~erica's most exciting "Thekids needed some way to thing if you've only got a couple of be reached as to what lOOOwilh spectator sports. Yet, each week many exciting race-walking events go vent their frustrations over the guys in it," said Ross Kopfer, a them. uncovered and unattended. whole issue," said an unearthly player for the team. "But we could "Well, we're goingtoboldllll In an effort to raise public awareness of this thrilling sport UW-P has Kuehn. "WecJearedoutwhatfunds only get two, and I wouldn't want to them for a wbile," said Uike. decided to have the race-walkers dress up like Elvis Presley. we had left, sold some pizzas, and to travel more than an hour with "They could come in bandy wIlea Yes, that's right White jumpsuits with rhinestones and spangles will boom we had the equipment we eight guys packed into one of those we open out Big.10 season. A big be the order of lhe day for all competitors. needed to get the job done." things. Ifonlymoreofus had taken place like this needs to be 6lled up When asked why the change to Elvis outfits, the Director of Race- Rumors had been circling lhe those driving classes." to give our players any home-field Walking Affairs here at Parkside, I, Walkfunny, said," To me, there is campus of an impending retaliation Reports from inside the Capi- advantage. And, we wae kind of nothing more exciting or challenging than a good walk. Except maybe a since the program received lhe axe tal Building say only Governor, debating on trading some oflhem brisk race-walk dressed like the King." by Athletic Director Pat Richter Tommy Thompson's office was for a new scoreboard." Although the idea to have race-walkers dress up as rock stars isn't a and the UW-Madison athletic spared from conversion. CasualtieswaesaidlObelislu, new one we think it's a good one. board. Initial reports had the team, "He pleaded with us to spare limited to a few groin pulls and Look what a similar idea did for lhe UW-Madison synchronized which earlier in the week seized theoffice.so wecuradeal with him hamstring pulls. swimming team did. They dressed like lhe Shirelles and more than military equipment from UW _ and put him in charge offood vend- It was also rumored thatGe ndoubled their attendance. Madison's ROTC program, rnov- ing. He promised he had some eral Norman H. Schwarzkopf, ,,!!!!!Good~~lu~ck~ra~ce-~W~alk~eiiirs:!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~1 ingagainstnorthem Wisconsin and connectionsthatwouldgetussome commander for Opemtioa D=t r. some Canadian provinces. But stadium secret sauce up here for Storm, was cheir IIIIll1ys iD !be head coach Steve Land cited our hot dogs," said assistant coach planning stages for what basbcea weather was a determining factor. Daryl Fuchs, who has been named dubbed 'Operation Sky DmIe'. "You think basebal1 weather Cheif of Concessions. Schwarzkopf was unmilIblc fir here is bad in March and April, "Heck, we need someone to comment Mudwrestling now the hit as baseball is dropped By JAMES NEEDSAKLUE Collllllllist So, you want to be a Sportswriter? Tough Break, The Ranger Sports staff does not need youl Good Luck. l'BM {R.!UIJl.er.9Ltlilete ffiWeek Scholar, A lete, "T" pursues excellence mM and the Ranger would like to salute inlmmural basketball star and Ranger letter to the editor writer Chris Toliver as our Athlete! Sportsman of the week. ' Chris was selected due to his outstanding sportsmanship and leadershipqualitiesintheLBA intramural basketball league and his informa- tive and facbtal writings displayed in our news· paper each week. Chris is currently averaging 16.6 ppg for lhe Funk (911), which is currently 7-1 and in fIrSt place in the Eastern Di- vision of the LBA. Toliver, the team's cap- tain and shooting guard, used his resourcefulness to recruit quite a formi. dable team for Ibis semester's action. Joe Martino. lhe starling power forward, is leading the league in scoring with a 33.33 ppg average. JenDaine Boyd, a red shirt for lhe Ranger Basketball squad is lhe teams #3 man and is 7lh in the league in scoring wilh a 24.14 ppg average. Inllddition to his athletic accomplishments, Chris has covered a wide range oflOpics in his weekly [ettelS/columns in