https://archives.uwp.edu/files/original/635415dfa59e973a2163de998380bad3.pdf e1619f02ef02edff32b04dbb5afdb79d Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource University of Wisconsin - Parkside Ranger News Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of UW-Parkside Text A resource consisting primarily of words for reading. Examples include books, letters, dissertations, poems, newspapers, articles, archives of mailing lists. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre Text. Issue Volume 10, issue 24 Headline Used for newspapers, the Headline element describes the main article of the issue. New term begins - PSGA Senate supports Bearden Series Number The series number of the original collection. UWPAC124 Ranger News Text Any textual data included in the document University of Wisconsin - Parkside New ter m begins PSGA Senate supports Bearden hby v KKen pn MMpeyvper r • • The March 25 PSGA Senate meeting saw the inauguration of President Jim Kreuser and Vice President Chuck Betz and the beginning of the Senators' term. There were nine Senators at the beginning of the meeting; there were 14 at the end. Two students, Loretta Lacy (who was a presidential candidate) and Mike Scoon, were nominated by unanimous consent to begin their two - week internships to become Senators. Phil Pogreba, an unsuccessful presidential candidate in the March 10 - 11 election whose Senatorial term ended, was appointed by unanimous consent to the Senate. His two week internship was waived. The only resolution of the meeting, calling for more student input in faculty renewal and tenure decisions, passed 9-0-0 before the new Senators took office. The Mike Pfaffl / Phil Pogreba resolution was in reference to the recent nonrenewal decision concerning Sociology instructor Jim Bearden. The resolution read: "Whereas the loss of junior faculty at Parkside in Sociology / Anthroprology will lower the attractiveness of the discipline to majors and non - majors, which may result in a loss of students to UW - Parkside. "Whereas personnel decisions that either remove or discourage junior faculty from remaining at UW - Parkside could have a negative effect on students. "Whereas students are the group most immediately concerned. "Therefore let it be resolved that PSGA, Inc., which is the major voice for students at UW - Parkside, will work with students and faculty to incorporate a broader voice in renewal and tenure positions." A separate, but related, motion made by Pfaffl and seconded by Pogreba, stated that PSGA should establish a committee to look into faculty tenure research and be able to review faculty research. The motion passed 8-1-0 with Luis Valldejuli voting "no." The meeting also marked the last PSGA meeting for Vice President Kathy Slama, who has been involved with PSGA for the past three years. Slama has served as Senator, Asst. President Pro Tempore and President Pro Tempore in addition to Vice President. She has also served on SUFAC for 2-1/2 years; this year she was chairperson of the Elections Committee and established and managed the Campus Book Exchange. Slama made this farewall speech to the Senate: "I would like to take this opportunity to commend the Senate for working hard to see that the students' best interest was being served. "During SUFAC budgeting this year we put our Constituation to the test. It didn't fail us. You can feel good that you're part of an organization whose framework is solid. "We saw this year that when individual blocks of the framework start to shake, or (there's) those who don't support their share of i t, everyone feels it, but the framework always stays standing. "Your duty as Senators is to see KATHY SLAMA that the organziation moves ahead. Treading water is not going to get you anywhere. Remember that you must stay in contact with the administration. When you stop talking with them and start undermining them, your framework is going to feel it a lot. "We have a unique situation here at Parkside in that the administration will discuss anything with us. If you give that up you will really be losing. "If nothing else, the most important idea that I want to leave you with is that you, as the Senate, are the decision - making body for all the students of Parkside . . . Take that responsibility the students here at Parkside have given you and use it effectively." The unusually large number of people who attended the meeting gave Slama a round of applause as she stepped down to let the new office - holders begin their terms. Teaching Excellence nominations open Well, it's that time of year again — time for teachers to be on their best behavior — for the annual Teaching Excellence Award selection process is under way. The award, which is given in recognition of superior teaching ability to any full- or part-time faculty member who has not previously received it, includes a prize of $500 to each of the two recipients. Choosing the student representatives who will serve on the Nominations Committee was completed later than usual this year, leaving students with a much more limited time span in which to accomplish their task. Because of this limited time factor, the process of choosing nominees to submit to the Selections Committee — four faculty members and four students — will be slightly different. The forms submitted by students to the Nominations Committee will also be used as ballots. Therefore, the students must present his or her I.D. when handing in the nomination form. After the forms have been returned and counted, the two faculty members with the most nominations from each division will be thoroughly reviewed by the committee of students. The review includes the use of student evaluation forms and classroom visits. A scope of five or six candidates will be presented to the Selection Committee for final selection. Each student is encouraged to fill out a nomination form to nominate some teacher who rates highly in areas such as teaching skills, providing a good learning environment and rapport with students. This is where personal opinions count. Nomination forms will be available beginning April 5 at the information Kiosks and other key locations. Students must act quickly, for the forms must be returned to the box in the Molinaro concourse by noon Friday, April 9. Committee members will accept the forms at the scheduled time periods of 10 a.m. to 1 p.m., 2-4 p.m., and 6:30- 8:30 p.m. Monday through Friday of next week. Remember: A teacher cannot win unless nominated. •I Academic staff to be rewarded A distinguished service award of $500 will be awarded to an academic staff member for "Exemplary University Service." A subcommittee established by the Academic Staff Committee and the Chancellor will establish criteria, invite nominations and recommend a recipient to the Chancellor. Any member of the Parkside community may make a nomination. Non - teaching members of the academic staff who hold appointments of 50% time or more may be nominated. Those with joint instructional / non - instructional responsibilities (specialists / adjuncts) will be eligible for their non - teaching activities. Questions about eligibility should be directed to Inflation hits library hard by Pat Hensiak At a recent meeting with the Library / Learning Center Faculty Committee, and representatives of faculty and students, Chancellor Alan Guskin pointed out the inability of the campus to maintain an adequate library collection in light of inflation. Within the past years, the cost of library materials have risen higher than any other costs, with the exception of energy. As examples, Guskin sited the cost rise in clothing (66%), transportation (112%), food (128%), medical costs (140%), books (273%), and periodicals (398%). These rises have occurred since 1967. "At UW - Parkside, the impact of inflation on the library has led to a distortion of the library collection," stated Guskin. "As periodicals and serial subscriptions are a fixed cost of the library materials budget paid annually the additional cost of these publications each year has been taken from the book budget. This has reduced the number of books purchased annually." The materials budget has also been impacted by the rising cost of automation. That is, the cost and charges for inter - library loan which is used widely to borrow articles and books primarily from UW - Madison collections, automated cataloging which has allowed the reduction of library staff, and on - line data base searching. (On - line search service is limited to indexes and abstracts, and could save on the costs of journals. This computerized search service can stock indexes which are not frequented by staff and students.) Although the media materials budget has been increased slightly for the 1983 - 84 year, the increase is not sufficient, in the opinion of the library