the Ranger. Hisexcellent discretion in word choice in describing tough situations showed his true joumaIistic integrity and intelligence. So congratulations Mr. Toliver, for excellence on the court and orr. Keep op the good work. By BRAD LOHAUS Sports Writer On Friday March 29 the University of Wisconsin-Parkside Athletic Board once again met to discuss equality in men's and women's athletics. After nearly lhreehoursof diliberation lhe board finally decided to dropmen' s baseball, due to the drug charges which arefacingcoachRedOberbrunner, and add women's mud wrestling. . Why mud wrestling you ask? Well it seemed lhe logical choice considering UW-Parkside's geographic location and aValiblity of quality athletes. Chancellor Shelia Kaplan, herself a professional mud wrestler, has been named head coach. Ifeverything goes as planned ~-Parkside should be compet. mg next December in the NCAA Division n National Championships which are being held in Butte, Montana. According to coach Kaplan," Our girls can roll in lhe "Our girls can roll in the mud with the best of them." Chancellor Kaplan mud with the best of them." Although the entire team ros. ter has not been named yet, due to fears about preseason scouting, the Stranger has learned through confldenial sources that Erin Mc Dermott has been named team captian. When asbd aboat \beIC rumors McDermotlreplied,"1Id1 ya I'm WreslIing, I just bope !be sows don't pull the earioIOIIlof my nose. If they do I'D jusllcod Holly (Erickson) 10 _ dleirCII om" Student support fer die JIIIII has been incredible. 11Ie l)W. Parkside Women'sc:enwblseYCll started a fan club. Aa:cldiII8 ~ club president Teresa Raitldl*So Anyone interested in jdDiDI C8I pick up an applicatioD a1lbc Women'sCenter." The season will opc8()clObl1 2 with a march againstdIDUBPer' sityofGeorgia. A1IhotDe~ will be held at Baclt in 1'IRC IIId will begin at 7 p.m. SeaslII ~ are avalible through dID ::: deparment for $50 or $2 • charged at the door. AI1tJJit1iII price includes one rrecllil? I,I991 News Stranger, Page 9' - ......... ."", ... ~ ,,:;.. , ,,..J._ < .' . , I ! I I I ./ I // i New escalators to be installed in Molinaro Hall by Ken Shoe Elevator Activity Editor By the end of the Spring semester, new escalators will be installed in Molinaro Hall where the current elevator is located, announced Gary Getts, Assistant Chancellor for Student Transportation. The installation of an escalator was suggested after 17 slOdents were found stranded for over 7 hours below the D2 Level at 4:49 am on February 30 by Campus Police officers. "This is great", stated Bob Browsky. "Now I don't have 10 waste 9 of the 10 minutes between classes figuring out if the elevator is working or nOL" "This should decrease confusion", statedslUdentMark Delkson. "Now I can just go 10 the same place every time 10 get 10a different floor, and just walk up the escalator when it's not working." Chief Ozmannslci of Campus Police stated, 'This will save the university approximately $85,004.09 a year in labor costs related 10officers time used in rescue attempts." He later stated that 7 out of 10 rescue attempts are successful. / , , / .:(i' ! oroq ure] 01 SXNI Continued from Page 1 "Wipeout", and the ever-popular theme from the game show "Jeopardy". Featured in INXS will be Val Kilmer, who recently starred as Jim Morrison in "The Doors" movie. He will be replacing lead singer Michael Hutehence dUe 10a back injury Hutehence suffered in a brawl with Kilmer. Kilmer was quoted as saying, "No one is going 10 get in my way 10 play uw· Parkside. UW -Parkside isthe ultlmate, a perfect place 10 test the bounds of reality." Wbetherornot Meg Ryan, Kilmer's co-star, will be attending the concert will be up in the air, since she has no UWParkside ID. Tickers will go on sale at all Ticketron Outlets on Saturday morning April 6, at9 am. TIckets prices will be $69.69 and there ate only a limited number available. Shoe recently depleted the Ranger • revenue account 10purchase tick· ets for students and friends when he bribed them 10 vote for him during the PSGA elections, in whichhewasvicrorious. Thisevent will be sponsored by the Fraudu· lent Friends of Ken Shoe Foundation and the