staff, to meet campus needs. Due to the need to maintain our book and periodical collections, a larger increase in budget has not been recommended. The state of affairs for the book collection is critical at this point, due to the number of staff members who rely on books rather than periodicals for teaching and research. There has been a drop in book purchases to under 3000 v olumes. Yet, to keep up with new published information, it has been estimated by the library staff that a minimum of 4000 - 5000 books must be acquired each year. If the book collection does not remain current, it may be impossible to catch up later. Guskin requested that the library prepare recommendations on the situation. The recommendations are not decisions at this point. A decision has yet to be rendered. While the staff of the library would rather be provided with additional monies, their recommendations following a year's investigation, is to cut the periodical / serial budget by $70,000. The cut would actually allow the library to maintain purchase of new books (4000 to 5000), allow for the addition of n ew periodicals to support the needs of new programs, help the library maintain a basic level of collection - related automated services, and provide minimal support for the maintenance of the media collection. An example of what is meant by cutting while trying to maintain maximum access is: Engineering Index - present cost is $1285. Monthly costs of issues could be cut and annual cumulatives retained for a savings of $775. This publication is also available on - line. This is just one example of an index. The same on - line service is available with many other indexes. Another consideration is. that other book reviewing publications may cover the content of a particular index. n Carol Cashen, Chairperson of the subcommittee. Criteria will be especially distinguished service which demonstrably benefits Parkside or the campus community, and which exceeds the required performance of his / her normal duties or job responsibility. Nominations should be submitted on forms available at the Information desks in the Union and Main Place. All the information requested on the form must be supplied. Deadline for nominations is Friday, April 30. Persons who are nominated will be notified and given an opportunity to supply additional relevant information. The recipient will be announced at the fall convocation. Ranger exposes skeleton in closet This skeleton was found in the food service's refrigerator last week Monday. Authorities believe it is the remains of Chuck E. Roast, the first food inspector at Parkside when the campus opened 12 years ago. Roast was investigating the meat quality of food service meals. He had had a reputation of throwing himself into his job. See inside for more Strange(r) things Stranger photo by Mark Minolta 2 Th ursday , April 1, 198 2 RANGER Editorial Ranger editorials reflect the opinion of the majority of the editorial staff. Parkside students may submit editorial ideas to the editor for consideration. Editorial ideas need not be typed to be considered. Thank you, Kathy Slama When the newly elected PSGA members began their terms last week, it marked the end of an era — th e Kathy Slama era. Slama has served as a Senator, Asst. President Pro Tempore, President Pro Tempore and, most currently, Vice President She also served on SUFAC for 2-1/2 years and the Disciplinary Board for two years. Some of her other accomplishments include: • Establishing and managing the Campus Book Exchange this year • Evaluating the campus - wide Sexual Harrassment policy for Parkside • Restructuring Student Organizations Council (SOC), including Budget and Review guidelines • Being Parkside's delegate to Kenosha's Youth Committee (she is currently chairperson) • Establishing expenditure and reimbursement guidelines for PSGA • Revising the. PSGA Constitution and PSGA Senate Rules • Establishing Evening Bus Service to Kenosha and Racine. A couple months back Ranger published a letter to the editor that questioned whether or not Vice Presidents (in general, but also in PSGA) really did anything. Looking at the list of Slama's accomplishments is ample proof that the Vice President does indeed do things. Not all students notice who does what (if anything) within PSGA. By working with them and reporting their happenings, Ranger knows that although the Senate is the decision - making body of PSGA, the President and Vice President are very important to the organization attaining its goals through effective organization and execution. Slama has proven throughout her tenure at PSGA that she kept the students' best interests in mind while dealing with the university administration. That is the major role PSGA plays in the operations of Parkside and Slama has been a responsible, and effective, representative of the student body. Ranger wishes Slama well after her graduation in May and thanks her for all of the hard work she put into her many accomplishments. Journals shouldn't be cut To the Editor: The library's staff recently made a recommendation that, if carried out, will be detrimental to almost every student and faculty member. I believe it could substantially reduce the quality of education here. The library has decided to keep steady, or even increase, the number of books to be purchased, while drastically reducing (up to 60%) the number of journals they now receive. By the time the library receives a book, the information in it is often three to five years out of date. Journals provide up-to-date information on a regular basis. Students in upper division courses rely heavily on journals in doing research. If we are to be competitive in our fields after graduation, we need a complete education, one that includes easy access to a wide range of journals. Faculty members will also suffer by this cut in journals. It will be harder to conduct research, or to stay up to date in their field, if adequate materials are not available to them in the library. I urge the library to work with the Chancellor, the students, and the faculty to reach a compromise decision, a solution we can all live with. The future of us all may be at stake. Jack Kemper Questions $4500 for Liddy Dear Editor, "On the night of the President's speech in Moscow, members of the White House burglary squad broke into the headquarters of the Democratic National Committee, in the Watergate office building in Washington. They photographed documents and installed two wiretaps. They were carrying out the first stage of G. Gordon Biddy's Gemstone plan. That night they reconnoitered the headquarters of the McGovern campaign, hoping to install wiretaps there, too, but there was activity in the offices and they were deterred. "This was one of several such visits that the burglary squad made to the McGovern headquarters, and on one of those missions Gordon Liddy, who was armed, shot out a street light for no apparent reason." This is an excerpt from the book Time of Illusion by Jonathon Schell. I would encourage, anybody who wants to hear G. Gordon Liddy's talk on "reality in government" to read this book. I have nothing against this man, even though he wanted to hire muggers to beat up student demonstrators, and he is a convicted felon for the activities he took part in, which is mentioned above. What I do have against this speaking event is that it cost $4,500 to bring him to Parkside. This money comes from S.U.F.A.C., which is paid into by you the students. Therefore, at a time when the library is struggling to keep the level of periodicals at a near status quo level, wouldn't it be wise to invest in the students' minds and not a man who shivers from the sight of an open - minded student. Michael A. Pfaffl / GEE—IT'S THAT 'THE BUCK STOPS \ ( HERE" DESK PLATE...I WONDER WHY ) \ MR. REAGAN S ENT ME rHfS/__V What are we fighting for? by Chuck Ostrowski The current situation in El Salvador should be one of concern to all college students today. I mean, we are not only paying for our government's overzealousness through our pocketbooks, but may have a chance to pay for it with our lives as well. To me, the "El Salvadoran Situation" involves the U.S. government's — and by extension, each and every one of its citizens — support of a military junta that is terrorizing, maming, and murdering its citizens. And these citizens are pissed! So much so that it accepts and supports a guerrilla movement that itself has committed several atrocities. And that's the problem. The U.S. government has used these reports of guerrilla atrocities to back up its position that individual El Salvadorians need our support, whether they want it or not. These citizens don't realize that their country is not a small, backward, poor, Third World country where food is a luxury item at times but a battleground against forces of the International Communist Conspiracy. It seems far - fetched to believe the only reason citizens of El Salvador, or any country for that matter, would revolt is because Fidel Castro, with Comrade Brezhnev's consent, told them it would speed-up the communist take - over. Can't we see that bloated bellies is as good a reason as any for revolt? Alexander Haig and Ronald Reagan can't. But the American public can! And that's why we're not supporting Mr. Reagan. We can see that Marxism, the brand of Communism citizens in El Salvador are fighting for is markedly different from that which citizens of the Soviet Union are oppressed under. And the differences are quite strong. Mane did not at all support the domination of a few as is practiced today in the Soviet Union. A free and open exchange of idea is not only encouraged under Marxism, but is its basis. Under Marxism, government as we know it would cease because the people would be the government. No more Politboros, Congresses, Parliaments, etc. The people would control the factories, businesses, and farms. It is the ultimate democracy, in that no one person would dominate — everybody would be making decisions that affected everybody else. A GM executive making a decision in Detroit that costs the job of an assembly - line worker in Janesville would be a thing of the past. Isn't that type of democracy — economic democracy — something we should all support? And since it would be more or less useless to try and implement this system in the United States, shouldn't we all wish the citizens of El Salvador good luck? Alexander Haig is trying to convince a very skeptical Congress and American public that if this junta is not supported, it will fall immediately because of the military power of its enemies. Yet he never explains how a junta that has the support of its citizens could have so many enemies! How could guerrilla activity remain so strong and active without support from the citizens of El Salvador? To state the obvious, El Salvador is a country led by Pentagon - directed military men whose only goal is to solidify their military position to forestall the inevitable. Do we really care if a democracy is the final outcome of all our time, monies, and energies? Or are we only concerned with a government supporting any and all decisions of the U.S. government? To say, as Haig does, that this is a battle between good and evil, right and wrong, and freedom and totalitarianism is a mockery. "Good," "right," and "freedom," are concepts to fight for, but Haig can't be serious if he believes the United States has a monopoly on them. He may like to regard himself and this country as a bearer of those concepts, but it's just not the case. Is being "good" reflected in our government's support for Nestle, a company who coerced mothers in developing countries to feed their babies formula made from contaminated water, instead of breast - feeding them? Is being for "freedom" reflected in our supporting dictatorships and juntas because they are on our side? It's not, and we're not the country we see ourselves as. But since we do see ourselves as this example for all nations to follow, let's begin setting examples. End our support for the corrupt and needlessly cruel governments in Argentina, Chile, El Salvador, South Africa ... Let the citizens in each country decide for themselves what type of government they prefer. If worse comes to worse and they favor a Capitalist system to live and work by, we can support that too. Students lack interest and desire for action by Jeff Wicks Recently, a special lecture was presented by Peter Jones, a leader of the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament in England. He, like many others these days, is becoming more and more worried about the increasing build - up of nuclear weapons throughout the world primarily in the United States and the Soviet Union. Bringing him here to Parkside was a direct result of efforts by Mobilization tor Survival, a very worthwhile group. Jone's lecture was the climax of an entire day of films, workshops and panel discussions on March 25. 1'he question I ask is why? What's the use of going to all the trouble of presenting an all - day teach - in of current national and international affairs at Parkside? After all. it appears that very few people care. Take for example, last Ihursday, March 25. Only about 30 people came for free to hear Jones talk about reality and the future of mankind, yet a near - capacity crowd flocked to the Union Cinema to see Ed and Lorraine Warren, "seekers of the Supernatural," for $2 a piece! Where are the priorities of this school? What does it take to make the so - called "academic community" wake up to real causes and real concerns that affect all of us? Whether its nuclear weapons, nuclear reactors, political events, or anything of that scope, it becomes increasinly clear that despite the noble efforts of a small group of individuals, this apathetic university is clearly more interested in "Cheech and Chong's Next Movie" than in Mobilization for Survival. It's ironic that a co - founder of such a liberal and humane organization as the Peace Corps would end up heading a dead school like Parkside, home of the indifferent, inactive, and immobile. As for Mobilization for Survival, I applaud the time and energy spent by this club in the efforts of making the students more aware of what's going on around them. Unfortunately, the lack of interest or desire for action by students is reminiscent of a line made famous in "Gone With The Wind." I only hope that I am not confusing apathy for ignorance. Insurance agent argues case by hv PP-at j( Helln nnsi ^ :.ak .I. ^ News Editor In the sixth issue of the Ranger last semester, on the front page there was a story entitled, "Watch out! Insurance rep. pressures students." Peggy Simmer, of Union Fidelity Life Insurance was the insurance agent. Simmer feels that the article was unfair, mainly because it stated that her selling tactics are illegal. The fact is, her selling tactics are not illegal, but the action that was taken in selling insurance on this campus was considered illegal. According to the Board of Regents' policy 74-15, Use of University Facilities by Non - University Groups, non - university groups may use university facilities when they are available, "but only upon the invitation of or under the sponsorship of a university department or organization." Simmer no longer meets students on campus, but feels that the article has damaged her rapport with many prospective clients. The article claimed that a friend of a student was not able to leave one of the tables in the. coffee shop unless she signed a contract. After talking recently with two of her prospective clients, it was discovered that Simmer does not actually chain her students to tables and make them sign an insurance contract. "She was always really nice to me," said Kelli Ehrick. "I enjoyed talking with Peggy Simmer, and she certainly never pressured me into signing anything. When I said there was no way that I could take the insurance at this time, she understood." Carl Goetz has also talked with Simmer. "I wasn't attacked or anything, she just asked if we could get together about my insurance needs. I said 'sure.' She was very pleasant; not pushv at all." There was one student that was not quite as pleasant about Simmer. "Peggy Simmer has called me four or five times since November," said Mark Sanders. "On about the third call, I had asked her to never call me again, but she persisted. Since the second call, 1 have told her that I am not interested in anything she has to sell." • "The constant allegation to illegality in selling tactics really caught my eye," said Simmer. "That wasn't really the issue. The issue was whether or not I could meet with students on campus and talk to them about insurance." Another misunderstanding that has affected Simmer's reputation was a letter that she was supposed to have received from Dave Pedersen, Dean of Student Life. "I told security that I never got the letter; it had been sent to the wrong address," she said. "The letter said something to the effect that 'It has come to my attention that you have been soliciting on campus. If this is so, please stop immediately.' I explained to the guard that had approached me to deliver the letter that I was not soliciting on campus. All of the contacts were made off of the campus, and if it was convenient Skin care discussed to meet a student on campus. I did. Security told me that I would have to talk to Dave Pedersen about it. and 1 did." Pedersen explained to Simmer that he had received complaints from faculty and PSGA. Simmer told Pedersen that she would be happy to talk to anyone that had questions and comments for her. Pedersen said that that would not be necessary, that