Parl<side Activities Board. All proceeds will go 10the Condom Come All Health Fund at Stodent Health Services. Homer new Chancellor CilntlDued from Page 1 ready at wcrItpuDing together new projects 10improve University life. Homer, who is 69 years old, has experienced the problems and headaches of being a student at his age. Homer's first project is 10 form anursing homeforthe elderly students here on campus. "It's tough. There's a lot of halls towalkandstairs toclimband bumps to take. Forming a nursing bome for students of my age on oampus. which will be something like the children's day care center, will help 10 eliminate Ihese problems. At our age we need tender lovin' care," said Horner. Changing the DomesticAbuse Law, geDing more young female workers in the Ivory Tower, and most importantly to receive his first college experience, are a few of many issues Homer will be attacking. ! I I --;;;:;;;:======~I~":"--~N:--ew=-:s--I-----Aad":;';;;';I='i!! "!!p,lWIO .. Kibbles and Bits .yZIppJIC ........ AWJDwbn'" Dppsblta Craig Simptilll, Edilor iJI OIiefandfiatc .. iu ..... dti player. wilJ lead die Po..... .eJp ofMalie cItII ill die IPriDI c:om_ IIICIIt c;emnmiee KDown ulbe "'PiedPipc:rciPlrbide".SimJ*jDs bas c:bosea "Yantee Doodle". and "Row. Row,Row Your Boat" in a llJPbisticallld tine pat canon and wilJconcludelbeperformancewith "Nobody ICDows die TroubJcTve seen". The ensemble will be eonducted by Professor Francis Bedford; Biology Lab assislants will enter their experimeutal "Sea Monkeys" colony ill a National (:ollegiale ~ contesL The aeatures Weill spawned in Petti dishes early in ll111W1JY and bave Oowished 10 number over 200. Assistants have effectively lagged and identified dlemajorily oftbese organisms Ihat Weill a fad of the !ale 70's and early SO·s. The students report an affection for them Hair-raising fataility occurs on campus by N.O. Mistake StalrSDOOP It was a cold dark night when UW·ParksidestudentDorothyPria met with a hairy ending in her apanment at die Residence Halls. Reports frooi campus police and Faye SclJouten indicated that "the OCCIIpIIIls of Ibis apal1JIIeIIt have bad a tendeuI:y illlbe Jl8Sl1O jump out of their windows in order 10 avoid being busted for underage drinking." Inorder 10 not receive the traditional bumps and bruises associ. ated with their three-SIOry fall,Pria andherroommares were incompetilion 10 grow their hair. At the time of die incident, their hair only reached 10 the window of the sec· oudstory .... lOleDlS(wherePria·S and two other roonunates' boy· friends IeSide). All actions in Ibis story, with lbe exception of the witness Slatemenls. are pun:ly cin:lIlIISlantial Simpkins before he broke his baroque and bave named several after The and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Simpsons, The Addams Family, Turtles. ideas from this snooper's own investigation. On the night of the incident, Pria was brushing her hairand conversing with her roommate. They got inlO a heated debale about whose hair was longer. Inorder 10 dccide the winner, they stood across the bedroom from each other and Pria tossed her hair 10 her room· mate who SIarted folding it (as one might fold a bedsheet), While doing this process. the phone rang. As Pria turDed 10 an· swer the phone, her roommate grabbed the rest of Pria's hair and wrapped it around her throat. She then appliedthoroughly Sp1ashhair spray 10 Pria's neck. PriaslrUggIed for about ten seconds and then flopped 10 the floor. Her last breath held the words. "I'll never know." Before calling campus police, Pria's roommate lOOk a scissors, cut Pria's hair 10 her waist and attaebed it 10 her own (forgetting that Pria's hair was black, not brown). While a professional police outliner camjl and cbalked the body. the officer on duly took the statement, "I didn't kill her. She forgot that SHE bad just put hair sprayon. Besides.looIcatus. Can't you tell which of us has the longer hair'l" Campus police cbalked the incident up 10 a misundersranding. The officer who lOOk the Slatement bad just come on duly from an eye appointmen. so his eyes were di· !aIed. He remarked. "I could see her breathing heavy and hear the emotion in her voice; Her hair WAS longer