he would take care of it. Until he had a chance to speak with the organizations, Simmer was asked to meet in a less visible place. The article said that she was meeting people on the third floor of the library. Simmer was back on the campus the following week, and again, security approached her, told her that she had been warned to stay off campus, and Simmer quickly told them that she had never been warned. "I told security about talking with Dave Pedersen," said Simmer. "The officer told me that I would have to get something in writing from Dave. It was assumed that I had gotten a letter from Dave, stating that I would not be able to sell on campus, but the letter was actually sitting on Dave's desk, unsigned. The letter was sent to me after the article was printed. A lot of it was a big communications problem." Believe it or not, chemical warfare does have a practical purpose. Naturally, any government intelligent enough to use chemicals to help decimate people will want to protect its own citizens. Therefore, extensive dermal research concerning the detoxification of hazardous Creationism speaker Creationism is a subject of great controversy today. Is it a science? Is it a religion? What is creationism? This will be the topic of a joint Earth Science - Physics Colloquium to be given by Prof. Steven Dutch of UW-Green Bay on Friday, April 2. The title of Prof. Dutch's talk is "Creationism: Anatomy of a Pseudoscience". Prof. Dutch, who is a geologist at UW-Green Bay, has identified certain logical and methodological fallacies which appear to be characteristic of many "fringe sciences," such as astrology, pyramid power, the cosmology of Immanuel Velikovsky, etc. Prof. Dutch will apply his criteria for fringe science to creationism in his talk on Friday. The colloquium is at 1:00 p.m. in Molinaro 107. The public is invited. chemicals has been done. It is that research which helps industries and health institutions combat more mundane problems such as skin dryness, allergic reactions, and protection of the skin in a working environment. Dr. Thomas Spencer, manager of Dermal Research at the Johnson Wax Biological Center, will give a seminar on this subject on Wed., April 7 in Greenquist D-105 at 1:00 p.m. While his speech will focus on the general topic of protection of skin in the working environment, Dr. Spencer invites any questions pertaining to the skin, including such subjects as skin diseases, sun exposure, skin permeability, Agent Orange, etc. Correction In last week's story about the grade changes of two basketball players, it was erroneously reported that the third signature on the grade change cards was that of Athletic Director Wayne Dannehl. The third signer of the card was the Education Division chairman Dwayne Olsen. Club Events •••••••••• Anthropology Club Dr. Lawrence B. Breitborde will be the featured speaker at a lecture entitled: "Identity, Cultural Values, and Language in a West African City." The lecture will be held in Moln 324 on Wednesday, April 7, at 3:30 p.m. Dr. Breitborde is currently the chair of the Anthropology Department at Beloit College. I.E.H. On Wednesday, April 7, the Industrial and Environmental Hygiene Association will sponsor a seminar on skin protection in the working environment. Dr. Thomas Spencer, manager of Dermal Research at the Johnson's Wax Biological Center will be the speaker. It will be held at 1 p.m. in Moln D-133. S.W.E.A. Elections for officers for the 1982-83 year will be held on Monday, April 5, in Moln D-128, from 1-2 p.m. All members are encouraged to attend and vote. Employee Attitude A workshop will be held at 7 p.m. on April 14, in Moln 109. The speaker will be Steven H. Van Wie. All faculty and students are welcome. Distributed by E. F. MA DRIGRANO 1831 - 55th St. Kenosha, Wise. 658-3553 "If it feels like a weekend, it must be Michelob " Put a little weekend in your week. Ranger Needs news, feature and sports writers! Nothing that is contained in this issue of the Stranger is intended to be factual. All names, pictures, and references to real people are purposely coincidental. However, if you wish to take anything in this issue seriously, that is your own damn problem and since we are printing this disclaimer you ugly people out there can't do a thing to us, you bunch of morons. Day 368 of Reagan's convalescence Utellum Correspondence School ranger Vol. 2 cubic feet No. 1 Bombed in Union A bomb blasted the Union Square yesterday, the direct result of a terrorist attack by a group calling itself CRAP (Crazy Radicals At Parkside). The group claimed responsibility for the incident, saying that it was the only way it felt it could get attention in an apathetic school such as this one. Parkside Security was immediately called to the scene, however, several security personnel were already inside the Square at the table in the back corner when the bomb went off. No one in the building was severely hurt. When asked why the bomb was planted in the Union Square, a spokesman for the terrorist group said only, "It seemed like the thing to do. We thought of the library first, but we know there's never anybody there." No one has been arrested in connection with the incident since, of course, whoever planted the bomb didn't stick around to watch it go off. Damage to the Square is estimated at about $23.68, not counting tax. Why do birds exist? by Doug resuahnedE FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Did you ever wonder what birds think about all the time? Do they even think at all? Were they just put on this planet to spew mindless, albeit wonderfully melodic, soliloquies? I prefer to think not. After all, wouldn't it be a trifle selfish of th e human race to deny our feathered friends, or any other of G od's creatures, the existence of intelligence of any substance? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Just taking the liberty to merely listen to the birds and not trying to give them any feedback, or at least trying to understand them. Birds could be very much like humans, if they really wanted to. But it just so happens that they decided to journey upon a different path of existence. They took to the air, opening up to themselves a much more efficient mode of transportation than we humans have. They don't have to squabble with other groups of birds over such subjects as fuel prices or import tariffs. I'm sorry. I just can't go on with this masquerade anymore. Birds are totally ignorant beasts that often fly into windows because they don't have the ability to tell the difference between a wall and their nests, and if they did have any intelligence they'd be burning each other's nests out of hatred and jealousy. They would continually be having species riots between different factions. What a laugh! Birds being intelligent. Nancy Reagan gets new jeans by C.B. Everybody knows about Nancy Reagan's clothes, and of the controversy and condemnation she creates by accepting new ones. All the "great" designers get to write these gifts off. Nancy, in turn, gives these "gifts" to museums, where visitors are sure to beat down doors to see the famous frocks. Well, hey, we want a tax break too! So Stranger proudly announces that sweet ol' Nancy will be the first recipient of our own special brand of designer jeans. These jeans will carry the elite ESAD* label. We feel Nancy is worthy of th ese jeans and should feel honored to wear them. Hopefully, they will catch on, for there are several other people in Washington who deserve to wear the ESAD label. * Eat Shit And Die John Hingstson has a problem. He's a chain smoker. New Dorms Itranger photo by M. Mole The administration announced yesterday that plans are being made to open the Parkside Dormatories. A university spokesman said the dorms will be located near the Village, giving the residents a panoramic view of the beautiful countryside surrounding Parkside. The building (pictured above) will not need any renovating. "That's OK," said the spokesman, "because we don't have enough money to even buy a welcome mat." And now, the news in brief by the never ending searcher of truth and justice, Pat Chickensiak. The teaching awards committee announced last week that they have had to cancel this year's teaching award. Associate Dean Michael Chasis, head of the committee was quoted as saying, "We were too late, we finally located a teacher worthy of the award, but we discovered that he'd just been non - renewed. Apparently, he was the last one." In other news, hundreds of students waiting for the results of their English competency exam have staged a sit-in in front of th e room where the faculty committee is locked in a bitter debate Gross Out Students are real slobs r by Carol Burns What's a quick way to get grossed out? No, besides that. How about the feeling you get when you go to a drinking fountain and find assorted filth floating within? Many times this can happen to you when you least expect it: when you are running to some class after charging up the stairs; before a big test; or when you are just plain thirsty. Okay, so this isn't a pleasant subject, but it happens rather frequently at Parkside. The crud found in these drinking fountains is not the fault of the cleaning staff. God knows they do their best to keep Parkside one of the cleanest in the state. They can only do so much, though, and if students keep filling Up the "bubblers," who could blame them if they go on strike? Come on now! Let's have a little class. This is the Big Time. Do all you perverts out there have to spit your chewed gum into our drinking fountains? Can't some of you smokers walk an extra ten feet to an ashtray to dump your butts? Do you people get some kind of weird thrill out of plugging up public fixtures? And another thing: All you rejects from "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" who like to clean out your noses with your fingers should know that you have cornered the market on gagging people. Of co urse everybody gets hungry when they have back - to - back classes, but you nose - pickers are going to have to try to restrain yourselves. Everyone praises self - reliance, but that's ridiculous. We are all adults, and there really is no place for this type of behavior at Parkside. Let's get these slobs to clean up their act before this school gets a bad reputation. as to what is correct. The faculty committee started the argument two months ago over the placement of commas, ahd they have gotten to the point where they must be force fed. Local area doctors have several times requested that the fight be stopped, but no one can seem to reach them. A plea has arisen from the spouses and relatives of the professors. Said S. Parakeet, wife of one of the professors, "All we want is to know that they are still alive in there." The Ranger will have more complete details on the subject next week. The Parkside security squad has had more than its share of trouble this past week. It seems that the entire squad was arrested by Kenosha authorities in connection with drug smuggling charges. According to police reports, the security force had an elaborate system of sm uggling in drugs to the Parkside Village. See next week's Ranger for more details. APPLICATIONS NOW BEING TAKEN FOR SPORTS EDITOR MAKE $3.35 per/hr. —12 Hrs./Week QUALIFICATIONS — Edit sport stories, write occasional sports stories, work well with others, be able to jump printing presses in a single bound, be innovative, courageous, single with no dependent children. Hate for all sports desirable but not mandatory. Inquire at the RANGER OFFICE WLLC D139 Farewell Follett Follies Stranger presents £ " ParkSid6 ' t0 "» •"** * *• theme from ..The I'm so mad we've had this time together, just to pay a lot for bad service. Seems we just get started and we pay a surcharge, comes the time we can say, good riddance. fvfit Athletic dirt revealed by Tammy Papermate This reporter has heard through very confidential sources, that Jim Cooky, coach of the Parkside wrestling team, will be announcing the engagement to the love of his life very shortly. The blushing - bride - to - be, affectionately known as the 'Crusher' to his closer friends is somewhat of a famous figure after his semi - weekly appearances on All - Star Wrestling. A few invitations have already been sent out. Among others, the 'Bruiser', the 'Masked Marvel' and 'Gorgeous George' have been invited. * * * The Parkside baseball team, newly dubbed the "Bad News Rangers" has had some pretty nice happenings as of late. This columnist is pleased to announce the signing of Kevin Biteher, former Ranger Shortstop to the Chicago Cubs. On Biteher's first appearance during Spring training, he attained the status of leading the league with a batting average of —.092. Way to go Kevin!! * # + In another light of Parkside sports, one of the main swimmers of the now defunct Swim Club has been approached by NGN movie productions to star in the up - and - coming new movie documentary of Esther Williams' life. After much snooping, or should I say investigating, it has been discovered that the swimmer with the initials of K. Z. (who wishes to remain anonymous) has signed the contract, and filming will commence sometime after his sex change operation. * * * Dick Freckle, the men's tennis team coach, was physically ousted from the Racine YMCA after trying to gain admittance to the women's shower room. Police reports have it that Freckle entered the building at 7:15 p. m. through a side entrance, and was discovered only after he had shot six rolls of Kodacolor film. Freckle will be appearing before a renowned judge in Racine on June 5. * * * This reporter has learned through VERY intimate relations with a certain Rat that the next men's basketball coach (if Bill Coalfield refuses to come to Parkside) will have the first name of Mike. I will learn the last name at my next interviews. Interuiew Godzilla and Gamera still battle it out by Dick Oberbruner Try as they may, Japan cannot get Godzilla, the prehistoric fire breathing lizard, and Gamera, the flying tortoise, to be friends. These two deadly giants have been using this island nation as their battleground for years. And Basketball budget increased by Karen Norweed Athletic Director Dwayne Whatthehell submitted the 1983 - 84 At hletic Budget to SUFAC last Wednesday. Although the new budget showed a marked increase in funds, the single major increase was for the basketball budget. The coaching position, which has now been vacated by Stephen Steves, will be filled by Bill Coalfield. The coach's salary will show a 110% increase from last year's salary with a sum of $75,000. Another new aspect of the budget will be that the players (for the first time) will be paid for their performances. They will be paid on a sliding scale for each game they play, they will start at $1,000 for the first win, graduating to $1,500 for the next win and receiving $500.00 in crements for each future victory. The players will also be penalized for losing games at $10,000 for the first game they lose, increasing by $5,000 per each game lost. Said Whatthehell, "We're hoping that this incentive program will improve Parkside's future basketball record. If this doesn't work, the basketball trainer, Hal Henderson has something else in store for those S.O.B.'s." As it stands now, there are many big names considering coming to Parkside next year. Obituary This week the Ranger staff is sad to announce the death of a fellow staffer, Karen Norweed. Karen, the former Sports Editor, was killed in a freak, tragic accident Wednesday when a large printing press crushed her. According to police reports, Karen was killed when a press "undamped" itself from the floor and "jumped" her. Karen has been the Sports Editor for the Ranger since the beginning of the fall semester, and she will be sorely missed by her fellow workers. One of her favorite sayings was, "I hate all sports." Funeral services will take place for the Smorlick High School graduate April 2, at the Swamp - Meridath Funeral Home at 2 p. m., open . visitation THE LATE, GREAT KAREN NORWEED Among them are Julius Erving, Meadowlark Lemon, Marcus Johnson, Kareem Abdul - Jabar and Fred Derf. Another substantial sum will be set aside for (in Whatthehell's terms) "Educational Assistance". Said Whatthehell, off the record, "We're going to buy those God - damned grades off of those S. O. B. professors or, if that doesn't work, I have confidential information that the local mafia (and you know who you are) will 'take care of it.' " Whatthehell further stated "if the Ranger prints one goddam word of this interview, you'll find your fricking printing press in a very uncomfortable spot." So, Ranger basketball fans, this season looks to be the most promising season in a long time. By the way, does anyone know where we can find another printing press? Register arms? by Emily Latellum What's all this fuss about arms registration? People all over the place are in a tizzy over whether or not they should have to register their arms. Well, I think it's silly. I've had my arms all my life, and nobody ever made me register them! If we let them make us register our arms, it won't be long before we'll have to register our legs. Next thing you know, they'll want a running inventory on the rest of our bodies! We have to nip this in the bud. Next time someone asks you if you've registered your arms, say "NO!" Tell them it's the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard! Tell them you have worn bare arms all your life. Tell them What? . . . Guns? ... oh . . . NEVER MIND! Tokyo, the capitol, always sustains the most damage. "I don't know why they use us hmm," snorts