than Pria·s. Who can argue with logic like that?" Pria's roommate currently lives in a different apartment and can be found. quoting from Rapunzel She has given up wear. ing clothes as her hair amply cov. ers her body. "Why spend the monc;y 011 clothes when my hair is sufficient? If Eve could get away with it,why can 'tl?" tJW-PStudentEatsOwnFoot! grumble. he knew be had lO_ He unwtapped IOIIIe "Imobd. tudtey" and was about toclMi-elt downwhenheq '1iilI a smell "It smelled me II, feet after jogglua,' Ilea Slated poudIy. "M,doa, Bungos, always Iicb.., feet after Ijog. so I... ured they were lOOt! eadn' r 'yJim Needacom' Staff Columnists Ben Eatengood,l9. a Parksidestudent,survived a weekend of captivily in a UW.p refrigerator by eating his own foot for nourishmenL BeD EateDgood Aft« dinner was served, Ben. who works in lhe cefeteria, was putting away the daily surplus of rancid lunchmeat when he slipped and fell into the huge lunchmeat storage refrigerator. The doorslammedbehind him, leaving him trapped until breakfast today. Faced with eating the lunchmeatorstarving.Ben decided at first 10 starve, But as soon his stomach began to ache and Ben was riabL Be slipped off his shoe aDd bepa gnawing. By Monday mlll'lliDgBell hid eaten cJear up 10 his IIIIde. School Nurse Lois Lame IIIid, "He'sasmartlrid.lsmellDgladlle didn't eat that lunc1uneIIL T1IIt stuff is deadly." When asked bow be iDIaIdslO cope wilh his now digesIed foil, Ben said, "I'm gonna' CIMlIllll another one oul of chipped heef." ~..'...". . '.:- .... @?': ..::O':~'·~. , F '.••• € ." ..•.•• . ."',... '~L~199:':"'-J------ ---YF:;-e-a~tu-~e-----------:,--:-~, ' ~ .1' ~lranger, Page 11 otT the Cuff .,Moss A SpedaI RaDger called three McDonalds, worried that be might be an unidentified felon) is a pirate. HamburgJer is athief, and ihe gang's ring leader is a clown surrounded by "fry guys" and "dancing nuggets." PIus you can't forget Mayor McCheese. , Mayor McCheese is !he one I'm really ashamed of. Mayor McCheese, who can be found roamingaroundand cavortingwitb these playland hoods, iseven worse than Ronald. Imean, Ronald isjust a clown, but Mayor McCbeese ..• be's the Mayor of Playland! He should be setting a good example of bow our government operates, yetbeis in business day today,arm in arm, with this ruthless scum. (Then again,maybebeissetting an example of how our government operates.) And while we're on that subject I would 1ilce to know just bow Ronald ended up the leader of a pack like that. (Mayor McCheese must be a real push-over or starving to be paid off with food, and I Read the Stranger! think you can hear evidence of that in his name.) Doo't get me wroDg. I like my Big Mac more than anybody, but this is really warped. Is it any wonder why we and the youngergenerationsaretainted wi!h loonies, rebels, thieves, lazy bums, and kids with dangerously over-active imaginations? Could it be because we've been looking up to a clown who associates with a pirate, a burgler, a purple blob, and a corrupt Mayor accompanied by talking food? Wouldn't that shed some light on why people like Dan Quayle are in office today? (Did you know !hat when pictures were flashed in front of children they recognized good 01' Ronald faster than the members of !heir own family? Now that's influential power!) And I don't!hink Ronald bas a business negotiation problem either. Thatclownmusthaverenewed his conttaet several times over already. (Maybe they Ihreatened to name !he franchise "Grimace; or beuer yet "Burger Thing.". That wouldexplain why that purple Nob is so jolly in the commercials. He knows Ronald could lose it at anytime, in which case he would be the new star haunting T.V. "intermissions". And wby do they call commercial breaks galla break the rules; which directly reverts back to what I've been talklog about And talk about disappearing acts what's lbe deal wilb David Cassidy? You know, the guy who played lbe groovy Kenh Partridge • on the Partridge Family. He was boping to become a big rock star after the T.V. series ended. Well, he must have scored big with the Fairy Godmother because his wish fina1lycamelIUeacoupleofweeks ago. They were playing his stuff on the radio and he was a guest