Mayor Fuji. "Every time the fight begins out in the hillsides. Then they gradually make way towards town, right uh huh." Tokyo has suffered uncalculable damage over the past 20 y ears. Fuji faults movie - makers for "egging on" the two behemoths for the sake of box office draw. "They've gone Hollywood," he lip - syncs. "Godzilla once dem and ed per s o n a liz ed sunglasses and we had to make some for him that's right." Godzilla claims Japan to be his turf. "I've been around a lot longer than he has" (referring to Gamera). This is true. His movie career spans the Japanese monster era. Godzilla was there from day one. The challenger, Gamera, came from outer space in search of another planet. "Yeah — I was looking for something closer to the sun. You know, the warmth and all. Earth is really fertile, and I like the Japan area. It has good climate and I especially like running through the rice fields and squishing the paddies between the webbing in my toes." Though quite concerned about the damage inflicted upon his city, Mayor Fuji is grateful to local architects and construction companies for their fine job of replanning. "We've been able to rebuild at an amazingly fast rate uh, thanks to complete cooperation from people of Tokyo." Asked about the troubles between he and Godzilla, Gamera responded: "He's ignorant. When I first came here I was looking for a place to stay. And, like I said, I enjoy this area very much. But the public thought I was attacking, what with the flames shooting out from my shell. But hey, that's just me. I have to get around. And they want protection, so they got that goon and it's been war ever since." War indeed. Each time his scales are ruffled, Godzilla uncontrollably shoots fire from his mouth, burning a city block or two. "I'll have to watch myself on that. But this feud has been going on for years. I get anxious whenever I hear he's (Gamera) around. I seem to kill him off but he always comes back." The two can usually be seen battling it out on Saturday afternoons. Check your local TV listings. Sneaky Previews reviews "Big Green Thing" by Gene Shiksa and Roger Prevert Gene: Hi, I'm Gene Shiksa. Roger: And I'm Roger Prevert. On today's edition of Sneaky Previews we will devote our entire time to one movie, the new block - buster film, co-directed by Steven Spielberg, Ingmar Bergman, and Orson Welles, "Really Big Green Things That Eat People." Gene: Let's look at a clip of that movie right now. INSERT FILM CLIP Gene: Wasn't that marvelous? I think this is one of the best movies made in the last fifty years. Those big green things really are scary. The special effects are spectacular. The acting is uniformly excellent, especially from Shelly Winters as the unwed teenage mother. I recommend this movie highly. Roger? Roger: Are you nuts? This film is abysmal. The directing sucks, and the green things are terrible. You know Gene, you have no taste whatsoever, you balding geek! Gene: Is that so, fatso? You want to talk taste. You don't know what the word means. After all, you wrote the screenplay for 'The Valley Beneath The Cave Of The Ultrasluts' didn't you? Roger: That movie was art, you bozo. Gene: Art my Aunt Fanny. That movie belongs with our dogs of the week, speaking of which, here comes Spot the Wonder Dog. Spot: Woof! Roger: Get that damn dog away from me. Last week he peed on my leg. Gene: Just shut up you slob. Roger: I will not you freak. Gene: What are you doing with that gun? Roger: I've had all I can take of you. Take that! Gene: Ha ha you missed. You can't even shoot straight you . . . Arg! You got me! Roger: That's all for this week. Goodnight. Gene: Moan . . . thud. 6 Thursday, April 1,1982 RANGER Peter Jones: limited nuclear war has no guarantee by Jeff Wicks Peter Jones, leader of Campaign For Nuclear Disarmament in England, was the featured speaker of a slide lecture last Thursday, March 25. His lecture concluded an all day teach - in at Parkside on the arms race, sponsored by Mobilization For Survival. Jones discussed many types of nuclear weapons, their destructive power, and who has them. "In the 50's and 60's, we were brought up to believe that nuclear weapons were a deterrent. The whole idea was that they were never to be used. So there is some credibility to that, since we've had nuclear weapons in Europe since 1953," Jones said. "But what we become aware of in the 1970's is that the United States is changing that strategy. It is now actually planning to use nuclear weapons." Jones says he is fearful when he hears about winning a "limited nuclear war," and he sees Europe as the catalyst. He pointed out that you can only call off a nuclear war if there is some understanding between Moscow and Washington. The problem, Jones said, is that to this day, there is no understanding.'With the advent of a limited nuclear war, Jones said that "there is no guarantee whatsover that it will remain limited." Jones discussed the various countries throughout the world and where they rank with nuclear weapons. He also stated that both the Soviet Union and the United States have about 41 different types of tactical weapons, and the senselessness of trying to argue who has more. "When Brezhnev and Reagan are bickering about who is ahead, in terms of tactical nuclear weapons in Europe, what they are actually doing is taking certain categories of those 41 different kinds of nuclear weapons and arguing about who is ahead in what area," Jones said. "So Reagan picks out the medium - range nuclear forces, and says to Brezhnev, 'You're ahead!' and Brezhnev says, 'No, you can't take just those, you have to put those in context with all the others, and Well day promotes health awareness "Well Day," a family - oriented free public health fair featuring a variety of health services and information, will be held at Parkside from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. on Wednesday, April 7, in the Campus Union and on the adjoining Molinaro Hall Concourse. The fair this year coincides with the World Health Organization's World Health Day, being observed internationally under the theme "Add Life to Years." Edith Isenberg, Coordinator of Campus Health Services, said about 40 community health agencies will participate in "Well Day" activities, which are open to area residents as well as UW-P students, faculty and staff. Isenberg said people are invited to stop in for single health screening services or to go through the entire range of health fair offerings. About 2,500 people participated in last year's "Well Day," she said. New features of "Well Day," being held for the fifth year on campus, include the Medical College of Wisconsin's "Help for Health Show," a computerized analysis of an individual's life style which indicates health risk factors and their effect on his projected life expectancy, and a puppet show, "Mr. Yuk and the Three Bears," scheduled for 10 a.m. and designed to point out the danger of poisons to children. Screening services being offered include sickle cell anemia, diabetes, hypertension, hearing, feet, posture, visual acuity, pulmonary function, a self - scored health risk inventory, body composition, ABO blood typing, and height, weight and blood pressure. Computer diet analysis also will be available. Topics of various displays and exhibits will include cancer, heart disease, arthritis, alcohol and drug abuse, CPR, physical therapy, aerobic dancing, developmental disabilities, diabetes, ostomy, kidney disease, birth defects, dentistry, mental health, pharmaceuticals, physical fitness, women's issues, family planning and specific agency services. In addition, a display of art work by students in the Parkside Child Care Center titled "Health, Through the Eyes of a Child," will be on display and the Union Cafeteria will feature a special "Wellness menu" during the noon hour. Community residents planning to attend should park in the Tallent Hall lot. Free shuttle bus service will be available from the parking lot bus shelter to the Union, about four blocks from the Tallent Hall lot. KENOSHA SAVINGS AND LO AN ASSOCIATION FREE CHECKING! 5935 - 7th Avenue Kenosha, Wisconsin 414-658-4861 7535 Pershing Blvd. Kenosha, Wisconsin 414-694-1380 4235 - 52nd Street Kenosha, Wisconsin 414 - 658-0120 8035 - 22nd Avenue Kenosha, Wisconsin 414-657-1340 410 Broad Street Lake Geneva, Wisconsin 414-248-9141 24726- 75th Street-Rt. 50 (Paddock Lake) Salem, Wis. 414-843-2388 CALL OR STOP IN FOR DETAILS 5'/i% Intern! H Your Daily Balance is *500.00 or Moral WE'RE HERE 10 HELP YOU OROW! you're ahead.' So both sides disagree, with Reagan pointing out one type of weapons the Soviets have more of, and Brezhnev points out other kinds, and the countries in NATO with nuclear weapons like Britain and W. Germany, as well," he said. "But the whole point is, when you already have got 13,000 tactical nuclear weapons in Europe, it would take less than 100 of those to land on our major cities to destroy one - third of the population of Europe," Jones said. He went on to say that it is useless for the U.S. to make more, because the Soviets are willing to match us step - for - step. Jones called for a step - by - step process of unilateral disarmament in an effort to de-escalate the arms race. Although acknowledging that "it wouldn't be done overnight," he called for disarmament on both sides. He urged everyone to take action by participating in efforts to put pressure on Washington to disarmament in the arms race. At present Jones is on a three - month speaking tour of Canada and the U.S. Later this year he will be taking part in summer action in Europe before going through the Soviet Union to Japan and back to Australia to work with the Nuclear Free Pacific movement as a staff person of the Quaker Peace Committee in Sydney. The art of interviewing workshop scheduled Parkside's Organizational Communications Group 2 will be conducting a workshop on the two types of interview structures and die types of questions an interviewee may expect and how choosing the right interview structure can help an interviewee match the right person to the right job. "The Art of Interviewing" workshop will be held Monday, April 5 in Molinaro 107 from 6 to 7 p.m. Speakers are: Janet Brown, Director of Personnel, Goodwill Industries of Southeastern Wisconsin, Inc.; Richard Gardner; and Chris Markin. Patronize Ranger A duertisers SUPER SPORTS FOOTWEAR, ETC. TEAM SALES — ALL SPO RTS o BROOKS • TIGER • NKE O PUMA •PONY ATHLETIC FOOTWEAR FOR ALL SPORTS TNOPHKB AND AWARDS FAST. SMOOUSC ENORAVMQ BCRVKX • CONVERSE ! • SPOT-BOAT • 3AUCONY • SPALDING •NEW BALANCE M0N.-FBL 1*OB AM. - IM PAt •AT. IftOO AM. - ISO PJI. CLOSES SUNOAVS A H0UDATS Ths Attn* Athtotos Ons Stop 694-9206 ~ THIS ENTIRE PAGE GOOD FOR 10% DISCOUNT ONE (1) WEEK AFTER DATE OF ISSUE, SALE ITEMS EXCLUDED. Miller times ssl... f ' Those col lege / €+^ * ... ai .__*•* butonluwe know ir the kids think then Ve so Smarts light's on in here'' , f * .vol Beer Brewed by Miller Brewing Co., Milwaukee, Wis. April's fools tell of their favorite pranks hby v PPaat Ifpncial • At . » . t Hensiak News Editor April Fools is a day for fun tricks, things that could never really cause any trouble, but yet things that are pretty embarrassing for the victim. HAHAHA. The best part often times is watching the innocent victim struggle to figure out who the trickster is. Later finding out of c ourse, that the trickster is the one that sits and laughs the hardest at the situation. Three people have shared some of the funny things that have happened to them on April Fools day. "When I was a sophomore, I was kind of smart - mouth," said Jim, "and I only heard one - tenth of al l the things that I listened to. My mom and I have always gotten along fairly, and she saw that over - all, I was really being a radical. She thought it would be just slightly out of the ordinary if she taught me a lesson about the lack of listening that I had be<en d oing. On April Fools Day, she had a plan that almost sent me to the point of no return. "I can't remember what day of the week April Fools fell on, but I got up and was going through my regular morning routine. The only problem was that every time I tried to use anything that needed electricity, or some sort of power, it wouldn't turn on. I was really losing my cool. I looked at my mom, she had pulled out all the plugs, but I didn't know that, and I asked her why everything was on the blink. She looked up from the paper, and mouthed 'I don't know, why don't you put the plug in?' I didn't know that she was just mouthing that, I just knew that she had said something, and I never heard it. I started to get a little panicky, well, actually it was more than a little panicky. It was a lot panicky. I screamed at her to talk louder, and all of a sudden she started laughing so hard, and I was almost over the edge. I actually thought for the slightest second, that I couldn't hear anything. After realizing the truth, that my mother is actually a dirty rat, I was fine. It was a trick that I have used myself, and it's always good for a laugh." Larry's story is little different, it has to do with thinking that you are off balance physically. "I don't know if I should tell you this," said Larry. "It really is sort of embarrassing, and I was really shocked that my friends were smart enough to think of it. What happened, is we were having an April Fools day party, and everyone was smashed. I was no exception, and I have some pretty strange friends. Anyway, they thought it would be just too much if they found some way to make someone think they were losing their mind. Unfortunately for me, I was the lucky one. The original plan was to have everyone stand slightly lower than they actually Luening concert closes series Music by Otto Luening and friends of the 81 - year - old Wisconsin - born composer will be featured in the final 1981-82 concert in the New Music at Parkside series at 8 p.m. on Friday, April 2, in the Comm. Arts Theater. Luening, the pioneer of electronic music in America, will be making his fourth visit to the campus as "composer - in - residence" March 30 through April 3. Last year, he was named an honorary alumnus of the university. Luening works on the concert program include his "Coal Scuttle Blues" for two pianos, performed by the Parkside Piano Duo of Carol Bell and August Wegner; Introduction and Allegro, performed by Scott Mather, trumpet, and Wegner, piano; and the Luening Piano Trio, performed by the Oriana Trio of Elaine Skorodin, violin, Harry Sturm, cello, and Bell, piano. All of the artists are UW-P faculty musicians. Other works on the concert program are by Luening friends. Burt Levy of the Wisconsin Conservatory of Music will be represented by "Five for Piano" performed by Wegner and "Two Studies" performed by Timothy Bell of UW-P, clarinet, and Sturm, cello, Three songs by John Downey of UW-Milwaukee will be performed by Daniel Nelson, tenor, and Jeffrey Peterson, piano, both of Milwaukee. Concert admission is $1 for students and senior citizens; $2 for others. Concert - goers are invited to a reception following the program. The series is directed by Sturm and Wegner. During his visit to the campus, Luening will give a free public lecture on Friday, April 2, at 1 p.m. in the Comm. Arts Building, Room D-118. He also will meet with student composers during his residency. Luening, who was born in Milwaukee, has had a long and distinguished career in music. He studied in the rich European musical climate of the 1920s at the Munich State Academy of Music, the Zurich Conservatory of Music, the University of Zurich and privately with Ferruccio Busoni and was flutist in orchestras conducted by Strauss, Nikisch and Busoni. Returning to America, he held a series of distinguished academic posts, serving as executive director of the opera department at the Eastman School of Music, chairman of the theory department at the University of Arizona and chairman of the music departments of Barnard College and Bennington College, where he inaugurated the Bennington Festivals. He began teaching composition at Columbia University in 1944 and is credited with wide influence on the generation of students he taught until 1968 when he was named professor emeritus. At Columbia, he also established his stature as a pioneer in electronic music. In 1952, he collaborated with Vladimir Ussachevsky on the first concert of electronic music in America, held at Columbia. tap 740 College Avenue Racine, Wl 53403 633-3503 Your fickot to the world of SURVIVAL • Self - defense • Advanced Lifesaving • Red Cross Water Safety Instructor Program WOMEN • Woman & Anger • Myths & S tereotypes of Women • Managing the Job Search Richard Pryor Live in Concert Tuesday, April 6 7:30 p.m. UNION SQUARE Admission *1.50 NEXT WEEK'S MOVIE Excalibur are. To bend at the knees. Nobody was sober enough to do it. So, they all stood to one side, I mean they all leaned to one side and I thought that I was the one that was off balance. Of course, that was the whole point, but I thought I was off balance for the longest time. When I finally figured out that I was the only one on balance, I was never so happy in my entire life. "The way I figured it was funny, because one of those drunkies was falling over, and when I looked down at the floor, it wasn't crooked. Then I started to break through the charade. Then the whole thing turned into a bust." The final clever caper actually took place right on midnight of April 1. It all revolves around the fact that Jenny is a night person. "I have always stayed up late. I can remember when I was a kid, I always would go into my bedroom at the time my mom would say, 