V J. on MTV, then all of a sudden, POOFI He vanished! Where did -be go? I can't say for sure, but maybe be and the "Burger King" are starting a new band, or maybe !he "Burger KIng" kidnapped Dave to start a restaurant chain that will make burgers out of partridge families. ThaI wouIdexplainwhy we haven 't heard from anybody else in that family. Well. whatever they're doing, hopefully it'S far away. "intennissions?" Why don't they just say, "We've got to IlIlce time out now to pay our bills well be back in a couple minutes.") But when you talk about McDonald's you have to talk about Burger King. Do you remember the old Burger King commercials? Do you remember the actual "BurgerKing?"Youknow,!heguy wi!h the long red hair, clad with more gold than L. L. Cool Jay. He used to tempt our tummies wi!h his fast food, cheap toys, and mindless magic tricks. Whatever happened to him? He just disappeared. And now Burger King's latestadvertising slogan is "Sometimes you just "AIthe new PSGA President, 1/", aN students absolutely ,,",,,ld nail the Stranger!" - Kenneth J. Schuh , (Db, wait a minute, you already are!) Stranger Eye. by Moss _ Going To the M~ij~s by Rodger Eabert, Jr. ~I don't know guys. I thtnk tt "teds • ltttle lemon ju1ce to .o'sten Ind .dd flavor.·' Clrgg.Moss • I=Stran=ge=r~.Page=12 L_-U-n-c-l-a-s-s-if-i-,e-d-.--JI---------:::!:ApriI~I~.I~ Beastie Boys & Girl. Thanks for letting us crash at your place. It was a blast. Rebel & Roach. -'" April 29 - Fredrickson v. Tyson April 30 - Fredrickson v. Roach .Suave - Keep lettin your fingers do the walking - Dance Floor. Judy- Will you marry us. ~ - The Boys. I , Lyons Says - Screw Tom & Roach - You went to Padre and all I got was a lousy poster. G & R - Anything you kids need to know just call5D. GT Lane. Judy - You can't have this watch. It has my name on it. All those who have mistaken a dishwasher for a urinal, raise your hand. :} The Love Shack - Now Red Shed - 5 Star Padre Award goes to Steve Turk for the fat girl - urinal award. I UNCLASSIFIED I I UNCLASSIFIED I Eric S.S. Johnson - How did you get that nickname S.S. in South Padre anyway? Tom. Date from HELL - Christian and Jill. H.C. - Next time I want toseechunks-Thinkyou can handle that. I want chunks. - T.K. Baulmer - Good Luck! Just min people - The guys at the shed. Nick B - Love Ya - The City Clubs Babes. Cory - Hulk who? Isn't he the same bald oldman. Mike Rohl is a rosy red rectum. WANTED-Meaningless Shack Party this weeksexual relationship with end. April Fools . any girl dead or alive- Suave Dragon Breath, buy some Scope before it's too late. Chicks don't dig bad breath, even ifthey're staring at you. WANTED- Used condoms for Kenosha Sperm Bank. Share the wealth. Call 654-9 10I. Gunny - Nice Budda Belly you got there. Jersey. Available for or usage: bodies of three young men, facilities provided. 63-shack group rate available. Tippy -Want your Dollar back, you know where to call. Mom- Roses are red, Violets are pink So grab my twinky and make it stink. -Pops Lecture in the Union: "How to Serve to Protect" brought to you by the . Los Angeles Police Department Call 555-LOVE for more info T Ibl<!m &If <Il) l]ll]l <!Sl~ V (fJ)m T<!lflfa .. will be signing copies of her new book: Paul Simon is Just a Balding Troll in the Ranger Office WLLC D139 at noon. Call 555-LOVE for more info. Cheap rates .Color-TV y.r.e.r..n'sJ H,'"Quse,0-f'oLve -rrr No More Carpet Burns Call 555-LOVE for more info Original Format The type of object, such as painting, sculpture, paper, photo, and additional data Newspaper Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. Chancellor Kaplan resigns Issue X Series Number The series number of the original collection. 19 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Stranger, Volume 19, issue X, April 1, 1991 Description An account of the resource Chancellor Kaplan resigns Subject The topic of the resource Newspapers and periodicals Satire Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1991-04-01 Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Language A language of the resource English Type The nature or genre of the resource Text april fools' day chancellor sheila kaplan gary goetz satire