'O.K., time for bed.' Then, instead of going to bed, I would sit with a light under my blankets and read or something. I never got caught though. It was probably really lucky that I never got caught when I did stuff like that. "On this particular April Fools Day, I was still awake at midnight, and I was probably 19 years old. Not that that was late for a 19 year old, but I had planned on staying up for another two or three hours, and then get up the next day for school. My sister used to stay out super - late, and she's older than I am, and she was always real quiet when she came in. She saw my light on in my bedroom, and invited her boyfriend in for a while. She thought it would be funny to make me think that she and he were going to, she wanted me to think they were going to have some fun. Of course, when you hear all of this laughing, no, I guess it was actually giggling from downstairs, your mind starts to wander. I have a mind that wanders from here to the ends of t he earth. It wandered that night. Two hours had passed, and I had been listening to these goings on for that long. I was getting a little tired of it , and then when I started to concentrate on listening again, there was no noise. "Kathy is really funny, so she had told John about the plan to make me look dumb, because she knew that I would still be up at midnight, and she knew that I would listen. When I didn't hear anything, things really started to run through my mind, and it got to be too much. I opened my bedroom door, and started to tiptoe downstairs. As I got to the bottom step, Kathy and John jumped out right in front of me, and screamed April Fool. She knew that I would listen, and she was really frustrated that I had kept myself out of the trap so long. She knew I would fall sooner or later. It was just wild when I did." Another April Fools, another trick. Don't let yourself get caught as April's Fool this year. Visit Kenosha's LARGEST Record Department — Records — — Sheet Music — — Instructional Music — 'The Place To Buy Records" You're invited to the 5th Annuol WELL DAY DOWNTOWN KENOSHA 626 56th St. Phone 654-2932 University of WisconsirvParkside Wednesday April 7 Campus Union 10AM- 3 PM WELL DAY is the combined efforts of over - 40 Milwaukee, Racine, G Kenosha, Health Agencies who will provide the following free health screening, testing, and much more... Physical Fitness Demonstration & testing Visual Acuity testing Alcohol, Drug, Information Sickle Cell screening Aerobic Dance Demonstration CPR Demonstration Breast Self-Examination Teoch-ln Diabetes screening Pulmonary Function testing Preventive Dentistry Computerized Diet Analysis Mental Health Info Blood Pressure screening Exhibits Height and Weight Checks Posture screening sponsored by Compus Health Office /Student Life Thursday, April 1,1982 RANGER The better of the best in baseball by Greg Bonofiglio The eighth edition of Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary hardly seems to do justice to America's "national past-time." The dictionary defines baseball as "a game played with a bat and a ball between two teams of nine players each on a field centering on four bases that mark the course a runner must take to score." That's like saying the Space Shuttle is merely a machine that flies. It was perhaps not the intention of Webster to wax eloquent the sport which stirs such vicarious emotions within us. It is more evident that Webster's intention was to define "objectively" the sport. It is from this point of view that I will likewise "objectively" analyze some statistics of major league baseball. CLASSIFIED ADS Services Offered TYPING - Professionally done. Reasonable rates. Fast service. South Kenosha. 657- 6068. TYPING SERVICES for professionals and students. Call mornings. 639-6871. Help Wanted WANTED: Students to sell advertising for Ranger, 15% commission and bonus. Here's the perfect chance to make $$$$. Stop in Ranger office (next to Coffee Shoppe) if interested. WANTED: News, feature and sports writers, photographers, graphic artists. Stop by Ranger office. Wanted DORM SIZE REFRIGERATOR Contact Ken or Andy in Ranger office. For Sale CONCERT PICTURES: Rush, AC/DC, Foreigner, REO, 707, Joe Perry, April Wine, Blackfoot, ELO. 50ca print. Friday 12 1:30 near Bookstore. LASER SAILBOAT w/trailer. 14 ft. Olympic class, ex. condition. S1400 . 630 6635. MILTARY BOOK SALE used and out of print at the Old Book Corner, Martha Merrell's, 312 6th Racine. Naval, tanks, Nazis, WW I a nd WW II, etc. Miscellaneous UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST SERMON "The Problem With Jesus' Teachings" Sunday 11 a. m. Personals TO KATE, Thank you for understanding and caring. Joey. HEY MERLIN! Every little thing you do is magic! Bread. ANDE have a happy seventh birthday! JOY Thanks for all • Ha ve a great Birthday! Pat. KATHY S. Happy April Fool's Day to Nobodies Fool and everyone's friend. Pat HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, Kathy S. We hope you had a great one! Ranger DREW I hope this br ain surgery is more successful than the last. THREE CHEERS for Mark S and the Parkside fencing team. The statistics cover three broad areas. These areas or categories are: batting average, home runs, and runs batted in. Judging from the statistics of each of these categories, the American league has been the better league in baseball. The first category concerns batting averages. For the years covering 1912-1977, the American league's composite batting average erf its leaders was .358; the National league average was .355. However, Roger Hornsby of the National league's St. Louis Cardinals holds the major league record for the best average in one season. Hornsby hit .424 in 1924. Moreover, the National league hitting champs have held the higher batting averages in 35 out of the 65 total years. The second category deals with home run leaders. Once again, the American league has held the advantage. This time, 44.2 to 42, in the averagfe number of home runs hit by each division's leaders from 1918 to 1977. Moreover, Roger Maris of the American league's New York Yankees holds the major league record for the most home runs in one season. Maris hit 61 homers in 1961. The final category concerns runs batted in. One finds the American league RBI leaders once again holding the advantage. From 1914 t o 1977, the American league leaders have averaged 139.59 runs batted in versus 126.73 for the National league. Moreover, even though the National league's Hack Wilson (Chicago Cubs) holds the major league record of 190 RBI's in. one season (1930), American league teams have had the higher RBI figure in 33 of the 63 years (both leagues tied in 1961). Another point worth mentioning deals with baseball's "triple crown" winners. A triple crown winner is a player who has won all three categories for his division in one year. The American league is once again the dominant of the two leagues. American leaguers Lou Gehrig (New York Yankees, 1934), Ted Williams (Boston Red Sox, 1942), and Mickey Mantle (New York Yankees, 1956), have all won baseball's triple crown for their league. The only National league hitter to do the same was Roger Hornsby, who turned the trick for the St. Louis Cardinals in 1925. The American league batting leaders have dominated the three categories of batting averages, home runs, and runs batted in. For baseball's best, the American league has been the better league. S^-SeVcan.be toppe* j ! VIOW! l^fsSe^O^cUbedootton /^| \ I I I I I I I I I I I I fc I L WSemglan sleevesSSSSwa*" Name College Adult sizes only. Specify quantity. . T-shirt @ $4.95 ea., S__ M___ L__ XL_ Amount Enclosed $ Oder expires December 31.1982 No purchas e necessary New York residen ts add 8 25% sales tax Please allow 4 to 6 weeksToTshrpment 101 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Parkside Ranger, Volume 10, issue 24, April 1, 1982 Description An account of the resource Student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, Kenosha, Wis. Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1982-04-01 Subject The topic of the resource College student newspapers and periodicals Student publications University of Wisconsin-Parkside--Newspapers Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource Newspaper Language A language of the resource English Coverage The spatial or temporal topic of the resource, the spatial applicability of the resource, or the jurisdiction under which the resource is relevant Kenosha, Wisconsin Type The nature or genre of the resource Text Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available University of Wisconsin-Parkside Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource The Board of Regents of the University Wisconsin System library parkside student government association (PSGA) teaching excellence award tenure